my marriage became a badly written Eastenders episode

[Zenbook]

Hi, married for 30odd years. found out last year husband cheated for the last 5 with a colleague. how did I find out? he left out of the blue for 10 days. i left for work, and when I came back, he was gone. ten days of hell. then he agreed to come back. then 5 days later his 'mistress' (uglier, older, fatter and much stupider than me, but good bra size and jolly good company allegedly) showed up in our house unannounced and uninvited to tell me (sledgehammer event) he was supposed to have been moving in with her two weeks ago and chickened out. she called him all names under the sun in front of the shocked me. turns out they had been seeing each other for a few years and when i was away for work and seeing family she used to come to our house and he slept with her in our marital bed. and during lockdown. and when our kids were away. and when i was ill in hospital. we have grown up children. this hit one of them hard. the other is coping better. we argued for a month. he said he loved me and did not want to see her. then i found it the relationship continued for another 7 months (she pursued him until he agreed to start again) while he was swearing blind he did not want to have anything to do with her. at the start of the extra 7 months she arranged for him to see a divorce lawyer. he did. but undertook no further steps. he then broke it off again with her after those 7 months. we now live together and work from home, we live in the middle of nowhere. i don't know what to do. he says he loves me. he says he had made a big mistake. (when i say he slept with her= he had an op 10 years ago which made him impotent, so fumble with each other at best). also, it turned out her husband left her just before she invited my husband to 'sleep' with her on a business trip all those years ago. when her divorce finally came through she bombarded my H with rental listings until he left us (temporarily). when he did not move in with her, she pursued him until he agreed to see her again. when he finally broke off the second time she spent 6 months sending me messages about their escapades and him messages demanding damages. seemed like stalking.
we are both well educated although after having two children it was inevitable that his career flourished while mine floundered. there is a huge discrepancy in our earning potential. i take pride in how well he has done for himself (steered by my advice at the beginning) but feel cheated out of a chance to make an equally better life for myself. my family supported us financially in the beginning and paid for the children's private education, uni fees etc.

i don't know where to go from here. i see that she perceived him as a meal ticket. he lied and and lied and lied. i am in my early 50s and this all seems like a huge betrayal. educated and well read enough to draw enough lessons from social sciences, philosophy, art, literature. but when it's someone you lived with all your adult life - what do you do?

I absolutely agree with this.

but if HE did this, there is no hope for anyone.

You do know that no woman married a man they think is a cheater? Every single woman I know who’s h has cheated has been blindsided and gobsmacked (and there’s been quite a lot)

These men are good at compartmentalising and hiding in plain sight and seeing as yours has been doing it for years with no suspicion from you suggests he’s rather good at it (and that you are maybe slightly in denial).

he has tried killing himself three times so far when i tried to leave, once with huge police presence.

Oh, so he’s a manipulative twat as well.

Id bet my life he’d have done no such thing. You sound like one of those women who believes everything their dh says and is a bit….gullible maybe?

This is absolutely spot on.

I knew one (covert narc) and this was it to the letter.

i am not vitriolic towards the ow. at all. she is what she is. unintelligent, incurious and a bad copy of glen close. i feel sorry for her. she lost her marriage, tried several unsuccessful relationships and ended up chasing after my h.
i also would have expected him to chase after something a bit better than his aunt's younger lookalike.
i do not defend him. among other things, i don't understand how someone who is physically impaired like him can actually have an affair?
and why would a woman who's already been left for someone else run after a married man?
none of this makes sense.

Because there is mire than one way for a man to feel sensual and alive than just with P in V?

She chased him. HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE CAUGHT FOR 5 YEARS. He betrayed and deceived you for 5 years. He's fed her bullshit, made promises and lied to her for 5 years. It doesn't matter what she looks like. He chose to have a 5 year relationship with her. It doesn't matter I'd he can't get it up, penetrative sex isn't the only type of sex and intimacy. He's shared his life . He's shared his secrets. He's diverted his time, love, energy, attention and his resources to her for 5 years. He's chosen to stay with you not because he has loyalty to you but because its the least damaging option for him.

how is this less damaging for him?!

