Husband threatened me & doesn’t see anything wrong

[Alwaysinamood]

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get things off my chest and clarify a few things.
My DH has a high paid job but classed as self employed. He’s always been the main breadwinner. I’ve always worked part time or been self employed part time as I do all the child care, errands, house work, cooking, cleaning etc, he often works away or goes abroad so I’ve always worked around my children. DH has an easy life, loves his job, comes home to a meal ready everyday. Doesn’t don’t domestic chores really.
Anyway, despite earning a good amount of money he’s always moaning about money, being ripped off, the cost of anything and is tight. Anything I spend comes up on a notification on his phone. Anyway to cut a long story short I discovered some debt he has and loan, credit card which he hasn’t told me about and when I questioned him he lied again but then eventually went crazy saying it was all my fault he’s not millionaire, I’ve never worked full time, all I do is spend his money. Anyway he was very very nasty. He has been very nasty before when we fall out. He got worse and worse, swearing, shouting and he’s always telling me if we fall out to leave the home, he’s not leaving, he won’t pay me a penny, he will go to prison if he has to, and he’s not leaving. He then started to scream in my face ‘if you don’t leave this house I will fuckin murder you!! I will murder you and put you in a box!!’ My 15 DS at this point was comforting me as I was understandably upset and scared, and DS had to tell him to leave me alone and shove him away. DS was visibly angry and upset. I left the house and went to my mums, when he apparently shouted at DS for defending me and then burst into tears. DS if off school today as he’s struggling with the stress of it and emotions.

Anyway now DH is blaming stress saying he may not have a job in Jan, he’s not apologised to me, I’ve told him I want a divorce but he’s said ‘I have more things to worry about!’

He seems to not be bothered and think because he’s stressed it’s ok??

I’m very confused, heartbroke, it’s not out of character him being aggressive but this was something else. I can’t forgive him for upsetting my DS l. DD10 was also home but she doesn’t seem as affected than my DS.

I worry now about finances, our home, splitting before Christmas, the children. I love him but I can’t forgive what he’s done. There’s the hidden debt, lies, aggression, threats. I’ve thought ‘is this my fault??’ Because I bought it up. His mother seems to think it’s ok and I knew he was highly strung when I married him. She doesn’t know about debt and he threatened to murder me though!

Just need some words of advice, encouragement, anything really as my mind is all over the place!

Both of your children are being emotionally abused. It is effecting them.

You need to make a plan with a domestic violence organisation about how to safely leave. Staying is not fair on you or the children. You need to tell school what is happening so they can help the children access support.

He’s said he won’t leave h til he knows his contract is being renewed. I suspect he is expecting me to forget about it and move on, which I have done in the past sadly

His behaviour is inexcusable but I would bet he has some serious financial difficulties you don't know about

You need to leave, you’re really not safe, neither are your children

What is stopping you from leaving him?

Fear of being alone?
Financial dependence?
Fear about your children accepting the split?

I think you need to get advice to deal with these fears. He sounds like a very dangerous man. I recommend reading Lundy Bacrofts book “Why does he do that?”

You are in danger, your children are in danger and already being harmed by him. You need to address your denial first which is an understandable completely normal response to abuse.

He screamed because he knows he's in the wrong, how awful for your ds. Can you stay at mums with dc, I wouldn't be leaving them alone with him.

When people tell you who they are. Listen.

I would in the first instance call the police and tell them he has threatened to kill you. At the very least it will make them aware of the potential.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer and start the usual collection of paperwork. But whatever you do, get a plan to get yourself and your DC away from this man immediately.

Nobody threatens to kill their partner because they are stressed. This is chillingly sinister. What is the next step for him? Doesn't bear thinking about OP.

Are you married to my ex? Leave. It only gets worse

Time to get your ducks in a row. It sounds like he’s resented you not working FT for a while and if he’s having financial difficulties that resentment is only going to build.

You need to get a job and get out.

I'd be getting you and the dc out as soon as possible, if he is so stressed let him live on his own and reflect on his behaviour. Try and increase your hours if your parents can help with childcare.

I'd also make sure any joint accounts or cards are secure

hes horrific

its also your job to protect your son not the other way around

I think I definitely am in denial! It’s only when I’ve told me people and they’re like WTF !! The threat was worse he’s ever been. I’ve been on citizens advice bureau and told him I can get sn occupation order and he said he hasn’t laid a finger on me so won’t be able to, to which I replied he threatened me, emotional abuse and threats about money so yes I’d be able to. He is very self righteous and seems to think he is bigger and better than anyone else.

I’d be ringing the police if I feared for mine or my children’s safety due to verbal threats and aggressive behaviour. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving my children in the home with him.

please contact the police and women’s aid to see what to do and get more advice.

id rather be skint and all the kids and me in one room somewhere safe than exposing them to that behaviour.

Why did you leave your children there? Take them with you

Don't tell him what you are doing as you are getting your ducks in a row @Alwaysinamood , it'll just escalate things. Just get on and do what you need to do, with the right advice from the right organisations, and once everything is in place then tell him what is happening.

This isn't a negotiating situation any more, your poor DS to have witnessed that and had to comfort you...

I really think you should ring the National Domestic Abuse helpline to get advice on this. I would be erring on reporting the threatening behaviour to the police as well, but the helpine should be able to advise you properly.

There is clearly no coming back from this, and it will get messy, but I really hope you can dig deep and find the strength for your and your childrens sake.

I wouldn’t tell him all this. You need to keep your cards close to your chest.

I would just go and get an occupation order application started, hire a solicitor and get him removed from the house pending divorce and financial settlement.

Your DS is in GCSE period - you need to protect him now and protect his future.

Police. That's a very specific threat, and he needs to be held to account for it. Gather as much paperwork as you can and get out of there with the kids if police don't remove him immediately. Sounds like when you divorce he won't cooperate.

I was thinking this too. Maybe even install some cameras in the house in case it happens again, like that documentary about the abusive wife.

Jeez. He's made clear threats to kill you, and you're still there? You need to report this to the police and contact Women's Aid.

Do not ignore this. Take action now.

Don't tell him anymore, don't prolong the argument, just decide what's safe for you and your children now, are ds school aware of the real reason he's not in school today.

@Alwaysinamood my husband’s mother used to use my husband to stand up to her DH as a young child and teen and she used DSILs and honesty the rest of us too at times. It is all very inappropriate.

We now find her very difficult too. The abuse completely deskilled her in terms of feeling competent and capable so she has become incredibly dependent as a personality. That will happen to you too, it probably already has to some extent. You need to get away. You need to protect your children not the other way around. You need to start facing up to the dysfunction and the fact that you play a part in the dynamics too that is harming your children too.

It is unacceptable to treat anyone that way and to involve children is inexcusable. The marriage needs to end.

I think there are probably serious financial problems. In planning to get an occupation order you should plan to support yourself without anything from him. He’s self employed so CMS is probably not going to be great anyway.

Can you tell the police he threatened to kill you, or at least your GP, for the purpose of a paper trail? This will be important if you need legal aid, which you might. A lot of people think that just saying you’ve been a victim of domestic violence is enough to get legal aid, but you need ‘proof’ from police or GP.

Can you take DC to stay with your mum?