Should I take one for the team?

[JuniPermanent]

Husband wants to separate. I think I’ve known for a long time that it would probably happen at some stage as things have not been very happy for a long time. His decision, though. I was simply informed it would be happening. He is expecting that we present this as a joint decision to our 2 x DC (DD11 & DS9).

At first I was all for this to stop his relationship with kids being affected, however over time (it’s been several weeks) I feel whatever version of our story we give to the children we should also give to everyone else in case anything gets back to them. It’s now clear that I cannot go through this pretending I’m fine/it was a joint decision as I need support.

His view = we are both responsible for the relationship breaking down therefore it’s presented as a joint decision to them.

My view = it turns out he decided approx 8 years ago he would be ending our marriage and has waited until now to do it. I could have moved heaven and earth, had a personality transplant etc. but it would have been a lost cause. He is adamant nothing could have saved the relationship from his perspective. I don’t think it’s fair to me to have to take the pain of the separation and ultimate divorce, missing 50% of my kids lives, financial ruin AND then also have to pretend it was my choice as much as his.

I know our children and they will ask whose decision it was when we tell them. I don’t want to lie. I want him to take responsibility for the decision to split but I don’t want to completely ruin his relationship with his children and make him the bad guy.

What the hell do I do? Is it worth me taking one for the team here (and ruining any ounce of self worth I have left….)? Things are currently pretty amicable, so this is in jeopardy if I decide to go against the narrative he wants to present.

regardless of who made the decision it won’t effect the outcome. So why would you want to make your dcs aware of who it was other than to tarnish their view of their father.

take one for the team as you put it

OP has explained she wants to tell everyone the same thing - people will react differently to her if it sounds like she is happy about/ok with the decision to divorce. I think personally I'd tell adults close to me the whole story and something a bit more neutral to the dc.

Yea I wouldn’t have him dictate to me what I can say to my friends and family but I would keep it mutual for the kids depending on their ages

I certainly wouldn’t tell them that your DH has decided 8 years ago to end the relationship but nothing wrong in telling them that he wants to end it now.

I am sure that the truth will come out at some point in their lives and then they will resent both of you for not being honest now.

I think you are fully entitled to be honest, but keep it simple and factual. You cannot be expected to go through the pain of an unwanted separation, pretending it was your decision. You husband is entitled to end your marriage but he has to step up and own that decision. You don't need to labour the point to your DC but you absolutely can say say he has decided that he no longer loves you and is ending the marriage, but add that you encourage and support their ongoing relationship with them.

I'm sorry you are going through this

No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Do NOT do this! You're not taking one for any team, your ex is controlling you and making things nicer for himself, you're taking one last punch, metaphorically, for him.

DO NOT DO THIS I CANNOT EMPHASISE THIS ENOUGH.

It is NOT your duty to subjugate yourself and your own wants and rights utterly so your ex feels better about yourself. You are NOT helping your children NOT AT ALL. Why would they feel better that both their parents want to dissolve their safety and parental unit? That's just nuts.

This happens regularly when men leave, walk out or otherwise cause a marriage to split, the woman is to have no feelings of any kind and tolerate anything and everything for the comfort of her kids. NO NO NO NO NO. You are also a human being and this is an absolutely basic human right, to tell the truth about what has been done toyou.

Just tell them the simple truth. It is FINE for them to know their dad has chosen to walk away, and in fact a better thing, because by protecting them from this knowledge you are setting them up for more and more disappointment and sadness as he will only get more and more self centred now that he doesn't have to live with their feelings.

He is NOT YOUR FRIEND. He is doing this for himself. He is not doing this for the kids. This is all about him.

If you agree to this shittery you will have to lie about it for many years. How fucking horrible for you, to have to take the blame for something you didn't do, tell twisted versions of the truth to various people and at some point in the future, who knows when or where, you will then have to tell your kids you lied to them.

To protect their father from what? The truth? It's protecting the kids from absolutely nothing. You are NOT a united front. He's fucking off, that's the definition of not being a united front.

You are NOT the one dissolving the marriage, just tell them that. Don't give reasons or excuses, just say your dad has decided to leave, I am really sorry, you will have to ask him why yourself as I can't answer for him.

You are not his punchbag, not his wife anymore do NOT RUN INTERFERENCE FOR HIS SELFISH DECISIONS EVER AGAIN.

