Why have I been so foolish

[GinaCb]

Having been married 35 years i now find myself staring at being single, I’ve been married to a selfish vain man but I’ve loved him I’ve forgiven him so much, the affairs, the party with prostitutes in my home the wining and dining other women. I had a STI that he gave me, I’ve moved out moved back in but now there is no return he’s been chasing a Ukrainian woman who’s younger than our daughter, she’s 29. I found all the messages on his Instagram and they hurt, from the presents he’s bought to the begging forgiveness because he upset her. How do I begin again I’m 67 we have to sell our family home and I’m so scared. I don’t have a friendship group as I’ve always spent my time with him. At the moment it seems like all I do is cry. I feel such a mess. How do I move on. I could never go back not now. To add insult to injury he suggested marriage counselling. He has absolutely no respect for me I just want to be strong but where do I begin xx

Yes we are still living in the same house I have been staying with my son to give me breathing space. The house is on the market but nothing happening there. I don’t actually have the money to rent anywhere. We also run a business together. It really is a mess 😢

It sounds like you will be better without him. Get a solicitor and insist on half of everything including pension sharing. Look around for things you can join. Walking groups, evening classes, photography, sewing, crochet, knit and natter, choir, gardening, cake decorating. There must be something you'd like to do or learn to do. Get out and about you will soon meet new people. Do you have a divorce recovery workshop near to you. It really helped me be better informed of what would happen at each stage step by step, make new friends and go on outings to bowling, cinema and walking rambles followed by a pub lunch, all with people from the group who were experiencing similar to me. I had been married 21 years and most of our friends were joint friends so I didn't want to speak with them much about divorce as I didn't want my stbxp to know how upset I was. I didn't want to bore my friends to death and I didn't want to make them feel that they had to take sides. As it was I kept most of our joint friends and he lost them by constantly slagging me off to them. Then he told our DC I had stolen all his friends.

Yes, it’s a mess, but even the biggest messes can be unraveled in time. Don’t despair. You moving out and renting somewhere is not the only option. HE needs to move out, as he is the one who has been unfaithful and thus ended the marriage.

Have you got support from a domestic abuse organisation? That is what he is doing, he is abusing you. The verbal attacks are abuse. He's trying to break you so that you don't fight for what you are entitled to. Once you see it, find your anger. How dare he do this to you.

Does your business have a value? Can it be sold? Can he buy you out?

If he’s a similar age to you and been messaging a woman in her 20s, does he honestly think she’s genuinely interested in him? It’s absolutely pathetic. If you went on holiday and brought home a young Greek waiter with you, and said well Brian you know it’s not an issue, but he’s nice to me.
WTAF!
35 years is a long time, it’s a habit, an arrangement, but by God what he has put you through is hideous.
And he’s not going to change, he’s just going to get creepier.
It is tough but lots of women on here have been through it.
When you are free of it, you will realise that you have lost yourself in this man. He has worn you down.
You should be enjoying your lives together, your daughter and your future. Instead he’s engaging with girls on Insta - and let’s face it most are scams they aren’t even real - and abusing you. It is abuse to tell your wife that this behaviour is fine.

I think when your living this life the boundaries blur we’ve always had holidays enjoyed the trappings of wealth But the bubble is well and truly burst there is no money just a mountain of debt I am powerless to afford to move out so take comfort from friends offer to stay a night. Not ideal. I have never felt anti depressants were for me but something clicked in my head and all of a sudden I couldn’t function couldn’t sleep and the constant shouting. I even tried relate In the hope she could make him see reason. That failed. I’m hopeful once the AD kick in I might be able to see clearer. I know it’s not a quick fix It’s just so happenes to the outside world my husband is a great guy but he has well and truly fallen victim to social media his live is ruled by it 24/7 the likes the validation he said it makes him feel great. There is no answer to this I just need to get through it. Thank you xx

Never go to counselling with an abusive man.
You cannot get a counsellor to make the other person see sense.
You would be better off going on your own.
And don’t blame social media for his behaviours. It’s just an outlet for his appalling way of treating you.
If you can stop engaging with him.
Look up grey rock.
Does your daughter know what her father had being doing or have you shielded her from it??

i decided the anxiety and my inability to deal with my separation I’ve gone to my GP and he has put me on Sertraline. I am on day 4 and feel dreadful I feel more anxious, exhausted and it’s like I’m in a fog. Can someone tell me if this goes. I was hoping for some respite instead I feel like I’m going g to have a break down. Any suggestions 🙏🏻

Hi @GinaCb I have never taken the same medication but struggled when starting anti-depressants for a good couple of weeks. I felt like I had cotton wool in my head but it did pass.
I know some posters on here really have good experiences with Sertraline, but now and again it doesn’t suit an individual. If you still feel really rotten tell your GP.
So sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for your kind words it does feel
absolutely awful. I feel I should persevere just not sure how long I will feel like this x

OP, if it helps, I, F(66) have been single for 5 years. I'm very happy with my life: travel, making art, exploring the new place I'm moving to nearer the sea, catsitting, visiting friends, reading/writing fan fiction, etc. You could have such things in your life if you chose.

Three suggestions:

• you mention art group. Have you read www.amazon.co.uk/Artists-Way-Discovering-Recovering-Creative/dp/0330343580 ? It's brilliant, hugely influenced how I structured my life when I was younger and is so much more than 'mix blue and yellow to make green'.

• you mention the WI and that you're not ready to leave your husband just yet. How about finding a residential course (Weekend? Five days?) in the kind of art you're interested in and spend time away from the toxicity. You'll have time to think, learn new stuff, meet like-minded people, etc. I used to love www.westdean.ac.uk/short-courses (not cheap), and Denman's WI equivalent doesn't do residential classes any more. (Oops.) But there's still plenty of similar opportunities...

• you say your husband is "constantly telling me he sought validation from someone on social media who showed him kindness, something that I apparently didn’t." What does he reply when you (or the counsellor) ask him why anyone would tolerate a marriage lacking in even basic kindness? Why isn't he freeing himself from you? Why isn't he filing for divorce?

Good luck.