Feel sad about other single parents

[PepsiPepsiPepsi]

I know I’m unreasonable and will be told that loads of mums don’t get any days off but from what I’ve seen it seems unusual, I'm the only one I know irl that doesn’t get any time off. I even joined some single parent groups for support but can’t help feeling envious of how much time other single parents get to themselves, I feel envious of other single parents who get weekends off and whose exes have the kids half the holidays / take kids away on holiday 😢 which is how it should be. I know it’s terrible to envy other single parents and jealousy isn’t a nice trait and I know it won’t be forever but it’s a bloody long time! How can I stop feeling this way? Even one night a month would be better than nothing. I’m not looking for a solution but if anyone felt this way before as it would be nice to feel less alone. I feel like my life is on hold till they grow up whilst other single get to start again or maintenance a level of freedom and get to continue having a social life / meeting a new partner.

I'm widowed and also don't ever get a break, you just have to keep telling yourself things will get easier. Mine are a bit older now and spend time with friends of a weekend.

I use this time to chill out and not do chores so I feel the benefit of having a bit of me time. I feel for you I remember being exactly the same and just wanting a break.

That's exactly what I'm talking about, sounds like bliss to me. Being able to have some kind of social life I honestly feel like my life is on hold till they grow up. I've spent 8 years single and celibate which wouldnt have been a choice. I feel too young to live like this. I have no life like I'm watching life pass me by whilst other single mums don't have to place their life on hold like this. Hard not to find it seriously depressing.

That does sound difficult.

Can you find any other parents to swop babysitting with?

I think it’s hard either way. My kids are with their dad about 40% of the time and I absolutely hate it when they’re not with me.

that being said, never having a break must be unbelievably hard.

the room ides is a good one and trying to find say 15 minutes a day just for you even if you have to stick them all on a tablet/games console to go and sit and have some peace x

I think you need to explore what’s on offer locally OP. There will be something, most towns have a community hub. They will be able to signpost you to whatever’s about.

Your kids might not want to do whatever it is that’s on offer, be prepared for that. But I’m sure anyone you spoke to would see that it’s actually about you as well.

You need a break.

You could also give Gingerbread a call.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/support-for-single-parents/

I get it. I get 2 days (days only, no overnights and I still have to do the drop off) a month - but most of the time I just spend that time catching up on things that I haven't had a chance to do the rest of the time with kids and work (because I work around the kids, so that fills up more time than just the day).

It's relentless, and the type of relentlessness just changes as they get older.

I used to have evenings once they were in bed, but now they're bigger, and I work earlier, so they stay up as late as me, and I feel like I have no time alone, to myself at all - especially since the youngest has decided that he likes to wind-down in my bed (I used to spend an hour before bed just pottering in my room, but now he's there, so it's not the same). Plus my eldest likes a hug before he goes to sleep, so I can't go to sleep earlier, as he'll just wake me up when he comes for the hug (he'd just turn around and go back to his room, but I'm a light sleeper) - and I don't want to discourage that, because it's not forever, and they both need the security.

I think you just need to be as kind to yourself as you can, when you can. I refuse to give myself a hard time about the occasional takeaway, or skipping doing the dishwasher for a couple of days, or having an occasional afternoon nap.

@PepsiPepsiPepsi

Is your brother a single parent? It does sound like he is being favoured. Can’t your sister or brother help at all? Surely they could occasionally take a couple of the kids for a day out or have them over night (even just couple of times a year?)

I didn't mean all your kids do the same activity but rather could they just do regular after school club so you only have to go in once for pick up? You might be eligible for funding for something like this.

Do you work full time? If so that would be exhausting. Otherwise can you look at ways to get some down time during the day?

Do look into Homestart - my friend used to volunteer & you might find they can support you in some way.

There's no use trying to push grandparents who won't have them. Age the older two are quite hard work. It's hard to know as there isn't a lot of info here. Dad appears to have disappeared or died.

Yes I agree if my mum isn't interested then I don't think it's right to keep asking she's made her feelings clear that she doesn't want to have them and that's fine I don't expect her to and prefer them to not be with someone that doesn't want to have them anyway it's sad because obviously she use to help a lot when they were younger she even told me to move closer because she would "help me all the time" which I didn't but that never happened so I moved to live near her and now I'm stuck her and now she won't have them. I'm not going to force that. My siblings have never been interested in looking after my children I don't want to go into too much detail but one is a teacher and "doesn't want to be around kids" outside of school hours they make a big thing about that and that they don't want to be around kids. My brother is not a single parent he has a partner.

There father is not involved through choice but even when he was he wouldn't have them overnight or at his anyway but he has no contact now and hasn't for a few years.

