Ex wants to take DD out of school for trip

[ikeepforgetting]

Hi, have a difficult ex who doesn't do any parenting unless performative - so with a family wedding in France coming up he has stepped up his game. He wants to take DD out of school on a Friday and Monday a week before her y10 GCSE mocks in June.

I have said no, that she can go Fri eve to Sunday eve (still not ideal she should be studying, but I am not being obstructive) and I am waiting for the explosion of rage. I feel like I am doing the right thing but also know that I will tarnished as the worst person in the world.

Can he just take her out of school and ignore me? School won't give permission but he won't care about that.

You can't physically stop him if there's no legal document stipulating rules and preferential rights that you have over him I think.

The consequences in terms of a school fine should be paid by him. That part is essential. That he pays not you. And school know that if this goes ahead.

I have to work with this behaviour in my life from multiple angles. I understand the experience of it.

Yes it's a performance.

But, does your daughter want to go? Could she actually enjoy this experience?

Will her life be ruined going away a week before mocks? I know it's not ideal but they are mocks, not the real thing.

How much is this you without realising just showing strength against a very difficult manipulative character and not really about how vital it is she's in school that week? ( This is normal btw. I live this stuff. )

Do you need any from this guy? Does he give you money or help in other ways?

Agreeing to this pathetic performance with ' you know what, that holiday sounds great for her. There might be a school fine but hopefully they won't. I will have to email them to confirm it's your decision not mine. But I think a holiday is a good idea now I've thought about it.

Can you just let me know exactly when she's going and exact plans for coming back?'

This might be a good thing to do for you and however he responds to a bit of fluffing.

How does the above feel?

Is this fight really worth it? She might have a great time. And you get a week for yourself. Win , win to me OP. And you also are not responding to the baiting. You win then

This is incorrect
You actually need permission from anyone with PR to travel out of the country of residence.

Also if there were a fine op would be liable for her share. Not him.

I would let him. Its a family wedding I presume. I assume your DD can revise there just as easily as she can at home. it's 2 days not 2 weeks.

If there are any fines for unauthorised attendance I would expect him to pay yours as well as his.

Apologies I stand corrected.

All the rest I said - I stand by considering all that OP. Just really think about that.

She's old enough to travel on her own so she can travel Friday to Sunday and he meet her at the airport if he's not willing to have a shorter break. Normally I wouldn't object to a couple of days off school but not in GCSE year!

I’d let her go. It’s a family wedding.

which is never checked or at least was never checked when I travelled with mine. And I travelled to the US frequently to visit family. Not once was I asked for evidence of permission even though I usually carried a letter (which frankly could have been written by anyone). On occasion we forgot about the letter - still no issue as still not checked

Another correction. Thanks Snoopy .. I'm curious how much that might cost.

Any possibility he'd provide that up front OP?

Hey ex, could you afford this fine? I wish so much I could but I just can't alone without your help. I think your holiday idea sounds great. Could you transfer that fine money to me and I will cover that off when it comes. '

Try it. See what he says 🤷‍♀️

It's the year before her gcse exams.

Oh in that case then I'd allow it personally

The post comes across as you want to control & dictate. You aren’t the most important parent, you are both equal.

How would you feel if he told you what you could & couldn’t do with your joint child?

If this was her dipping out of school a week before her actual GCSE exams in Y11 - I’d have a very different option.

But he wants to take his daughter to a family event a year before the actual exams. They are mocks. I don’t think his request is unreasonable but I do think you shutting it down comes across as controlling.

I can understand him not wanting to travel to a family wedding the day before the event and then leaving the next day - to adhere to what you want.

What does your daughter want to do? Spending time with her paternal family is important.

There will be times you want to do things & will need his buy in. I wouldn’t burn my bridges over this.

This is a wedding -he had no choice of the date I assume. If she comes home late on Sunday she’s likely to be knackered at school the next day anyway, so on that front I’d agree on condition that she’s home by the afternoon. Oh, and it’s likely school would approve of the absence as it’s a family wedding.

It's more likely OP is simply reacting to long standing difficult behaviour including being a missing in action dad performing like dad of the year.

OPs attempt to show strength and counter this fatherly performance is a natural human response to a very difficult dynamic wherein the other party is typically immature, thoughtless, blameless, probably great at gaslighting etc etc.

That performance I suggest OP herself engages in will help her more than anything. It's not because dad of the year deserves it. It's because that gets us what we need as mothers dealing with people like this.

It is hard to do it. It works though. It works so very well if you are dealing with what I think OP is here.

I’m pretty strict on holidays in term time at secondary but I’d actually be okay with this. Not ideal but it’s a wedding and it’s 2 days. Pick your battles.

I’ll add, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe he’s a twat, but he’s going for 2 days rather than pushing it so I don’t think he’s being unreasonable here with the ask.

OP is telling us he's an absolute twat without having to tell us.

That's why this is difficult for her. People living it will read between the lines on this.

Unless you are likely to be handed a fine, I'd let her go. It's only mocks, and if taking off 4 days is the difference between a good mark or bad, then her study habits need addressing.

He's a performative pseudo-parent to you (and I'm sure you are correct), but to her she's the only Dad she's got.

Yes, I got that and when living it is hard to sift through where to allow things and when to fight. I think this is a “where to just allow it” time, saving the fight for other times. You have to use your energy wisely with these men or it becomes a game to them. Don’t let him see it bothers you. As dc if they want to go and make it clear they’ll need to make sure they revise etc to make up for time out of school.

To those saying it's only mocks ... when the world went to shit in 2020 and students couldn't do exams, a lot of GCSE and A level results were based on how they did in their mocks the year before.

You never know what's around the corner. I'd let her go if he can be trusted to ensure she revises. If not, Friday eve to Sunday eve it is.

For 2 days there is no fine to be paid. It’s 5 days

they’d need your permission (in written) to take her out of the country tho. If you reject you can I think flag it up to the police.

how close is dd to the person getting married and do they want to go

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs ,

They aren’t mocks, although a load of schools seem to have started using that title, they are just end-of-year exams. The mocks are a set of exams taken in Year 11 either in December or January.

I don’t know any schools who used the Year 10 mocks in the COVID years. Most did the regular mocks and a set of internal examinations to replicate the GCSEs or A levels.

@ikeepforgetting ,

I think you are being petty here. She can easily take a computer and pen and paper and revise while away.

It would be a nice opportunity for her ahead of the stress of Year 11.

You're right on this I think. Agreed 🙏.

Pick your battles.

Yr10 mocks are not yr 11 mocks.

Family weddings are important.

Thanks everyone, you've talked me down and I get it. I'll be reasonable because despite the unhelpful 'petty' comment above (you've no idea what I've ben through) I want them to go to the wedding. When you've had to be in control because one parent is hell bent on chaos it's hard to let go but I will.