Heartbroken by 50:50 custody

[Trickytroggle2]

My understanding is that 50:50 custody is the default? While I understand that it is in childrens' best interests to have a strong relationship with both parents, I don't understand why the default has to be 50:50.

I'm being told that the best thing is for parents to get along and not have difficult custody battles, so feel like I shouldn't argue it. But...having come from a marriage where I was not emotionally supported, with a refusal from my OH to take on an equal share of household tasks among other things, and generally feeling powerless, it feels like I am now being punished for that by having my children taken away from me.

I understand it's my childrens' best interests which should be at the heart of the decision not mine, but surely having a mother who is traumatised from being separated from her children for 50% of their lives is not in their best interests either? When I've asked my OH (by email to give him space to form a considered response) if he actually wants them 50%, he can't even say yes, so I don't feel that him having them less than 50% will have the same effect on him. It may be deep down, he does want that, but for whatever reason can't say it, but certainly the starting point for wanting 50:50 was not wanting to pay me anything, as we had a very direct conversation where he said that.

Surely a 50:50 default perpetuates people (especially women) staying in relationships that don't serve them/are damaging them because of the risk of losing time with their children?

I'm pretty sure there is no one answer, but just feeling really down and broken-hearted today about losing that time with my children, and even more powerless for intimating the separation.

50/50 is the ideal, reality is a lot different in many cases. To be beneficial for DC 50/50 needs two involved amicable parents who share the load and the costs fairly and can co-parent well. Best interests for the child should be at the centre of this and PPs talking about both parents deserving equal time and what's fair to dads aren't centering the children anymore than the OP considering her personal trauma in the child arrangements.

The reasons women are the default parents in divorce are the same reasons so many women are still the default parent while in a relationship. Those same things are behind many of the threads on relationships and divorce and AIBU and are behind women's careers and pensions still taking the brunt of the financial impact of having children. In divorce women still bare a disproportionate share of the costs of having children.

I know that many men are of course perfectly capable of being great parents. I was raised by a sole parent, my father. Sometimes like in my case kids are better off being 100% in their fathers care, more often, due to abuse, they're best off 100% in their mothers care. The majority of the time its something in-between. The conversation on child arrangements should focus solely on the best interests of the specific children and parents involved and the needs and wants of the adults involved shouldn't come into it at all

FWIW @Trickytroggle2 one of my friends ended up with a week on week off split and was devastated by it for probably the first 12-18 months. By the time she was 2 years in she was loving it, loves having more balance and would recommend it to all seperating parents. The friend's Ive seen struggle the most post seperation are those with ex's who see the children a lot less. I know Id find life a lot easier if my kids' dad had them more, ironically that would be in my best interests, but not theirs.

I massively disagree with 50/50 and I feel desperately sorry for the kids going through their childhood without one main home. Never feeling fully, 100% part of either household.

My 24yr old nephew was shared like this as a child and now he's an adult, has mental health issues which he himself puts down to never feeling like he fully, 100% belonged at either home, despite his parents' best efforts and having his own room at either home. He always felt 'temporary' like a guest. Like he was visiting his own mum and then visiting his Dad, then his mum again etc. Always having to pack a bag even though he had clothes at each home, as there was allllllways things he needed to take including favourite clothes etc. He says he still feels a stab of jealousy whenever his friends refer to the house where they grew up or similar. All this was just to make it fair to each of his parents 🙄

Also, it's meant that once he became an adult, the option to remain living at home beyond education like many young people do, wasn't really possible as he never really lived in either home, not properly. He didn't feel like he fully belonged in either house as whenever he was there, by the time he'd settled in it was time to leave again... It breaks my heart.

Children need a main 'base' where they feel they belong. Even if it only works out to be a short amount of time that they're at their 'main' home more than they're at their other parent's home. They still need that majority in one of the houses, to feel like that's where they belong.

For me and my family, 50:50 wouldn’t work.