And what is more he will be happy to lie to them anyway and make sure they think less of you, the monstering of you will begin soon if it hasn't already. Just tell every single person you know the same thing, calmly and without calling him names. Just tell them the simple truth. He's chosen to leave the marriage. You didn't want it. You are sad about it, but coping.

It is absolutely disgusting that he's fucking up the family unit AND wants you to be his prop and doormat while he does it, and very very standard for these sort of men.

Do not do it. The truth is ALWAYS better than a lie and the truth doesn't need to be every bit of information. Your father is leaving, he no longer wishes to be married. You will have to ask your dad about his reasons, because I can't speak for him.

Oh and things are NOT amicable. What you are saying is he won't kick off too badly if you go along with his lie and make him feel better. That makes him a first class cunt. Trust me, the veneer of amicable won't last no matter what you do to try to appease him.

Oh, and if telling the simple truth ruins his relationship with his kids and makes him the bad guy that's because HE HAS CHOSEN THAT ROUTE. Tell the truth. How fucking dare he try to coerce you into this. What an absolute and total arsehole thing to demand.

Try to get him out of your life as much as possible as fast as possible, just rip the band aid off. And never lie for him again. It's not your job and he has no right at all to ask. Good luck.

I know our children and they will ask whose decision it was when we tell them. I don’t want to lie. I want him to take responsibility for the decision to split but I don’t want to completely ruin his relationship with his children and make him the bad guy.

I had a whole paragraph written out before I deleted it as honestly your best answer is to say that certain things are between their father and you and nobody else needs to know as it won't change the outcome. Keep some things private.

I don't see why you can't tell kids something different to your friends and family. I'd trust my friends and family to not share inappropriate details with the kids. My XH is abusive, I'm certainly not going to tell the kids we split because XH made me feel terrified and worthless and I couldn't take it anymore. If a friend said it was her XH who wanted to seperate I certainly wouldn't bring that up with her kids, why would I? It feels to me like this is more about wanting them to know this is on him and while I understand that need what you tell the kids needs to be about what's best for them. Maybe you can find a middle ground between telling them the truth and toeing the party line.

Age appropriate truths all the way. You'd have to live that lie for many years and then your DC may be hurt that you lied to them. It was not a joint decision it was his and he wants to avoid the awkwardness of it being his decision.

What's more, I would tell them straight away, as quickly as possible before he can drip any more poison in their ears (he will have been monstering you behind your back I can almost guarantee it). Let him know you are telling the kids today/tomorrow and you'd like him to be there to answer their questions. Do you have a family member who could come and sit with you for support? As this will be incredibly painful and hard on you and your kids. You need someone you can vent to, a safe adult who will not try to defend him but just let you feel your feelings, if someone doesn't exist find a counsellor to listen to you while you process this grief and sorrow.

I'd actually keep a recording of that meeting with the kids too, because he will lie to everyone about what you did and said to try to make himself look better and it could come in handy in months or years to come.

You must now realise something very bitter - he's not on your side. He's not your friend. He will lie to you and about you. And you must now act accordingly.

And if you haven't already got legal advice, do it very quickly.

I think you should try to not blame it on your DH when you tell the kids. But they will work it out. They will see you and their dad grieve differently. And you can absolutely tell the people closest to you, if it gets back to the kids, then too bad for h. But the kids need to hear it very gently when first told. And feel safe and supported.

He has had 8 years to come to terms with his decision and his feelings on this. The least he can do is take ownership of that. I say that as someone whose marriage went to the brink, we separated against my wishes, husband wanted me to go along with it and say it was mutual. I refused and said if he wanted out, he had to 100% own that decision and the consequences. He couldn't do it and we agreed to start again from a position of maturity. I can't say it would work for everyone, but our marriage is so much stronger now, because we are intentional about it every day.

My children knew it was their father's decision to end our marriage and that it was because he had met another woman who he planned to move in with.

It doesn't appear to have affected their relationship, although the OW didn't last, so that probably helped.

Tell your children the truth. You don't have to go into details, but don't lie to them. If he wants to break up the family, he can at least be man enough to tell the truth about it.

She can't lie to them, that will make them feel very unsafe. It will confuse them utterly why do both parents want to dissolve our home, and force them to believe that both their parents are focused only on themselves. And eventually they will realise she lied to them and that will make things even worse.

