Should I take one for the team?

[JuniPermanent]

Husband wants to separate. I think I’ve known for a long time that it would probably happen at some stage as things have not been very happy for a long time. His decision, though. I was simply informed it would be happening. He is expecting that we present this as a joint decision to our 2 x DC (DD11 & DS9).

At first I was all for this to stop his relationship with kids being affected, however over time (it’s been several weeks) I feel whatever version of our story we give to the children we should also give to everyone else in case anything gets back to them. It’s now clear that I cannot go through this pretending I’m fine/it was a joint decision as I need support.

His view = we are both responsible for the relationship breaking down therefore it’s presented as a joint decision to them.

My view = it turns out he decided approx 8 years ago he would be ending our marriage and has waited until now to do it. I could have moved heaven and earth, had a personality transplant etc. but it would have been a lost cause. He is adamant nothing could have saved the relationship from his perspective. I don’t think it’s fair to me to have to take the pain of the separation and ultimate divorce, missing 50% of my kids lives, financial ruin AND then also have to pretend it was my choice as much as his.

I know our children and they will ask whose decision it was when we tell them. I don’t want to lie. I want him to take responsibility for the decision to split but I don’t want to completely ruin his relationship with his children and make him the bad guy.

What the hell do I do? Is it worth me taking one for the team here (and ruining any ounce of self worth I have left….)? Things are currently pretty amicable, so this is in jeopardy if I decide to go against the narrative he wants to present.

Agree with AutumnFroglets - you say they’ll ask questions- they will of course but kids shouldn’t have to work through what the adults are and be trying to work through all the points you and your dh are. We both love you but aren’t going to be together, it’s really sad for me too, in fact I’m so sad about it all but we’ll all get through it. Sorry you’re going through this op x

The best thing for children is not to have warring or antagonistic parents. Whether that is in marriage, separation or divorce. You are responsible for a lot of things in respect of your children. Including protecting them from complex and sometimes unfathomable situations.

It’s impossible for you to be together now in a relationship. But you can continue to be parents. You need to accept that you don’t want this relationship anymore. You think you need it, but you don’t.

Wrt kids asking questions…as other said you have to put in boundaries. You’re not, as another poster said, going to discuss the financial settlement with them, why treat this as something they can deal with in detail?

they simply don’t have emotional maturity. They have no concept of sexual and emotional intimacy of a marriage. Do not treat them as you would an adult. Do not treat them to the same intimacy as you do your spouse

look at grief pathway. They’ll be doing that. Anticipate questions based on that. Denial, bargaining, anger etc…..but fill voids with facts. Give certainty, be confident. Give them a vision of what their future life will be.

they need protection from your emotional turmoil. Not exposure to it.

https://www.relate.org.uk/telling-children-youre-separating

Thank you all. To be clear I would never dream of giving them a lot of detail - I might have made it sound like we should be completely honest about everything but that won’t be happening - they are only little. Lots of good advice to mull over so we can support the two most important people in my world. Especially like the advice of filling voids with facts - I can see that this will be key along with being calm and united for the most important conversation in all of our lives.

Don't lie because you won't remember what you told other people. But you don't have to go into detail or be spiteful about him.

There's a good book called 'Parenting Apart' which is quite helpful.

Although you don't want to lie to your children, you do have to protect them. Actions speak louder than words and over time they will make up their own minds based on what they see and hear. Just be consistent and don't do it on your own.

You can reach out to charities such as Bernardo's for sign posting to mediation if things start to go down hill.

The main thing is trying to keep some kind of open communication between the pair of you. Don't be a doormat though...

It sounds like it's non salvageable - think for yourself now and for your kids. Based on the knowledge that it's been on the cards from his perspective he's going to have all the scenarios worked out, you're fresh to it, which is going to sting.

I feel for you, it's really tough with the kids involved.

It's been just over a year for me and my 6yr old. She's happy and not really affected by the split or the new guy moving in, thankfully.

As long as you both put the kids first, you should be ok x

OMG, this could be me.

DH wanted to split. His decision. But he wanted to tell our kids it was an "amicable, joint decision" (it wasn't).

Don't let him alter the truth so he looks better.

You say that "things have not been happy for a long time" but that he is the one who wants to separate. Why do you want to stay in an unhappy relationship?

