Trial Separation was a facade

[MumOf4andTwins]

Il try to keep this short because hard to cram all the history in. I had 4 children including twins under 3. During this time partner (sorry ex) worked out of the home full time and I had support of a nanny. It was great and I coped fine. After lockdown he was home 24/7 and let go of the nanny. His income halved and he was hit with two very large tax bills because of poor tax planning and interest started kicking in on the credit cards. I’m not on the mortgage and we aren’t married. I went back to work and got an expensive hobby (won’t say what it it’s to protect my identity). I lost lots do weight and got breast augmentation and at the time he became increasingly drunk (that has reduced now) and abusive and was hiding the financial struggles from me. He didn’t ask for help and I didn’t offer it (very selfish on my part)
Fast forward two years of bickering we agree to a trial separation with a semi/nesting arrangement eg I am out of the home 2 days and stay near work we spend 3 days as a family in the family (his)home and then I take the kids for 2 nights on weekend to my apartment . Admittedly we weren’t romantic or physical in this time but my understanding was we were having a break from the pressure while kids were young and would reevaluate after a year.
turns out that he lied and had a new partner he has been seeing since feb (trial separation was initiated in Nov) they live together when I have the kids at my apartment and have been travelling on dirty long weekends abroad (she is a mum going through a divorce). I only found out because he was dumb and inconsiderate enough to take her out in my hometown and my best friend spotted them when I asked him he told me I’m disgusting he hates me and that I’m deluded to think he would ever have got back with me. Basically gaslighted me and deflected. He has shown no empathy for the fact he mislead me (I’ve not dated anyone in this timeframe as per the plan) and no empathy for how this may have hurt me.

He says wants to coparent amicably but I don’t trust he will stick to anything we agree. He basically wants me to be amicable and he seems to think he can be hostile. I mean we were sharing a bed until I found out. I’ve left the family home to make things work, I let him sell my car when he was broke and been faithful yet he has done nothing but abuse and invalidate me emotionally. I am thinking for my own mental health parallel parenting may be best with little contact but I love his company and I do love him still and enjoy talking to him. No one else really understands me. The kids are fine with the separation as I forced him to tell them if we are making it officially a separation. Obviously it’s in their best interests if we coparent amicably but he is taking advantage and I just give him control. The only way I see me getting over him is limited non child related contact and not being his friend but so confused what’s best for the children I am so hurt by how he has gone about everything and the lies and gaslighting etc and it probably won’t change but then we do get on and I think he is hot as hell. I want him back but I accept there’s no hope. I hate his behaviour but can forgive it I’m just worried down the line he will lie again and introduce kids without my consent and other questionable things going against parenting plans and don’t want to be nice to give him comfort to do this. He is in total control at the moment - I just don’t know if I should cut the cord and just have a clear parallel parenting and get over him or just be friends and wait for the next bombshell where he betrays me. What’s best for the kids? He is a very hands on dad btw and I can’t fault him for carrying his share on his days with the kids.

Also I am not perfect and don’t fit into the traditional sahm role and I wasn’t as supportive as i could’ve been when he was going through financial issues during the pandemic . ( I had 4 young kids to “homeschool”‘during Covid and also was recovering from battering my body from back to back pregnancies)

I can be amicable and civil but we are so meshed lines are blurred and he doesn’t reciprocates I can’t afford to rent without him and as childcare is 50/50’ not entitled to maintenance and he owns the family home (we are not married). I need him financially to get my affairs in place in order to move on. All a mess and thankfully the kids not suffering too much but worried for the future. Mentally I am not OK. This lie and new partner thing is concerning because he clearly resents me and that’s scary I don’t know what his plans are

If I have also just cottoned on that you aren’t actually nesting in the way I thought you would be…..No ,kids stay at the family home 7/7 , you and the ex take turns ,is what is meant to happen. Why don’t you suggest you each take alternate weekends staying at the family home? I’m not surprised you are struggling to get over him when you are still playing happy families 3 days a week all together.

A trail separation is a separation. It can be well intentioned. Sometimes it is a way to get someone to leave the family home without the fuss.

He is seeing someone else and that may or may not go somewhere. He has his income and he has the house. He gets to parent on his own terms.

If the current arrangement works for the kids don’t throw it all away.

