Husband threatened me & doesn’t see anything wrong

[Alwaysinamood]

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get things off my chest and clarify a few things.
My DH has a high paid job but classed as self employed. He’s always been the main breadwinner. I’ve always worked part time or been self employed part time as I do all the child care, errands, house work, cooking, cleaning etc, he often works away or goes abroad so I’ve always worked around my children. DH has an easy life, loves his job, comes home to a meal ready everyday. Doesn’t don’t domestic chores really.
Anyway, despite earning a good amount of money he’s always moaning about money, being ripped off, the cost of anything and is tight. Anything I spend comes up on a notification on his phone. Anyway to cut a long story short I discovered some debt he has and loan, credit card which he hasn’t told me about and when I questioned him he lied again but then eventually went crazy saying it was all my fault he’s not millionaire, I’ve never worked full time, all I do is spend his money. Anyway he was very very nasty. He has been very nasty before when we fall out. He got worse and worse, swearing, shouting and he’s always telling me if we fall out to leave the home, he’s not leaving, he won’t pay me a penny, he will go to prison if he has to, and he’s not leaving. He then started to scream in my face ‘if you don’t leave this house I will fuckin murder you!! I will murder you and put you in a box!!’ My 15 DS at this point was comforting me as I was understandably upset and scared, and DS had to tell him to leave me alone and shove him away. DS was visibly angry and upset. I left the house and went to my mums, when he apparently shouted at DS for defending me and then burst into tears. DS if off school today as he’s struggling with the stress of it and emotions.

Anyway now DH is blaming stress saying he may not have a job in Jan, he’s not apologised to me, I’ve told him I want a divorce but he’s said ‘I have more things to worry about!’

He seems to not be bothered and think because he’s stressed it’s ok??

I’m very confused, heartbroke, it’s not out of character him being aggressive but this was something else. I can’t forgive him for upsetting my DS l. DD10 was also home but she doesn’t seem as affected than my DS.

I worry now about finances, our home, splitting before Christmas, the children. I love him but I can’t forgive what he’s done. There’s the hidden debt, lies, aggression, threats. I’ve thought ‘is this my fault??’ Because I bought it up. His mother seems to think it’s ok and I knew he was highly strung when I married him. She doesn’t know about debt and he threatened to murder me though!

Just need some words of advice, encouragement, anything really as my mind is all over the place!

Get the divorce. Call the police and report the threats.

Exactly like my ex.

You have to get out with your dcs.

My ex ended up convicted of assault against me.

Do not tell him anything about your plans.

Never leave your dcs with him again.

He's financially abusive too.

You must be terrified of the next episode of rage.

Even if he has worries about his job this behaviour is inexcusable. You must split. Love yourself instead of him. Get ur children away from.his vile moods. Don't risk your lives any longer. You deserve better. Peace of mind is so underrated. Once you get it, u will covet it. Good luck OP.

What's he spent all the money on??

Coercive Control — Laura Richards

Advice if you are Experiencing Abuse:
You are not alone. You can get help and there are advocates and specialists who can help.
You are not to blame nor are you responsible for the abuse.
Please do not suffer in silence. There are experts who can help.
If it is an emergency call 999.
If you cannot speak call 999, wait and then press 55 and you will be transferred to the police and they will know that you need help.
Get good practical advice from the 24hr freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 0203 866 4107
[email protected] – www.paladinservice.co.uk in the UK
In the US Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Please ensure you are aware of the risk factors using the DASH www.dashriskchecklist.com
Please tell family and friends what is happening to you.
Do not allow the abuser to isolate you from family and friends.
Keep a diary of the behaviour and the impact it is having on you.
Collect all the evidence – texts, emails, social media message, photos, letters, recordings etc.
Report abuse to police and take the DASH and your diary with you along with the coercive control law

Thank you for all your advice. I have realised now there has been emotional abuse and financial abuse going on for years, lots of seperate episodes for a very long time which I have either blamed myself for, thought I’ve over thought things or accepted it or just moved on from it as in between he is very charming, can be loving and everyone else thinks the sun shines out of his arse.
I’m speaking with Women’s Aid and looking to get a solicitor.
I’m still at home with the children, he’s merely slept here, but I have close family members nearby and I don’t feel threatened at the moment.
Just to clarify things too, I have recently been a student and just qualified in something for a new career, I’m currently starting off my own practice so not earning money since March this year. I’m going to look for a part time job now whilst I’m building up my own business as well. Which he also threw in my face.
my head just feels like it’s swimming at the moment and replaying everything😩
Soemone has mentioned I sound chill and I think it’s because things have happened so many times and I always just let things go and move on, and brush them under the carpet. I don’t think it’s sunk in the severity of the threat.

