Please help me I’m so stressed

Naomi8902 · 2025-02-27T16:12:32+00:00

Hi everyone honestly I have been crying most of the day and I really need some help with my divorce. The back story… My husband and I have been separated (after an 17 year marriage) for 4 years almost but neither of us could afford to initiate a divorce. I stayed in the family home with our children and paid the mortgage/bills on my own. We separated due to his alcohol addiction. 3 years after we separated I inherited a house which I rent out and enables me to pay the massive mortgage and financially support our daughter, he does not pay maintenance and hasn’t for over 2 years, barely sees the kids and has a new partner and lives with her. I am buying him out of our family home with half the equity of 50/50 equity split basically, but NOT offering him any of my inheritance. I in turn am not touching his pension although it is small. we submitted the consent order and all it came back with was me having to set a date to release my husband off the mortgage otherwise I had to agree to sell the house. Fine, did that and waited. It has now come back again, this time they want his pension details, the D81 form to be completed? I assume they mean fill in the pension details? But more worryingly this….(see image) basically that it’s not fair on my husbands side. He has sent my solicitor this….at her request. “I have not and do not want to instruct a solicitor, I am happy with the financial agreement my wife and I have made of a £45,000 settlement of half the equity in our marital home. I have not paid into the mortgage since I left the property in 2021 and my wife houses and looks after our daughter. She has also provided for her financially for the last 2 years. My wife does not want any of my pension nor child maintenance payments. We would like a clean break. My wife is removing me from the mortgage on our family home. £45,000 meets my needs” please please someone reassure me, my solicitor doesn’t have time to speak to me today, what is going to happen now? Is his statement likely to be enough? Thank you!!!

Mrsttcno1 · 27/02/2025 16:33

It really depends what figures we’re talking about altogether. The court can refuse to agree if they believe it to be an unfair agreement and can change it to make it fair if they feel it is necessary to do that.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/02/2025 16:36

He has sent my solicitor this….at her request.
“I have not and do not want to instruct a solicitor, I am happy with the financial agreement my wife and I have made of a £45,000 settlement of half the equity in our marital home.
I have not paid into the mortgage since I left the property in 2021 and my wife houses and looks after our daughter. She has also provided for her financially for the last 2 years.
My wife does not want any of my pension nor child maintenance payments.
We would like a clean break. My wife is removing me from the mortgage on our family home.
£45,000 meets my needs”

Your solicitor will forward this to the court, with the completed D81 (get it filled asap!) and then it will be down to the judge, who may agree or may ask it to be slightly tweaked. Only the judge will know what's in his mind. Good luck.

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 16:44

Mrsttcno1 · 27/02/2025 16:33

It really depends what figures we’re talking about altogether. The court can refuse to agree if they believe it to be an unfair agreement and can change it to make it fair if they feel it is necessary to do that.

Basically our married home and the house I inherited worth £366,000

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 16:50

LittleGreenDragons · 27/02/2025 16:36

He has sent my solicitor this….at her request.
“I have not and do not want to instruct a solicitor, I am happy with the financial agreement my wife and I have made of a £45,000 settlement of half the equity in our marital home.
I have not paid into the mortgage since I left the property in 2021 and my wife houses and looks after our daughter. She has also provided for her financially for the last 2 years.
My wife does not want any of my pension nor child maintenance payments.
We would like a clean break. My wife is removing me from the mortgage on our family home.
£45,000 meets my needs”

Your solicitor will forward this to the court, with the completed D81 (get it filled asap!) and then it will be down to the judge, who may agree or may ask it to be slightly tweaked. Only the judge will know what's in his mind. Good luck.

Thank you, what’s so frustrating is one judge basically signed it off and then it came back with this from another judge not the original one? Why has this second one even got involved? I doubt this second one will even get the next submission? Can I not ask them to revert back to the original judges findings?

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Original poster

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 16:52

Oh and we had filled in the D81 form which the solicitor checked and sent off? Guess they mean with the pension information attached?

