Not in love with my husband anymore

[Tiffany5334]

This is a very sensitive subject but I'm not in love with my husband. I love him and care for him like I would do my brother or dear friend but I don't want him to touch me or kiss me - it feels awful.

We broke up for 3 years and we are now back together as I wanted it for our children but Im back with the ick and it's an awful feeling.

I don't know what to do.

I was worried I didn't fancy anyone anymore but I went to my male friends house this evening to drop off a Xmas present and we ended up kissing and having sex.

Please no judgement I feel really bad right now

Help!

Tell your poor husband the truth and divorce. Clearly it is not going to work.

You don't just "end up having sex" with someone. You chose this.

Do the right thing now and be honest with your husband about the situation so you can both move on.

Ha ha. Were you the present for this male friend OP? You really need to take responsibility for this. Best to just end it and let your husband move on with his life.

So you broke up which would have really affected your kids, then got back together because of the impact on your kids and now not only do you want to break up again because you don't want sex with him but you shagged someone else too.

You need to grow up and start actually putting the kids first, your husband also deserves much better than you messing him around. Tell him the truth and get divorced. Your poor kids and husband caught up in your mess of a life.

No judgement from me. It's awful being with someone you can't bear to touch you. I also don't blame you for what happened. You're human and we all make mistakes. Use these next few days/weeks to give your husband a chance to talk this through and make a decision to part.

Tell your husband. Consider an open marriage or seperating.

Did you dress up for your friend? You didn't just slip naked on him by accident?

What ages are the kids? Can you afford to seperate?

Wow that took a turn. Well you'll have to end it won't you? It's no way to live

3 years is long time to be apart then get back together.

When you say you got back together "for the children" do you mean because of how their dad enriches their lives or because you're financially more comfortable?

Did either of you have other relationships in the 3 year break?

End your marriage. Your husband deserves better than this.

This isn’t going to work. It’s also unfair on your husband. End it once and for all.

I appreciate it is very unfair on my husband. It doesn't make me a bad person that I am not in love with him.

Financially I am the breadwinner, so of course it's not a financial thing. It's because I want the children to have both of us around. He is a fantastic dad and I am a fantastic mum.

Thank you to those who answered without judgement.

To answer - during the 3 year break we were always friends and it was done incredibly amicably. I had a relationship, my husband did not.

Nobody said no longer being in love with him makes you a bad person. However, cheating on him rather than having the courage to end the relationship decently is awful. This was a choice you made and you need to take responsibility and tell him the truth, divorce and try to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship with him.

You can be a fantastic mother and father without having a pretend marriage based on lies and deceit. The thing that damages children is animosity between the parents, whether upon separation or within a dysfunctional marriage.

I don't think anybody is being judgemental, rather just honest that it's clear this isn't going to work out and you need to accept that, and that he also deserves to know the truth.

Just tell him, it ll probably be a relief to him.

I understand I have messed up by sleeping with my male friend. I just feel invisible in my marriage and all the problems we had years ago are still there.

My husband loves me so this will upset him not be a relief for him.

I accept I have done wrong and I don't feel good I feel really guilty. My husband is aware that I am struggling with intimacy with him.

Just tell him OP and put you both out of your misery.

I understand that you had good intentions trying to rekindle things with him but surely you can see that having had sex with someone else and feeling revulsion when he touches you means it's over?

It will go much better if you don't try to make excuses for what you did and own the responsibility, accept that he will of course be very angry and upset, and rightly so. It's a huge betrayal. No matter what you were feeling there were other ways to extricate yourself from the situation, as you know.

But what's done is done so you need to be honest, take responsibility, be clear that the marriage is over but you want an amicable co-parenting relationship and give him time to process what has happened then you should be able to talk through the longer-term practicalities regarding contact arrangements etc.

But you know that the least you owe him after this is honesty. Being betrayed is hard enough. If you then conceal this from him rather than owning up you'll make it much harder for you to co-operate on co-parenting in the future because that just compounds the disrespect and betrayal.

At this point it's clearly in your children's best interests to end this honestly, as well as yours and his. You are forcing him to live a lie every minute you let this go on without telling him the truth and the deceit may be much harder to forgive and move on from as separate co-parents than the actual cheating because it will destroy him ever being able to respect or trust you again if you cover this up.

Meemeows it's not easy to read that but you're right. I've messed up again. Thank you for your honesty

Not a fun Christmas for any of you, and the upheaval again must seem an overwhelming prospect. But I think in the long-term you'll want to look back on this knowing you tried to do the right thing and were honest about was has happened, and in a couple of years' time I think you'll be glad you told the truth and set both you and him free to be a good mother and father but live your own lives. It's not fair on any of you to carry on like this. In a year or so things may be much more settled once the inevitable storm has passed.

Do everyone a favour and go your separate ways x

Just tell him you don’t think it’s going to work.

I have many times

I wouldn't tell your husband. He will have enough on his plate if you decide to separate. Please don't see your male friend again until you have reached the final decision and your husband knows what your decision is. I suggest you go for counselling to help you work out what actually you want to do. If you decide to stay put and fight for your marriage I could recommend a couple of good books Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parson and Why Women Talk and Men Walk. Both available on Amazon for about a tenner each.

Why don't you know what to do, OP? What options are you weighing up?

it seems like you can stay in your marriage and be very unhappy, stay in your marriage and have an affair or end your marriage. Or negotiate an open relationship with your husband. None of them are likely to be easy but you're going to have to decide.

I don't imagine that getting back together will turn out to have been great for the kids but it's done now. Time to sort yourself out.

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel is also supposed to be a good book, it has over 9k of mostly 5 stars reviews. I haven't read it though. I found the 2 other books I recommended earlier very useful

If you don't like reading perhaps seeing a sex therapist either together or on your own might be a good idea.

Of course and it's been a lot of soul searching over the past few years of what I want and what is best for everyone else.

My family want me and my husband to be together and most of our friends.

His mother is unwell and really wants to see us together.

I want my children to have both parents there.

Me and my husband have always got on well so not much changes. It's just me that feels unfulfilled.

I enjoy reading. I am a Math teacher at secondary school and I love to read to unwind. Thanks for your comment