Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Maintenance after change of circumstances

81 replies

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 09:37

Hi there.

I was awarded spousal maintenance + child maintenance as part of a 'global' order three years ago. I was not working at the time.

About a year after the order was made I agreed an informal 50-50 arrangement with exh and returned to full time work.

The global order expires in two years' time but my exh wants to end it now.

He says I no longer need the spousal support and with 50-50 established no child support should be payable.

Can he do this?

He changed his job to a lower paying, more flexible one so he could have the kids more. Our earnings are probably now about equal. I got the biggest share of the MH so I don't have a mortgage. He does have a mortgage. He claims the living costs + maintenance amount to more than he earns.

But the job change, the 50-50 and buying a mortgaged home were all his choices, made after he agreed the global order.

Anyone have any thoughts?

OP posts:
Kitchensinktoday · 07/02/2025 13:49

I'm worried that if I lose my job in future, he won't' support me, if I agree to closing off maintenance now.

Of course he won't support you, you two are divorced!!!

user243245346 · 07/02/2025 13:50

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 12:57

Couldn't I simply recommend that my exh to return to his higher paid job and pay for his own childcare?

I have never put it in writing that he has the children 50-50. I was careful to only agree it verbally. In my mind he has volunteered kindly every week to take the kids during my time and they have agreed to go. If hadn't then my relatives would have helped with childcare.

This must be a reverse

Coconutter24 · 07/02/2025 13:57

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 12:57

Couldn't I simply recommend that my exh to return to his higher paid job and pay for his own childcare?

I have never put it in writing that he has the children 50-50. I was careful to only agree it verbally. In my mind he has volunteered kindly every week to take the kids during my time and they have agreed to go. If hadn't then my relatives would have helped with childcare.

Can I recommend to you to get a higher paying job and stop trying to take all your ex husbands money!

He’s not responsible for paying for you to save for your future, if you loose your job it’s your responsibility to find another way to provide, if he’s had an inheritance since divorce why would you chase that? If it was whilst you were married surely it would have been taken into account already.

BadSil · 07/02/2025 13:58

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 12:57

Couldn't I simply recommend that my exh to return to his higher paid job and pay for his own childcare?

I have never put it in writing that he has the children 50-50. I was careful to only agree it verbally. In my mind he has volunteered kindly every week to take the kids during my time and they have agreed to go. If hadn't then my relatives would have helped with childcare.

That's not how it works. Unless you expect your children to lie about where they spend most of their time. You are at risk of completely destroying your co-parenting relationship and creating a huge amount of conflict. We know that conflict harms children longer term. So you are happy for your children to suffer in the long term so long as you get lots of money?

You agreed to the original financial settlement. You chose to return to work and you chose to co-parent 50/50. I'm not sure why you feel so hard by done.

pandapopadance · 07/02/2025 14:03

🤦🏼‍♀️
I'm going to ring my ex and tell him I lost my job so he needs to start paying me......how much should I ask for? Him to cover my whole salary or just half?!
The entitlement!!!!

Howisitfebruaryalready · 07/02/2025 14:06

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 12:57

Couldn't I simply recommend that my exh to return to his higher paid job and pay for his own childcare?

I have never put it in writing that he has the children 50-50. I was careful to only agree it verbally. In my mind he has volunteered kindly every week to take the kids during my time and they have agreed to go. If hadn't then my relatives would have helped with childcare.

Why should he have to return to higher paid work? He has reduced his hours to have the kids more, and your work is facilitated, so why should he continue to pay. You got a higher percentage of assets on divorce which is what compensates for being a SAHM. You can't have it both ways.
Unfortunately you are being very unreasonable and making it easy for toxic men to argue women are only out to take advantage of them.

Relocatethecockringsbeforethemormonsarrive · 07/02/2025 14:07

You're a piece of work, aren't you. Poor bloke!

strawberrysea · 07/02/2025 14:07

You both earn the same amount now. You have the children the same amount of time. You got to keep the house. What more could you possibly want?

Snorlaxo · 07/02/2025 14:08

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 12:57

Couldn't I simply recommend that my exh to return to his higher paid job and pay for his own childcare?

I have never put it in writing that he has the children 50-50. I was careful to only agree it verbally. In my mind he has volunteered kindly every week to take the kids during my time and they have agreed to go. If hadn't then my relatives would have helped with childcare.

If you ex took you to court then he’d probably get 50/50 since mums and dads are considered equal parents. Wouldn’t you say that agreeing to 50/50 between you is better than him taking you to court because of the money, time and mental hassle of it? Not having it in writing isn’t a big deal unless you mean that you want to stall the process as payback which isn’t fair on the kids.

The court won’t care if he personally does the care or uses a nursery. That’s rightly seen as a parental decision.