I don't think you should blame each other to the kids. That's just toxic and harmful. Just say that you have decided to separate but you still love them and will do what's best for them as much as possible.

My parents spent years blaming each other after being in a desperately unhappy marriage. That doesn't help anyone. Please put your kids first

Op has said that they have been unhappy for years and so clearly her dh has not just decided to end the marriage. Trying to put blame on him in front of the kids is just hurtful to them.

Better to be an adult op. Try to take a responsible approach and if you can keep conflict away from the kids, that's much better. There's nothing to be gained from "getting one over" on your ex in front on the kids. You are just harming your kids to spite your ex

Oh for FUCK sake.

Read what I said. Not what you imagined or would prefer to believe I said.

I LITERALLY said "Don't encourage blame, do emphasise that sometimes people's marriages end and it doesn't always make them bad people or bad parents but do NOT in any way speak for him. Encourage them to ask all questions they have of him directly to HIM as it is neither your place nor your burden to speak for him ever again."

Why do people respond to imaginary conversations they have invented in their heads instead of actually reading and quoting the person's own words? It's absolutely bizarre. I genuinely don't get it. Is it an IQ thing? Attention span? I am genuinely flummoxed, it is SO weird.

My words are correct and stand exactly as they are.

And anybody who wants to have a snidey snipe or melt down in my general direction because I dared to say that women deserve dignity her kids deserve the truth and she shouldn't be coerced into lying for her ex so he feels better about himself should stick to only discussing WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID RATHER THAN WHAT YOU IMAGINED AND INVENTED.

If he thought what he was doing was ethical he wouldn't be trying to coerce her into lying for him. If he thinks his kids will blame him when they learn the basic facts truth that's tough fucking shit for him and definitely in no way her burden.

But NOWHERE DID I SAY SHE sHOULD ENCOURAGE THEM TO BLAME HIM I SAID THE ACTUAL OPPOSITE. AND NOWHERE DID I SUGGEST SHE SHOULD SPEAK ILL OF HIM. I SAID THE ACTUAL OPPOSITE.

Read. The. Words. Respond. To. The. Words. Don't. Make. Shit. Up. And Tag. Me. In. It. It's. Just. Not. That. Difficult.

I thought unwatching the thread would remove me from the loop. So once again, I'll piss off and try not to click on any of the notifications again. JFC.

Do NOT do this. I did. To my eternal regret . He was manipulating everyone including my kids behind my back.

Don't stoop to slagging him off.
A simple "your father has made a choice & as such we must move on" will suffice.

Not wanting to sound unsympathetic to what you must be feeling right now OP but be aware that at some point in the future you will (hopefully) be able to put more perspective on your feelings towards your husband in the fact that essentially he hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’ in wanting to end the marriage. It’s very hurtful for you but be careful not to spill that into how the kids see this situation. You don’t have to say the words ‘we both want to end the marriage’ but you can definitely come up with some less one sided words than your dad is leaving me. He’s not leaving the kids, keep your feelings about your relationship with him separate. I don’t see any reason why you can’t confide in your adult friends and family about your feelings in full, why on earth would they go and say anything to your kids about it? Maybe mention what you have told the kids and ask them to be mindful of it, if they can’t be trusted then I wouldn’t be speaking to them about any of my business tbh. Maybe get some therapy to work through your grief so you can manage this separate to your kids. There might be some subconscious drive to get them to take sides as punishment to their dad for hurting your feelings, I don’t think being a grown up / parent and staying neutral in front of the kids is taking one for the team, I think it’s your responsibility, especially while you untangle your feelings of hurt right now.

You may think your 6yo is unaffected, the evidence would very much suggest otherwise.

I was in an unhappy relationship for years and I made the decision to separate, similar aged kids. My ex would never have left and would have lived unhappily forever.

My ex was keen to make sure everyone knew it was my decision. I'd have preferred he acknowledged that ending the unhappy relationship was a better outcome for him, but he preferred to be the victim and ensure everyone knew I was the bad guy.
He wouldn't accept it and took the kids away separately to tell them "his side of the story ", they were 8 and 10.
That made him feel better.
Whatever you do, put your children at the centre of it.

I’m sorry you feel in this predicament, but when I read the first line it does seem like it is basically that you both recognize the relationship had broken down and only he was prepared to end it. Why do you want to be in a low quality relationship?

