Please help me I’m so stressed

[Naomi8902]

Hi everyone honestly I have been crying most of the day and I really need some help with my divorce. The back story…
My husband and I have been separated (after an 17 year marriage) for 4 years almost but neither of us could afford to initiate a divorce.
I stayed in the family home with our children and paid the mortgage/bills on my own.
We separated due to his alcohol addiction.
3 years after we separated I inherited a house which I rent out and enables me to pay the massive mortgage and financially support our daughter, he does not pay maintenance and hasn’t for over 2 years, barely sees the kids and has a new partner and lives with her.
I am buying him out of our family home with half the equity of 50/50 equity split basically, but NOT offering him any of my inheritance. I in turn am not touching his pension although it is small.
we submitted the consent order and all it came back with was me having to set a date to release my husband off the mortgage otherwise I had to agree to sell the house. Fine, did that and waited. It has now come back again, this time they want his pension details, the D81 form to be completed? I assume they mean fill in the pension details? But more worryingly this….(see image) basically that it’s not fair on my husbands side.
He has sent my solicitor this….at her request.

“I have not and do not want to instruct a solicitor, I am happy with the financial agreement my wife and I have made of a £45,000 settlement of half the equity in our marital home.
I have not paid into the mortgage since I left the property in 2021 and my wife houses and looks after our daughter. She has also provided for her financially for the last 2 years.
My wife does not want any of my pension nor child maintenance payments.
We would like a clean break. My wife is removing me from the mortgage on our family home.
£45,000 meets my needs”

please please someone reassure me, my solicitor doesn’t have time to speak to me today, what is going to happen now? Is his statement likely to be enough?

Thank you!!!

I’ve just been through a similar situation so wanted to offer solidarity. My consent order was approved (much to my surprise).

The split was heavily weighted in my favour and my solicitor advised that the judge may well come back with questions. However, we explained as clearly as possible on the D81 that we had both taken independent legal advice; in your case because your ex hasn’t done this, it may appear to the judge that he hasn’t been made aware of what he may be entitled to.

Go back as planned and answer the judge’s questions and provide the pension info. I really hope it’s signed off for you…the stress of these situations is unreal.

Oh thank you! I am glad yours is sorted! Yes problem is he hasn’t had any legal advice because he won’t pay for it and as you say I think this is the judges issue! Hopefully the fact that he has said he is happy with the amount offered that might be enough!! Can only hope 😂 xx

Hi, he hasn’t sent the quote I previously posted, hopefully that will be enough! I don’t know if its worth asking him to change it again 😩 thank you so much though xx

I would delete those as your address is on it - I’ll reply separately

Looks ok to me
seems as if you will both have £45k from the marital home so equal sharing and you keep your inheritance
I suspect the main worry is the value of your H’s army pension is not in there as they can be extremely valuable and you’re not getting any share of that and that’s a marital asset whereas your inheritance is not - but you can use to meet your pension needs. Do speak to your solicitor.

The explanation could be clearer/more concise.

I’ve reported your post to ask Mumsnet to delete your personal details

Hi @Naomi8902 Just letting you know we've deleted those attachments now that @Familylawso1icitor has replied as they looked to have some personal details in.

Is there any chance you'd be willing to pm your statement to me too please @Northernlightx ? I'm another in a very similar sounding situation and dreading this, how robustly he will stick to what we agreed when I can see how unfair it looks on paper... good luck OP, let us know how you get on. Sounds like you should be really proud of yourself and your relationship with your girls and how you've carried ALL the load

The letter written may be sufficient, or it may not be. Unfortunately judicial discretion means it's often not possible to be sure how things will go.

One thing that is definite is that if a judge is not provided with the information that they have requested, and / or their requests are not complied with they don't like it.

They also understandably prefer both parties to have obtained independent legal advice. Without this it is impossible for them to know if you both understand what you may be entitled to and the consequences of various decisions. A settlement that appears unbalanced, plus one or both parties not receiving legal advice is going to cause concern.

I appreciate OP that given STBEXH's behaviour and lack of contributions it feels right that he forgoes some assets. However, the divorce process pays no heed to behaviour and the courts will want to be sure that both parties can move forward with sufficient assets etc (provided there are enough assets in the marital pot). The eligibility of things like your inheritance to be taken into account will depend on the circumstances- for example if there are insufficient assets for both parties "needs" to be met then non marital assets can be taken into account. For further info on this research 'needs basis divorce' being careful to stick to reputable sources.