Yabvu to say that he should get a higher paying job and use a nursery. You are totally forgetting about what’s best for the kids and a parent doing the care is the ideal.

You need legal advice but I would say that you morally should end the spousal arrangement now that you’re both in work and earning similar amounts. It’s not his responsibility that you took a 12 month contract and if you lose your job then his responsibility is to the kids rather than you. Think about it, if he lost his job then would you want to be financially responsible for him?

Whatever happened in the marriage, you have divorced so need to try and let go of past grievances. You’ve got many years of coparenting to go and need to remind yourself that he may have been a shitty spouse but needs to be a good parent. It’s best that the money is used on the kids rather than returning to court or having to go to war with him because he won’t buy the kids stuff as he hasn’t got the money.

rwalker · 07/02/2025 14:10

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 10:53

But I need the 1k a month to save for my future. I was a SAHM for years and lost out on pension. I also know he's had an inheritance.

His inheritance is nothing to do with you and you got a bigger chunk of MH so that must even out pension

Unpaidviewer · 07/02/2025 14:15

You need to put your DC first in all of this. Don't raise them in a battlefield just because you're greedy.

socks1107 · 07/02/2025 14:18

He doesn't have to support you to save for your future. That's ridiculous. That's for you to do this isn't a ticket to a free life.
He's having the children 50/50 and you're now working so it's right the money should stop.

DottieMoon · 07/02/2025 14:44

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2025 10:08

well morally he’s 100% correct

legally he can’t stop without a variation which he can request

and if he does so it’s likely to be approved based on what you says here

and you’re being totally unfair to him!

I completely agree

The OP is bring very unfair and selfish

DottieMoon · 07/02/2025 14:48

Nachotortilla · 07/02/2025 12:57

Couldn't I simply recommend that my exh to return to his higher paid job and pay for his own childcare?

I have never put it in writing that he has the children 50-50. I was careful to only agree it verbally. In my mind he has volunteered kindly every week to take the kids during my time and they have agreed to go. If hadn't then my relatives would have helped with childcare.

Shame on you. All you are thinking about is what will financially benefit you…not what will
benefit your children. They will find out about this later and resent you for it…and rightly so.

He made a lucky escape from you is all I can say.

Coconutter24 · 07/02/2025 14:58

strawberrysea · 07/02/2025 14:07

You both earn the same amount now. You have the children the same amount of time. You got to keep the house. What more could you possibly want?

Don’t ask her that I’m sure there’ll be something she can think of 🙈

IalsoWantToHaveSex · 07/02/2025 17:02

One of those threads that make you very angry. 😡

Shrinkingrose · 07/02/2025 17:06

I can see why you’re both divorced op. This grabby meal ticket attitude is deeply distasteful,

bigboykitty · 07/02/2025 17:08

Is this a reverse? Awful, anyway.

Unicorntearsofgin · 07/02/2025 17:33

Legally your ex can’t just end the order, but he apply for a variation.

Given that you now work full-time, your earnings are similar, and care is 50-50, he has a good chance of reducing or ending spousal maintenance. The court considers need and if you are financially independent, they may agree to reduce or stop it.

For child maintenance CMS rules generally say no maintenance is payable with true 50-50 care unless there’s a big income gap.

If your order includes additional child-related costs, those remain in force unless varied.

His job change and mortgage were his choices, but if his financial situation has changed significantly, the court may still consider a reduction.

LostittoBostik · 07/02/2025 17:41

The thing to remember is that maintenance is supposed to about the children and their needs, not your future including pension. That bit was covered by the divorce settlement. If you go to court and argue that you need it for savings (not for immediate costs of being a parent) you will lose it.

winter8090 · 07/02/2025 17:43

He does seem to be reasonable.

You both earn the same and share childcare 50/50.

However he did sign up to this agreement and should perhaps have considered that before changing jobs.

Have you thought about trying to negotiate another 6/12 months?

Daschund1 · 07/02/2025 17:51

I'm not a bitter ex DW and could never be in your situation (DC are adults), but women like you give ex-DWs a bad name. Is this some crappy reverse from a current DW (and SM)? because I can't believe anyone would act as you are. Your DC aren't a 'trump card' to be used to shore up your personal finances.

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2025 18:04

Your ex might lose his job. Yet he has a mortgage and maintenance to you while you took more assets and are sitting pretty.

if he’s got any sense he’ll rage it back to court for a variation

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2025 18:07

I’d suggest YOU get a higher paying job and stop fleecing the guy.

the more I read the more I hope he gets a backbone and wins

user263758910 · 07/02/2025 18:18

ManHereSorry · 07/02/2025 13:22

And people wonder why men are reluctant to get married.

1000000% correct

Swipe left for the next trending thread