Il try to keep this short because hard to cram all the history in. I had 4 children including twins under 3. During this time partner (sorry ex) worked out of the home full time and I had support of a nanny. It was great and I coped fine. After lockdown he was home 24/7 and let go of the nanny. His income halved and he was hit with two very large tax bills because of poor tax planning and interest started kicking in on the credit cards. I’m not on the mortgage and we aren’t married. I went back to work and got an expensive hobby (won’t say what it it’s to protect my identity). I lost lots do weight and got breast augmentation and at the time he became increasingly drunk (that has reduced now) and abusive and was hiding the financial struggles from me. He didn’t ask for help and I didn’t offer it (very selfish on my part)
Fast forward two years of bickering we agree to a trial separation with a semi/nesting arrangement eg I am out of the home 2 days and stay near work we spend 3 days as a family in the family (his)home and then I take the kids for 2 nights on weekend to my apartment . Admittedly we weren’t romantic or physical in this time but my understanding was we were having a break from the pressure while kids were young and would reevaluate after a year.
turns out that he lied and had a new partner he has been seeing since feb (trial separation was initiated in Nov) they live together when I have the kids at my apartment and have been travelling on dirty long weekends abroad (she is a mum going through a divorce). I only found out because he was dumb and inconsiderate enough to take her out in my hometown and my best friend spotted them when I asked him he told me I’m disgusting he hates me and that I’m deluded to think he would ever have got back with me. Basically gaslighted me and deflected. He has shown no empathy for the fact he mislead me (I’ve not dated anyone in this timeframe as per the plan) and no empathy for how this may have hurt me.
He says wants to coparent amicably but I don’t trust he will stick to anything we agree. He basically wants me to be amicable and he seems to think he can be hostile. I mean we were sharing a bed until I found out. I’ve left the family home to make things work, I let him sell my car when he was broke and been faithful yet he has done nothing but abuse and invalidate me emotionally. I am thinking for my own mental health parallel parenting may be best with little contact but I love his company and I do love him still and enjoy talking to him. No one else really understands me. The kids are fine with the separation as I forced him to tell them if we are making it officially a separation. Obviously it’s in their best interests if we coparent amicably but he is taking advantage and I just give him control. The only way I see me getting over him is limited non child related contact and not being his friend but so confused what’s best for the children I am so hurt by how he has gone about everything and the lies and gaslighting etc and it probably won’t change but then we do get on and I think he is hot as hell. I want him back but I accept there’s no hope. I hate his behaviour but can forgive it I’m just worried down the line he will lie again and introduce kids without my consent and other questionable things going against parenting plans and don’t want to be nice to give him comfort to do this. He is in total control at the moment - I just don’t know if I should cut the cord and just have a clear parallel parenting and get over him or just be friends and wait for the next bombshell where he betrays me. What’s best for the kids? He is a very hands on dad btw and I can’t fault him for carrying his share on his days with the kids.
Also I am not perfect and don’t fit into the traditional sahm role and I wasn’t as supportive as i could’ve been when he was going through financial issues during the pandemic . ( I had 4 young kids to “homeschool”‘during Covid and also was recovering from battering my body from back to back pregnancies)
I can be amicable and civil but we are so meshed lines are blurred and he doesn’t reciprocates I can’t afford to rent without him and as childcare is 50/50’ not entitled to maintenance and he owns the family home (we are not married). I need him financially to get my affairs in place in order to move on. All a mess and thankfully the kids not suffering too much but worried for the future. Mentally I am not OK. This lie and new partner thing is concerning because he clearly resents me and that’s scary I don’t know what his plans are