So Bitter and Envious of Others

[Bigstormcloud]

Seperated and due to divorce in the future. Married a long time with dc. I'm hearing that other couples around my age are getting re-married or married for the first time after living together or moving in together. Not talking young people setting out, people around my age. I am so envious. I feel so bitter. My life has essentially fallen apart and I could be on my own always (or it is going to take a long time before I get to the marriage/moving in stage again especially with school age dc) and here they are these others seriously developing their relationships. There are married people everywhere. I just feel so sad and bitter. All my hopes and dreams and being a Mrs somebody or other was so much of my identity (more than I realised) and here they are these others living it. I feel sorry for myself. I don't want to hear another single bit of 'good news' in this respect. Yes, yes of course I can rationalize things to a degree but this is more about feeling.

Anyone? Be kind.

Hugs op, we’re knee deep in possibly won’t be together within the next year (nearly twenty years married, 4 kids) and yes, I find romance, love, marriage etc tough to hear about sometimes now (not easy as I’m a romance writer lol!!). I just try to concentrate on being happy as in me, you know, the little things. It works a bit. I think we just have to try not to dwell on it really, at the start I was grieving all our great times together and now I just kind of keep one foot in front of the other, bawling some days, being ‘normal’ others. Hugs x

Stayathomer Thank you so much for replying. Similar situation. I am also a writer and extremely romantic. I don't know why it is getting to me so much. I am grieving for sure. Why can't I be happy for others? I know that's what a grown up would do. But I had such a difficult childhood, it was like all my dreams coming true getting married. And now this. It is abusive and awful and I know I need to leave. I have a beautiful diamond ring I can't wear and don't know what to do with. I feel so sad and here are all these others embroiled in lovely relationships that have led to marriage. So bitter. So envious. I really don't want to have to face the hand holding couples. Life is going to be tough for me soon. I was always the loner girl. Now it feels I'm going back there.

I would make someone such a lovely wife. Laughing. But I would. It just needs to be the right person.

Apologies if you already have, but have you tried therapy, OP? Perhaps a different perspective may help.

OP I don’t know how you would go about this, if it doesn’t come naturally to you, but the secret to happiness is being happy with yourself and not relying on other people, career or objects to make you happy.

It sounds like you would benefit from some sort of therapy or maybe just talking to a good friend.

Also, comparison is the thief of joy. I’m sure we all know people who on the outside appear to have enviable lives but have endured terrible tragedy.

I can tell you from observing people in similar situations to yours that being bitter and envious towards people who are not responsible for your situation will make people want to avoid you. You need to be a good friend to keep friends.

Honestly don't be envious just get on with life

So many people really aren't as happy as they seem

They often just want to be seen to be in a good relationship on social media or in person

@Decorhate has it spot on.

Gently, your thinking is really disordered around relationships and status.

You really don't need to feel this bad or this way forever, but I think you may need some form of therapy to be able to heal and move on.

I am 11 months in to a horrendous divorce and feel nothing but joy and excitement and anticipation for it all to be over so I can start a new life on my own terms. I hope that you can find a way to see the future more positively, somehow. I wish you well.

I've done that though. I've lived a seperate life for years now in effect. Nothing beats having someone wonderful to share it with. There are many aspects where i do feel joy. I have wonderful dc. Some interesting hobbies. Some friends. Many other things I could get involved with. I kind of like myself. I'm creative, imaginative with a sense of humour. Also very caring. Nothing quite beats being in a relationship with all of this to give. I am bitter. I am also in therapy. My therapist as it happens, has been married several times. I know comparison is the thief of joy. But this sucks.

There's a lot of grief. It's difficult to put it alongside others happiness.

Bigstormcloud

I think that was what was wrong with me too, I took marriage as happily ever after too (is it a writing thing?!) am trying to frame it as life has different parts for some of us, different stages, so just veering off track a bit instead, and finding my way to be happy on my own. You won’t be alone, especially if you have writing and creativity, you’ll have things that take your interest and make your life busy.

“Nothing quite beats being in a relationship” I do get that many people feel that they always have to be in a relationship (I have friends like this) but honestly if you can learn to be happy on your own it will be much healthier.

I feel angry with God for allowing me to marry a cheater and was cheating on me for yrs and everyone knew but me ..I'm 53 now so not much hope for me .I'm also very romantic and really believed in happy ever after but nit much to look forward to now

OP, kindly (I'm mid divorce too) there is a reason you are divorcing. Not being happy is enough, abusive isn't somebody wonderful to share it with. Surely it's better that you rip the plaster off and have the chance of future happiness/romance

stayathomer we sound very similar. And yes, having my writing is a comfort. I struggle to write romance incidentally or love poems. I have. I had a section in my novel that was romantic but it was very traditional.

