Heartbroken by 50:50 custody

[Trickytroggle2]

My understanding is that 50:50 custody is the default? While I understand that it is in childrens' best interests to have a strong relationship with both parents, I don't understand why the default has to be 50:50.

I'm being told that the best thing is for parents to get along and not have difficult custody battles, so feel like I shouldn't argue it. But...having come from a marriage where I was not emotionally supported, with a refusal from my OH to take on an equal share of household tasks among other things, and generally feeling powerless, it feels like I am now being punished for that by having my children taken away from me.

I understand it's my childrens' best interests which should be at the heart of the decision not mine, but surely having a mother who is traumatised from being separated from her children for 50% of their lives is not in their best interests either? When I've asked my OH (by email to give him space to form a considered response) if he actually wants them 50%, he can't even say yes, so I don't feel that him having them less than 50% will have the same effect on him. It may be deep down, he does want that, but for whatever reason can't say it, but certainly the starting point for wanting 50:50 was not wanting to pay me anything, as we had a very direct conversation where he said that.

Surely a 50:50 default perpetuates people (especially women) staying in relationships that don't serve them/are damaging them because of the risk of losing time with their children?

I'm pretty sure there is no one answer, but just feeling really down and broken-hearted today about losing that time with my children, and even more powerless for intimating the separation.

I have yet to see a single study showing 50:50 is worse for children

I have also yet to see any poster saying 50:5@ is bad, accepting that the father could have more time and the mother less.

You answered your own question in your first paragraph While I understand that it is in childrens' best interests to have a strong relationship with both parents

Thats the most important thing to focus on. You’re not losing your DC, you;re just not spending aviary day with them. It’s tough initially, I know, I’ve done it! But it quickly becomes the norm if you put the effort in to make it work. My DC have a strong relationship with both parents, and have said many times that shared custody as it was then known as was definitely the right thing for them.

But surely it depends on the arrangement? I can assure you, neither ExDH, DD nor I ever feel exhausted. We each take her to hobbies when it’s our night, I tend to manage school admin and let him know when he needs to send her in with something, he manages doctors and dentist. We don’t split holidays formally; DD and I go away at least twice a year, he will probably take her on a few short breaks. Between us we accommodate this and change days if needed. We manage school holidays because we’re lucky that I WFH and he works 5 mins from my house.
It’s a genuine partnership. We discussed the possibility of DD spending more time in one house when she started secondary in September,and broached it with her but she was adamant, she likes spending equal time with us. We’re 15 mins apart and she hops on the train if she fancies coming to mine on one of his days etc.
She has two houses, undoubtedly, rather than none.

To use 50 50 as a bullying threat when divorcing is part of the script, in reality it is how it pans out for the majority. It's about an larger share of the marital pot as well as child maintenance reduction.
I kept discussions on child arrangements to a minimum, just nodded and smiled at Mr 50 50. He has them for 1 tea time and 1 overnight a week maximum. He has the same access to school holiday dates as I do but tends not to remember to check. And still has the audacity to say he'll take me to court for an official order.

I am the primary parent and always have been. I was able to show that in court through my relationship with school and nursery, hobbies, play dates, medical, everything. Dad did absolutely none of it. He also wants 50/50 or primary parent because he doesn't want to 'pay' me, in his case it is about money and control.

It is not the norm for 50/50. It is becoming more common but not a must. If it is financially driven by your ex the court would not look kindly on it. If the kid's are used to one parent doing everything then the court tends to want to keep that status quo for the kids. Ex will be having the children every other weekend and one school night the second week.

This sounds absolutely lovely for your child. I really wish my situation was like this. I love hearing positive, flexible co parenting families who prioritise the children!!

@ChonkyRabbit totally agree with you.

When relationships breakdown, the best outcomes will be for those children who have good parents, who don’t bicker like a pair if kids, they will be flexible, co-parent and not argue about money, talk derogatory about the other parent and they’ll do it between them instead of fighting it out in the courts.

If parents can’t be amicable for the sake of their own children then it’s doomed from the start and won’t end well

It is about what is best for the child, and no, they won't allow that to mean whatever you want, otherwise you'll be "traumatised", Yes, when your relationship breaks down you will have less time with your children. This applies equally to women and men. The family court is not interested in encouraging people to break up, they are interested in acting in the best interests of the children involved.

Thank you. I haven’t made many good decisions in my life, but I hit the jackpot when I had a baby with exDH. I appreciate that not everyone has an ex as decent as mine.

