Trial Separation was a facade

[MumOf4andTwins]

Il try to keep this short because hard to cram all the history in. I had 4 children including twins under 3. During this time partner (sorry ex) worked out of the home full time and I had support of a nanny. It was great and I coped fine. After lockdown he was home 24/7 and let go of the nanny. His income halved and he was hit with two very large tax bills because of poor tax planning and interest started kicking in on the credit cards. I’m not on the mortgage and we aren’t married. I went back to work and got an expensive hobby (won’t say what it it’s to protect my identity). I lost lots do weight and got breast augmentation and at the time he became increasingly drunk (that has reduced now) and abusive and was hiding the financial struggles from me. He didn’t ask for help and I didn’t offer it (very selfish on my part)
Fast forward two years of bickering we agree to a trial separation with a semi/nesting arrangement eg I am out of the home 2 days and stay near work we spend 3 days as a family in the family (his)home and then I take the kids for 2 nights on weekend to my apartment . Admittedly we weren’t romantic or physical in this time but my understanding was we were having a break from the pressure while kids were young and would reevaluate after a year.
turns out that he lied and had a new partner he has been seeing since feb (trial separation was initiated in Nov) they live together when I have the kids at my apartment and have been travelling on dirty long weekends abroad (she is a mum going through a divorce). I only found out because he was dumb and inconsiderate enough to take her out in my hometown and my best friend spotted them when I asked him he told me I’m disgusting he hates me and that I’m deluded to think he would ever have got back with me. Basically gaslighted me and deflected. He has shown no empathy for the fact he mislead me (I’ve not dated anyone in this timeframe as per the plan) and no empathy for how this may have hurt me.

He says wants to coparent amicably but I don’t trust he will stick to anything we agree. He basically wants me to be amicable and he seems to think he can be hostile. I mean we were sharing a bed until I found out. I’ve left the family home to make things work, I let him sell my car when he was broke and been faithful yet he has done nothing but abuse and invalidate me emotionally. I am thinking for my own mental health parallel parenting may be best with little contact but I love his company and I do love him still and enjoy talking to him. No one else really understands me. The kids are fine with the separation as I forced him to tell them if we are making it officially a separation. Obviously it’s in their best interests if we coparent amicably but he is taking advantage and I just give him control. The only way I see me getting over him is limited non child related contact and not being his friend but so confused what’s best for the children I am so hurt by how he has gone about everything and the lies and gaslighting etc and it probably won’t change but then we do get on and I think he is hot as hell. I want him back but I accept there’s no hope. I hate his behaviour but can forgive it I’m just worried down the line he will lie again and introduce kids without my consent and other questionable things going against parenting plans and don’t want to be nice to give him comfort to do this. He is in total control at the moment - I just don’t know if I should cut the cord and just have a clear parallel parenting and get over him or just be friends and wait for the next bombshell where he betrays me. What’s best for the kids? He is a very hands on dad btw and I can’t fault him for carrying his share on his days with the kids.

Also I am not perfect and don’t fit into the traditional sahm role and I wasn’t as supportive as i could’ve been when he was going through financial issues during the pandemic . ( I had 4 young kids to “homeschool”‘during Covid and also was recovering from battering my body from back to back pregnancies)

I can be amicable and civil but we are so meshed lines are blurred and he doesn’t reciprocates I can’t afford to rent without him and as childcare is 50/50’ not entitled to maintenance and he owns the family home (we are not married). I need him financially to get my affairs in place in order to move on. All a mess and thankfully the kids not suffering too much but worried for the future. Mentally I am not OK. This lie and new partner thing is concerning because he clearly resents me and that’s scary I don’t know what his plans are

If you are not married and he owns the family home then you are in quite a vulnerable situation.

Do you have any savings or other money?

Do you work?

He doesn't have any commitment to you beyond child maintenance.

Given that he already has another partner in your shoes I would be making plans for how I can survive on my own.

Obviously he isn't behaving well towards you. I'm sorry for that.

Anyone reading this who has children without being married. THIS is the risk.
OP is there any chance he will help financially so you can get a place you can afford that will let you accommodate the DC? If not and he’s a good father then ask if he can have them full time? A bit drastic as a suggestion but I am sure someone in a new relationship wouldn’t want that so he’s just going to have to help.
How old are the DC? Is your work stable and paying OK?

