Happy life, unhappy wife

[Lifeisntalwayswhatyouhopedfor]

Hi
I'm just looking for a bit of advice and thoughts from others.

I have to start with this statement - my wife and I get on like a house on fire. We are best mates, have a good laugh and almost never argue. We have 5 amazing kids together who we love without question.

However, she had a bit of a thing with a married man (with 2 kids) at work which I found out about that she says she deeply regrets. I'm not fully convinced I believe her but I will accept this. It didn't go beyond an arranged lunch date and a couple of drunken snogs before I found out but I'm certain it would have gone further, something she says definitely wouldn't have 🙄

On the back of me finding out (5 weeks ago'ish) she has said she's been very unhappy for 10 years but has never said anything until now, not even once. Our youngest is only 8 so that confuses me.

We are currently 1 month in to a 3 month trial to see if we can make it work, for us and the sake of the kids.

As I mentioned, we get on brilliantly but her only concern is "I don't feel that way about you any longer" (we have had more Sexual activities in the last 4 weeks than we have in the previous 4 months) and she wants to separate because of that.

Now, I'm not naive enough to not be aware of the head turn she's had at work. I'm sure it's on the back of this only given she's not said anything to me about unhappiness until I caught her sneaking about.

My main reason for the post is that, whilst i don't want to end our marriage, we simply can't afford to split up.

I am a driving instructor and she's a part time retail worker and full time uni student. My salary can run this house and her salary can support her studies and pay some bills and some food.

If we went ahead with the split, we would have to sell the family home as she can't afford to run it and i would not be able to pay for that and have somewhere to live myself that could house my children.

Once the house sold, I would need to work 65 hours a week to pay for just my accommodation (big enough to have my kids) which would leave me with just £140 a week for food and living. My wife would be unable to afford anywhere. She would also have to pack in her uni because I cover the school runs Monday to Thursday so she can get to uni on time.

If I had to pay for her to live somewhere large enough for the kids, I would basically role reverse and I would be in her position and not be able to afford to live anywhere.

All of this stress, coupled with the fact that at 51 years old I would be having to start again on the property ladder and having to work 65 hours a week for the next 20 years fills me with dread.

I can't see any solution other than staying together. I know she isn't keen but I want to try and sort these issues out and keep our family together, even if it was just for the kids.

Is there a glaringly obvious financial issue I'm completely missing or are we both financially screwed if we do go our separate ways?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

How old is your wife

You've given away so much identifying info ( if true). Ask for your post to be removed.

45

What a horrible situation for you to be in. Sorry if I'm wrong but this sounds a bit like a reverse situation, are you really the wife? I ask because you say more about her and her woes than yourself

Do you have equity in the house at all, I don't need to know how much but is there enough to fund a deposit? Can the children share a bedroom etc?

If your wife wants to leave she will have to sort out whether she wants to leave university or not, thats all part of the life choices she will have to make. You can work full time and take longer to study for the qualification.

Nope, 100% I'm the bloke stuck in this mess.
We've got equity in the house but both have a poor credit history since covid so buying somewhere else is going to be difficult for the next 3 years.
Renting is far too expensive where we are (£1800-£2000 per month before bills) for the sort of size house we will need and using the equity to pay will result in struggles to buy the right size house in 3 years.

They can't share share rooms due to their ages. We need 4 bedroom houses each.

I'm managing about 4 hours of sleep a night with all the worry.

Like what? No mention of where we live, just jobs and ages. It's going to be tough to identify us from that, surely.

I can edit the post if you tell me what you think is risky

Cheers

When my parents split, I had to share a room with my sister. It was not ideal but circumstances changed and we could no longer afford a house with a bedroom for each of us. I think that would be my starting point of looking at options when splitting.

The only way would be to reduce the bedroom size and have the children together a bit more I think.

Do you think couples counselling will help you unpick what’s wrong? It might help.

Could you ‘nest’? You both have a small flat you use between you and you both swap staying in the family home.

Other than this it’s a case of living together until children leave home which isn’t ideal for any of you.

It’s so hard when finances are like this.

I am sorry you are going through this. I had a friend who split with her husband - he moved into the basement, the kids were in the middle level and she moved onto the top floor. I think they added a kitchenette into the basement for the hubby. Worked so well after a few years she moved her new boyfriend into the top floor with her.

Couples counselling is avoid idea
Relate do reductions based on income x
Also has your wife looked into peri menopause?
This could be affecting her libido and mood.

@Lifeisntalwayswhatyouhopedfor I think in this situation (which sounds very tough, I’m sorry) kids can absolutely share bedrooms and a parent can have a sofa bed downstairs. Whether they like it is a different matter, but needs must.