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Quitelikeit · 27/02/2025 16:56

You should still submit the pension information as the judge has asked for it regardless

The judge could come back and say well he has 100k in his pension he isn’t getting 50pc of the house

Octavia64 · 27/02/2025 16:56

The d81 being incomplete means information is missing from it. Whatever was missing needs to be filled in.

Different judges have different views on things.

Our (mutually agreed) financial order was batted back over something the drafting solicitor had never heard of before.

You cannot just ask to revert to the previous judge.

The judge is more likely to accept an obviously unfair settlement (which yours is) is both parties have had independent legal advice.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/02/2025 17:07

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 16:52

Oh and we had filled in the D81 form which the solicitor checked and sent off? Guess they mean with the pension information attached?

I believe the form needs to have proof/evidence sent with it otherwise anyone could pluck a figure out of the air and write it down.

If your stbxh has had a pension valuation then that paperwork gets sent with it. Same with an Estate Agents valuation of the house. If your solicitor already has it then maybe they have forgotten to attach it to the form before sending it.

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 17:18

It’s only 8k unfortunately but yes information will be going back to the judge

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Negroany · 27/02/2025 18:04

I would assume they mean it's not fair to YOU.

Firstly, you can't exclude child maintenance anyway, you're not married to the children, they're not being divorced.

Secondly, as you are housing the children it feels like you should get more than 50% of the equity.

I would presume the inheritance would not be a marital asset since it arrived after a long period of proper separation.

If you were to add his pension in and make the split 60/40 to you, how does that look?

mitogoshigg · 27/02/2025 18:33

I've recently done this, you have to list everything but you can waive any claim to it

Mrsttcno1 · 27/02/2025 18:34

Negroany · 27/02/2025 18:04

I would assume they mean it's not fair to YOU.

Firstly, you can't exclude child maintenance anyway, you're not married to the children, they're not being divorced.

Secondly, as you are housing the children it feels like you should get more than 50% of the equity.

I would presume the inheritance would not be a marital asset since it arrived after a long period of proper separation.

If you were to add his pension in and make the split 60/40 to you, how does that look?

Not necessarily.

Although the inheritance is unlikely to be a marital asset it IS absolutely still considered as part of the big picture of what is financially fair for both parties. So that means while OP wouldn’t have to share the inheritance, it may mean OP gets less than 50% of the equity to balance the score overall.

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 18:34

Negroany · 27/02/2025 18:04

I would assume they mean it's not fair to YOU.

Firstly, you can't exclude child maintenance anyway, you're not married to the children, they're not being divorced.

Secondly, as you are housing the children it feels like you should get more than 50% of the equity.

I would presume the inheritance would not be a marital asset since it arrived after a long period of proper separation.

If you were to add his pension in and make the split 60/40 to you, how does that look?

No not fair on him 😩 there was very little on equity in this house we separated 2 months after we bought it, the only reason there is is because I have paid the mortgage for almost 4 years on my own, renting out rooms to strangers, working 3 jobs all the while he saw nothing of the kids nor paid for them :( he’s being so difficult too it’s unreal, I do have evidence of DV but didn’t want to go down that route, I feel like my whole world has collapsed because if he ends up getting half of my inheritance I have no idea how I will manage financially, I can hardly afford the mortgage as it is, his pension is minimal so I’d be happy with the 50/50 as long as I get to keep my inheritance

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 18:43

Mrsttcno1 · 27/02/2025 18:34

Not necessarily.

Although the inheritance is unlikely to be a marital asset it IS absolutely still considered as part of the big picture of what is financially fair for both parties. So that means while OP wouldn’t have to share the inheritance, it may mean OP gets less than 50% of the equity to balance the score overall.

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I would be fine with this, my concern is he will get half of the inheritance too

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Mrsttcno1 · 27/02/2025 18:45

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 18:43

I would be fine with this, my concern is he will get half of the inheritance too

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He’d be unlikely to get any of the inheritance, as I say it is more likely that he will just get a bigger % of the equity to level the playing field

Hazel665 · 27/02/2025 19:05

A friend went through a divorce years ago. The judge sent the finances thing back saying it wasn't fair and her ex-husband wrote to the judge saying he was happy with what they'd decided and didn't want anything more. So that is what happened.

