Husband threatened me & doesn’t see anything wrong

[Alwaysinamood]

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get things off my chest and clarify a few things.
My DH has a high paid job but classed as self employed. He’s always been the main breadwinner. I’ve always worked part time or been self employed part time as I do all the child care, errands, house work, cooking, cleaning etc, he often works away or goes abroad so I’ve always worked around my children. DH has an easy life, loves his job, comes home to a meal ready everyday. Doesn’t don’t domestic chores really.
Anyway, despite earning a good amount of money he’s always moaning about money, being ripped off, the cost of anything and is tight. Anything I spend comes up on a notification on his phone. Anyway to cut a long story short I discovered some debt he has and loan, credit card which he hasn’t told me about and when I questioned him he lied again but then eventually went crazy saying it was all my fault he’s not millionaire, I’ve never worked full time, all I do is spend his money. Anyway he was very very nasty. He has been very nasty before when we fall out. He got worse and worse, swearing, shouting and he’s always telling me if we fall out to leave the home, he’s not leaving, he won’t pay me a penny, he will go to prison if he has to, and he’s not leaving. He then started to scream in my face ‘if you don’t leave this house I will fuckin murder you!! I will murder you and put you in a box!!’ My 15 DS at this point was comforting me as I was understandably upset and scared, and DS had to tell him to leave me alone and shove him away. DS was visibly angry and upset. I left the house and went to my mums, when he apparently shouted at DS for defending me and then burst into tears. DS if off school today as he’s struggling with the stress of it and emotions.

Anyway now DH is blaming stress saying he may not have a job in Jan, he’s not apologised to me, I’ve told him I want a divorce but he’s said ‘I have more things to worry about!’

He seems to not be bothered and think because he’s stressed it’s ok??

I’m very confused, heartbroke, it’s not out of character him being aggressive but this was something else. I can’t forgive him for upsetting my DS l. DD10 was also home but she doesn’t seem as affected than my DS.

I worry now about finances, our home, splitting before Christmas, the children. I love him but I can’t forgive what he’s done. There’s the hidden debt, lies, aggression, threats. I’ve thought ‘is this my fault??’ Because I bought it up. His mother seems to think it’s ok and I knew he was highly strung when I married him. She doesn’t know about debt and he threatened to murder me though!

Just need some words of advice, encouragement, anything really as my mind is all over the place!

What a piece of 💩.
Sorry, OP.
No words.

Wow
Sounded like my ex. I left when DS was 16 months. He is 2.5

I count my lucky stars I got away, I can be single, thriving in my career and lead a very comfortable life.

Leave. Leave for your son and you.

He has made a clear and direct threat on your life. Contact the police.

From now on, Don’t tell him anything at all.
You learn that you can get a restraining order? Good. Keep it fir yourself abd use that knowledge if you need to.
Dint tell him because he is going to either find ways to protect himself or will try his best to convince you’re wrong. Agd might well succeed - as he has in the last.

Go and see a lawyer. Sort what information you need to have. Get an idea of what you would be entitled to from the divorce.

Get your own finances in order.
The good thing is that your dcs are now old enough to not need you all the time. You can go back to work full time. So do it now. Protect yourself and your dcs.
If you are self employed part time, look at another part time job to complement it.

And then, when you are ready, tell him to get lost.

You need to start taking control back. Control in your life. Rather than working at appeasing him all the time. Agd do whatever he has told you.

Og and be sure you have your own bank account with all your money Going there. Not a joint account he has full access to!

He threatened you in front of your 15 year old, right? That’s a credible witness. Call the police and have him charged.

OP, if you can't find strength for you think of your children. Don't leave them with him after something like that. Bring them straight to your Mam's so they feel you as a safe person protecting them. Can you stay there for the time being with the children? Put him aside, just think of them and that they need to feel for their own health..

You should not have left your children with this man nor have told him your plans. Get your ducks in a row quietly. Don't tell him any more. Let your children's school know what's going on so they can be supportive.

Yes I realise this as after I left apparently he shouted at DS for defending me and then he burst into tears saying sorry. It’s like he’s had some sort of breakdown! He’s only bothered about money sadly.
thank you for your helpful replies, it does sound so bad, but I guess I just have always tried to let things go but this time it’s gone too far!

are you and your children safe from him now, this will happen again, you know that.

