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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Why have I been so foolish

36 replies

GinaCb · 28/01/2025 22:41

Having been married 35 years i now find myself staring at being single, I’ve been married to a selfish vain man but I’ve loved him I’ve forgiven him so much, the affairs, the party with prostitutes in my home the wining and dining other women. I had a STI that he gave me, I’ve moved out moved back in but now there is no return he’s been chasing a Ukrainian woman who’s younger than our daughter, she’s 29. I found all the messages on his Instagram and they hurt, from the presents he’s bought to the begging forgiveness because he upset her. How do I begin again I’m 67 we have to sell our family home and I’m so scared. I don’t have a friendship group as I’ve always spent my time with him. At the moment it seems like all I do is cry. I feel such a mess. How do I move on. I could never go back not now. To add insult to injury he suggested marriage counselling. He has absolutely no respect for me I just want to be strong but where do I begin xx

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 28/01/2025 23:59

Start divorce. Seek a fair financial settlement

take it day by day
join a few clubs- walking/ bridge/sewing/cooking/yoga , anything to help you fill a bit of time and meet people.

go live your life free of this vile man.

MeganM3 · 29/01/2025 00:06

Make sure you get as much financially as possible. Don't go soft on him, you need to make sure your future is as financially secure as possible.

And then don't look back.

Reconnect with friends, take up hobbies, get outdoors, work, keep busy! The less time to think, the better.

It doesn't even matter, but... What could a 29 year old want with him? Absolutely nothing. Money maybe. He's an old fool.
Look after yourself. Onwards!!!

Enough4me · 29/01/2025 00:09

Small steps, set achievable goals for the day and week. Look into counselling, it can help to get the negativity and confusion out.

trailblazer42 · 30/01/2025 07:14

Your time to find you! Yes you’re 67 but what’s to say you don’t have 30yrs plus to live the rest of your life.

Build your friendship groups…join the WI, go to a book group, see if there is a U3A locally, find an evening class…even if you don’t enjoy things like that normally. If you think you’ll sit at home in your spare time fretting on it, volunteer in a charity shop.

You mention a daughter so have you got family you can lean on?

stayathomegardener · 30/01/2025 08:05

Don't forget to factor in his pension, you might get a larger share of the house as trade off.
Photocopy all financial documents now before he starts to hide things.
Good luck, I suspect when this is all over you might have a much nicer life.

Original poster
GinaCb · 30/01/2025 10:32

Thank you so much for all your suggestions I have thought about WI think that’s my first stop. Sadly there are no pensions we have a business together. I went to see a solicitors yesterday I need to safe guard what’s mine. I do have a son and a daughter she is beyond disgusted by her father, their relationship has never been great he’s never really bothered with her but funnily enough he’s started ringing and messaging her. She sees through him for what he is. A selfish vain (that’s his words) old man. And to add insult to injury he is still liking and commenting for all to see the other woman on Instagram. Sadly that’s been his downfall social media,he has a few thousand followers who like and comment on his posts and that’s how it all starts. He gets up at 5 in the morning to be on his phone, he spends every evening on his phone and if I say anything he sits in the loo on his phone. It’s like a disease a 21st century addiction. Which he’s happy to admit to. Thank you for reading it’s just so tough xx

OP posts:
trailblazer42 · 30/01/2025 10:42

Social media is the tool, but men who just need the adoration and validation from others/women have been around forever. It makes it easier but this is his personality

I'm a big WI advocate (became president of mine when I was 30, still heavily involved over ten years later) because in a group of women of any size, usually someone has a shared experience. Since I've confided in my friends there I have felt nothing but support...sometimes that's sympathy, sometimes it's husband bashing, but mostly just understanding and friends outside of my traditional friendship groups. I have other interests I escape to where they know nothing of me beyond what I do there - I can't stand it if people speak to me at yoga as I just want to go and be on my own! So having both types of interactions works for me for different reasons.

WIs are all different though, so see what is in your area...some are a better fit than others and don't be afraid to try more than one (or join more than one!).

unmemorableusername · 30/01/2025 11:13

What a pig he is.

GreatDad1988 · 28/04/2025 15:52

Wow, I thought my relationship I was a bad partner by just not realising I was neglecting the things that make a person feel appreciated but this guy is literally walking all over you and you are still with him?

I was dumped for waaaaay less than this, you need to respect yourself more and not put up with this behaviour.

Original poster
GinaCb · 05/05/2025 08:42

It’s been a while since I’ve posted but life hasn’t got any easier, we’ve tried relate for me it was to try and deal with a breakup that was so unbearable the constant volley of verbal abuse is relentless, him constantly telling me he sought validation from someone on social media who showed him kindness, something that I apparently didn’t, I thought the councillor would make him see reason that our marriage was over and show him you can at least be civil. What a fool I’ve been it’s just made him even more vile and angry I am really struggling now, I’ve made myself ill with stress and I just do not know what to do.
ive taken on board advice I’ve started yoga, and art group I’ve been seeing a psychologist. Should I go down the route of antidepressants something I’ve sworn I would never do. But I feel desperate. I’m actually scaring myself, my daughter said to me “stop with the pity party” but how do I pull myself out of this hole. Any help very much appreciated x

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 05/05/2025 08:52

You get the hell away from him, that's how. You don't have to allow him to be vile and angry, you have no need to communicate with him except through solicitors. It's not like you have young children you need to coparent.