Your mistake here is you are putting your feelings, love, hurt and anger, ahead of what is best for them.

You have split from their father. This is what you need to accept and deal with.

Make a claim for CM. He’s a high earner so he’d still have to pay it even if he has them half the time.

and UC as you are separated.

And go low contact as you won’t get over him otherwise.

And permanently move out with the kids

also speak to a solicitor asap

The crux of the issue is that I am extremely intense and highly emotional. I have learned to regulate my mood and low self image by working out a lot etc but we were incompatible because he is laid-back and indifferent to feelings and I am passionate.

I had thought we would look into relationship counselling to reconcile after the year trial as we were suppose to review it now (before I learned of the new partner) and aside from his coldness and new partner everything seemed to been going well. i.e not really arguing, having friendly non-child related conversations, hanging out on the sofa in the evenings that I am there etc and just being reasonable and flexibe re: childcare switching days and doing pickups together sometimes etc. I honestly thought we were friends but this new partner and his reaction to me finding out about her has blindsided me and he has switched back to his abusive ways ever since. Not to mention that in the 8 months he has been with her he has been lying A LOT about his intentions and whereabouts. He took her to Ibiza and turns out his parents (who we are hosting at Christmas) know about her existence.(For reference his parents live in Ireland so don’t see us regularly). So I don’t know what he has been telling family and friends. I just feel extremely stupid. Nobody told me it was permanent but everyone but me seems to know! I think they thought I would kick up a fuss. He says he thought I would kill myself if he left me because I was hospitalised with functional neurological disorder shortly after the trial separation! Incredible gaslighting! I was burned out from his abuse, working out, looking after 4 kids and starting a new intense job.

I can get past all of that to make a plan and do it amicably because in spite of all this I still love him, but what plan exactly? We can be friendly and get on but he has a completely different narrative/agenda which he is being disingenuous about so I do not understand what he wants from me short and long-term. He is happy to play happy families some of the week, share a bed etc but then I can’t help but think he is secretly seething and telling everyone he hates me and plotting how to get out scot free without providing. Without understanding his intentions I do not know how to play this. If I instruct a solicitor it goes straight to being non-amicable and he may get annoyed and not play ball and I don’t have much legal standing anyway , if I don’t I am definitely not protected and I am still screwed. The best outcome for me and the children is to be amicable. But by being amicable he is walking all over me, not helping me move on and not being transparent. So how do I get the right balance of getting him to still pay rent, communicate better, stop flirting and strutting around and get boundaries in place. I am losing my sanity and sleep at night. The partner is a side issue its more the whole scenario and she represents confirmation that he does not give a hoot about me and the whole thing has woken me up to the fact I am dancing with a wolf in sheeps clothing. It does not help that he is charming and winks at me and stuff and I get flutters – when he is nice he is really nice but the flipside isn’t great. I accept I cant have him as a husband and happy to have him in my life as a coparent but how to manage that transition and what boundaries to put in place. Yes- I do need therapy and I think we need coparent counselling anyway because this is all a giant mess and I am surprised my kids are stable. I have 3 daughters!!! I have to be a good role model.

Really sorry you are in this situation, op. There is a lot of information in your last post that adds a new insight into how vulnerable you are and I really feel for you.

I think the “nesting” is probably making things even harder for you by blurring the lines. I’d talk to him about the need to make a new arrangement with a clean break and what he proposes about paying maintenance (given his income you should receive something). I would really try to accept that the relationship is over and avoid blurring the lines further yourself. Do you family around to support you?

He’s shown you who he is:

• May or may not have planned for this “trial separation” to not even be a trial…I’m inclined to believe this, as the natural action if it was a trial would be to go through counselling during the trial, and to re-assess at the end of a year. Why hold off on the counselling for 12 months, with a view to making a decision, then begin the counselling? This makes no sense.
• Has been lying to you about his whereabouts, including holidays with his new partner.
• Has told his family about his new partner—only keeping you in the dark about his new relationship status.
• Is trying to keep you available to him…flirting, winking, playing happy families at his house, sleeping in the same bed, having a “family” Christmas with his parents.

Amicable does not mean doing everything that XDP wants, nor to his agenda. I don’t know about the solicitor, as you’re not married and don’t own joint property.