Or.. have you considered nesting (need to be on good co parenting terms) where you rent a 1-2 bed flat that you share with your wife - the parent who is not in the family home with the kids lives there for their child free time. That’s potentially a good short time solution.

Well she no longer can simply afford to work retail part time and be a uni student. That goes. She’s needs to work full time, Claim uc if applicable and the kids would have to share.

you can’t magic money out of thin air so things would have to change.

sorry to sound harsh but you’ve ( both ) some choices and decisions.

either commit to stay together until children leave home and then split ( can you remain friendly etc in the same house ) or separate now and unravel finances and make major financial decisions now.

If you can’t make it work you’ll probably need to have the kids sharing rooms, but make good use of bunk beds and partitions to give them space. My kids happily share a room.

Are any of the kids getting close to being old enough to move out?

No one can afford 2 four bedroom houses. You will have to compromise and kids share. In this day and age most people with 2 salaries couldn't afford 1 four bedroom houses!

Depending on ages you could take 3 children and she takes 2?

If you can co exist would it be possible to both invest in the one smaller flat?
Then it is an investment but also a place for you to take turns to live in while the parent who is providing the childcare is in the family home (also owned by both). That is if you decide to separate.
If you don't part, you could still own the flat and rent it out.

It is worth trying to work out a HAPPY solution that suits you and your wife. You have nothing to lose and you have invested a lot into your marriage. Start again every day and take it a day at a time. Concentrate on knowing each other's interests and joys.

I hope it can be saved and that you are made more aware of each other's needs.

You've got so much going for you if you really do get on like a house on fire.
Sit down with your wife ( or go for a long walk together - sometimes that makes conversation easier) Talk, and listen to each other. Five kids, working, studying, tight finances- that's a lot of daily grind to hold together. I really hope that this is just a bump in the road for you both.

People will come along and tell you it's doable. I'm in same situation and have accepted, after years of wrestling with it, that we will have to stay together until our youngest is 16/18. At which point our mortgage will be nearly paid off, we'll have saved more money, and we can sell the house and should have enough each to buy 2 houses. It just isn't feasible for a lot of people to be a single income household with kids. There's a minimum amount you need to earn to support a 3/4 bed house and many people don't and can't earn anywhere near that figure.

The rental market has near enough collapsed in some areas and I'm not willing to put my kids through the lack of stability that renting in our area would mean. I couldn't afford it anyway.

Could you agree to live separately but together? Be respectful of each other but open the relationship up? If she wants to see other me let her? Sorry, I know it's grim, but this is just life now. It's just the way it is.

I'm thinking it's her body's last fling before menopause I remember it well it's a really dangerous time. People often have a last child at this time.
It's seems a really bad idea to separate as you say especially with 5 children.
No advice but let's hope you can navigate through this.

I am blown away by how helpful everyone is in here, thank you.

3 of our kids are over 13 and the eldest two are boy and girl so they need separate rooms. The prices where we are remain ridiculously high and impossible to even rent an ok place and a small place.

We had a talk this morning and I think she has been burying her head in the sand over the reality of what she is creating. Let's see what happens but I don't see anything positive at this stage.

This has crossed my mind a number of times but if it is brought up, I am laughed at. She is normally switched on to everything but this situation is so out of character.

No that's certainly not something to bring up with your wife. It may be true but it's not for you to mention. Women really don't like the menopause to be mansplained to them!
So it does sound like you are blaming her for how she's feeling, and she will resent that. As I suggested above, take the time to really listen to each other. Thrash out the difficulties together, if your communication is good enough.
Your marriage may be salvageable but if not, it's up to the pair of you to work out the logistics of living apart. See a solicitor, get an independent mediator and all that sort of thing.

I didn't make that too clear, it has only been mentioned a couple of times and both times when we have been discussing the mess we are in. It hasn't been used as an insult or anything bad.

I am glad to hear that. Are you taking responsibility for sorting out this situation, or is she doing her bit? Does she want to separate or is it driven by you ( understandably) because of her interactions with the other man?

I'm doing my bit but she isn't doing her bit. She wants this, not me. I would overlook what happened to keep our family together and I've said as much.
We are supposed to be seeing how things go for 3 months but the things she needs to do to show commitment to the trial period aren't happening.

She gives the impression that she can trundle towards this countdown and then "things will work themselves out, they always do" over the situation whatever her decision will be.

She is even talking about holidays and birthdays and next Christmas as a family even if we split .... which I've made clear won't be like that.

I hate this whole situation and just don't know what to do. Half of me tells me to just end it before the trial period and the other half doesn't want to and can't believe this is actually happening.

I think if she says it out loud to a relationship counsellor it might help her to think more clearly about what she wants. It will either help towards a resolution or as amicable a split as possible so I would ask her to go to couple counseling with you.