@Bobbing46

you don’t actually know why he has stayed with his wife

some men never plan to leave but tell their mistress they will

I assume pp means less damaging financially.

but he knows i would not take a penny without him offering.
i'd just go back to my family home. i dont even know how much money he has but its not something i would insist on immediately or possibly ever. he has to live on something too and my family is financially several levels above anything he will ever earn.
how is this life better than life with the ow? if she offered excitement etc. if she was so good as you say she was. and i am not vitriolic. i am factual where she is concerned. he can do so much better than her and i would understand if it were someone who was better in looks, intellect, attitude, behaviour, decency, honesty, devotion, loyalty. by all means. but she is not really something for what you lose your children. i don't get it.
i don't get it.
i don't get it.

OP is doing a good job of persuading me that some women get what they deserve. That they are stubbornly determined to stay invested in a crap relationship when any other alternative exists.

I would very much like to hear him take OP's moral inventory, too.

Why do neither of the women in this story have the self-regard to eject the guy from their lives?

Op what are you actually here for? You don't want advice, you don't want opinion, you just want to double down on the same points over and over slagging off the other woman and defending your cheating husband. And you don't want to leave home or anything? Why did you post?

i don't believe in divorce, i never have. it's driving me mad.

If you want remain married to a lying, treacherous limp dick, that’s your lookout, but that would drive me mad.

He has betrayed you in unimaginable ways. Please dig deep and find a way to not waste your life with someone who cares this little for you.

OP I am sorry this has happened. But you are very heavily focussed on her, perhaps understandably, but you need to shift your focus away from her, and to your husband and what you want to do next.

your choices are to leave him or to stay with him.

he has shown you how much you can trust him. If you stay you will need to stay in the knowledge that although he has been caught out now, he got away with it for years, and wasn’t happy to stay faithful to you. It doesn’t matter who he was unfaithful with, the fact is he didn’t want to stay faithful to you. Do you really think that if you both tried to make a go of it the marriage would succeed?

if you choose not to stay with him then get your practical head on. You would be an idiot (unless you are independently wealthy) to not sort out a fair split of the finances.

Good god, OP, this will be my last post and I'm unfollowing the thread then because I think you're a lost cause.

Why, if you divorced, would you not take what's due to you? You are entitled to half of all the marital assets and pensions. It doesn't matter that your family are wealthy, this is what you have accumulated as a couple of the last few decades and you are entitled to half of it.

But none of the above matters anyway because you will inevitably stay with this waste of space as a man.

And again, you're here in your latest post putting this woman down again... your attention and anger is so misplaced it's mind boggling.

You say that he could do so much better than her? Why oh why do you think that? He has proven himself to be absolute scum in his treatment of you. No woman deserves this man, he's a filthy, lying, impotent cheat who has no qualms with carrying on affairs for years behind his partners back, shagging other women in her bed... he deserves to die alone and miserable.

Anyway, like I said, you're a complete lost cause and I'm out. Best of luck with this cretin of a man, no doubt you'll need it.

Why?

Because, despite what you see as "acceptable" reasons to want someone, reasons you feel she does not meet, the truth is HE sees something in her that you don't, and that something WAS worth it to him. He is attracted to her - maybe because she is kind, maybe because she is fun - any one of a million reasons.

You don't have to "get it" - attraction and love don't necessarily make sense to others, and they don't have to.

The reason you don't get it is arrogance - you are judging her from your perspective and she doesn't meet your arbitrary 'criteria' for being worthy. The only thing you need to 'get' is that she meets his.

Perhaps it's because she is down to earth, easy going, and laughs a lot - all very attractive qualities to many people.

There's no point tormenting yourself with his why - the fact he DID, is what you need to concern yourself with.

Are you staying with him to save face in front of family and friends, because you don't want to have a 'failed' marriage - or because your ego couldn't take him going to someone you deem so inferior so you are refusing to let him go? You clearly can't bear that he chose her over your marriage for years, and twice.

I can't think of any other reason you'd condemn you AND him to such a miserable future.

Find your dignity.

