Heartbroken by 50:50 custody

[Trickytroggle2]

My understanding is that 50:50 custody is the default? While I understand that it is in childrens' best interests to have a strong relationship with both parents, I don't understand why the default has to be 50:50.

I'm being told that the best thing is for parents to get along and not have difficult custody battles, so feel like I shouldn't argue it. But...having come from a marriage where I was not emotionally supported, with a refusal from my OH to take on an equal share of household tasks among other things, and generally feeling powerless, it feels like I am now being punished for that by having my children taken away from me.

I understand it's my childrens' best interests which should be at the heart of the decision not mine, but surely having a mother who is traumatised from being separated from her children for 50% of their lives is not in their best interests either? When I've asked my OH (by email to give him space to form a considered response) if he actually wants them 50%, he can't even say yes, so I don't feel that him having them less than 50% will have the same effect on him. It may be deep down, he does want that, but for whatever reason can't say it, but certainly the starting point for wanting 50:50 was not wanting to pay me anything, as we had a very direct conversation where he said that.

Surely a 50:50 default perpetuates people (especially women) staying in relationships that don't serve them/are damaging them because of the risk of losing time with their children?

I'm pretty sure there is no one answer, but just feeling really down and broken-hearted today about losing that time with my children, and even more powerless for intimating the separation.

It isn't the default position. The child's needs should be at the heart of it and arrangements worked around that. For some 50/50 works for others it's every weekend and 1 night tea with non resident parent
For others it's some rolling pattern. Also how contact looks now is unlikely to be how it will look in 5 years time.

The default isn’t 50/50 and you shouldn’t be brow beaten into agreeing with whatever your ex wants. There’s lots of mitigating factors and it’s usually fluid. Is your ex a good father? Will he feed them properly? Take them to their hobbies when he has them? Keep them safe? Do homework with them? Take them to doctor/dentist appointments? Stop focusing on what he wants and focus on what is best for your children.

The majority of men I read about on here want 50:50 to avoid paying child support. It doesn't last because they realise that parenting is hard work.

Are your kids still young? I can see why 50/50 is the default. It can work well for women too. If women were automatically expected to have the kids more time then that would be detrimental,for women's earning powers. Also, as millions of Mumsnet threads show, mothers are not always the better parent than the father.

I know it’s hard op. But surely you ‘losing time’ with the children is because their other parent needs equal time with them too, where possible.

It’s hard, but children don’t belong to their mother, more than their father.

But despite what you see on here about 50/50 always being a way to reduce CMS payments its not always the case

A lot of Dads do 50/50 because they want as much time with their children too. I've got 2 friends who did 50/50 they found it hard initially but then settled into a new routine the days the children were away and it ended up working very well

Sounds like you're at the start of the process and it's all very raw. It will get better

On MN men are pretty much castigated on a daily basis for not pulling their weight. Us ladies can’t have it both ways. I absolutely know it’s hard but men do actually want to spend time with their kids too, the majority of the time. I hope you can find peace with whatever the end custody resolution is.

Why would mothers be any more ‘traumatised’ by time away from their children than fathers? I think it’s good that childcare is more of a shared responsibility and not just for the mother to take on.

I did 50/50 with my ex and it worked fine, allowed me to work, see friends, date etc. it’s what you make of it. If you spend the time away from them moping around then you’re doing yourself and them a disservice

It wasn't 50 50 with me. My ex neglected DS and didn't feed him or look after him properly. DS got very distressed when the court initially decided 50:50 but thankfully they listened to DS and I got 100% but it took a while.
Ex did nothing during our marriage in the home or with DS so it was patently obvious that he wasn't going to manage in any way, shape or form. Shame it took me 2 years to persuade the courts.

traumatised from being separated from her children for 50% of their lives

Bit dramatic.

You said in the email that your ex hasn’t said clearly he wants them 50:50? He is probably realising how much work this will involve. Though remember not just women are heartbroken about not seeing their kids every day, dads too!! Before you start panicking you need a clear answer from him on his stance on 50:50, and for him to reach a decision make sure he is clear what he will need to pick up for the kids if he does this, e.g arranging after school care for them, taking them to their clubs/hobbies on certain nights, making sure they have packed lunches for school, on top of giving them dinner and making sure they have a clean school uniform every day etc etc. he might be happy with you having the kids more than him anyway, just need this discussion and clarification from him

As he has openly said to you that he only wants 50:50 to avoid paying child support there are 2 possible outcomes here to you doing 50:50

1. He rapidly realises this is hard work and goes back to doing something realistic like every other weekend
2. He steps up and becomes a much better and more involved parent than he ever was when you are together

Both outcomes are good for the kids as they get to spend their time with involved parents.

