Feel sad about other single parents

[PepsiPepsiPepsi]

I know I’m unreasonable and will be told that loads of mums don’t get any days off but from what I’ve seen it seems unusual, I'm the only one I know irl that doesn’t get any time off. I even joined some single parent groups for support but can’t help feeling envious of how much time other single parents get to themselves, I feel envious of other single parents who get weekends off and whose exes have the kids half the holidays / take kids away on holiday 😢 which is how it should be. I know it’s terrible to envy other single parents and jealousy isn’t a nice trait and I know it won’t be forever but it’s a bloody long time! How can I stop feeling this way? Even one night a month would be better than nothing. I’m not looking for a solution but if anyone felt this way before as it would be nice to feel less alone. I feel like my life is on hold till they grow up whilst other single get to start again or maintenance a level of freedom and get to continue having a social life / meeting a new partner.

I just feel like I have nothing other than my kids, no life, no partner. If I disappeared no one would even notice. I have nothing for myself and feel trapped.

Why?

How old are your kids and how is your financial/support situation? Imagine by the sound of your post that you have little of either to actually carve out some much needed time for yourself - sounds like you desperately need it.

I don't mean using sitters that's expensive and I couldn't justify it also my kids would hate that. it's not about getting a couple of hours to myself I mean weekends and more, shared parenting how it should be.

I get it OP - especially the feeling of being trapped and that life is on pause. I've been divorced since twins were babies and eldest barely in primary school so very young so the years seem to stretch out ahead with a crushing relentlessness. Ex has no overnights sees them for an hour about once a month if that and he won't see them without me being there so no break for me then either. It's really bloody hard. No time or money or energy to date. Working full time it's just a never ending treadmill. Everything feels hard and if I'm honest not enjoyable. I wanted to desperately to have children but it feels like I can't enjoy them because everything else is just so hard and I'm so tired
I don't have the answer for you either as I'm still trying to find it too! But sending you solidarity x

It is awful that the children don’t have the other parent available in their lives. It has huge benefits for them but also for both parents. Co parenting enables both parents to work and play. This has wellbeing and lifestyle advantages for most people.

I think it depends on why you won’t use paid or free child care? If you can afford it why not? If, as you said, because you would hate it then it is a choice. One that you have made for yourself, not your children.

I have known people in your situation or worse. They use paid childcare and ask friends to babysit. It is not a forever situation. It limited their life and choices but didn’t stop it.

How old are your kids?
It will get better as they get more independent.

I've done 15 years on my own and I didn't ever feel sad for myself but I felt huge frustration at my ex's refusal to give our DS his time.

As a single mum, I taught DS to cycle, to swim. I took him skiing (on a tight budget). I've shown him everything I can of the world, taken him places. Introduced him to international foods and different cultures. Shared books and films. I've done my best.

Ex takes him for a burger once a week.

As you say, this is not how shared parenting should be. Some men are beyond selfish

I'm just about to try dating again after 15 years so I'm finally back out there. You shouldn't have to wait like I have., But you will get there.

Widow here, I hear you. It’s tough. I feel diminished as a person x

Sympathies, OP. I get 24 hours to myself every two weeks and that's if ex can be arsed. DC does have after school clubs and extra curricular activities which mean I can carve out the odd hour or two to myself occasionally, but I don't have a social life really.

I do have what I guess you could call a rich inner life: I write, I watch a lot of movies and listen to a lot of music. I try and remind myself it's a season, and as DC gets older it does become easier.

I've also started postgrad training which includes volunteering, so I try and keep busy that way.

Hugs, OP. It's financially and emotionally tough going. But we'll get there in the end.

Not my situation but I can completely understand why you feel like that. These selfish shits who just bugger off and leave all the parenting to the other parent really pisses me off. It’s just wrong. Have you any friends that could help? I’ve looked after my friends dc overnight or for weekends so they can get a break.

My ex moved 5000 miles away, for the first few years he saw them for one week a year, then went for a couple of years with no contact at all, then back to a week every year.
In some ways it was easier, he didn't interfere, I moved 250 miles without bothering to tell him until afterwards, didn't have to consult him on anything, made my own decisions. But I didn't have a break at all, it was just relentless.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have a couple of friends who've been through this.

I think it'd be a good idea to get the kids used to a regular trusted sitter (one of my friends had live in au pairs and she's still friends with them years later now her son's grown up).

Also swaps with friends. I am not a single parent but we used to holiday with a single parent friend quite a lot when our DC were younger. It improves the adult to child ratio.

Does Gingerbread still exist? Do they have a forum where you can meet others in a similar situation?

I am sorry. That must be very hard. I found (still do, though the DC are late teens now) doing it on my own tough and that was with generous amounts of time alone to recharge. Their father is flawed and selfish but has always been good at spending time with them.