I think this is the best approach. OP, lay out on paper how you think it could all work in terms of school runs etc. If your ex would have to use after school clubs etc, research the cost of these. I would approach it saying that it is in the kids' best interests to spend as much time with parents as possible and if you can better facilitate school runs and after school care then outline that. If he isn't adamant that he wants 50/50 and there is room for discussion then it sounds like a middle ground can be found.

Of course, I didn’t mean no longer family- I think he’d always be my family too, we have been together practically our whole teen and adult lives but no longer part of the family decisions if he was to leave. Sorry for being unclear.

Unless he (had a personality replacement and) miraculously became abusive or unsafe I would never restrict him from seeing DC at all, staying at home to live with them or being an active member of the family.

However if we separated and he left the household I wouldn’t be sharing the children (or pets!), the household would stay exactly the same to maintain stability.

This is just what works for us and what we have long decided due to different family traumas.

This is “happily married” thinking that is extreme hubris. You won’t split up when you are happily married. No one ever does. Even if you haven’t gotten to acrimony you will want a different life not a more expensive version of the one you have got.

I would be shocked and appalled at any father or mother who agreed to this. No parent should be denied access to being a full parent, no parent should agree to it and no parent should expect it of the other parent. But more than anything what would your children want ? They might expect something totally different from what makes you comfortable. They aren’t an extension of you and your needs.

The circumstances that lead to a split and the reality of life following a split make this way of living impossible. Couples can split for any reason but given the huge impact it has the reason will be linked to incompatibility on a fundamental level. A lot of the time it will be an affair, man or women it is the most common catalyst. People who like monogamous relationships seek another one. It’s impossible to do long term versions of what you describe when new partners appear.

I don’t really see the relevance of your post. The OPs ex is asserting his rights as a father because he is a responsible father. The OPs ex is a responsible mother and knows she has to co parent even if it is difficult and painful.

This is the type of discussion you need to be having. The reality is that you are most likely going to need to work and over time that will be FT or close to it. There is going to be a cost benefit to any arrangement for both of you. For me personally it would be cheaper to pay child support or child care than to drop hours. I am not saying that is my preference it is an economic fact.

And that extra time with the children isn’t going to be quality time. It will pick ups and drop offs. There is joy and fulfilment in that time but it is also a pain in the arse logistically.

It should be a given that you each get a weekend with your children as part of the pattern. It depends on your lifestyle and working life but the time on weekdays is limited if you work a full day and because they will be at school and with friends/ doing hobbies.

I agree about weekends - my SIL has 50/50 but because of both parents work patterns she doesn’t get any weekend time. My DH and his ex have 50:50 but they split the week, so essentially one parent has Sunday/Monday/Tuesday/alternate Saturday, one has Wednesday/Thursday/Friday/alternate Saturday. Both are doing school, the clubs that fall on their night, and having a bit of weekend time.

To be fair I think it can have his benefits. My friend who is this situation tends to do all her housework and batch cooking while her kids are away, she also uses that time to catch up with friends , get her hair done etc . What this means then is for the 50% she has them she is totally engaged with listening and chatting to them rather than doing the million jobs that she used to do.
she thinks they’re nearly closer as a result because it’s real quality time instead of quantity

Clearly I’m a terrible mother, but I love 50:50. It means I get time to be me. When I’ve done 5 days with them I happily wave them off to their dads 😄.

We are very amicable, live very close and often swap around to accommodate each others work etc.

Exactly as @BookArt55 said. MN indicates 50/50 is the norm but in my case it wasn't for us. Ex got EOW and one midweek tea and nearly half of the holidays. I showed to the court our child had mostly been with me, needed routine/stability, too much upset already. I also think ex proposals were bonkers and the court saw that. Unfortunately things are acrimonious too and that was a factor against 50/50.

But people have a choice to have children with someone, and yes again it is about the children that you both decided to have not yourselves

Exactly this. I was gutted to lose my kids from 100% to 50%. 2 years on am still gutted with it. I did keep going in marriage for that reason and would have carried on till they were 18+ to keep that, ignoring my happiness and that was most important for me.

I found the OP comment to be very disrespectful.

Why should the father have to forgive time with his children just because you are divorced. He may miss them in the same way you do

that said if he has never looked after them cooked cleaned washed etc then he may find it too much and may drop days anyway

But…what did you expect would happen? Do you know there are loads of women out there who will stay in a crap marriage because they don’t want to have to share custody of their children? Did you expect that he would simply disappear?

for what it’s worth, I think 50 50 is a crock of shite for the kids involved. They need a home. A base. Stability.