Negroany · 27/02/2025 23:35

Naomi8902 · 27/02/2025 18:34

No not fair on him 😩 there was very little on equity in this house we separated 2 months after we bought it, the only reason there is is because I have paid the mortgage for almost 4 years on my own, renting out rooms to strangers, working 3 jobs all the while he saw nothing of the kids nor paid for them :( he’s being so difficult too it’s unreal, I do have evidence of DV but didn’t want to go down that route, I feel like my whole world has collapsed because if he ends up getting half of my inheritance I have no idea how I will manage financially, I can hardly afford the mortgage as it is, his pension is minimal so I’d be happy with the 50/50 as long as I get to keep my inheritance

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If it takes much longer, try to change to interest only until it's sorted so you're not simply building up a pot of money for him to plunder!

notatinydancer · 28/02/2025 00:02

Why are you letting him get away without paying maintenance?

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 28/02/2025 07:10

Negroany · 27/02/2025 23:35

If it takes much longer, try to change to interest only until it's sorted so you're not simply building up a pot of money for him to plunder!

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It’s okay now because I get the income from my rental (the inherited property) which I have just put a mortgage on to pay him out and was hoping to buy another rental property, but if I lose the rental I’d be stuffed again. But thank you that would have been a good idea at the time, I was just worried it would affect my chances of getting another mortgage later on (and I knew I would need too)

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Original poster

Naomi8902 · 28/02/2025 07:13

notatinydancer · 28/02/2025 00:02

Why are you letting him get away without paying maintenance?

He’s never got a job 🤦‍♂️ he’s basically an alcoholic at this point, his new gf is a bit of a mess too and enables his drinking and drug taking (she’s as bad) he always had a job when we were together, course that gets chucked in my face that I “only cared about the money” I could go on and on but won’t bore you with the details lol

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Original poster

Naomi8902 · 28/02/2025 08:17

Negroany · 27/02/2025 23:35

If it takes much longer, try to change to interest only until it's sorted so you're not simply building up a pot of money for him to plunder!

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Sorry I see your point now! I wonder if it will affect my credit though? I will ask my mortgage lender, thank you!

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notatinydancer · 28/02/2025 08:34

Naomi8902 · 28/02/2025 07:13

He’s never got a job 🤦‍♂️ he’s basically an alcoholic at this point, his new gf is a bit of a mess too and enables his drinking and drug taking (she’s as bad) he always had a job when we were together, course that gets chucked in my face that I “only cared about the money” I could go on and on but won’t bore you with the details lol

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Oh dear. I had one of those.
looks like you’re all better off without him.

Original poster

Naomi8902 · 01/03/2025 07:31

notatinydancer · 28/02/2025 08:34

Oh dear. I had one of those.
looks like you’re all better off without him.

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Definitely, we actually broke up almost 4 years ago but couldn’t afford to start the divorce, it’s so sad because when he’s sober he’s a nice man but drunk he’s a monster, I tried for 18 years but hit perimenopause and was like nah, not anymore mate 😂 the biggest shock it’s how bad a father he has become, I have 2 daughters 1 is almost 25 (not his biological daughter) and our daughter together who is 17, she’s just had an operation (emergency) and he hasn’t even been to see her, he’s not seen her for over a year and lives 2 minutes up the road, just awful, luckily my kids know I’ve got them and we are all very close, thanks for advising me x

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Northernlightx · 01/03/2025 07:49

Morning, I’m not sure if this is helpful or not as our situations weren’t the same (I don’t have children) but our ‘values’ were very different and we put a statement about how we had reached it and that we were both happy with the arrangement. If you’d like I could dig it out and message it to you. Good luck, it’s such a stressful time ❤️‍🩹

Familylawso1icitor · 01/03/2025 08:08

Family lawyer here.
Is there some explanation on the D81 that the capital on your side includes an inherited asset and the value of that?
otherwise, the way the form is laid out, it may look like you have far more capital. So it needs to be explained that say £200k or whatever of that is non marital (inherited post separation) and that the rental income helps you maintain your current home.