I don't know why but I see people in relationships as being more successful. I was always the odd child. Traumatic upbringing and a bit of an outcast. Then marriage and it sort of solidified my being I think. I do have a distorted view of it, I'll accept that. I'm much happier in myself these days but I do want someone to share it with. You grow most that way in spite of all the work you do on self.

Ripping the plaster off is the right thing to do. But I feel sorry for myself. Very sorry. I can't abide hearing these stories of people who have found happiness with someone. I want it more than anything and it isn't something in my gift. I have been grieving a lot these past months. A huge amount. I feel sorry for myself right now and hearing others 'happy news' doesn't feel so good. I wish them well but I want it to be me. It was me once. Or so I thought. And couples are everywhere. I wish I could just live alone on an island somewhere for a few years so as not to face it.

Feeling sorry for yourself and what could have been is part of the process. I'm sorry that I haven't had the happy ever after and I'm sorry that my daughter won't grow up in a house with both her parents. But like you, know that this is for the best.
Can you join groups locally to find people with shared interests? Are there any small things you can do to make home truly yours?

I've not moved out yet Hall. I am meeting people with shared interests. My personality is well defined now. I do think this is part of the process and it hurts, it really hurts. It's not fair. I know life isn't fair before anyone says it. Ask me how I know - because I was abused and neglected as a child. Always the outcast. Rarely fitted in anywhere. I've lost enough already. A happy ending should have been mine. I can't believe there is more loss piled on top of this now.

Doesn't it sting when you hurt and you hear someone else's 'happy new's. Like trying to get pregnant and you can't and every other woman seems to be pregnant (yes, I experienced infertility for several years too). It's a human condition I think. And yes, it will likely ease with time. I just wish it would pass soon.

For my own sake I've had to almost reframe it in my mind.
I can be happy for other people and sad for myself. I'd far rather be me now than me 12 months ago. Is STBX still in the house? Because that cannot be easy! I moved out and our house is on the market, he's still living there. I sleep better, there's nobody deliberately sabotaging my nights any more. I'm with my parents at the moment but looking forward to a new house once ours has sold. I would feel differently if we were still in the house together I'm sure.

I could've wrote this @Bigstormcloud. I'm
Going through a very painful period atm and am due in at court next week to seek an occupation order. You and I have had a similar upbringing and I too am mourning the death of a marriage and my future dreams- I feel like I've failed at life (even though i know I've got a lot to be grateful for). I'm assuming based on this thread that these feelings are a normal part of the divorce process.

A happy ending should have been yours, this is a chapter. You would never have had your happy ending in an abusive relationship but have a shot at finding a new one now.
Yes it will take time, DD is 5 and in all honesty I can't imagine living with another man for a long time. I want more than anything that she has a safe space, I can't be sure but I have an inkling that there may be a revolving door at her dad's so he doesn't have to adult. But that's another story!

It sounds as if you are a bit further along than me Hall. I want to reframe it. I desperately do. I want to be happy for others but I can't. Not yet. Yes, stbx is still in the house. It is difficult. Last week I was told about a couple around my age who had just bought a house and moved in together. This week about a wedding this summer (similar ages to me). My life seems to be dissolving whilst they are building. I'm getting older. It seems somehow more difficult to rebuild especially with school age dc in the mix.

When was the decision taken to divorce @Bigstormcloud? For us, it was last July so we can file the Conditional Order now. In all honesty, work has been so busy last year that I'm only just starting to take stock. I think it's easier because I'm not so raw. I've had to keep going for DD. I've got a new job closer to home and her school that will be starting over the next few months, which will give us a much better balance.
I'm looking forward to the 2 of us being in our own place, where we aren't subject to anyone else's moods! We're like kettles, we blow up but 5 minutes later are back to laughing and being best friends. STBX is a sulker and would walk out the house rather than have a discussion. This way, we know where we stand!

I also have dc Hall. Someone moving in is not a wise move. Much trickier to navigate. I realise it isn't going to be easy. Feeling so sad.

Yes Hall stbxh is good at giving the silent treatment. Treading on egg shells a lot of the time. You are ahead of me in the process. I am waiting for two events to transpire this year - the first is a key transition for dc the second is financial related.

It's the thought of starting all over again. It's a pain. I just want someone to live compatably with (but can't really as dc in the mix). I'm getting older now and want to get on with it and live contentedly. Laughing at how I've simplified it but I'm not twenty something into game playing and all the rest of it. I'm not looking for someone to start a family with or provide financially or any of the other things associated with life building. A lovely companion with similar interests is probably just the thing.