Husband Wants a Divorce, But I Don’t – What Should I Do?

[malboroughwhite]

I’m struggling with a difficult situation—my husband wants a divorce, but I don’t. I’ll try to be concise while including relevant details.

We’ve been married for a long time, and at some point, I realized the life we had planned together was no longer the life he wanted. This realization deeply affected me, leading to a period of depression. However, I worked hard to improve my situation, and while my life isn’t perfect, I feel much better in many ways. Unfortunately, my husband is unhappy with how things have turned out and now wants a divorce.

I don’t want a divorce for several reasons:
• I still have feelings for him.
• I’m not interested in anyone else.
• Divorce would cause financial hardship for both of us and negatively impact our children.
• I don’t believe it would make either of us happier in the long run.

Lately, he has been focused on settling financial matters as a step toward divorce, and it seems like money is his main concern. He has shown no real willingness to work on our relationship.

I’m unsure of my next steps. Should I insist on couples therapy or counseling? Should I agree to mediation and start working on a financial settlement? Should I consult a divorce lawyer on my own?

If he decides to move forward and file for divorce without my agreement, what would that process look like? He wants a no-fault divorce based on mutual consent, but I don’t agree because I simply don’t want the divorce.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Why would it? She can’t make him have them ft neither would she want to.

Money seems to be your only concern as well otherwise I don’t understand why would you want to stay married to a man that doesn’t want to be with you anymore? Divorce doesn’t negatively impact children if it’s handled in a respectful manner

You can't insist on someone attending couples therapy against their will. If a man posted thus he'd be accused of being controlling.

Accept it's over, get your own solicitor and try and divorce as amicably as possible for the sake of your children.

Why would you want to keep someone that no longer wants you, it would have a more negative effect on the kids than yous to breaking up would.

You divorce. He wants out.

Keeping him in a marriage against his will just simply can't and shouldn't happen. It's abuse.

You make peace that this is what he wants and you let him go.

I certainly hope so considering all of the sneery, gloating responses. I’d hate to think that all of the posts revelling in kicking the OP and implying that she’s abusive were being read by an actual distressed person.

You can force him to stay married or go to counselling..he's been very clear and honest with you in your shoes I would rather agree to divorce while you can probably do it amicably than have someone stay and grow resentful

Wtf are you talking about? Are you hallucinating posts?

I don’t believe it would make either of us happier in the long run.

How can you possibly know this? You can't possibly say he won't be happier apart even if you won't be yourself.

Please accept what's happening, and work on coparenting well.

If you're in England, divorce is now no fault & as others have said he doesn't need your permission. I understand it's hard but by resisting the only outcome will be it is longer, harder and more costly. Get a solicitor asap.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I know it’s heart-breaking when you still love him. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re not being abusive or manipulative, just taking your marriage vows seriously. But he has changed his mind, and the law is on his side.

You must consult a solicitor. Don’t let your husband dictate the terms of your divorce. Especially if he says there’s no need to spend money on a solicitor: remember what many Mumsnetters have said from their own bad experiences — he’s not your friend any more. You have to get a solicitor to protect your interests. Try to get a recommendation from friends or acquaintances who have divorced.

Best of luck, OP. You and your children deserve happiness. One day I hope you will be happier without a man who doesn’t want to be married any more.

I'm sorry OP, but you can't stop him. It's brutal when you're the one who doesn't want a divorce I know.

Don't be ridiculous! FFS 🤦‍♀️

As others have said, there is no stopping it any more.
Having consulted a solicitor in the past myself, I’d say they are going to tell you to look for full time work.
So get pro-active, and get screen shots of all bank accounts/shares/pensions, and get yourself a solicitor.

How do you think you can force him to stay married to you?? You need to see a lawyer, and maybe some counselling for yourself to help you process.

I'm so sorry OP my husband of 20 years did this quite suddenly after 20 years destroying my early retirement plans. I'd been quite ill and have become partially disabled although I can still care for myself and have a fun time.
As a result I've had to go back to work full time and downsize to a terraced house from my lovely home.
I'm really struggling.
Turns out he wanted to go swinging and joining BDSM clubs.
His new life didn't work out and he asked to come back but I could no longer stand the sight of him. I'm glad he's gone.
It seems hard now but it could be you'll be happier without him in the long run.