Bonster37 · 05/05/2025 08:56

I think you will feel a whole lot better once you rid yourself of this pathetic excuse of a man. Can you not just file for divorce? Change the living situation. You need away from him. You have given him too many chances as is and now he doesn’t respect or believe you have any boundaries. He thinks you will never leave. He is gaslighting you trying to blame his actions on you. He is a grown man and responsible for his own actions.

LemonTT · 05/05/2025 10:56

I don’t see why you have sworn off anti depressants. If you need them then you need them. They will help you get to a place where the benefits of the other interventions can work. People mean well when they recommend yoga and therapy. In many cases these are enough for people with mild mental health conditions. But for a severe mental health condition they are not enough. This is when meditation is needed.

At the moment the pain of the break up is too much for you. That is where the anti depressants will help. It will manage that pain to help you face up and accept the marriage is over.

SheridansPortSalut · 05/05/2025 11:09

You're right. He has no respect for you. Until now you have had no respect for yourself either. You've now stood up for yourself. That's something to be really proud of. Well done 💐

Ticktockwatchclock · 05/05/2025 11:20

I’m so sorry you are in this difficult position, you don’t deserve any of the things your H has said or done to you.
You may find some help by reading this poster’s experience that sounds similar to yours, and there is a follow up thread as well.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h?page=1

Blindsided by H | Mumsnet

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault. Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h?page=1

GreatDad1988 · 05/05/2025 18:17

GinaCb · 05/05/2025 08:42

It’s been a while since I’ve posted but life hasn’t got any easier, we’ve tried relate for me it was to try and deal with a breakup that was so unbearable the constant volley of verbal abuse is relentless, him constantly telling me he sought validation from someone on social media who showed him kindness, something that I apparently didn’t, I thought the councillor would make him see reason that our marriage was over and show him you can at least be civil. What a fool I’ve been it’s just made him even more vile and angry I am really struggling now, I’ve made myself ill with stress and I just do not know what to do.
ive taken on board advice I’ve started yoga, and art group I’ve been seeing a psychologist. Should I go down the route of antidepressants something I’ve sworn I would never do. But I feel desperate. I’m actually scaring myself, my daughter said to me “stop with the pity party” but how do I pull myself out of this hole. Any help very much appreciated x

This person is making you ill. Re-read what you posted... you're going to a psychologist, taking antidepressants. The fault is not yours, the fault is his.

You are not to blame for being treated like this. Please get better soon!

Original poster
GinaCb · 08/05/2025 08:57

I’ve taken the plunge and started sertraline I just could not deal with the dark anymore it was getting worse by the day. I had morphed into Someone I didn’t know anymore. Can anyone tell me what I can expect. I understand it takes weeks to kick in. I just want to get back to being able to get through the day without crying be able to smile. Any help is much appreciated thank you xxx

OP posts:
myplace · 08/05/2025 09:02

A few days of dizziness and feeling spacey. That wears off but is discombobulating at first.

Take it easy. Look after yourself. Do little things that make you happy.

Gradually the spacey weirdness stops and you just feel a little calmer. Everything is still there, but it doesn’t bother you as much so you can still function.

It’s a bit like the problem that’s been up against your face blocking everything out has moved a bit further away so you can see round the edges.

GreatDad1988 · 08/05/2025 09:16

Have you also thought about some counselling?

Original poster
GinaCb · 08/05/2025 09:22

Yes I am having counselling it helps to a degree. It just all scares me having been in this marriage for 35 years I don’t know another way. The more he keeps telling me that messaging another women is no big deal I question my sanity. 😢

OP posts:
GreatDad1988 · 08/05/2025 09:25

Look at it this way though, if he's just messaging her but the messages are inappropriate, maybe she's catfishing him and if it all turns out to be fake, then you can continue to rid yourself of this person who is not respecting what he already has.

GreatDad1988 · 08/05/2025 09:26

I live on my own and have done for 5 years now. It is better to be single than be in the wrong relationship.

I understand your predicament though, you're looking back at so many years of having been with a person who seems to not care about their impact on you.

Cadenza12 · 08/05/2025 09:33

Stop talking with him. Get out and about, sort out the next phase of your life. He probably sees you as his nurse/carer/cleaner in his dotage.

MimiGC · 08/05/2025 09:54

It’s not clear from your posts, but are you still living with him? If so, that must be very difficult and is the first thing that needs addressing. If the marriage is over and divorce on the cards, then you need to physically separate.

Arancia · 08/05/2025 10:00

It makes me so sad and angry that women do this to themselves:

  1. Throw away all of their family and friends for the sake of a man, so they have no network when they actually need one
  2. Tolerate decades of cheating and other problematic, unacceptable behaviour from men - only to realise in their old age that they should have left 30 years ago

I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone can tolerate this for decades. You would think the STI would at least be the final straw for even the most stubborn to stay...but no. A man can literally infect you and you'll still stay and think that's in any way better than leaving. Crazy...