Finding other single mothers could be helpful. Invite friends for play dates, sleepovers etc and that can give you a chance for time off when it's reciprocated.

I'm not going to tell you to find the positives in your situation. But if you can find things to cherish - for me it was those moments when it was just the three of us snuggled up in bed or having fun on a day out, knowing that it was us against the world - that was helpful.

I am a widow with 3 children and being alone sucks. I hate having to make all the decisions, bear all the responsibility for everyone and everything. My youngest is still traumatised from her dad’s death and won’t stay with anyone else for more than a couple of hours so, at the moment, I can’t go out. But it is just at the moment, and it won’t be forever.

As the kids get older you will get more freedom. My ex was in and out of prison and lived a boat journey away so never provided any financial support and I wouldn't let the kids stay with him as it wasn't safe. You just adjust. Having a good support network is important. I had friends and family who would babysit my children so I could go out or go away for a weekend, which gave me a break. I liked the independence of not needing anyone else's input into my children's lives. However I do realise this was because my ex was an addict and couldn't put his kids needs before his own. Look for the positives, this will make you feel better about your situation.

Thanks for the comments and those who can relate. No I don't have anyone that will look after them the only person who use to have them is my mum but she won't have them anymore. I'm not talking about paying for sitters as I mentioned they cost a fortune and I do not have the money spare I don't not get maintenance for the children and that's not what I'm talking about anyway I mean I'm jealous of the mums who get every other weekend to themselves or half the holidays. I have just read of a mum whose ex is having them for a week so they've got a week to themselves.

@PepsiPepsiPepsi I fully understand the resentment, it's hard to counter at times. My friend has 50/50 with her ex and has at least 3 days of the week where it's just her. Her ex also pays half for things, something my ex would never do. I live quite far away from my family but in any case, I wouldn't leave DC with my mother as she's not a nice person.

I think the first thing to do, if you can, is to make your bedroom a bit of a sanctuary for the time being whilst you're in the trenches. Make it a nice space just for you - candles from Poundland if you can stretch to it, clean bedding.

As the kids get older you'll find you'll get more time. Right now though, try and be kind to yourself.

Thank you yes I will have to make my room more private and just for me, my children often treat it like it's theirs. My sister has a sort of 50/50 set up with her ex he has their child 3 times a week and half the holidays it's hard not to feel jealous seeing her having so much free time she goes on holiday without him and her life just has remained the same. Whenever he is playing up or being difficult she sends him to his dad's house for a break.

I get it OP, I'm the same. DS dad has NEVER been on the scene from day dot. I try not to compare myself, but when I do I find it helps to think about the negatives they'll be going through too.

Parents who share care often have complicated emotions come up with their ex, and have to deal with negotiating holidays/dates/money. They also have someone else parenting their child - I would hate that! Especially with all the threads you see on here where the other parent is doing borderline risky/neglectful things but the mum has to 'grin and bear it' as it's not bad enough to go to court over/involve SS (but is still pretty bad!)

Obviously I don't always want to think about others misfortune 😂 But I find thinking about the whole picture helpful if my brain does wander to comparing myself with others. Of course there'll be the odd family completely happy with the set up, but I think it's pretty rare.

I feel for you but there is another way of looking at this. No one has kids to only have them 50% of the time. It’s a cliche but while it’s hard when they are little they are a gift and it passes so quickly. So maybe flip your thinking a bit - hard I know - as some people find the times their kids are with their ex unbearable. But you sound like you need to think about the small things you can do to move your own life forward. Envy isn’t serving you, although it’s understandable don’t forget most people are fighting some battle. You don’t say how old your kids are but if I were you I’d join as many cheap groups as possible to make friends with kids your kids age. Sunday club at your local church is a great place to meet people and whatever your faith it may give you a feeling of peace? They run lots of playgroups. Keep social to keep the demons away! If your kids are older cultivate that playground mummy network - good for you and the kids. As others have said it does get easier as they get older. C

Yes I've heard that one but no one has them to raise them alone either I wouldn't have used a donor.

Lone parent here, so I hear you. Everything comes down to me. I'm proud of the job I have done with my son (he's AuDHD) but it's been hard and with huge sacrifices. I've been single for 11 years, there is no opportunity to meet somebody. My ex husband abandoned him because OW wanted rid of our son so there has been no co-parenting. It is what it is, I've accepted it now.

What ages are they?

The idea of making your room somewhere just for you is a very good one. M&S have really lovely reed diffusers in their Apothecary range - they are £17 which is kind of mad for some smelly sticks but a lot cheaper than almost all other ones I've found and they make my room smell like a fancy spa. A side light rather than an overhead light makes a big difference too. Getting some headspace that isn't about being a parent is key, I think.