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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Not in love with my husband anymore

51 replies

Tiffany5334 · 21/12/2024 22:56

This is a very sensitive subject but I'm not in love with my husband. I love him and care for him like I would do my brother or dear friend but I don't want him to touch me or kiss me - it feels awful.

We broke up for 3 years and we are now back together as I wanted it for our children but Im back with the ick and it's an awful feeling.

I don't know what to do.

I was worried I didn't fancy anyone anymore but I went to my male friends house this evening to drop off a Xmas present and we ended up kissing and having sex.

Please no judgement I feel really bad right now

Help!

OP posts:
thecrispfiend · 22/12/2024 15:01

I think it's time to move on OP. You've tried your best to make it work but this is the sign it won't. Personally I wouldn't tell him him about the friend I would spare his feelings but take it as a sign it's time to go your separate ways and keep things as amicable as you can, sounds like you are both good parents x

Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:02

Kosenrufugirl · 22/12/2024 14:58

If you don't like reading perhaps seeing a sex therapist either together or on your own might be a good idea.

Can I ask why a sex therapist? It may help of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:04

Someone else asked our children are 24 22 21 17 15 10 and 8

OP posts:
Theartof · 22/12/2024 15:11

Op, I understand all that you have written. I also understand you wanting to try again for the sake of your children (and you have a number of them with a large age gap - a big investment here of time and energy and perhaps needing that other parent to co-parent to release you and make life easier particularly if you don't have much support in real life). I think it is also very difficult to make that call if things are just okay rather than really bad. And carrying the shame and blaming yourself because you can't feel what you think you ought to feel. I can relate to all of this.

You are not in an easy place. You've tried to make things work. It probably is time to move on. No judgement from me.

Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:14

Theartof · 22/12/2024 15:11

Op, I understand all that you have written. I also understand you wanting to try again for the sake of your children (and you have a number of them with a large age gap - a big investment here of time and energy and perhaps needing that other parent to co-parent to release you and make life easier particularly if you don't have much support in real life). I think it is also very difficult to make that call if things are just okay rather than really bad. And carrying the shame and blaming yourself because you can't feel what you think you ought to feel. I can relate to all of this.

You are not in an easy place. You've tried to make things work. It probably is time to move on. No judgement from me.

I am crying thank you for understanding. This man has given me all of our beautiful children and we have devoted our lives to them - both working and studying to provide them with a great life. I feel so much shame from my side. Why don't I love him like that? Why can't I make him happy?

I feel horrendously guilty. We lost ourselves certainly having a large family you devote your life to them and have limited time as a couple.

Thank you

OP posts:
Theartof · 22/12/2024 15:19

The guilt feels crippling. It's something I have to work through too. It's awful just awful. No other advice really, just to say you are not alone.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 22/12/2024 15:22

Your mistake was to agree to give it another go wo having had couple counselling at least to solve the issues (and check it was actually worth it)
Both for you and your dh and for the dcs imo.

The best thing you can do now is to fully acknowledge it’s not working between you and to get properly divorced.

Thats it. Stop dreaming about the perfect family picture.
Stop thinking it’s better for the dcs to have mum and dad at home when mum or dad is also having an affair on the side. Because it’s not.
Or that the dcs deserve X or Y. The first they need they need is happy parents and it’s not going to happen in this set up.

Kosenrufugirl · 22/12/2024 15:26

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 22/12/2024 15:22

Your mistake was to agree to give it another go wo having had couple counselling at least to solve the issues (and check it was actually worth it)
Both for you and your dh and for the dcs imo.

The best thing you can do now is to fully acknowledge it’s not working between you and to get properly divorced.

Thats it. Stop dreaming about the perfect family picture.
Stop thinking it’s better for the dcs to have mum and dad at home when mum or dad is also having an affair on the side. Because it’s not.
Or that the dcs deserve X or Y. The first they need they need is happy parents and it’s not going to happen in this set up.

Life doesn't always go in a straight line. Some women decide to stay put and fight for their marriage. Often for the sake of the children, this is as good a reason as any. However for some reason divorce is a standard solution on Mumsnet

Pamspeople · 22/12/2024 15:27

I'm so sorry you're feeling ashamed for not being in love with your husband, OP - it's nothing to feel shame about, it just happens that relationships change. And as for other people wanting you to stay together, it's really noone else's decision! You have a life to live, you've tried your best to resume your marriage but it's making you miserable. Your kids need happy, fulfilled parents, not a mum basically living a lie and slowly dying inside. There's no shame in amicably ending your marriage.

Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:27

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 22/12/2024 15:22

Your mistake was to agree to give it another go wo having had couple counselling at least to solve the issues (and check it was actually worth it)
Both for you and your dh and for the dcs imo.