For my friend’s family, 50:50 is a brilliant set up. Dad is incredibly involved, pulls his weight and has changed his life to mean he can do the school runs and the assemblies etc. Child support never even came in to the equation, he just wanted to be able to see his kids as much as possible and would happily have them more if he could, whilst realising it’s in the kid’s best interests to spend as much time as possible with both parents.

Mother’s should have no more rights than fathers to how much time they have with their children, it should be whatever works best for the family in question, children included.

It’s not the default especially, but parents do have the right to ask for it.

If your ex wants that, but you don’t think he has the ability to care for them for that amount of time, you can put forward another suggestion. Try to do it mediation rather than the court if possible - there are professional mediation services if you can’t get to an agreement you’re both fairly happy with.

If he can adequately care for them, then of course you shouldn’t try and prevent it - although I do think it’s generally acknowledged that 50/50 arrangements do need co-operative parents - however it doesn’t sound like you two are toxic?

Try and see this from all sides. What combination gives the kids the best care, and enough time with both parents to have really meaningful relationships with both. 50/50 is probably ideal if it delivers that, but there will be many times a different split will be better.

One thing I do think you need to drop (or work through) is the idea you will be traumatised by being apart from your kids. Unless your ex is a bad father and you won’t be able to stop worrying, or you are carrying damage from previously genuinely traumatic experiences, then this simply isn’t true. You might find it upsetting, and you will need time to adapt, but it isn’t traumatising - we bat these powerful words around far too easily.

I wouldn’t say it is the default, but that is because I can’t think I have ever known anyone to do it. Usually the dad has them every other weekend and a night or 2 in the week. But that is probably because the men are working full time and I don’t think I have ever personally known a single mum who works full time (because she has the kids most of the time).

I don’t think you can make a judgement for thousands of families based on your experience of one. There’s good evidence 50/50 can work very well for some families - and the children concerned do not feel that they don’t have a home, but rather they have two.

I’d agree it can’t work in all cases, and it needs co-operative parents who live close by.

I’m sorry it didn’t work for your nephew. I do think it’s unlikely though that it’s solely or even mainly responsible for any mental health issues, as they rarely have one cause, although it may of course have exacerbated them, if it didn’t suit him personally or was poorly managed.

When people say it’s the “default position” I think that means at court if it’s contentious.

many people have different arrangements.
Don't suggest that to your xH if he’s not asking for it. Just start the conversation about what he thinks would work.

If you have been primary carer he may be happy to continue in that vein and not everyone’s jobs allow them to do sole child care half the week. My xH’s doesn’t. He made noises about 50/50 but would have employed a nanny for his work days which seemed bonkers when I was available and willing.

Just start the conversation and see what his expectations are.
EOW and one night in the week works for many.

Arguably it’s nicer for kids to have one fixed “home” they spend more time at, while maintaining relationships with both parents.

Its just about being aware that if it does become contentious and go to court to be decided, if he wants and is able to do 50/50 that’s likely to be agreed.

It did feel strange at first but I’ve come to live for love the weekends the kids are away at their dads 😆 and wish he did a night or two in the week too but sadly the kids wouldn’t want that and logistically he can’t anyway.

If one parent did almost all of the caring in the past then that parent could argue the best for the DC is sticking to a similar routine. Many men say they want 50/50 care but actually find they can't manage to get kids to school on time, collect them if sick on their days, deal with after school activities and laundry and feeding on their days. After a couple of months they ask for slightly less maybe every other weekend and one sleepover in the week. Eg collect from school Wednesday and drop off back at school Thursday.

I think even if their father is a wonderful Father and is committed to giving wonderful, supportive and respectful care 50/50 with you it is ok to be gutted about being separate from your children half of the time.

i think it is ok to feel that, but then to also have to accept that it’s happening and find a way to work through those feelings.

of course 50/50 might not be appropriate. And that’s for you both to work through, but you have to be focused on what is best for you children. And often that means having a solid and meaningful relationship with their dad. Even if it means loss and heartbreak for you.