He hasn’t been home much and if he has he’s stayed in a seperate room. Now he’s sober (he was hangover when the arguement started on Sunday then carried on drinking that afternoon)and the red mist has gone he’s quiet. It’s like he can be a different person. I’m not cooking his meals now or doing his washing. I expect this will be an issue as usually I have always cooked regardless if there’s been an argument. I feel more confident now in realising the police actually do take this sort of thing serious. He seems to think because he said it in anger and didn’t mean it that it’s ok !

Can you please speak to the police about the very specific threat to murder you 'and put you in a box'? Also the financial crisis he is in, and that he has said he doesn't care if he goes to prison?

These are all factors seen in the cases of men who go on to murder their wives (and often - I'm sorry to to worry you but it's true - their kids as well)
I know it sounds ridiculous but have a search online if you can hide your internet history - these are really worrying signs

Of course he’ll minimise what has happened.

But the reality is that his behaviour scared your ds too. And very likely your dd too but she won’t feel like she can say ‘it was awful’.
Thats because it was really bad.

And you need to plan that it might/will happen again. Esp when he realises you plan to leave.
(I got it right there I hope. You can’t really excuse his behaviour this time. So please tell me you’re going to take steps and separate)

You need to report to the police that he threatened to murder you - in front of your children. Come on OP, do it for your children if not yourself.

It's NOT okay. Find your anger and ignore his tears.

Fuck his 'breakdown'.
Fuck his enabling mother.
Think about your own wellbeing & what you want to teach your son.

I'm not a person who blithely advises 'LTB' - I've tolerated some very shit behaviour from someone who's supposed to love me, because of the kids, because he's under pressure, because excuse, excuse, excuse.

But this man threatened your life. That's enough right there. And then he berated your son for trying to stop him threatening your life. Intolerable & dangerous.

You've done the hard part by telling him you want a divorce, now carry it through. Go & see a solicitor, sort your banking, ask about extra hours at work & get him out of your house.

Sorry but from reading your replies you are being way, way to chill about this.

Your husband threatened to put you in a box for fucks sake and I get the vibe that you think that by not washing his clothes you're teaching him a lesson?!?

It is not your son's job to protect you and regardless of how your daughter reacted at the time trust me, she is traumatised. She just heard her dad threaten to kill her mum for gods sake!!

Please tell me that some of the above is getting through to you!!

YOU NEED TO LEAVE - THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION.

I would put money on him being in the shit money wise. Gambling or secret debt and it's frightened the shit out of him with the thought of losing his job.

He's a scum bag my love. You deserve better and so do the kids.

You say that not cooking or washing will be an issue so just another arguement on the way, I'd be leaving and how awful for the children to live in that atmosphere.

Please don’t have conversations like this with him. He is an abuser and there is a good chance that it will get worse, it’s already esculating, leaving may make the situation worse so you must leave in a safe way.

He is an abuser, he will not change his behaviour with you. His behaviour is getting worse and this will likely continue. You must make safe plans to leave. Do not discuss these plans with him.

OP, something very similar happened to me. I involved the police, moved out and my children are with me. But even though threats to kill were also made, I tried not to think about them after I left. Reading your post has been a massively important reminder to me that I should never let myself forget. And neither should you. No normal man threatens to kill the mother of his children, or exposes his children to such sickening rage.

Please don’t become the next statistic of DV. Make your plans to leave if he won’t. His aggression is scary & unsafe for you and your children. He threatened you in a very specific way, who knows what he might do.

Get a lawyer immediately.

Make contemporaneous notes of exactly what happened, what was said. Write it all down. Email it to your lawyer.

Whatever else happens you need to document these threats in as much and as accurate detail as possible and by emailing it to your lawyer you have a record of that with a date on it.

Then talk to your lawyer about next steps.

He wants to kill you.

Start acting like somebody whose life is in imminent danger. Call the police already. Put physical distance between you two already. Protect your kids.

He sounds awful. He has made threats and you really need to take them seriously. I agree that you should talk to the police regarding this.

Please contact women’s aid urgently and the police and get out of there with your children safely. It is imperative that you take his threats to kill you seriously.