my marriage became a badly written Eastenders episode

[Zenbook]

Hi, married for 30odd years. found out last year husband cheated for the last 5 with a colleague. how did I find out? he left out of the blue for 10 days. i left for work, and when I came back, he was gone. ten days of hell. then he agreed to come back. then 5 days later his 'mistress' (uglier, older, fatter and much stupider than me, but good bra size and jolly good company allegedly) showed up in our house unannounced and uninvited to tell me (sledgehammer event) he was supposed to have been moving in with her two weeks ago and chickened out. she called him all names under the sun in front of the shocked me. turns out they had been seeing each other for a few years and when i was away for work and seeing family she used to come to our house and he slept with her in our marital bed. and during lockdown. and when our kids were away. and when i was ill in hospital. we have grown up children. this hit one of them hard. the other is coping better. we argued for a month. he said he loved me and did not want to see her. then i found it the relationship continued for another 7 months (she pursued him until he agreed to start again) while he was swearing blind he did not want to have anything to do with her. at the start of the extra 7 months she arranged for him to see a divorce lawyer. he did. but undertook no further steps. he then broke it off again with her after those 7 months. we now live together and work from home, we live in the middle of nowhere. i don't know what to do. he says he loves me. he says he had made a big mistake. (when i say he slept with her= he had an op 10 years ago which made him impotent, so fumble with each other at best). also, it turned out her husband left her just before she invited my husband to 'sleep' with her on a business trip all those years ago. when her divorce finally came through she bombarded my H with rental listings until he left us (temporarily). when he did not move in with her, she pursued him until he agreed to see her again. when he finally broke off the second time she spent 6 months sending me messages about their escapades and him messages demanding damages. seemed like stalking.
we are both well educated although after having two children it was inevitable that his career flourished while mine floundered. there is a huge discrepancy in our earning potential. i take pride in how well he has done for himself (steered by my advice at the beginning) but feel cheated out of a chance to make an equally better life for myself. my family supported us financially in the beginning and paid for the children's private education, uni fees etc.

i don't know where to go from here. i see that she perceived him as a meal ticket. he lied and and lied and lied. i am in my early 50s and this all seems like a huge betrayal. educated and well read enough to draw enough lessons from social sciences, philosophy, art, literature. but when it's someone you lived with all your adult life - what do you do?

Also agree with pps, you are making ow out to be the villain , like as though she set out to ruin your marriage. Your dh did that all on his own, just because she is unhinged doesn't change the fact that HE had an affair. The final straw for me would be the two of them in my bed, f that. That is pure and utter disregard and disrespect. LTB.

Yes, everyone on here is going to tell you to divorce this man.

But, ultimately it is what you want deep down and whether you can live with your decision. Also, can your children live with your decision, if you decide to fight for your marriage, as this affects them too.

As I see it you have 2 options.

You separate, divorce and start your life again.

You seek marriage counselling, have open conversations and try and fight for what you have left. Let him know it's not alright, it's not something you will tolerate again, let him know how betrayed and hurt he has made you feel and that this is all on him. Midlife crisis, whatever, we all go through it but it doesn't send us all running into the arms of someone else. He needs to be a grown up and face his problems, not try and replace them.

I am not condoning what he did, and yes he did a bad thing, but sounds like even if he had realised he made a mistake this woman was not going to let him go, I am picturing Glen Close whilst typing this (although an uglier, fatter, big busted version).

Ultimately, your life with this man is never going to be the same as it was, and there will always be an element of doubt. Who is that text from? Is he being more secretive with his phone? Should I check his emails? He said he would be 10 mins and he's been half an hour, where is he? Who is he with?

I wish you luck. But do what feels right to you, not what feels right to him, or your children or friends.

i understand.
by the way, he never gave me any explanations or any reasons. he's not someone who talks. at all.
all of the above is what i drew out of bits a pieces which trickled out for the last two years.
i am not sure he does not want to be alone in his retirement - he lived alone for about 10 years before he met me (our age difference) and is quite capable of taking care of himself. more than I am.
My problem is that he was so reliable. So invested into his family. Such a pillar.
And then suddenly it all crumbled. he changed into the exact opposite he was for 30 years.
how on earth does this happen?!
how does someone who bizarrely is the exact opposite of me (once again - frumpy, older looking, small, dumpy, shortlegged, full bra (has to be said), stupid, narrow minded, but great fun, full of jokes, cat on a hot tin roof type person), just enter his life, influence and effect such a change, destroy his relationship with his children. and then he tells her to go away, quite decidedly....
I mean financially it will be a struggle for me, but that's not what's keeping me here. I am loyal and I do not give up easily (qed). he nearly died last summer had it not been for me.
then i found out he was seeing her again. :-) she camped outside until she got him on his own (i reviewed camera footage) and ran after him until he spoke to her.

is this all there is to it? are you saying ALL men are like this and I am delusional? because as long as a woman is busty and brazen and stubborn, she can get any man?! because everyone can do this to do at some point?
why do people have relationships and have children then?

