So Bitter and Envious of Others

[Bigstormcloud]

Seperated and due to divorce in the future. Married a long time with dc. I'm hearing that other couples around my age are getting re-married or married for the first time after living together or moving in together. Not talking young people setting out, people around my age. I am so envious. I feel so bitter. My life has essentially fallen apart and I could be on my own always (or it is going to take a long time before I get to the marriage/moving in stage again especially with school age dc) and here they are these others seriously developing their relationships. There are married people everywhere. I just feel so sad and bitter. All my hopes and dreams and being a Mrs somebody or other was so much of my identity (more than I realised) and here they are these others living it. I feel sorry for myself. I don't want to hear another single bit of 'good news' in this respect. Yes, yes of course I can rationalize things to a degree but this is more about feeling.

Anyone? Be kind.

Meant to say Hall wishing you all the best with your new start. You sound wonderfully positive.

I think that divorce is really traumatic for many people - even when it is an amicable split. It’s normal to feel grief and a range of other strong emotions. I think it’s difficult to see people around you in happy situations when you are going through a difficult time - it feels like salt in the wound a bit.

So many posters recommending therapy… of course it would be great if we could all just ‘go to therapy’ all the time. Not everyone can afford to financially or time wise when they are a lone parent/dealing with a divorce.

You have my sympathy OP and I hope it gets somewhat easier with time, but imo the grief is difficult to shift. Perhaps those who finding future happiness either alone or with a new partner eases the pain.

OP have you ever had therapy to deal with your traumatic childhood?

You seem to have tied so much of your worth up in whether someone chooses you or not. But you are a whole person, with or without a husband.

You can find happiness again, but you will probably need to reframe what that looks like to you. Otherwise you will only hurt yourself with the bitterness.

So many posters recommending therapy… of course it would be great if we could all just ‘go to therapy’ all the time. Not everyone can afford to financially or time wise when they are a lone parent/dealing with a divorce.

I work in a therapy clinic, and we offer low fee/no fee options, as well as online sessions. There are ways to make it work if you really want to. Of course it's not for everyone, but OP has suggested some issues in childhood she is still dealing with, maybe it could help.

You seem to have tied so much of your worth up in whether someone chooses you or not. But you are a whole person, with or without a husband.

Yes, lots of therapy. But this is very relevant and something I realise I have done. Rationalizing it and coming to a different way of feeling are different things. I realise what is happening but I haven't yet got to the point of feeling differently about it even though I am starting to strengthen my sense of self.

I divorced my husband last year. I'm devastated over what he's done but very happy to no longer be with him as he's not who I thought he was. Can't you reframe it that you're no longer with the wrong person and you only need you?

You can find happiness again, but you will probably need to reframe what that looks like to you.

Hornyhorners can you elaborate a bit on this please?

I divorced my husband last year. I'm devastated over what he's done but very happy to no longer be with him as he's not who I thought he was. Can't you reframe it that you're no longer with the wrong person and you only need you?

This is where I want to get to but with a caveat that I don't want to avoid others/relationship. Interdependency is the point to get to I think but I understand the sentiment.

Agree it will be a relief to be out of such a negative situation. But still, there is a sense of great loss around it.

OP, I'm not a therapist, just to be clear. You say you have already had therapy, maybe it's not been helpful for you. Maybe there are other ways you can help yourself heal.

I just meant that you can be happy if you let go of your preconceived idea of what that has to be. You can be happy on your own, and build a lovely life. Far better than being with your abusive ex.

No one is saying you have to avoid a new relationship. What is important is that you don't see your worth in being someone's girlfriend.

I don't know what interdependency is so can't comment on that.

Agree it will be a relief to be out of such a negative situation. But still, there is a sense of great loss around it.

And it is almost like I need something in its place. I know it isn't a healthy feeling or thought but it is sort of a sense of getting back what I've lost or imagined I've lost.

What I've got in place of a marriage with an inadequate cruel man is my freedom that actually, I learnt my worth.

I've lost nearly three decades but I've gained my future as a stronger person.