Why would he be bringing up two children on his own? 50% of the time maybe, and I'm sure he's thought about that!

This is triggering for me as I wanted to divorce xH and he said "no, it isn't happening", refused to accept it and made everything very difficult.

It's really really sad but the truth is that either party has the right to veto the marriage at any point.

You can ask him if he would go to counselling, it might help you understand his point of view and accept things.

I'm sorry if you feel you've taken on board his view and tried to change and that it hasn't been enough for him.

If he's checked out, the best thing would be to work towards an amicable settlement and some counselling for yourself to come to terms with it.

You can't insist on couples therapy with someone who doesn't want to work on a marriage.

Ultimately, he's been very clear that he wants to end the marriage and has began taking steps to facilitate that. For your own sanity I think you need to accept that and start being proactive about the things that will make your life, and that of your children, easier in the aftermath of the split.

I agree with that but just like to add that couples therapy when both have accepted that the marriage is over can be very beneficial if you both go into it with the view of learning how to make this process painfree as possible for yourselves and your kids. That way you could save a friendship, even if it isn't a marriage. But to do that you both need to be on the same page.

This is what I am constantly told by my husband - I'm the one who has left. He genuinely won't accept that I might know myself or be aware of the consequences if I'm not happier, like I'm naive to the world.

@malboroughwhite I say this as someone who was persuaded to stay for nine months after I had decided that I needed to leave. It was hell for both of us. He didn't trust anything I did because he thought I was always on the verge of leaving which meant every comment or payment was questioned (I'm not saying you'd do this but I completely understand why he felt like this). I felt on edge constantly, hated myself for giving in when I knew I shouldn't and felt more trapped than ever which led to a lot of resentment which the whole family suffered from.

I reached crisis point and left. It would have been better if we could have sat down and discussed it amicably the first time I discussed separation but his refusal to accept it with my low self-esteem made it a lot messier. My decision was years in the making and that could be the same for your husband too.

I went through personal counselling as well before I left so knew I knew my own mind, and to be told I was wrong (and mentally unstable a number of times!) has actually been a whole lot more damaging to our ongoing relationship than any of the maritial issues because he's shown me no respect by fighting things.

@trailblazer42 It was the same for me. I was convinced to stay too when I wanted to leave and did for about a year. I completely regret doing that instead of trusting myself enough to stand by the fact that I knew I didn't want to. We are always told that people give up on marriage too easily and that all marriages goes through rough periods etc. Three years on I know I made the right decision and if anything, how he acted towards me whilst going through the divorce definitely proved it. If he couldn't have me then he was going to make sure that leaving him was going to be as difficult as it possibly could have been.

OP, please respect your DHs decision even though it hurts. Nobody is going to gain anything from you fighting this.

Should I agree to mediation and start working on a financial settlement? Should I consult a divorce lawyer on my own?

If he is asking you to agree to mediation and you're currently resisting then yes, both of these things.

You can't believe that either of you will be happier in the long run, but he has other beliefs, and is divorcing you. It is happening. You would be best to not close your eyes and stick your fingers in your ears and resist, because it will happen anyway. He doesn't need your agreement, but it will be a longer and more costly drawn out process if you don't comply.

Presumably, he feels he has "worked on it' sufficiently, and he's now out. You need to accept this and the fact that it will affect you financially and the children will be affected, but neither of these factors will be improved by you digging your heels in. Accept what's happening and play catch up so you don't get left behind.

His unhappiness has already sent you into one spiral of depression that you've managed to get out of. He's still unhappy and that's pretty conclusive so don't stick it out and spiral again. Your belief that neither of you will be happier apart is not a fact and you'll as likely to be proved wrong as he is, especially given the ages of your children means you've got a lot of life left to find greater happiness than this marriage to man who no longer wants to be in it. Don't insist on counselling for both of you, get therapy for yourself to help you accept and navigate the change as you let him go and build a new a better life for yourself.

Gently OP your DH has made it clear he doesn't love you anymore and wants a divorce. He doesn't need your agreement. He can divorce you without your consent. You need to focus on finding a full time job and how you will share DC. Have a think about if you want 50/50 or you want DC with you more and if dh's job will allow him to care for DC 50/50 or not. The best thing to do is not make a fuss and cry in front of him. Keep your dignity intact. Agree the marriage is not working and trying to get a good divorce package. Remember you will always be co parents with this man.