By telling the simple truth - your father wants to end the marriage, you will have to ask him for the reasons as I can't speak for him, but I will always be here for you and you have a safe home with me and you will be able to see him as much as he wants (she mentions 50 50 so obviously is not going to try to keep them away from him) she is doing it gently.

Pretending he is not choosing this is setting the kids up for far worse disappointment and grief. Lying in this case is helping nobody at all, except her ex.

She only needs to tell the simple truth. it is NOT her job to run interference for the man who is leaving her. And she has a right to have feelings too, she's not some emotionless toy he can discard and expect to feel nothing.

It is incredibly abusive of him to demand that she lie for him while he sails out the door. Horrifying, cruel and utterly selfish. And it will help absolutely nobody except help him to maintain a facade which won't last anyway.

Telling the simple truth and letting him answer questions they have is her right, his duty and the safest and most correct thing to do.

Always do the right thing and be honest, lies always have a way of coming out - how will your children respect/know they can rely on you for the truth in the future if you lie just now. Also in terms of support you owe it to yourself to be honest. Stop letting him bully you

Be honest. Tell the kids in an age appropriate way. What ages are they?

You are right that you will need other adults support. Do what's right for you and your children.

I'm guessing he has someone else lined up to be like this.

Hope you're OK OP.

Do NOT tell the kids anything other than it’s a joint decision. My own marriage ended 3 years ago, after 30 years and kids in mid/late twenties and even though exh was abusive at times, I was not stupid enough to discuss this with them. And never will unless much later down the line they ask. Your kids are you and your stbex children, they can’t absorb the contradiction in their feelings that you would cause them. Do not burden them with that. One, it won’t make nay difference to you, two it will be something they have to deal with for the rest of their Lives in terms of conflicting loyalties, and three there’s a bloody good chance they’ll eventually twig how bloody selfish you were for telling them this and burdening them with it. At such a young age too.
grow a backbone and take accountabitly. You tell them what you will tell the courts . The marriage has broken down irreparably. There is no such thing as “fault” divorce now.

think about that for a second. why did the law change to remove the ability in ANY case for a party to place the blame for divorce on the other party? Becuase it is a nonsense. You are both in the marriage. You both contribute to that relationship. You are both, in almost all cases, resposbivle,for how that relationship works or doesn’t. You are both accountable for staying in the marriage or leaving. Sure, that’s bloody hard to take if one partner is abusive, but there are other courses through courts now to tackle abusive behaviour head on. Rape is now recognised in marriage (wasn’t until some years into mine ) as are all sorts of domestic assault definitions. Whilst right now you may not agree, the courts did the right thing to recognise that the breakdown of marriage can only very rarely be blamed on a single party.

yes, you are entitled to support and talking about what is really going on. In fact that is vital and sensible. Most adults will understand you saying that what you discuss is highly confidential and must not be spoken about to anyone else as you want to keep the reasons from the children for reasons cited above. Anyone you think would break that confidentially should not be used as your sounding board. alsp think about professional counselling if needed . I’d also recommend you make yourself familiar with the “grief pathway” if not already. No matter if the decision was expected or not, wanted or not, the breakdown of your marriage does produce feelings akin to grief, if not actual grief, and understanding how this can impact your emotions is useful . Go easy on yourself. Head to ADVICE NOW links on divorce board header and read up as much as possible on process and legal details, ideally before you head to solicitors.

control what you can. Try to be amicable until the process is complete. Park the anger until then and then you can let it loose all guns blazing once all the
Legal jobs are done and divorce is compete.

but for gods sake, keep the kids out of your emotions. Maintain a fair and amicable front . Never bad mouth him to them even when they’re older. It’ll back fire spectacularly. Don’t tell them anything until you KNOW what their future will be, e.g. where they’ll live, how much time with each parent, schooling changes. Etc etc. don’t let them fill in blanks with fear (the unknown) .wait till you can calmly explain how it will all work and where they’ll be and when. Maybe you won’t be able to answer all questions at once, but reassure them that you ARE in control, calm and working togther for their happiness and minimal disruption on their lives.

Actually, before you tell them the truth - as you absolutely must to be kind to them, fair to them and kind and fair to yourself - do make sure you have taken legal advice and done anything you can to protect yourself legally.

