Happy life, unhappy wife

[Lifeisntalwayswhatyouhopedfor]

Hi
I'm just looking for a bit of advice and thoughts from others.

I have to start with this statement - my wife and I get on like a house on fire. We are best mates, have a good laugh and almost never argue. We have 5 amazing kids together who we love without question.

However, she had a bit of a thing with a married man (with 2 kids) at work which I found out about that she says she deeply regrets. I'm not fully convinced I believe her but I will accept this. It didn't go beyond an arranged lunch date and a couple of drunken snogs before I found out but I'm certain it would have gone further, something she says definitely wouldn't have 🙄

On the back of me finding out (5 weeks ago'ish) she has said she's been very unhappy for 10 years but has never said anything until now, not even once. Our youngest is only 8 so that confuses me.

We are currently 1 month in to a 3 month trial to see if we can make it work, for us and the sake of the kids.

As I mentioned, we get on brilliantly but her only concern is "I don't feel that way about you any longer" (we have had more Sexual activities in the last 4 weeks than we have in the previous 4 months) and she wants to separate because of that.

Now, I'm not naive enough to not be aware of the head turn she's had at work. I'm sure it's on the back of this only given she's not said anything to me about unhappiness until I caught her sneaking about.

My main reason for the post is that, whilst i don't want to end our marriage, we simply can't afford to split up.

I am a driving instructor and she's a part time retail worker and full time uni student. My salary can run this house and her salary can support her studies and pay some bills and some food.

If we went ahead with the split, we would have to sell the family home as she can't afford to run it and i would not be able to pay for that and have somewhere to live myself that could house my children.

Once the house sold, I would need to work 65 hours a week to pay for just my accommodation (big enough to have my kids) which would leave me with just £140 a week for food and living. My wife would be unable to afford anywhere. She would also have to pack in her uni because I cover the school runs Monday to Thursday so she can get to uni on time.

If I had to pay for her to live somewhere large enough for the kids, I would basically role reverse and I would be in her position and not be able to afford to live anywhere.

All of this stress, coupled with the fact that at 51 years old I would be having to start again on the property ladder and having to work 65 hours a week for the next 20 years fills me with dread.

I can't see any solution other than staying together. I know she isn't keen but I want to try and sort these issues out and keep our family together, even if it was just for the kids.

Is there a glaringly obvious financial issue I'm completely missing or are we both financially screwed if we do go our separate ways?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Yes absolutely

Sounds like she wants out but if so she will have to get a FT job.
Your kids may have to share rooms and/or get a sofa bed for the lounge if necessary

try couple counselling, it might work, didn’t for me. Does she realise how hard her life would be if you split up ?
Perhaps she’s fed up with life and wants a change. grass isn’t always greener on the other side !!

I feel for you.

There are some great suggestions here and as you and DW are still able to talk couples counselling might help you both to make better choices.

Realistically you have another 10 years minimum of this situation and will only disintegrate without help and you both willing to make some effort to sort it out.

As it stands I do think your DW needs to be bringing more into the family income. If you do split she will be on a better position to cope financially and so will you.

Short sighted for op’s wife to give up her uni studies if it means her earning much more in the future when their five dc need supporting at uni themselves.

Op I am sorry that you are going through a very difficult time but I agree about there being too many identifying details in your post. I hope you have changed some of them to remain anonymous? Five children to a driving instructor and pt retail worker + uni student is pretty identifying.

Sorry to be so blunt but are you sure you are not posting in order to shame your wife publically? And I hope that your dc don’t get shown this thread.

Also, I know you are naturally very stressed and concerned about finances, but why not focus on your relationship and three-month reconciliation for now?

Extension of a guest room with loo.
Or a small flat and kids stay put in the house and the adult moves around. Would be much more sensible than 2 big houses.
(Although Kids could share. Even if they/you didn’t want them to.)

Sorry for you and anyone else going through this. I second marriage counselling just for the clarification of what needs to be done. She sounds alarmingly unconcerned about finances. Is she expecting you to move out and still pay the mortgage while living on air? BTW, were you to downsize, your children may have to consider bunking up - the older children with a child/children of their own sex. Far from ideal. Or, if you and your wife stay together, one of you in with a son/daughter if the sofa isn't practicable.

Not necessarily short sighted. Many uni courses don’t lead to better incomes At all.

You could save a lot by doing as a PP has suggested and nesting.

Keep the family home. Do 50/50 with the DC week about and whoever isn't in the family home has a really cheap flat or even a room somewhere.

Saves money and is best option for DC. No change for them, no moving about.

To be brutally honest her behaviour doesn't sound reconciliatory. It sounds more like self preservation, carrying on in a part time job and studying.

I'm sorry to say that the odds are that an affair is still happening and you're going through a false reconciliation right now.

I think she's going to have to study very part time (e.g. credit transfer to the OU) and get a full time job. The kids might be better off with you at least for the short term.

I believe nesting works for a lot of people in this situation as previous posters have mentioned. Keeps the kids stable in their home with minimal disruption.
In terms of your relationship counselling seems the best option and a way to work your way through the issues.

