Feel sad about other single parents

[PepsiPepsiPepsi]

I know I’m unreasonable and will be told that loads of mums don’t get any days off but from what I’ve seen it seems unusual, I'm the only one I know irl that doesn’t get any time off. I even joined some single parent groups for support but can’t help feeling envious of how much time other single parents get to themselves, I feel envious of other single parents who get weekends off and whose exes have the kids half the holidays / take kids away on holiday 😢 which is how it should be. I know it’s terrible to envy other single parents and jealousy isn’t a nice trait and I know it won’t be forever but it’s a bloody long time! How can I stop feeling this way? Even one night a month would be better than nothing. I’m not looking for a solution but if anyone felt this way before as it would be nice to feel less alone. I feel like my life is on hold till they grow up whilst other single get to start again or maintenance a level of freedom and get to continue having a social life / meeting a new partner.

I do agree with @Cheryllou in telling yourself at least you don't have to be without them. I didn't have children to not see them 50% of their young lives and even if their dad was around I'd never agree to a 50/50 custody arrangement

I read somewhere 75% of the time we will ever have with our Children is over by the time they are aged 12 and 90% by the time they are 18

As hard as it is I tell myself this a lot - and to make the best and most of it

See we are all different I would have happily did 50/50 it sounds perfect to me!

7 10 12 and 13

Veey similar to @TheFormidableMrsC I've been a single parent for 11 years and my DD is 13 now. She's also AuDHD and full on. She also sleeps in my bed. It's exhausting, so I get you. I'm 53 and semi retired due to health conditions, so at least I get a bit of me time when she's at school. That's my saving grace really. I'm lucky in that I'm happy being single and don't care that I've not had a night to myself or a night out in 8 years. (My DD stayed at my Mum's around 4 times when she was young, but it never really worked) I also had a great life in my 20s and 30s so I'm happy with this life now. That said, it is important to have some me time. I tell my DD that I need '5 minutes' a couple of times a night as she just pesters me constantly otherwise.

The hardest thing I had to get used to was not being able to get up and go for a run in the mornings, join a choir (they all meet at night) I guess I just got used to it being my life, and at least DD is happy and not having to live between two houses or in a blended family as that would never have worked for her.

I've just had t minutes soaking my feet in the bath and trimming my nails. That was quite the win for me. I also love a scented candle and some lovely cream as at least I feel like I'm looking after myself a little bit. Oh, and a new Audible book every month (although I may have to pause it a few times for interruptions)

Anyway you definitely aren't alone. I stopped comparing my life with others a long time ago. Actually, no. I realised that most other parents whinged about their useless partners and felt incredibly bloody lucky to not have that type of millstone round my neck. I guess that's why I get up every day and thank my lucky stars.

It's really hard OP. I raised my eldest on my own for nine years and know exactly what you mean. I now co-parent younger DD 50/50 and it's so much easier- a totally different kettle of fish.

Thanks both for understanding. 50/50 has always sounded like bliss to me. It's the best of both worlds ive always felt like but I can see why other mums wouldnt like it.

That's a lot of kids to be left with on your own. No wonder you feel fed up OP.

That's a lot for one person. Their father has left four children with absolutely no care or provision from him? (Perhaps that's not the situation, but it sounds likely from what you've shared.)

Yes he does not have contact with the children.

That's really tough, OP. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to keenly feel the lack of a break or support.

Why on earth would your kids hate sitters?

Surely it is far healthier that they develop relationships with people other than their mother. How stunted they would be, otherwise.

Mean comment @BettyBardMacDonald. Loads of people can't afford to pay someone to look after their kids, and then if you do whatever you do costs money too.

Four kids on your own must be really overwhelming at times OP. I've got two and am not far off from being out of the other side of the teenage years. Also on my own without contact from XH for many years.

It will get easier eventually, I agree with the suggestion of making your own space lovely and trying to escape for half an hour when you can.

@BettyBardMacDonald

Why on earth would your kids hate sitters? Actually OP said it was too expensive. Surely you can see that it would cost a fortune to have 4 children looked after?

@PepsiPepsiPepsi

There should be some support available as a single parent maybe ask about free breakfast club, after school clubs, in secondary they should be eligible for financial support with trips. My childminder used to have children who had costs covered by government for parents who found things difficult. So that might be an option for after school & during school holidays for the youngest 2? I know of some holiday clubs which are funded too usually run at youth centres.