Long term reading of Mumsnet suggests outcome 2 is possible, but rare. I wouldn't panic just yet but keep a diary of what he actually does, and how many times he bails out on 'his time'.

With respect @ChonkyRabbit no it’s not.

Being separated from your children is incredibly hard on mothers (imho more so than on the vast majority of fathers). It’s also in a lot of situations really tough on kids- and as a mum is there anything more traumatic than seeing your kid distressed?

but surely having a mother who is traumatised from being separated from her children for 50% of their lives is not in their best interests either?

What about the father who is separated from their DC for 50% of the time? Sure some fathers aren't interested, but why is the mother the default?

Maybe the mother needs to work on their own mental health and not be traumatised, or at least not share that with the DC?

How does the mother cope when their DC go to school? Or are out of the house without them?

I agree with @ChonkyRabbit the majority of women will not be traumatised by this.

The decision should always be based on the needs of the children, not the wants of the parents.

Firstly it's not the default.

You need to sit down with your DH and have a conversation regarding this, maybe even consider counselling or mediation to come to an agreement. He may want 50/50, but in reality can he do this? Does he realise that he'll be responsible for picking up and dropping off at school or nursery, pay for afterschool or wrap around care himself, will his job allow him to do this, he'll have to facilitate any clubs they go to, buy school uniforms, cover school holidays, be on call if they are sick etc.

You also need to make it very clear that if you go down the 50/50 route and, for example you have every other week, that you won't be available to pick up the slack. It's completely his responsibility, so if he has a work meeting that runs in or has to have an over night stay somewhere, it's his responsibility to sort childcare for the dc, he can't simply rely on you. Chances are 50/50 will give you the ability to work more, further your career, do hobbies etc, and you won't be the default parent anymore when it's his week.

I hear on mn so many times that fathers have gone 50/50 to avoid cm but expect their ex's to run around for them, cover school holidays or do the drop offs. He needs to understand that is off the table unless it's an emergency, and his job is not an emergency.

As for the emotional side of things it is tough. But if he genuinely wants 50/50 then it's only fair, as he will be going through the same emotional pain regarding losing his dc 50% of the time as you are. Plus, as you've said, it's what's best for the dc - but I know that doesn't stop it hurting and you have my sympathy.

See it not as default but as optimum starting point. During mediation that would be the starting point but depending on schedules it may be deemed more beneficial for another schedule to be put in place.

Yes, starting point for negotiations rather than default position.

I've known a number of families to start with 50:50 but then shift to more time in mum's home. The only families where 50:50 has worked that I know of have one dc involved.

🙄With respect, you have no idea what actual trauma looks like.

Wow it's not about the parent. It's 100% about the children.

I didn't want my kids having 50:50 chiefly because as NDs they need me main home base rather than lots of back and forth. If that had meant them being mostly him and that's what they wanted then that's how it would have been. Of course it would be shit but it's not about me.

I said I wanted the kids more as I wasn’t coping and they weren’t. I said it wasn’t about the money as it wasn’t but that all costs should be split for the kids 50/50. It worked out about the same as maintenance.

With respect, you know nothing about who I am, or what I may have experience of, @ChonkyRabbit so that’s a pretty ignorant comment.

Most men don’t go for 50/50 because they work 5 days a week and don’t want to pay for childcare or rush to and from it. Schools are off 13 weeks a year and not everyone has 6.5 weeks of annual leave (especially if they want to save some for themselves or to spend as a couple) 50/50 means having to stay in the current area because of schools and it’s often cheaper for the dad to prioritise living near work location rather than pay a premium for living near school. I don’t know if there’s any data but I would be willing to bet that many dads who start with 50/50 and don’t have a woman enabling it (partner, mum, sister etc ) realise that it’s cheaper to pay CM so their lives are less chaotic. Even if he doesn’t go for 50/50 now, I would be more conscious of the fact that he may do so when he has a new partner (lots of stories on here )

50/50 is ideal for kids because in theory parents love their kids equally and the kids deserve to see both. Seeing both regularly helps maintain a strong bond and hopefully helps ease the negative effects of divorce.