Sorry that this has happened. It sounds as if you’re still slightly in denial- I think you need to stop thinking about whether you love him and whether you were at fault and start being really practical.

You’re not married and don’t own the family home- did you ever pay towards the mortgage or contribute in other ways (eg paying for improvements)?

What are your current financial arrangements? What are you living on? Is there any chance he would give you some financial support to help you make a clean break? You say you are working but can’t afford to rent- maybe need to start thinking of a smaller place or cheaper area or other savings you can make.

Wake up OP. being a SAHM when you're unmarried is crazy, not sure what the boob job and expensive hobby have to do with anything. Just get on with your life without him and never be that naive again

I would ignore the fact he’s met someone and whether that’s appropriate while “on a break” - it sounded shaky if not done anyhow. Forget covid and who did what - it’s over. It’s time to move on.
The financial side is the concern. I assume he’ll want 50:50 in which case you’ll share the cost of childcare. You also need a flat of sorts to house the kids but it’s 50/50 so doesn’t need to be huge. Do you have any deposit?
Please make your plans before he decides he wants you to move out.

Actually I’ve read this again.

She has an apartment and a job.

OP you’re ready to go - just do it. If the apartment is in the wrong location for the kids’ school, change to one nearby.

It’s over unfortunately and you’ve no right to his house so just make your plans.

I'm sorry this happened. You'll have to get your head around his new relationship. You can't dictate whether or not, or when, he introduces the kids to her. If you have shared debts you could be really screwed, so it would be better to try to be civil until the finances are sorted out.

You won't have any claim over his house if you're unmarried, unless you can prove you paid anything towards mortgage payments, and even that can be a battle if he doesn't want to do the right thing.

Focus on getting your life as a single mum sorted out - at least you have your own place already.

Civil co-parenting doesn't have to mean being friends with him. Cut that off in the interests of your mental health and healing from the split.

Forget about who did what and the emotional side of the situation. Your priority is to sort out your own personal finances and finding yourself somewhere permanent to live with the children. You aren't married to this man and the house is his. He has no financial obligation towards you at all. His only obligation is to provide financially towards his 4 children. You need to accept the relationship is over, as hard as it may be and move forwards. Yes, he lied and misled you, but focusing on those things isn't going to help you. You need to find employment (if you don't work at the moment), organise childcare (if needed), see if you can claim benefits to help you short-term and prioritise.

You've been separated for over a year now. He has moved on. I can completely understand that you feel he has been somewhat dishonest and you question whether you can trust him going forward. You can't. You thought it was a trial separation but he clearly didn't.

I agree with PPs, get your practical, financial head on. You are in a very vulnerable position but the the good news is that he is probably in the "play nice" stage. This is good for you as you can appeal to this to help you with your financial situation. But this stage will not last long - act quick.

Tell him that you will be moving into the apartment full time so that you can both move on properly. Tell him that you will need xyz to make this happen.

I’m not on the mortgage because he didn’t want to declare dependents (I was pregnant with the twins at the time and we already had two kids) he wanted to get maximum he could get. The agreement was the house would go to the kids and he wrote a will reflecting that. We are engaged btw but Covid got in the way of wedding planning.

i have not paid a penny towards the mortgage directly although have him around 10-20k to help him out of the whole when “we” got into debt/he mismanaged the family finances. I don’t want the house it’s in a state of disrepair and he is in denial about it needing a lick of pain. I’d be happy for my kids to live elsewhere in a proper home.

He has said (in a WhatsApp) he would pay half the rent in 18 months time once he is settled but refuses to discuss the arrangements up until then he wants to continue the current “nesting” - not sure his partner would be happy with that and as soon as she’s decided it’s too much he will probably kick me out. He is a great dad and would take them full time but he is not a better parent than me. He does bare minimum to keep them safe and fed but doesn’t take them to playground or out anywhere fun etc.

I work 4 days but my salary isn’t great and my jobs full on. I’m at rock bottom my car is unlikely to past MOT. My insurance is through the roof because we have no no claims bonus and I have had 2 fault accidents over the years.my credit is very poor. I am a wreck basically. I met him at 25 and then had kids 28 before my career was established or I had experienced life independently. I’ve never been responsible for a bill. He isn’t wealthy but earns in excess of 100k

Yes I can’t afford to live in our town but in any case I would need him on the tenancy for a new place because of my credit income etc so can’t just break free. I’m cream crackered

Oh and I think that you are right that parallel parenting with minimal contact may well be the way forward to help you move on.