I was in your husband’s position, and it still perplexes me that he could tell me how dissatisfied he was, and still be upset that I ended it.
In any case, it made no difference to the kids at all. He did start to rubbish me to them, but they very clearly told him not to, his need to blame me blew up in his face.

you aren’t taking one for the team, you’re choosing not to wash your dirty laundry in front of your children.

has he explained why, if he had decided eight years ago, he has left it until now?
what has prompted him to make the decision now?
how has your relationship/family life been for the past eight years?

Because it's the Script. He's changing the past to make himself look better. Google it. There's someone in the wings now.

You say yourself in your first sentences that you knew the marriage would end at some point. Sounds as though you STBXH is the one who finally found the guts to do it. Have you allowed it to drag on until he felt forced to do it so you're not made out to be the bad guy?

I do know they will hound us relentlessly for details
They're young children. Be a parent and tell them that the finer details are for adults only. Would you tell them all about your finances if they "hounded you"? No, most likely not. Give them the age appropriate facts as gently as possible, but don't try to make your husband the bad guy for wanting to end something that wasn't working for either of you.

I’m in your husband’s position as the one ending things and I would never expect my husband to pretend it was a joint decision. What I do expect him to say to anyone who asks is that I wanted to end the marriage, that any relationship needs two people to make it work and that he respects that I don’t want this anymore.

Unfortunately he is currently telling people I’m having some sort of mental health crisis and is convinced I’ve got ‘deeper troubles’.

My kids are 16 and 18. They know it has come from me, but I do regularly tell my daughter in particular that it is not her business to know the details. I’ve told them both that until they have had a long term adult relationship they can’t understand but that this is my life and I have the right to do or not do what I want.

I have explained I am ending the marriage and not our family. Unfortunately my husband can’t separate the two and only seems to believe a family exists as a marital unit.

It is absolutely fine to tell your kids that you didn’t want this but give them a lesson in respecting others’ feelings and actions. Your husband has the right to end the relationship and you don’t need to agree. My husband has always had a very black and white take on life, but I’m trying to show my kids that there is a lot of grey out there and that not everything has a right and wrong way to be done.

OP, DO NOT lie because your DH wants you to. He is not your friend now, and what advantage is there for you? Only a loss of integrity and sadness/ confusion as you won't be able to have straight-forward future conversations about this with your DCs.
I speak as someone who has initiated a split with DP several weeks ago now. This follows on from long term problems which have left us both unhappy. However, there is no way on earth I would have asked my now EX DP to cover up to DC that I initiated the break up. I was completely happy to own my decision to my DC. I don't agree with other posters who are saying you are rubbishing your DH if you tell your DC the truth. It's completely possible to tell DC there have been difficulties between you and DH that have left you both sad, and that daddy has decided its best to separate. No toxicity or blame needs to be brought into the conversation with DC whatsoever. This maintains your integrity and transparency with your DC. They will also maybe have greater understanding if they see you sad while you are going through the whole separation process.
It's really off and controlling of your DH to emotionally blackmail you and ask you to lie and cover up for him for the sake of the DC.

So tell him you don’t want to divorce and if he insists he can’t possibly expect you to lie about who’s leaving the marriage.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a person deciding they no longer want to be in an unhappy relationship or marriage. Conveying this message in an age appropriate way to children, without playing the blame game is surely possible. After all, no one would want their children growing up thinking that staying in an unhappy marriage is what you should do.

There is no team, he wants to break up the team.

@trailblazer42 this was a really helpful post for me to read. I am trying to end my marriage after many years of being fairly unhappy and trying to make it work for everyone. My husband absolutely doesn't want to. My 12 and 15 year old children know that this is my decision and it is really difficult as they see this as something that is being 'done' to their daddy and have become really protective of him.

I have told my 15 year old some things but there are details I will never reveal. It is very tricky.

For the OP. I knew deep down inside that I would have to end our marriage for a long time. I just couldn't see how to and didn't think I was strong enough. I really really tried to keep going and make things work from the inside but realised that the cost to me personally was just about killing me, literally. It is very very difficult to make the decision to seperate. It is a very lonely place to be. My husband is not a terrible person but I simply can't go on living a lie with him any more, though I really tried.