The best thing you can do now is to fully acknowledge it’s not working between you and to get properly divorced.

Thats it. Stop dreaming about the perfect family picture.
Stop thinking it’s better for the dcs to have mum and dad at home when mum or dad is also having an affair on the side. Because it’s not.
Or that the dcs deserve X or Y. The first they need they need is happy parents and it’s not going to happen in this set up.

I had counselling by myself and I set up marriage counseling for us but on the first session my husband did not show up. He didn't come to any of the sessions so we cancelled it.

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 22/12/2024 15:28

Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:02

Can I ask why a sex therapist? It may help of course.

Show quote history

There was an article written by a sex therapist in the Guardian in the last week or two. I thought the woman was talking a lot of sense

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 22/12/2024 15:28

Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:14

I am crying thank you for understanding. This man has given me all of our beautiful children and we have devoted our lives to them - both working and studying to provide them with a great life. I feel so much shame from my side. Why don't I love him like that? Why can't I make him happy?

I feel horrendously guilty. We lost ourselves certainly having a large family you devote your life to them and have limited time as a couple.

Thank you

Show quote history

You can’t love him like that because you’re not attracted to him anymore.

And the reasons why it is like this are extremely varied but could include

  • you changing in a different way than him over time
  • some of your dh traits not being that nice (see real split of housework, parenting etc…)
  • ressentment - from so many possible angles but one you mentioned is not feeling seen in your marriage. A HUGE issue for any marriage.
  • communication issues and emotional maturity
etc etc…

There is no way you can make yourself love someone. There is no ‘it should be like this after that many years and that many children’.
Rather love carries on after that many years if it has been watered and looked after. And ‘being a great dad’ isn’t nearly enough to keep love alive. Esp not when your partner feels unnoticed and not seen.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 22/12/2024 15:29

Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:27

I had counselling by myself and I set up marriage counseling for us but on the first session my husband did not show up. He didn't come to any of the sessions so we cancelled it.

Show quote history

Well that tells you all you need to know about how keen your dh is to make some effort to make things work.

VeryStressedMum · 22/12/2024 15:44

He didn't show up to counselling and you went ahead and got back together with him? This should have been non negotiable. Did you ask why?

Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 22/12/2024 15:59

VeryStressedMum · 22/12/2024 15:44

He didn't show up to counselling and you went ahead and got back together with him? This should have been non negotiable. Did you ask why?

He said he wasn't comfortable talking about his feelings with someone he didn't know.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 22/12/2024 16:35

When was the counselling meant to happen was it before you got back together?
I don't think it's ever a good idea to get back with someone without counselling, especially after such a long time.

MsGoodenough · 23/12/2024 21:10

Empathy from me op. I too got back with my lovely DP who I'm not in love with and regret it. Obviously you shouldn't have slept with someone else but you know that. It's so hard to split up with someone who is lovely and you get on well with.

Theartof · 26/12/2024 11:09

How are you doing op? Any clearer on your way forward?

YourChirpyFatball · 26/12/2024 16:04

I hope you're ok too OP and not driving yourself mad thinking. I sincerely wish you all the best, having been in your situation at one time.

Theartof · 26/12/2024 18:47

Yourchirpyfatball I am assuming you left your relationship? How long did it take you? Are you able to share a bit more about your experience please? I have also posted on here as being in similar circumstances to op.

Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 26/12/2024 19:42

Theartof · 26/12/2024 11:09

How are you doing op? Any clearer on your way forward?

I appreciate you thinking about me . Thank you. I feel no further forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 26/12/2024 19:51

YourChirpyFatball · 26/12/2024 16:04

I hope you're ok too OP and not driving yourself mad thinking. I sincerely wish you all the best, having been in your situation at one time.

Thanks so much. You're right, it's so hard to know what to do. I get on well with my husband. He has done nothing wrong. I just don't feel attracted to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiffany5334 · 26/12/2024 19:53

Thanks everyone for your advice. We have had a lovely Christmas and I need to decide what to do. I went to chat to my male friend today because I think I've fallen for him. I need to work out how and when to end the relationship with my husband .

OP posts:
Fishergirl · 30/12/2024 17:03

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm not attracted to my DH at all anymore and most definitely do not love him. There have been many issues over the years that have resulted in my feelings being chipped away. I have had feelings for other men and told him in September that I want to divorce. I deserve better and so does he. It's been bitter at times and I feel like an absolute bitch but it's for the best. I know that we can't carry on like this. Do you think you can?

struggling1983 · 30/12/2024 17:21

Watching, as I am in a similar position