You still love him and you are still attracted to him. Co parenting might be in the dc's best interest but not if it wrecks their mother. Time and space away from him is what you need to begin to heal.

OP, what did you do for 10 years of adulthood before you had children that stopped you establishing a career?

Before coming on here I'd never heard of a "trial separation". Frankly, it's the stupidest thing and I can't believe anyone actually does it.

But you need to wake up and sort yourself out.
not sure his partner would be happy with that and as soon as she’s decided it’s too much he will probably kick me out
Do not leave your kids home stability in the hands of a stranger.

With your update, I wonder if getting some independent advice from someone like the Citizen's Advice Bureau or Step change might be a good idea.

If he insists on the nesting arrangement, perhaps look at increasing the nights you have the dc at the apartment. Would that help a bit?

Harsh reality is he doesn’t need to help you pay your rent or anything other than cms based on his salary and number of nights.

thats it

look into help with childcare costs /universal credit if you’re able to claim any assistance there

you’re not engaged. You’re separated
you don’t need to be friends you simply need to be civil to do parent and put your children’s needs first

I’m not sure that I understand—he wants you to continue to co-parent/nest in the family home for half of the week? With you sleeping in his bed? And she sleeps in that same bed the other half of the week?

It’s a really tough situation, op. I’d look into what benefits you’d be entitled to as a single mum. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/benefits-introduction/what-benefits-can-i-get/

He must know he’s leaving you up shit creek and he may be willing to help you out. If it’s a promise of payment in future I would suggest you make it legally binding- see a solicitor. Better would be cash in your hand now. He can also be a guarantor for your rent.

Agree that the nesting arrangement is too precarious.

I worked in recruitment and then ran my own small business and earned decent money (recruitment) I met him and then he invested and tanked it (hired too many staff and got a swanky office because he wanted to quit his career which was too stressful for him).
I stopped working when I got pregnant (unplanned) we closed the business and he went back to work in his proper industry

She sleeps elsewhere he has been sleeping at hers

I no nothing about her - not even a name. Just that she’s divorcing and has small kids

You need to drop the expensive hobby. He is not your friend and is not acting in a friendly way to you. He is fully out for himself and clearly didn't want you on the property. He has no legal obligation to provide you support.

I do feel for you being in this situation. It's clearly something you are still processing. You need to look out for yourself now and get into the best financial position position possible. Look into any benefits you may be entitled to.

I don’t know that I would be taking him at his word on her not staying there.

His version of nesting is not how I’ve read about it. From what I understand, nesting means that the kids live in the house 100% of the time, and Dad lives in that house 50% of the time, then leaves. Only then does Mum come in for the other 50% of the week. Nesting is the kids staying in one place, and the parents being there on their own—not cohabiting together as happy families.

Yup I think you should let him have the kids for now. Pay child support and focus on your career and save up to buy a house. See the kids every other weekend like men do.

You need to wake up to reality. Stop obsessing that "he's hot". He's really not and he treats you like shit.
Wake up and start to focus on how you're going to house and feed your children.
The "he said, she said" stuff is just irrelevant. The bottom line is that you're not married, you're not on the house contract, you didn't contribute. It doesn't matter that he did this or he said that. Irrelevant.
You need to sort this mess out.

He is a great dad and would take them full time but he is not a better parent than me. He does bare minimum to keep them safe and fed but doesn’t take them to playground or out anywhere fun etc.

This is not a great dad. 'Bare minimum' is not good.

I’m not quite sure what you are asking? If you are holding out hope of getting back together , then please get this out of your head, but long term , co-parenting between parents who can be amicable and friendly is always going to best for the kids themselves. No kid wants to feel their parents animosity .You are in an incredibly vulnerable position so I’m not sure you have much to play with ….if I and an ex shared 4 kids and he is involved with another women with her own kids, this is going to be very tricky going forward so you really must try and keep amicable for the sake of your children …..but just try and keep your own boundaries without fantasising he will come back to you.