How does nesting work when one or both partners finds someone new?

Nesting if they find new partners - well I imagine there be an agreement that neither took the new partner back to the family home.

Perhaps they would take them to the shared tiny home week about?

But generally speaking they'd probably go to the new partner's place or hotels?

We tried the counselling and that didn't go too well.
Since the op, she has moved things on and ended the trial and we have now told the kids.
Now we are working out what we need to do .... I just see financial issues and difficulties incoming and I don't want any of it.

Thank you for all of your advice, comments and help.

I am lucky my sister knows a lot of good people who are offering their legal help for free. The kids will remain my priority and their stability is vital. This legal help will ensure that happens.

Thanks again

I'm really sorry to hear your wife was so close to infidelity. You deserve better than that.

I can't work out from your posts whether you actually want to stay - I guess since you have thought so much about the finances then probably not.

It sounds as if she is being really dismissive about what she has done. It's all only 5 weeks ago. You're not sleeping and are making huge plans for both yourself and her. Maybe see your GP and get assessed, plus ask for recommendations for couples therapy. I think this could be salvageable but not if she doesn't take in what she's done.

While your kids remain priority as they should don’t end up simply capitulating and it’s you that leaves/lives in 1 bed flat/ pays her lifestyle at your expense

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I wanted to say that you were being very prescriptive about the impossibility of the finances and that might be adding to your W feeling trapped. People can and do separate and it invariably means that finance and living situations are worse for everyone. It's just a part of it and it's hard when you don't want the separation. But I can see things have moved on now and I'm sorry to hear that. It's obvious you are hurting a lot. I can see you have support. At this time you might not be able to see how life might be okay again, but you will get there, in time.

Hi OP you are in a difficult situation and I don’t think you’re being realistic. Your wife has been unhappy for 10 years and the fact that within that time you’ve had a child doesn’t negate that. People have sex even when they’re not happy in a relationship and pregnancy is just a consequence of that. What I’m wanting to suggest is that you’re deluding yourself when you say that you and your wife get on like a house on fire and are best mates. It comes across loud and clear that she doesn’t feel the same way. Sorry.

And I don’t think she’s the one that’s “burying her head in the sand about the mess that she’s creating”. Time for some humility and introspection on your part, otherwise why would she want to spend the rest of her life with you?

You jointly decided to have five children. On low income.

At that point, personal fulfillment goes out the window. Until they are raised, or unless a large magical cash windfall materializes, you both suck it up. After that you can divide the equity and split if you want. But for the next decade you make the best of the situation you've mutually created.

And she needs to get a full time job. Can you retrain for something with higher pay?

That is such a Mumsnet comment. Granted, the wife needs to get a full time job but the OP is 51. The expense of retraining at his age is unlikely to generate a return before retirement age and typically retraining means a drop in pay before a rise.

We are not on low income. She is because she has chosen to go to uni and that was only 6 months ago.

If we split, things will become financially difficult as I will have to shoulder the majority of the bills.

We have always put the kids first and I will continue to do so, as will she.

I am on a good salary for my area. But my career choice was based on the freedom I get and the income it brings. But the choice was made to follow this path (motorsport engineer in previous job) as it benefitted a complete family, not a broken one.

You won't need to shoulder the majority of bills. She will need to get a full time job and support herself. You would pay child maintenance if the children spend more time with her. How she manages her money will be her problem.

I’ve deleted my original response as I see it’s moved on from your OP. I’m really sorry for your situation. Usually we see the man doing this to the wife, and I am going to give you the same advice.

Your wife is now not your wife. You are separated. She did this, not you. She’s cheated on you. She’s lying. It seems she’s having a MLC. Did she go back to uni at 45 after feeling a bit lost? She’s had an affair with a married father. She’s gaslighting you and rewriting history. Look up “ The Script” on here and see what parts of it fit your situation. I bet it does.

Your wife has broken the contract, so you no longer need to play ball. She’s ended it, you can’t save your marriage, so you need to SAVE YOURSELF. That means putting a ring fence round any join savings and investments so she can’t take them, seeking solicitor advice and not doing anything to facilitate her affair. So, you need to ask for 50/50 custody. I take it you are self employed. If so, it will be harder for her to demand maintenance from you, but if I were you I’d ask for 50/50 anyway. I’d make plans to keep your house and your DCs home. Look into the finances of it, extending your mortgage etc. Look into and apply for any benefits you can. If you are 50/50 you can look to split the child allowance.

Her Uni and her PT job are not your problem now. She has to find the money to look after her DC when they are with her.

Stop facilitating anything now. Tell her she now has to do 50% of the pickups and drop offs. Get good solicitor advice.

Do not agree to anything. Do not facilitate anything. Just look after you and your DC. If she can cheat, she can get nasty. She will have no hesitation in taking your DC and shacking up with the other man given the opportunity so don’t do her any favours,

I would say the same thing to a woman, so I’m not being anti woman here,

You could both rent 2 bed houses and the kids take turns to stay, girls at yours week 1, boys week 2 etc