I can see why you feel overwhelmed with 4 on your own & no support. Why won't your Mum help?

Do you work full time? Do you get any maintenance?

I think some people say they are a single parent when actually they co parent & get time off, Universal Credit plus maintenance. I can see why that's different to being a single parent.

Sorry I did also say they would hate it, yes I couldn't afford it getting someone to look after 4 would be too expensive anyway as I don't get maintenance. I meant they would hate it because it would have to be a random from online (not someone I know as no one will have them) which even if I could afford (I can't) doesn't sit right with me anyway and my kids would hate it because the 2 older ones have Sen. They would feel uncomfortable being left with someone they didn't know well and like I said that's not the point as it's not about a few hours to myself that wouldnt change how I feel and I would feel even more resentful having to spend a fortune for that whilst other parents get it for free (in the form of their ex)

My mum won't help because she is only interested in having my brother's children. She has them regularly so doesn't have time for mine. They go to after school club on some days but tbh that doesn't help as they are not on the same days due to their ages they can't attend the same clubs so means collecting one and coming back for the other an hour later.

Stunted because they're not with a babysitter? What nonsense.

What a shitty comment.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people are completely unable to see that some of us truly have zero support and therefore have to do every single thing. Every single day. We never get a lie in or a day off, we don't have friends because they all moved on while we're stuck in the relentless slog of doing absolutely every single thing ourselves. OP, having been single since before DD was born, and having NO support whatsoever, I totally understand how you feel, it's beyond lonely, being aware of how your life is just passing by is soul destroying. Even one day/night a fortnight would allow a tiny bit of respite and a bit of space. It's really tough. And yes, I love my DD more than I could ever have imagined possible, and I wouldn't do anything to change that, but just a day off now and then to be me instead of mum would be like winning the lottery.

@PepsiPepsiPepsi I absolutely relate to how you feel. I only have one child but from the beginning, her father opted out entirely - never saw her, never paid a penny. I wrote on a thread earlier today that I looked into boarding schools as we simply had no quality time - life was just work during the week, tiredness and getting through all the domestic stuff at weekends. I so deeply envied anyone whose ex had their children even one day every month or two - or who paid the bare minimum in maintenance.

She's now 27, her father still isn't on the scene but she and I have a wonderful relationship. I know it feels like forever at the time but I'm so immeasurably proud of her. And of getting through it.

Bless you OP- four kids and two with ND. That is an awful lot for someone to cope with on their own. 💐 I'm so sorry their date is so useless and your mum won't help.

@PepsiPepsiPepsi

Could you try to speak to your Mum and explain how exhausted you are?

I would also speak to school & explain how hard things are at the moment & see if they can offer a space in after school club (even for one the same time as the other has a club so you don't have to do 2 trips).

You could also look at Homestart & see if they can help.

www.home-start.org.uk/

Are you able to rest while they are at school?

Is there any chance that the grandparents on their Dad's side might help out?

Thanks both for understanding.

I don't understand the comment about my children needing to have relationships with a random sitter, I'm not talking about friends or family if I used a sitter it would need to be a professional from online what relationship will they developed with them since most sitters aren't actually interested in developing relationships with the children and mostly expect them to be in bed when they come over! They have relationships with others at school/teachers, friends..

Widow here too and I feel the same x

You're allowed to feel sad and envious. You've got it really tough and it's so draining to never have any time out. A lot of my single parent friends have every other weekend to themselves plus a night in the week, which does sound pretty awesome.

No his parents have passed. I spoke to the school but they couldn't bend the rules sadly as my son really wanted to go to a certain club but he was told his sister could come to (so he said) which is why I said he could go but when I spoke to the school they was adamant he had misunderstand and they were not able to bend the rules so she could go which she was upset about as he told her they said she could go. It is for years 4-6 and she's year 3 and her clubs are dance which he doesn't want to attend because it's only girls that go. I honestly wouldnt ask my mum again she doesn't care and doesn't want to have them I have to respect her decision my brother is the oldest and favourite / golden child once he had his children she dropped mine, she only wants to help with them. He also only has 2 so she uses that as a reason why she doesn't have mine, I don't want to beg.