You already suspect that he will create even more misery for you if you tell the simple truth and don't allow him to blame his decision on you, and you are undoubtedly right.

It’s not lying to not tell the kids your husband has asked for this and driven it. . You tell the kids exactly what you now need to tell the courts. Since 2022. The simple truth…the marriage has broken down irreparably. And that it is no one”fault”. That is the law now. No pathway to “fault “ based divorce. The courts know, as the law does, it is simply never the case that one party is 100% carrying all the blame. That’s it. Uncomfortable though that is as a principle to may people

it is not a lie to say to kids what the courts now record and require you to say. You say this. No more. No less . The marriage has sadly broken down irreparably. In kids speak “we can no longer live togther and need to seperate”. “This is what’s going to happen……”. That’s it. It requires no other details at all

you do not need to , as a responsible parent, to tell yours and your stbex children the shit that has happened in your own relationship and elicit all the resulting emotions in your kids. What sort of selfish parent does that fgs…a lot of you apparently. Yep, kids may start to formulate their own views, but they’ve got a lot of their own emotional processing do to even begin to develop an emotional maturity to look at their parents relationship with enough security and surety to do that. They’ll be bloody grieving in the first place.

if the courts know that no fault is best way to proceeed to come out of process relatively well for adults, Why the hell does anyone on hear think kids need to be told one parent is to blame and that’ll somehow be better for them?

I completely disagree with daisy on all aspects.

that’s not to say you have to make out their dad is perfect but can keep it simple like, while we both still love each other we don’t in the way that we should and though we’ve tried, dad feels it better to separate and while im
sad about that I support the decision.

then tell them
done facts such as where he’ll live, when they’ll see him, that he’ll still be their dad etc

Thank you everyone who has replied. I will read again in the morning. Kids are absolutely my (and our!) priority here and what’s best for them both long and short term - absolutely don’t want to burden them but also I do know they will hound us relentlessly for details so need to have good, child friendly replies ready that we can both use to keep things consistent for them.. other priorities are a good co-parenting relationship and my mental health. Lots to balance.

I’ve not been through anything like this before and I’m a overthinker so thanks again for all the replies. It is much appreciated.

It's so digusting the way women are expected to be punched in the face (metaphorically) and then come up smiling through broken teeth.

Get yourself legal advice fast. And then tell your kids simply and factually "Your father wants to end our marriage. You will have to ask him the reasons as I can't speak for him. I am so sorry my darlings, but I will always be here for you and you will always have a safe home with me. You can see your dad as much as he wants to" and stick with that line.

Don't encourage blame, do emphasise that sometimes people's marriages end and it doesn't always make them bad people or bad parents but do NOT in any way speak for him. Encourage them to ask all questions they have of him directly to HIM as it is neither your place nor your burden to speak for him ever again.

If he cannot manage to have conversations with them about what he has chosen to do he is a terrible parent anyway.

Tell the truth. It is right, proper, safe and fair to everyone and offers you a degree of protection and sympathy as you ARE the injured party.

You are not his doormat and are entitled to the basic human dignity of the truth. Do not let him rob you of your dignity one last time under the pretence it is helping your kids. It's not, it will confuse and upset them even further.

I am finding the women who are pretending that turning yourself into a scapegoat and doormat and lying to your kids is in any way helpful, useful or necessary extremely distressing and very triggering.

So I will leave it here and read no more.

This is a horrible situation your ex has put you in. Do not give in to his coercions, demands and self interest.

And don't let anybody conflate telling the simple truth with you going off on one. The simple truth does not require you name calling or having a melt down, as outlined. And it will harm both you and your kids to pander to your ex in this way.

It is deeply unethical and absolutely horrifying that anybody would advise you to take a final punch and smile through broken teeth, so your ex can feel better about something he has chosen for himself.

Get yourself some good emotional support, and good luck OP.

but also I do know they will hound us relentlessly for details

They are children and children shouldn't be told every single detail of anybody's life as that is not a healthy way to live. Divorce, marriage, ill health, dying, all require some form of privacy/secrets even from other adults. This is one of the times you tell them it is not their business and shut the conversation down. You both love them, you both will do your best by them but any reasons are between you and their father, same as you would regarding any details of the financial settlement.