and yes.
my friend saw one picture of her, started laughing her pants off and said - omg that's glen close! a bit uglier and a lot less glamourous, i would share the picture if the police had not told me to keep a low profile. (she threatened all sorts of things).
thank you for the reference, made my evening. thank you hahaha

Op

You said he saw a lawyer and had a change of heart

Have you considered he didn’t want to gift you all that you would have been entitled to upon divorce?

i have three friends who went through divorce.
all three had a bumpy ride. very bumpy ride.
i spoke to two expensive family law firms. neither convinced me it would be a good idea to go it alone.
if this happened to my h it can happen to literally anyone. anyone.
to the poster to commented on my orthography, i lost my left wrist in an accident.

no haha not a doctor.
he is not that clever.
my family paid for our children not for our life. i worked all sorts of jobs before i got to where i am now.
he did very well.
hence noticed by her.

The common denominator his him. But for him she wouldn't have access to him or to you. He opened the door to her. He cheated with her. He had a relationship with her for 5 years. Unfortunately, I think you are the path of least resistance. I think staying is less stressful for him and less damaging financially. I wonder what this has all done to you and your self esteem and self respect that you are even considering staying with him. You're 50. I think you'll be happier without him. He's a liar. He can't be trusted and he has brought drama and misery into your life. Get rid and move on.

No, not all men are like this. Only men who want to cheat actually cheat. The fact she's your polar opposite is nothing to do with you but your husband. Stop deluding yourself that your husband is a victim in this and it was all her. Anyone can cheat but not everyone does

no i don't see him as a victim.
i guess i am surprised that he ended up seeing a 'debbie'. (our old neighbour, spitting image and character.
i really don't get it.
it's like he developed a split personality.
if he is a serial cheat, i clearly don't know anything about people.

i also do not get why is she still after him? it's like she spent the last 30 years with him, has children with him etc instead of me?
what can she possibly benefit from after he treated her like this?!
she called him a liar (what did he lie about?!) she called him a coward (for staying with his family?!) she sent numerous messages to me about their affair (as if that was going to endear her to him)...
i just don't get any of this?
no i do not trust him, yes i am hurt, yes i feel demoralised.
but how do you differentiate between a cheater and a not cheater?!
he was supposed to be a not cheater.
i don't get anything any more.

Why in the name of god are you still even thinking about her? Insulting her? She doesn't matter, your awful, filthy, cheating husband is what matters in this situation. But you seem to be laying most of the blame on her door.

Your husband is a filthy rotten cheat who shagged another woman in your marital bed multiple times... yet it seems you're going to stay with him and just keep focusing your attention and anger on this woman.

I seriously think you need therapy.

Not really. It's often not the younger hotter woman people believe. It's about how they make the cheater feel about themselves. So often the person isn't actually an upgrade at all

OP I know you have said you are loyal and don't like divorce but surely you accept that there are situations where divorce is the right thing.

This really is one of those situations imo. He's weak. And I don't say this of everyone who has affairs. There are as many reasons for affairs as there are affairs but everything about your DH just sounds weak and wet. I couldn't be with a man like this. He would disgust me

A quick fumble in the marital bed is a one-off. This has been years of infidelity and sneaking around behind your back. Even when it all came out, he carried on lying to you and seeing her.

You are painting him as a helpless victim of circumstance, where he's been snared by a predatory woman who refused to let go. This isn't true. Regardless of how persistent she was (or is) he is an adult man with full agency.

He could have said no. He could have blocked her, told her to stop contacting him, come clean to you and involved the police if she carried on harassing him. He could have prioritised his marriage vows. He did none of those things.

Instead you are obsessing about her bra size (not sure why as it's really odd). She is complicit but he was the one that made vows to you, not her.

yes, this is what the medic friend said. it's not about looks it's about how the ow make the cheater feel. she was good company, far funnier than me, and i guess for his particular situation her physical attributes made a difference.

i do not see him as a victim.
but if HE did this, there is no hope for anyone.
yes i see what he did as a weakness, yes i see he could have stopped it at any time and he did not want to.
but he is with me and not with her (for now, i don;t know if i will stay).
he has tried killing himself three times so far when i tried to leave, once with huge police presence.
i am not justifying or defending i just don't see how, if i ever leave and meet anyone else, how anyone will be constant even for a year if my h did this.
a solicitor friend spent years telling me i was so lucky because my h would be the one to trust.
she's stunned.

I find your attitude very odd OP.

but if HE did this, there is no hope for anyone.

You’ve put him on a pedestal for some reason but he’s just a normal person, and clearly flawed. There are many people who go through live not lying and cheating but your husband isn’t one of them. He’s a liar and a cheat. Your faith in him is misplaced but that doesn’t mean everyone else is the same as him. Wake up.

Did you think he’d been neutered by the ED so would never stray? The ED must have oreyed on his mind. You keep wondering what she could give him—isn’t it obvious what she gsve him? Hope , sexual excitement, a sense of his masculinity rediscovered, no sad history of fsilure? Of course he is oscillating between you (security/family/despair) vs (excitement, sexuality, freedom).