Op

There was a similar thread to yours by a poster called gingerloaf her husband did give their marriage up though- his kids too - like yours they were older

They had been married 30 plus years and he pulled the rug from under her

You keep saying you don’t get it - do you mean why? I think you need to ask him why? He knows why but I suspect the answer will be something that has been said already on here - it won’t be anything remarkable - but if you don’t know why he did it then how can you try to fix that part of your marriage (assuming it was something to do with the dynamics)

gingerloaf couldn’t get it either the OW was portrayed as unpleasant in lots of ways - looks, weight etc

yet he still gave up his world for her

You have to do what is best for you . Do not waste anymore time worrying and stressing about why he repeatedly chose her over you .
It is not always down to looks / intellect but how the OW makes them feel and obviously it is a boost to their ego .
What would you say to a close relative / friend in this situation - you would surely tell them to chuck this man out for good .
Take it from someone who knows from bitter experience , it is very difficult to get trust back after an affair . Very difficult but not impossible , you need complete honesty / them being completely contrite and both individual and joint counselling to give it the best shot .
Your H when found out continued to lie and cheat .

Unless you are someone who is prepared to put up with and turn a blind eye to an ongoing affair , I don't see how you can continue and if you did it would be really damaging for your mental health .

Yes financially you will be worse off and won't have the future you thought you would - but I am not sure how you can continue to live with someone who is continuing to treat you so badly .

thank you to all the posters here.
we had an unpleasant six weeks so far where the lady in question stalked and harassed both us and our adult children. he reported her to the police each time. the action was not immediately forthcoming, so he contacted the solicitors too. the ow was arrested and released on bail last week. what a mess.

sorry. i read other posts on this forum which tell a similar story to mine.
in most of them, the advice is pretty black and white. 'leave the cheat because you deserve so much better.' 'divorce the cheat, take him to the cleaners.'
...
how exactly do you take someone to the cleaners if everything is put in one pot and distributed 50-50? that does not sound like taking someone to the cleaners. it sounds like very bad financial and legal advice.
unless you know something i don't.

Financial and legal advice aside... get yourself some self respect OP, some dignity, some standards. Your husband is disgusting, absolutely vile. Your adult children have been dragged into it, what must they think of you? I have the feeling no matter what advice you're given, you'll stay with this man so you do you OP.

Jeez op you came on here to only slag off the ow and stick up for your cheating lying husband. You're not going to get the answers you want here,you have taken no advice given inboard but to fight with anyone who suggests leave. Don't forget that everything you're going through has been brought on by your husband who cheated then led the ow on repeatedly. What are you wanting from this thread?

Well you don’t need to worry about taking anyone to the cleaners since you have your rich family

no one knows if you have done the right thing

but you have decided to stay so just embrace that choice

I found what you wrote a hard read...
Firstly because you're in such a difficult situation, your trust has been broken repeatedly over years.
But also because you list everything as 'she did this' and 'then she did that'. This woman, although actively playing a part and her actions are horrible, it was your husband who chose to do alot...
Your husband chose to have her in your marital bed and your home.
Your husband chose to lie to you for another 7 months.
Your husband chose to cheat (i don't care if it was sex or not. He cheated).
Your husband chose to continue communicating. When she invented drama, he could have actively blocked her, spoke to HR at work, spoken to you. He chose to continue.

You say you don't want to lose 30 years of what you have built for a fumble in your martial bed... but it wasn't just a fumble.

I think you deserve better. You deserve someone who respects you, if nothing else. He does not respect or care for you.

This relationship was done after years of cheating. The extra 7 months put the final nail in the coffin.

What are you staying for? Money? Life is too short. Get out and respect yourself and your worth. You deserve so much more.

God this, I couldn’t stand to have him anywhere near me after betrayal heaped upon betrayal. Please find your self-confidence and get the hell out of Dodge. Fixating on her is a way of overlooking his choices - he doesn’t deserve any leeway, he’s not a silly little boy who made a mistake, he’s a grown man who let you down and then kept letting you down. He made a bad decision and then kept making bad decisions. Literally it would make my skin crawl to have someone like him anywhere near me. He’s awful, he really is. I’m only 4 or so years off your age and I wouldn’t be putting up with this. He has behaved despicably. You deserve better and that starts with leaving the lying, cheating swine.