What I've got in place of a marriage with an inadequate cruel man is my freedom that actually, I learnt my worth.
I've lost nearly three decades but I've gained my future as a stronger person.

What an inspiring post.

2025 Do you grieve for the time you have lost over those decades? I too married a man I thought was different to who he actually is, only it has taken me a couple of decades to see it. I feel a tremendous sense of loss although I was happy enough in my blinkered bubble. I know the way forward. It's hard though.

No as there is no point. I was devastated at what happened as I tried to make sure it didn't when we got together. He's lied to me the whole time. He also had an affair ten years ago and I stayed for reasons to do with how I felt about myself. I still have moments where it's so unfair as he's with someone new, doesn't help with the animals, does very little with our kids, doesn't even talk to one of them but I'm moving and will never have to see him again. I'm the actual winner as I don't have to live with someone unworthy of me.

Thank you @Bigstormcloud. I'm not sure I am exactly, more that as a family we've had worse. So although I am sad and it hurts, it's not forever. It's also not a race to the bottom, your feelings are your feelings.
What do you feel like you need in its place? It's hard with school aged DC. Have you thought about the practicalities when you aren't living together anymore? STBX was completely useless at letting me have a lie in, even if it was 'my' day at the weekend it didn't happen. Now, I usually get a couple of weekends a month.

It’s not too late for you to meet someone. Life has a funny way of bringing you what you need and your husband now being gone I think that is God protecting you. I hope you’re okay ♥️

Just to prove the point. A couple have recently got married and if my memory serves me well, the bride was 102 and the groom 98. Now granted, they might not be having the passionate relationship you might wish for but it's still love.

Only if you let it. 53 isn’t THAT old. It’s not Gods fault, it’s your husband’s. You are well shot even if it doesn’t feel like it and now you get to lose that knot of worry over what he’s doing. You sound scared for your future, but it could be beautiful if you let it. Heal, try not to be bitter and create opportunities to make yourself happy x

What keeps coming up for me is something about being the 'chosen one' in relation to marriage. I was never the girl who was chosen. Certainly not at school or home. I didn't get married until my early 30's (I know this isn't incredibly young but still). I was never seen by my parents. I want to be the one that is chosen. A sort of status. Divorcing feels very much like going back again. How do I loosen this? I have done a lot of work on self - developing friendships, interests, getting to know myself better. Being kind and compassionate to myself. This feeling still seems to persist. I am in therapy and will be talking this over but if anyone can add any thoughts it would be much appreciated.

OP I hear you. I am very bitter and jealous of others. In my case it's all my fault as well. I've had tons of therapy too and I am sceptical that it can help. I don't know what does though. Just want to be 23 again and do everything differently. Trying to accept the present but it's hard. A hand hold from me.

I totally hear you @Bigstormcloud . My parents didn't want me. My dad as I was conceived without his permission - I know, but let's leave that for now, - and my mum as me being born didn't give her what she wanted. I was always the weird kid at school. In care but shock horror clever. That didn't go down well with the teachers. I wanted love and security, and was desperate to get married. Engaged four times but I left them all. Married the one I thought would always have my back. Divorced him last year as he didn't and I don't think I'll ever get over the cruelty of his words and actions.

However @Bigstormcloud , I have become my own security. I don't need a man to make me feel worthy. I can 100% rely on myself and don't need anyone else to make me feel I have a place.

Be your own best friend. You have got this as you have no choice to. Trust and have faith.

Hugs to my fellow romance writers on here!

Just for a comparison - I'm single and have been for eight years or so. And I have never been happier. Honestly, I struggle sometimes to write a convincing romantic scene because I cannot imagine ever listening to a man trying to be romantic again and not thinking 'oh yeah, you say that now...'

But there is life on the other side. You find a new single identity, you learn how to do your own thing and you learn to appreciate the peace and quiet and having things your own way.

Things can change so quickly, for everyone. This time last year I was the only singleton at work out of 9, now there are 4 of us, and all of them had been in serious relationships.

I'm also looking for similar to you, but having been married to a horrible man I'm finding it difficult to find anyone new as I'm so happy and content on my own - I just assume it'll happen when it happens!