Happy life, unhappy wife

[Lifeisntalwayswhatyouhopedfor]

Hi
I'm just looking for a bit of advice and thoughts from others.

I have to start with this statement - my wife and I get on like a house on fire. We are best mates, have a good laugh and almost never argue. We have 5 amazing kids together who we love without question.

However, she had a bit of a thing with a married man (with 2 kids) at work which I found out about that she says she deeply regrets. I'm not fully convinced I believe her but I will accept this. It didn't go beyond an arranged lunch date and a couple of drunken snogs before I found out but I'm certain it would have gone further, something she says definitely wouldn't have 🙄

On the back of me finding out (5 weeks ago'ish) she has said she's been very unhappy for 10 years but has never said anything until now, not even once. Our youngest is only 8 so that confuses me.

We are currently 1 month in to a 3 month trial to see if we can make it work, for us and the sake of the kids.

As I mentioned, we get on brilliantly but her only concern is "I don't feel that way about you any longer" (we have had more Sexual activities in the last 4 weeks than we have in the previous 4 months) and she wants to separate because of that.

Now, I'm not naive enough to not be aware of the head turn she's had at work. I'm sure it's on the back of this only given she's not said anything to me about unhappiness until I caught her sneaking about.

My main reason for the post is that, whilst i don't want to end our marriage, we simply can't afford to split up.

I am a driving instructor and she's a part time retail worker and full time uni student. My salary can run this house and her salary can support her studies and pay some bills and some food.

If we went ahead with the split, we would have to sell the family home as she can't afford to run it and i would not be able to pay for that and have somewhere to live myself that could house my children.

Once the house sold, I would need to work 65 hours a week to pay for just my accommodation (big enough to have my kids) which would leave me with just £140 a week for food and living. My wife would be unable to afford anywhere. She would also have to pack in her uni because I cover the school runs Monday to Thursday so she can get to uni on time.

If I had to pay for her to live somewhere large enough for the kids, I would basically role reverse and I would be in her position and not be able to afford to live anywhere.

All of this stress, coupled with the fact that at 51 years old I would be having to start again on the property ladder and having to work 65 hours a week for the next 20 years fills me with dread.

I can't see any solution other than staying together. I know she isn't keen but I want to try and sort these issues out and keep our family together, even if it was just for the kids.

Is there a glaringly obvious financial issue I'm completely missing or are we both financially screwed if we do go our separate ways?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

I agree with this. She can leave, dad can stay with the five children and get help.

Stay strong, put your children first and just be the most adult you can be around all the ridiculousness.

@Depositless is right on everything going forward.

It could become nasty from here on in so she needs to be paying her way and you protecting yourself. Get advice from a solicitor asap you will be glad you did.

I'm so sorry OP

I mean…. 5 kids on a driving instructor and retail assistant salary just sounds financially clumsy to me. The real issue here is inadequate financial planning, not sure there is a solution beyond selling the house and splitting the equity. If there is virtually little to no assets to split (I’m getting the sense there aren’t generous pensions to split), mediation will be best and cheapest. Suspect the best place to start is getting the house on the market, but this would be best done in the new year, not sure telling the kids three weeks before Christmas is an A* parent move either. For what purpose?

Erm, I’ve never known driving instructor to be considered a well paid job. Google suggests a salary band of 45k top end, that is an absolute pittance to raise a family of 7 on. I’m starting to think that financial disarray is at the heart of this breakup. Flings and future rental issues are symptomatic of the quite serious underlying financial issues.

That's good that you have learned that. Meanwhile, I know my income and it's much more than that.

But thanks for your non constructive comments.

Perhaps if you want to argue about people's money and make assumptions, offering advice isn't for you

Thank you so much for this comment. It has been so helpful.

As you can imagine, my head is all over the place and I was just looking for advice. Yours is great. Others decide to argue about motive and blame.

I can manage my home and finances alone as I learned two nights ago I don't have to leave (the same as your great advice). This has been a relief to learn and makes things so much more easy to bear.

Thank you again

Without suitable financial planning, perhaps marriage and parenthood weren’t for you? Bit late for split milk though, you are adults and will have to clean up any mess you‘ve made... Your poor kids (literally). My assumptions were based on your statements (how factual they are I cannot say). If you had two healthy incomes you’d have robust credit ratings (these get used for rentals too, you know) and the savings required for future rentals and solicitors fees.

Once again, you are making poor assumptions. Covid happened.. I'm not sure you are aware that we couldn't work during that period.

I'm going to stop replying to your uneducated nonsense now

You can plan all you like, it does not mean that circumstances do not change such as job loss, illness, and further education etc. and besides once the children are here they are here, people do often manage however tight it is

Also there are many families out there on low to medium incomes that bring up happy healthy children. Money doesn't make a happy family, there are plenty of unhappy wealthy families, money just cushions the blows more.

Just ignore the poisoned replies. You are a man on Mumsnet and your place is in the wrong.

Your DC need a steady home. You need to take on the role of responsible adult because your wife is acting irresponsibly. She’s got a p/t job in retail (me too, the pay is shite), she’s 6 months into a Uni course (course fees on credit? Don’t you take that on, it’s her debt) and she’s hooked up with a married dad. That’s going to go tits up when he finds out she’s quit her marriage and thinks they are heading off into the sunset. He’ll be in hiding and terrified his wife will find out. She’ll get no end of shit about this. Keep your kids away from this. It’s not your problem, contract has been ended.

Only YOU can afford that house, and you want to keep hold of it. It’s the only stability in your DCs life now. She can leave. Tell her he’s welcome to her lying cheating arse. Ask your solicitor about a mosher (?) agreement where you get to stay in the house till the youngest is 18 before having to split equity or sell up, or keep and buy her out. Ask about this.