Please have a long, hard think about whether you should still be playing happy families, living in his house part time, and putting on a Christmas for his family. This perhaps isn’t healthy for you, and your ability to move on with her life.

You’re well rid of this guy. He agreed to the terms of the separation, hasn’t been sticking to them for most of the year, has been lying, and deliberately stringing you along. Really, you should be pitying his new DP. She likely has no idea that you’re sleeping in the same bed with her partner, nor does she likely know that you have plans to host XDP’s family at Christmas (which you should obviously cancel). He’s a dick who doesn’t know how to properly treat partners with respect; new or old. Time to move on and untangle yourself from his toxic web.

I am sorry you are going through this. I don’t think this nesting type arrangement is right for you. It’s not about being amicable, which can be defined in many ways. At the moment you are stuck in a half way house on many levels. He isn’t because his circumstances are different from yours.

You are still emotionally enmeshed with him to the extent that a friendship is not tenable. A friend doesn’t get upset when someone dates someone else. You are his ex and you might still have romantic feelings. Even if you don’t it is difficult for any of us not to overstep with ex’s. But we don’t get a say in if they date, when they date and how they date. IMO you need to knock the friend thing on the head and be his ex. You can be an amicable ex without being a friend if you get the right boundaries. Like not living together and not sleeping together.

Get a child arrangement order agreed along with a co parenting arrangement that allows you to live separately and with proper boundaries. Agree child support and how you manage and communicate co parenting issues. There is zero need for you to talk about how you feel about each other to co parent. Your health and mental well being aren’t his business until or unless it impacts on your parenting.

He is easing himself away from your relationship without telling you that is what he is doing. Because that is easier for him. You can end things the way you want. But you need to accept it is over.

Thank you this is great perspective

What would you be looking to instruct a solicitor for?

To make sure he doesn’t kick me out. I could probably get on occupancy order but a long expensive road to go down and not necessary tbh

This is where you may have a problem. If you are not on the mortgage and not married I assume you don’t have an interest in the property. Is this the case?

It is possible to make a case to live in the family home if your children would otherwise be homeless. This won’t give you an interest in the property and it is hard to secure. However because you have an apartment and he has the house, the children being homeless is a hard contention to make. Especially with a 50:50 co parenting arrangement and maybe no obvious resident parent.

Your willingness to go along with the trail separation has made it easy for him. He is living in the family home and you are visiting. If it is his property he can change the locks. You have no standing.

Good point
thing is if I don’t cook the Christmas meal for his parents I’ll def be acting like a guest

I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament.

Painful though it is, you have to accept that your relationship is over. Your Ex partner has moved on and is involved with someone else now. He shouldn't have strung you along - that was very deceitful of him. He was probably trying to avoid any difficult conversations or confrontations. But you know the truth now and you need to make plans for the future - a future which doesn't involve your Ex. You need to establish some firm boundaries and stop staying at his house.

As you're not married, you're not entitled to any financial settlement with regard to the house. You mentioned an apartment. Are you renting? Is the apartment big enough for you and your four kids? Is the tenancy in your own name? Can you afford to pay the rent on your own? I'm in Ireland and if you were living here then I'd be advising you to apply to your local Council to go on the housing list a.s.a.p. I'd also recommend that you apply for financial assistance towards the cost of your rent. But I'm not sure how these things work in the UK. He should be paying you child maintenance but I'm not sure how you go about claiming this and what constitutes a fair payment. Hopefully some other posters will point you in the right direction.

The apartment is only a 2 bed which is rented. To rent a family home near the children’s school would cost 3x the amount so i definitely need his assistance which he says he will be provide

I think my best plan is to get him to confirm this in a legally binding agreement and get the ball rolling on finding a place asap before his goodwill runs out or if he is lying with no intention of paying then at least I know this now and can look at then options

I would rather see them weekend only then uproot them to a new school but there are 3 young girls and they need a mother. My lone son also needs his dad. I hate that this is my life I would honestly except the current setup and his new partner if he was kind to me and honest. he could have it all but he won’t even do that properly

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you op.

My suggestion is to plan your next steps under the assumption that he won't be paying your rent, and all you will get from him is child maintenance. Look at your housing options without him, whether you can afford to rent on your wages or you need to go on the council list.