I think there are issues to seperate here .

Him not helping and supporting you aren’t relevant in terms of caring for the child.

There are factors that do influence this age of a child too young main residence should usually be Mum , teenagers have a voice in this . Location of parents after separation

I would have emailed how do you see Contact with the children .. however you are where you are .

At the moment from how it reads he hasn’t said he wants dc 50/50 so it may not even be an issue .

There are sometimes reasons why contact isn’t 50/50 . In my case CAFCASS recommended no contact for my Ds .. but ex withdrew from court case so never know what will happen.

i do also think we have to understand in some situations Dads are doing as much with the children - especially where two parents are working full time . Lots are far more hands on than they used to be .

I also think this is part the reason women need to ensure they are not just care givers to their children .

It’s often disingenuous to blame dads for not doing childcare etc during the relationship but then want it in the event of a split. Often dads are out working to provide an income that allows mums to pick up the majority of parenting.

when that unit breaks down both roles have to change - dads need to parent more, mums need to work longer

I realise this is a vast generalisation but one that seems common in mn even if less so in rl

Being separated implies you have lost your children and don’t have them in your life. This isn’t the case. Most of the time we are not with our children because it isn’t practical to be with them all the time. This creates some stress and anxiety which is entirely normal and manageable. Unwelcome or uncomfortable feelings are not trauma.

See a solicitor and make your case for more time in your favour e.g. 5 / 14 for him - it will make a big difference to how you feel and the wellbeing of your children if you’re the default parent. Agreeing this with your ex is the best way.

🤩

You're adding extra criteria here though. Op didn't mention anything about an abusive ex partner.

He’s not even saying he wants 50/50 so it’s irrelevant what others do.

We wouldn’t do 50/50, at all, it’s been discussed at length and if the worst was to happen I would facilitate my DH living close by or at home to see DC every day but I wouldn’t be sharing custody.

IMO it’s not good for children to be split between two homes and I would rather be a single parent full time than share the decisions with someone that would no longer be a member of the family. Thankfully my DH is on board and shares the same opinions about how divorce should be handled as he knows first hand how awful it is to be ferried from house to house at the weekends.

50:50 is not in the interest of the child. Its of the interest of the law system and at least one parent.
Being passed between two houses for half the week or half the year splitting holidays in favour of one home is utterly exhausting for adults let alone children.
The best interest of the child is a HAPPY healthy home with two adults who adore their child.
Life admin, emails from school, booking appointments, taking to appointments, looking for uniform and trying them on, taking them to karate etc, this is rarely part of the 50:50 agreement.
One way could be that the child resides in the main home and the main carer spends the most time with them. The other parent comes into the same home regularly.
Financing the different custody agreements is a whole new ball game.

Just go with the flow OP. By the time he gets the message that you're not going to be making any of it easier for him, I highly doubt he'll be taking days off to look after poorly children/school holidays. You just need to stand back and not facilitate any of his time with the children, hard as that will be.

No longer a member of the family?! Still your DCs family though, no? Let’s hope and pray that you stay together so that your children don’t have to endure their father no longer being thought of as a family member!

@AubernFable it’s easy to speak hypothetically until you’re in a situation and if dh didn’t agree then it wouldn’t be for you to decide.

50:50 can work well
50/50 can also not
but the sane can says for eow or 90:10 or 100:0

but it’s not fair yo suggest that only mums feel pain and upset being apart from children. And too many mums on here make their whole lives around children which is not healthy for either parent or child

Yes, a completely different scenario involving abuse might indeed cause trauma.

@theduchessofspork I never said I was basing it entirely on my nephew! I was just giving him as an example. It may "work well for thousands of families" but the real feelings of the children often don't become clear until after the fact.
I'm entitled to share my opinion without being challenged

We will have to accept that we have a difference of opinion here.