Like I said, SAVE YOURSELF. You don’t need to be nasty to her, just “do nothing”. Think of it like your house is just about to get flooded, or burn down. You’d quickly save what you could. Do this now. You will thank yourself later. Do t worry about the other man, his wife etc. Save your energy for you and your DC.

The other thing is, your post comes across as if she holds all the cards, the scales are tipped in her favour. They are whilst you feel vulnerable and she’s on a personal flattered high. By getting ahead of the curve, getting your ducks in a row, you’ll tip this back. Also, you seem low, and this will just feed her selfishness. If you can muster the strength, get out with friends, go down the gym or for a run. Do positive things. Nothing pops a bubble quicker than someone who’s been cheated on giving the fuck you vibe.

Forgot to add. I’ve got a driving instructor nephew and he makes shit loads of money. So much so he’s bought 2 houses to rent out.

Once again, thank you so very much for your incredible advice.
I really appreciate it, more than you can imagine.
It's all about my kids now and their wellbeing including keeping their home.

I'm not interested in what the ex does now.

Thank you again ❤️

Good luck. I wish you well. You sound like a decent bloke.

Your DC won’t want to play happy families with MM and his DC and so that’s another reason why they need to stay in their home. Don’t give her the opportunity to set up home with him and your DC. They’ll hate it.

I don’t think my posts suggested money buys happiness. A family of 5 children (7 including adults) is a massive responsibility and not one that should be taken lightly, or without the finances to support them. Some couples find themselves unable to split because there isn’t enough equity to make the division and pay for two new homes and the accompanying bills (something the OP has raised themselves). Solicitors fees and court costs don’t come cheaply, if a division of assets and childcare cannot be agreed, this is the endpoint in these negotiations. Current UK divorce law works on a no fault basis, the courts and legal representatives aren’t primarily interested in who cheated on who, just the practicalities, which mainly centre around assets and the fair division of these.

She doesn't sound like she's even interested in the marriage anymore.
As she's cheated, can't she move out? That way the children keep their home, you continue the childcare arrangements and she figures her shit out?
She can't expect to enjoy the benefits of family life with you funding it for the most part, while she gets to have an affair and rewrite history.

No but your posts did suggest anyone who doesn't financially plan deserves all they get and we don't even know if that was the case here. They could have planned for 5 or more children, they might be from a culture where family planning options are limited. Either way it doesn't matter, it's by the by, the OP is dealing with what is now not what did or didn't happen previously.

We never know the full circumstances of peoples posts. It is perfectly possible that financial plans were in place. It is unlikely they took into account one of them exiting the marriage while being on a low part time income and studying and being supported by the other partner. How many couples planning for a family future would consider that when planning for a child 9 years prior to the occurrance? Rhetorical question of course.

It is equally possible that they didn't make a plan but none of that is the point, the point is that they might split as at the beginning of this thread and now have split as the recent posts from OP say and the OP was asking for advice on that, not for hindsight on things we don't even know did or didn't happen.

If stability for the kids is your priority then you staying in the house with the kids and paying the bills alone while she moves out and pays her own bills (including child maintenance ) is the best way forward for everyone. She can look into whether to continue at uni and get help from UC if she quits uni. It’s not your responsibility to ensure that she also has a 4 bed house. Your mortgage payments may change so you can give her 50% of the equity but what she can buy or rent with her share is her problem.

She was not thinking of you when she did what she did and it’s in your interest to try and start detaching. She wants to end the marriage so thinking about reconciliation for financial reasons isn’t worth it. You can’t convince her to stay if she’s made up her mind and are just delaying the inevitable if she stayed for money. What she’s doing to you is cruel and it would be torture living with someone whose heart isn’t in the marriage and would do it again.

If she wants to separate, then in the nicest possible way, her finances and situation going forward is her concern. When I ended my marriage my exDH put forward all sorts of dire situations about how and where I’d end up - basically he predicted I’d be broke and living in a council flat next to drug addicts - I don’t know why as I had (and still have) a professional job. But it wasn’t really any of his business except if the DC were being neglected and there was absolutely no reason to think I’d suddenly start doing that. Do I have less money than I would have done if we stayed together? Sure, but I still have a decent standard of living and it’s all off the back of my own hard work.

Just to add if she wants to end it she can bugger off. Don't let her push you to cover all the bills. She'll be less keen when she realises the financial mess she's in.

Thank you :)

Thank you :)

Thank you :)

I am sorry, I missed this post. They have made that clear already. Thankfully my sister knows a very good solicitor and I have had some advice from her overnight which points to a lot of what many of you have already said.

I am going to stay in my home with our children and she will have to move out. For now, getting Xmas out of the way is my priority so they can have a 'normal' last Christmas as a complete family.

Once we hit 2025, my approach will change and we will begin to make end game steps for both my children and me.

My wife is slowly starting to become aware of what this means for her going forward and I am sure she isn't all that keen on what's to come. I am equally sure that she isn't fully aware of everything that is to come too.

I hate to say it but "that's not my problem anymore"

@Lifeisntalwayswhatyouhopedfor

A lot of women go into divorce thinking they're going to get to stay in the house until the children are 18 and receive spousal maintenance for a long time. This isn't helped by solicitors at the lower end of the market suggesting this as a starting offer in negotiations.

Not knowing your financials very well, the absolute best case for a woman like her in your situation is that they get a bit of maintenance to top them up whilst they finish retraining, provided the period of study is reasonable (e.g. 1-2 years). Unless you have a lot of disposable income every month though, even that becomes quite unlikely.

She's certainly in for a shock when she realises she is going to be financially responsible for herself and also has a share of the financial responsibility for the children.