Remember, he isn't your friend.

Kids are B7 G7 G8 G9
work is stable have been there a year but there’s no prospect of an imminent pay rise I’m already slightly overpaid because do a 4day
week and paid same as full time staff. If I worked 5 days tax NI and student loans deductions would mean I am only £100 better off each month

Can you make your 2 bed flat work for you and the children (e.g. you in a sofa bed while they’re around)? If not go and find a slightly bigger one. Your ex will not pay for a house for you in a nice location in return fir a Christmas dinner. He is only telling you what you want to hear when you’re around.

You need to open your eyes to some truths:

• your relationship is well and truly over
• you are on your own
• you now need find a way to take care of yourself and your kids

Find a place where they can stay with you. Stop playing games with him because you do not have anything to gain from those.

This is also the type of role model your girls (and boy too) need. The woman who will stand on her own two feet and deal with the new situation, and not wait around for scraps of attention and unrealistic promises.

In terms of him supporting your financially unless he is a very high earner you are only entitled to child support and he can apply to pay the CMS rate after a year. What really concerns me is that you may have effectively made him the resident parent. They are with you 2 days per week. The rest of the time they are living with him and you visit. He has positioned himself very nicely.

It’s very difficult because he is intermittently nice to me and makes me feel safe and acts like he will take care of us but his actions say otherwise and the truth slips out now and again. So he has been scheming to get away Scot free and I’m finding that hard to accept (but I am accepting it) and how can I be amicable after all this anyway? I don’t want to hate him. I want us to get on is there a way to get a middle ground ?

It doesn’t sound as if he is aiming to get away Scot free at all, he appears to still be providing for your kids, giving them a home and looking after them isn’t he? If you mean any obligations towards you financially, that is a different matter but again this is why people are advised not to have kids and cohabit without any legal agreements in place. Have you anyone in real life who can sit down with you and go through the situation in a calm objective manner?

yes I should have just got married when he proposed in 2019 but I wanted to wait until we could afford a proper wedding and Covid and financial troubles got in the way.

it very hard because he is abusive but I am very sensitive so easy to hurt and i am not perfect myself because I am so insecure making me self absorbed. It’s a toxic relationship so i get it needs to end but just frustrated he couldn’t just have a family life and then his GF on the side - I don’t care about having another partner just wanted him/my family

I really really would suggest getting yourself some therapy. You are worth so much more than a man who isn't kind to you with a partner on the side.

Normally you draw up an agreement regarding custody of the children. Generally speaking, one parent is granted custody and the children live permanently with that parent. The other parent has access to the children at agreed times. Sometimes parents have joint custody and the children spend an equal amount of time with each parent.

I wouldn't assume that your Ex will help with your rent payments. Even if he's prepared to help out now, this could change in the future for any number of reasons e.g.

(1) he loses his job
(2) he develops a medical condition or illness which means he's no longer able to work
(3) his new partner moves in and puts a stop to it when she discovers this arrangement
(4) he has a child/children with this partner (or another future partner) and is no longer able to afford to do so

You'd be better off to do a bit of research and find out what your entitlements are. Contact your local Citizens Advice service and see what they say.

As for co-parenting, this involves communicating strictly about the children and their needs/issues. Here are some examples

• Your child is sick, so you let your Ex know that you've taken them to the doctor and they've been prescribed medication
• Your child has had an accident, so you let your Ex know that you've brought them to A&E
• There's a school trip coming up. You discuss it with your Ex and decide whether you're both happy for your child to go on the trip. How will you split the cost of the trip?
• Father's Day is coming up - ask your Ex if he'd like to take the children that day. And obviously he should reciprocate when it's Mother's Day
• You let your Ex know that the school has raised concerns about behavioural issues or possible special needs
• Your let your Ex know that your child is upset because they were bullied at school today/this week
• You let your Ex know that your DD's dance class is putting on a show on X date, if he'd like to go. This means that there will be extra rehearsals on Tuesday evenings from 5 - 7 p.m. for the foreseeable future.
• You let your Ex know that your DS's football club has an awards ceremony on X date
• You let your Ex know that it's Christmas jumper day at school on 12th December and your DC will need their Christmas jumper that day.