Oh thank you I didn’t think, it’s okay looks like moderators deleted them, thank you so much

Ah thank you I new here and trying to read/reply on my phone, thank you for asking them to delete my photos! He’s sent off for his Army pension now so it’s a waiting game, he did also “find” the information for 3 probate pensions which equate to £18k so not massive but of course needs adding on, at the moment he has nothing written in his pension section! He was only in the Army for 6 years but left 20 years ago so I hope they have invested that well lol

Thank you for your reply, he is getting/has been offered half our marital assets so I am not asking for more than half of what he owns if you like, frustratingly the only reason there is any equity/money to give him is because I have been single handedly paying the mortgage on the home. If I’d completed the divorce when he left he’d have been looking at 15k ish 😩 but I wouldn’t have been able get my mortgage in my own name ect so I had to wait for my inheritance. He lives in council accommodation so hopefully they will see that at sufficiently housed, who knows I’m resigned to the fact he might get more money now 😂 just feels so unfair, he’s always been lazy and without tooting my own horn the only reason we have any assets at all are down to me, he’d have drank all his money if he’d been able, and probably will with the 45k 😩

Thank you! Yes it has been so hard trying to pay the mortgage/bills alone and look after two quite damaged teenagers 😂 our biological daughter suffers really badly with her mental health and was also assaulted so it’s been horrific to be honest, I just want it put to bed one way or the other now! Good luck too, hopefully your situation is less complicated when it comes to splitting finances! Xxx

The rental property should always be on interest only. Not just for the purposes of the divorce but as a property investor myself a BTL mortgage should be interest only, inflation erodes the debt & there is no point it paying capital off an investment property.

Hey yes the rental is interest only I think the commenter meant my owned home which the kids and I live in, save the capital in the property going down and giving him more equity :) thank you xx

@Naomi8902 having been in a similar position my advice would be to try to get your head around the fact that things like behaviour, who paid for what, who worked hard vs who didn't, who has spent wisely vs who hasn't unfortunately isn't taken into account in the process of divorce.

It's absolutely not fair and soul destroying, but that's the way it is.

Rage away by all means, but accepting what is and what isn't relevant may help you manage your expectations and your blood pressure!

I hope that the judge accepts your husband's letter. They would be more likely to do so if he had taken independent legal advice, for obvious reasons.

Thank you yes I agree, I’m feeling much better about things now, and as I like to say “it’s only money, I’ll make some more 😂” at the end of the day I’ve got my girls and they have me, and we are very close; this is the stuff money cannot buy, it’s not helped by him and his attitude and behaviour, honestly he’s sucks 😂 but I guess he’s hurting and feeling hard done by too, yes such a shame but he won’t he won’t pay/save to see one, I would even pay but I’m scared they’ll advise him to try for more money 😂 if I’m honest

@Naomi8902 yes! That's a great way to look at it- some things money can't buy including a bond with DC and the joy of freedom.

During my divorce I sometimes found it hard when discussing my concerns with friends and family because they understandably focussed on what they saw as 'fairness' and 'justice' but they didn't really understand the nuts and bolts of divorce, or had watched too much TV, or got divorced long ago when things where different. That served to fuel my frustration and sense of injustice, and stopped me focussing on how things really work.......

I hope it is over soon for you. The feeling of freedom, peace and relief was immense for me- again priceless.

I guess my advice in the meantime is to make the best of what you have, and practise living with uncertainty without putting life on hold. It can be a long process and managing to find some joy in-between the shitty bits is sometimes all you can do.

My gosh you are so right with the friends and family, I’ve had the same!
I get it they are angry on my behalf but it’s just not how it works is it!
in other news it turns out he HAS had legal advice so things are looking up 😂 hugs to you thank you so much xx

@Naomi8902 that's great news. One step closer 💪

Yay, that is hopefully good. And he's sticking with his position?

I'm the same with family absolutely fuming that he is even getting what I'm giving him, but I know that will not look good on court forms. I think some of it may depend on a judges attitude to someone not working, not medically signed off and not full time parenting - how they approach earning potential? I think they're not likely to care, but I hope!

He is yes, he was messaging me last night asking if he could sleep on the sofa as him and his gf had a row 😳 I offered to pay for a hotel but it blew over, he won’t leave me alone 😭. (There’s no risk of DV). I possibly could argue to give him less but probably like you not worth the stress and hassle and I just want it over and done with, the courts don’t know he’s not working (again) he had a job when the original forms were filled in, albeit I low paid one and he has great earning potential he is just too lazy! Xx

Hi everyone I just thought I’d post an update as you were all so helpful and I have come down from the ceiling now lol
His pension details have come back, there is a total of £76k in pensions from his side, he has also rewritten an more robust statement to submit to the court, he had actually sought legal advice so among other things that has been added, it has now been resubmitted to the court and it’s a tense waiting game now!
thanks again everyone :)

🤞☺️

I got the consent order approved! Just updating incase it helps anyone else going through similar! Thanks again everyone xx