It's no surprise you can't process this, as you've been under control for so long. I am so pleased that you are starting to break free and have a good support network. Well done and good luck with your new life, which will be a thousand times better than what you've been putting up with.

It's very typical for abusers to be able to convince people they are amazing.

You married him, right? Not because you thought he was abusive either.

My ex went for anger management counselling. His counsellor asked to meet me too whereupon she started waxing lyrical about him, how marvellous he is and how fortunate I was to have him as my husband. I was astonished.

Please take care of yourself and your dcs now.

Your h is a dangerous character and thinks he can do what he likes with you and to you. He doesn't think about the consequences. He probably doesn't even think he will face any consequences.

Keep all your plans secret. Do not tell him anything or your mutual friends.

Keep us updated.

Easy steps OP. This time next year your new life will have begun. It’s a cliché, but the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

Now my DD and DS are asking if I’ve spoke to him and if we’ve sorted it and ‘made friends’😩

I'd tell them that he should not have upset them, he should be apologising to them, don't normalise it.

I see they are expecting you to solve it as has happened previously. You are probably going to have to have a proper sit down talk with them but take advice on when to do that because they could tell your ‘DH’ any plans you have to leave.

Did you stay with him? Did it work?
this is exactly what would happen with my DH too 😩

Exactly

Honestly you are normalising the unthinkable

Your husband said, in front of your child that he’s going to kill you and put you in a box.

That is traumatising. Your DS will never forget that. If he told someone at school about it, you’d have SS on the doorstep, or the police.

It’s utterly chilling and I hate to say it, but when money gets involved this is exactly how things like this do end in utter horror.

Please contact the police. Contact women’s aid etc

Don’t think for a moment that because your DH has a decent job, or isn’t what you “imagined a serious abuser” to be that he isn’t a danger to you and possibly your children. He sounds very very dangerous indeed

@Alwaysinamood we are divorced.

He assaulted me. Pulled me to the ground by my head and twisted my head until I saw black. I was lucky to be ok.

He had countless affirmed. Was controlling financially. Turns out he'd run up many debts for which I am also liable.

Men like this don't see why they can't treat you the way they want. They don't get it. They don't see the problem. To them, you are the problem. You need to be brought into line.

Please leave. Please, if not for your sake, don't let your dcs be subjected to this anymore. It is so damaging. My dcs saw the assault and two suffered PTSD. We are free now. It's hard but there is no fear.

Countless affairs. Not affirmed

This sounds truly awful so sorry you had to go through this.

You're going through it too. The assault didn't just happen. There was a build up of screaming abuse.

Please take care op.

I have spoke with Women’s Aid today and they’ve sent me details on what to do next , local support and how I can get legal advice.
I just feel like nobody is taking it serious. I’ve told my Dad about it and it’s like they don’t want to admit how bad it is as they haven’t seen how angry he can get. I can’t really talk to my close family as they always defend him if I complain about him.

His Mum has even said since if he isn’t beating you up or having an affair you can always work it out!! This is after listening to him be verbally abusive!!

I’m sorry OP. I’m glad you’ve contacted professionals who can support.

Unfortunately other people don’t always take this kind of thing seriously. So you need to ensure you take it seriously, look after your kids and yourself, and leave. Don’t worry about what other people think.

I am so sorry that you don’t have a good support network at the moment - that’s utterly shit.

I’’m not a LTB person, and I think a lot of things can be worked out - but this isn’t one of them, and I genuinely fear for your safety.

OP a man who says he will kill you and put you in a box is clearly dangerous. It doesn't matter what your family think or what his family think - you need to take his threat seriously even if he's trying to downplay it now. Take Women's Aid's advice and get legal advice asap. You cannot stay in a relationship with someone who threatens you in this way. You need to get away, don't allow him to talk you round. If you feel at all threatened again, please do call the police.

HIs Mother is dead right, you CAN always sort it out, that is unless he does kill you, puts you in that wooden box like he threatened. Your'e dead, he will be in prison, will he then think oh fuck it I have nothing to lose n kill the kids too? Or will he let them watch as he kills you? Or let them find your body?

Many many things can be fixed apart from any of the above. Report him for threatening you, have him removed from the house, don't forgive or forget. He crossed a major line there.

I hope you are ok, that was dreadful for you and your children to go through. For your kids sake prove to them you don't have to tolerate that from anyone.