I understand about single mothers who get so much time to themselves. I can't imagine offloading my children all the time like they do, but I know a break would be nice. One lovely friend's family would help her out and give emotional support. My family never supported me, so I can see what a difference that'd make. She worked so hard from the moment she got up till she went to bed, but she carved out time to go to the gym every week when her kids were still at the childminders after school, and she went to a hobby club weekly and it made all the difference to her quality of life. I don't have the energy or good health for adding extra things to my life, so I had to integrate it into my parenting.

I had 2 other friends who divorced, one only took her kids on the weekend and ignored them, and the other had every weekend off and her parents even moved in to help out as she would go dating several nights a week. I found it chaotic and stressful, their children were miserable and anxious from all the upheaval and instability. It made me glad that at least I offer stability, safety, comfort and love. I get 'me time' when the house is asleep. I use that time to work and study, but I also get to take a nap, snack and watch something. Integrating my child into my life was the biggest thing during the early years, otherwise it would've been even harder. Spending time in nature together, doing arts and crafts, wandering a museum or an art gallery, having a nice picnic. I try to turn the everyday and mundane into moments I enjoy or benefit from. Gardening has been a good one, I really enjoy doing 20 minutes at sunrise throughout spring and summer. Maybe you can find things you enjoy that replenish you whilst you're with your children too.

They are at that awkward age where they don't want to do anything but not old enough to be left alone, my 7 year old would be into all that but my older ones don't want to ever go out or do anything if they had it their way we would spend the whole holidays indoors, I do force them out but that isn't fun for anyone and they moan a lot. It was easier when they were younger.

That's a shame I use to love when my mum had them it was a much needed break and meant I could be a better parent as I wasn't so exhausted all the time but like I said I do understand why some mums wouldnt like it.

I think maybe it’s a choice thing. As in if you’re choose to let someone look after them to get some me time it makes you feel good. However when it’s dads turn and you don’t have a choice it’s different x

I get it OP- I always say 'I coparent with my ex' to make it clear I understand that my experience is miles apart from situations like yours. Just not comparable.

I totally get where you're coming from, I've been there too, and remember how lonely and sad I felt. I just wanted to reassure you that as the kids get older they'll have clubs, camps, sleepovers, etc which will give you more time, and also they will grow to understand the sacrifices you made for them and your reward will be an amazing relationship with them... Hold in there, it will be worth it!

I understand however I would love their dad to take some responsibility it makes me angry he gets to walk away as if they don't exist with no consequences id love to hold him accountable

I understand how you feel, no one should go through this by themselves. But, grass is always greener. I'm about to start the divorce process and my son's dad wants an even split of childcare. I wish I could have my son all the time. I know it's selfish and unreasonable but the thought of not seeing my son a couple of days a week makes me feel sick and devastated 😭 literally breaks my heart.

See that sounds like my ideal, im guessing your child is young though? Mine are older and I'd happily not see them every day 🤣 that isn't meant to sound as mean as it does but they often are hard work

Until you have experienced this way of life you won't ever understand.
I had 12 years of raising two sons totally on my own, husband died, no support. I was just expected to keep up like everyone else, and live a life others wouldn't want and had no knowledge of
It was a huge strain and felt relentless at times, you need nerves of steel but l got through it the best l could. Last thing my sons needed was a miserable Mum. It taught me a hell of alot, l am totally different woman now.
My sons are now both young adults and doing really well, and l have since moved on and met a lovely kind and caring man, we both have our own homes and finances and intend on keeping it that way but we get on brilliantly.
I have enormous respect for people raising children without any kind of support, it can feel lonely and scary, especially when things go wrong but what l will say is that I'm stronger mentally, physically and emotionally, l am proud of myself, my sons and the woman l have become.
I worked very hard on self improvement in all areas, and l practised gratitude even though things were tough, l focused on what l had rather than what l didn't. That helped me no end.

@PepsiPepsiPepsi the trick is to choose the father of your children wisely. I know this is not helpful in your circumstances. However, your current situation is a result of your life choices?

Yes, how remiss of all sole parents or widows not to have consulted a readily available and accurate crystal ball at appropriate times during our lives.

Truly, bog off with your sniping and take your crystal ball with you.

I’m 3 months into solo parenting after escaping dv. I hear what you’re saying about no break. It is scary to look at the months and years looming ahead and knowing it’s me and me alone. But my kids and I are so happy to have escaped and to be together. They are so grateful not to have to see their scary dad, and because I was so used to effectively already being a solo parent it doesn’t feel like a massive adjustment. Everyone is telling me to take things one day at a time. This is incredibly hard and can feel so patronising but the more weeks that pass the more I can see the sense in this. Take it all bit by bit. And please know you’re not alone. I also feel incredibly alone with it.