I don’t know how you can stay with him—even with the suicidal gestures. He will simply repeat all these patterns every few years, or month's, in a rapidly increasing cycle. Stray, offend, beg, threaten suicide, collapse, be rescued. it is the cycle of abuse but with an abuser who is a covert narcissist.

Cycle of abuse is (roughly)

Normal Life => tension rises => fault finding => violent outburst => fighting/abuse => regret and apologies => honeymoon phase ==> return to tensions rising

With a covert narcissist as his need for validation rises he will seek outside stimulation/affairs/excitement. You may be oblivious but inside the house, although you can’t see it, things are not stable. When you find out about the other woman there is an explosion and then he collapses, threatens suicide, and you are forced to rescue him and make up with him (in a straight up abuser situation the abuser will also often collapse, threaten self harm, beg you to rescue him) . After you forgive him he wants and expects a honeymoon period when all is forgiven. Meanwhile fir you tension starts riding again as you are trapped in this cycle you can’t break out of.

but he is with me and not with her

Woohoo, the lying, cheating, filthy scumbag is with you!!! Congratulations 😅

OP, you're a fool if you stay in this relationship. He has already made a complete and utter fool of you.

You talk about leaving and never finding someone else to trust... I would prefer to leave and be single and celibate for the rest of my days than be treated like less than shit on this man's shoe.

Don't for a second think that this man loves you, he doesn't even like you. People don't do this to people that they love.

And he's threatened suicide? So what? That's not your problem, he's done this to himself and whatever actions he wants to take as a result are up to him and not for you to feel guilt over. Can't you even see how manipulative this is?

I have no doubt that you will actually stay with this man though and continue to be made a fool of. I really don't know why you started this thread.

It's actually so sad to see a woman with so little self worth.

This poster has said everything I was about to say.

OP, your feeling of 'if HE can do it, there's no hope for anyone' is a reaction to a profound shock and destabilising events. While understandable, that doesn't make it fact. From what you've said, he sounds like a weak, duplicitous man whose words you cannot trust an inch. You sound - again, understandably due to shock - desperate to continue to believe in your paradigm before this all came out.

The OW is a red herring. She did not make vows to you, he did. She was clearly taken in by the version of himself he presented to her, as were you.

Although your children are grown up, please consider very carefully the message you want them to take from your reaction to this fiasco. When you stay in a frankly farcical marriage through low self esteem and fear, you are telling them that their mother is not worth any more than that. Do not kid yourself that they will then be able to separate your utter lack of regard for yourself from their regard for themselves. The internal reaction in my experience for offspring of whatever age is more akin to "if even my mum doesn't believe she deserves respect, how can I ever demand it for myself?"

Please get some counselling and work hard on believing 1) you deserve better than this revolting specimen and 2) that while your rage is being directed only at the ow, who, yes, has behaved appallingly too, it is not going to its rightful owner. I suspect you don't want to face what it means for your shared history and belief in your relationship. Entirely understandable. But you need to start processing that. Whether you stay and end up caring for him in his dotage like the safe bet he clearly believes you are, or living your OWN life with self respect, this marriage has now been proven to be a sham.

You ask how he lied to her?

Well I assume, as he was moving in, then didn't, he told her he was leaving you for her.

No doubt he also told her the usual drivel cheats spout - no longer loves you, only stayed for the kids, no intimacy, miserable for years, loves her, will leave you and move in...

Why on earth are either of you so desperate to keep a turd?!

As he changed his mind AFTER seeing a solicitor, it's blatantly obvious he stayed because he doesn't want to lose half his pension, and half the assets. To the point where he "attempted suicide" to make you stay.

You're deluded if you think he's there out of love - a five YEAR affair? A person who can do that to you doesn't love you. He's stayed for the lifestyle - do you wash his "little bit incontinent" clothes? That little bit will get worse...

And stop blaming her and insulting her - the way you've described yourself doesn't make you sound "better" than her - it makes it seem understandable that he probably was desperate for someone the opposite. For some fun. "Ponderous"? 😬

Instead of doing the "pick me" dance over this turd of a man, and aiming so much vitriol at the other woman I suggest you find some dignity, and take him to the cleaners via divorce.

You aren't "winning" here, over her. You think you are, but you're stuck with a lying cheat - and she's free to move on and live well. He's not a prize, he's a shackle.

Gosh the fact that the op has criticised the OW has really got some backs up

Im damn sure I’d have something unpleasant to say about OW if one came into my marriage

It is not easy staying with a man who has betrayed you - but after 30 years invested and a family the op has decided to give it a go.

I am only surprised that she is happy to stay even though he will not open up on the whys and where’s etc

Im sure she’s reading and taking all things into account

@Quitelikeit I think PPs are just baffled why she is giving this woman any headspace, when she's got a filthy cheat living under her roof that should be the target of her anger.

Of course she will have negative things to say about this woman, but, at the end of the day, this woman made no vows to the OP, her husband did. And HE was the one who shagged this woman in HIS marital bed multiple times. She didn't break into the house and sexually assault this man... he invited her.

Her anger is misplaced and should be directly squarely at her lying cheating husband who, it appears, she will continue to stay with.

All of this, 100%