How... 3 kids large outgoings...

[Notmefornow1]

I need to leave my husband. We need to separate. We have 3 kids 13 10 and 7. The worst ages for the us but I cannot stay here anymore.

We got together young... I absolutely adored him, was obsessed. He's very charismatic.. has ended up being a high earner but also being very controlling financially and in general. I work but also have to be a trad wife. There is sexual abuse recent history (sleep stuff, I don't want to detail here now). I have recently come off long term antidepressants and it has opened my eyes to my need for emotional connection - the kids provide this but he does the exact opposite.

Anyway.

How do I even start? We don't talk - I'm too scared of him. Counselling seems pointless but is it an important step for both of us to move to the next stage? I see no way back. He probably, in fact almost definitely does, but only because he is used to having a full time maid housekeeper and nanny. He hates me far more than he loves me. He would be scared of the change. I'm not. I can't prioritise him and my in laws any more, it's been 22 years together, 15 married and the abuse and the realisation... the growing up that I have done - I need to be away from him.

The damage to the kids and their expectations of relationships is what stops me from just walking away.

Please help. I may have drunk a few gins.

What do you think your current situation is telling your kids about relationships?

call women’s aid

good luck

Do the kids resent you for destroying what they knew?

Can you get your own counsellor? Honestly, it was the absolute best thing I did.

My kids don't hate me, because they saw what I went through.

That would probably be useful.. but expensive and so difficult as he is so financially controlling

In tears alone.. how would Women's Aid help? He earns 120k I earn 20k, we aren't poor. But I have no control over any of the money.

Counselling is not necessarily the next step.

You should think through how he is likely to react to various scenarios - you walking away without the kids, you leaving with the kids etc.

Would he be violent?

Advice from women's aid would probably be useful.

I don't think he would be violent. I can't picture it because it's so out of my comfort zone. He is emotionally abusive and sexually abusive (when I'm drunk or asleep) and controlling like of my phone and financial. But not physically. I feel like I need a clear plan and just to do it. But I suspect staying in the family home with massive tension for everyone (as opposed to just me) is probably what is going to happen for a while.

Tbh he's probably watching what I'm posting right now 🤣 💀

By controlling of your phone do you mean he will check your browsing history? Can you change your phone password?

My (now adult) kids are mostly astonished I put up with it for so long, and astonished I had so little self esteem that I chose him in the first place once the real post-divorce me blossomed and they saw the woman independent strong and happy woman could be.

Call or email Women's Aid. If you think he is monitoring your devices can you go to your local library, make a new email, and message them? Or go to your GP and ask for help. They might be able to signpost you to targeted help, mine offered a basic 6 week counselling course to help get my head straight and also a social prescriber. This wonderful woman made appointments at CAB, local refuge worker and a divorce solicitor on my behalf as I couldn't do it myself. Any appointments with her i just told stbx it was a doctor appointment. Once I was more stable/less fearful I was able to continue by myself but it was great to have that initial support. I never knew social prescriber existed until I talked to my GP. Make that appointment on Monday and start the process.

Oh... and never have joint counselling with your abuser as it just lets them find out how to abuse you better.

Same.......deeply regret waiting til youngest 18! All stayed with me and hardly seen their father in years, we are all much happier and relaxed😌 just wish I'd done it sooner, I lasted/wasted 30 years😫

Your kids will see what he's like even if you think you are shielding them from it like I did. As mumsnet says, get your ducks in a row and leave........💐

You are being financially, emotionally and sexually abused. Three out of the four major categories of abuse. Women's Aid can help you plan your escape and cope with the abuse.

You need help to get away. I thought my exH would never physically threaten me. Then we split and he threatened me. There was police involvement and DARVO.

The police saw he was abusing me. I hadn't fully realised the extent of it. They suggested Women's Aid. You don't have to keep doing this. You don't have to do it alone.

But how do you actually leave? How do I get a view of the financial situation? How do I know where me and the kids can go? What if he hides all his income? How can I be safe from him while it's all tumultuous for everybody?

I'm pretty sure he can't see my phone any more, a lovely guy in the O2 shop fixed something random then I asked him as vaguely as possible about security and suspecting someone looking at my phone and he immediately got it and reset everything for me. My photos were set to share, my location and other apps all without my permission. I've changed my username on here.

Is there a domestic abuse centre or service near you?
Don't go to counselling with him no counsellor will see you together anyway as he's abusive. It might be helpful for you but I'd suggest right now what you need is practical. If you can, Google your area domestic abuse.
I wouldn't recommend trying to change your pin etc as suggested above as you say he's very controlling and you need to be able to make a safe plan and some connections without him knowing or increasing your risk. Wait until he's out and delete from your search history but contact a service and explain that you want to leave but don't know how.
Your kids are learning awful things about relationships right now which isn't your fault but I'm very sure they'll be glad you leave and get all 4 of you to safety. They can see what he's doing to you and you all deserve to be safe.

He might hide his income and you might not get a view on the financial situation right now but reading your post, safety sounds like the first priority. Personally I wouldn't bother with womens aid helpline unless there's nothing local. A local service will have IDVAs and people trained and experienced in supporting women in very similar situations to you.
The focus right now, in my opinion, needs to be getting a plan together to leave but you'll need support with what is available. I'd suggest once he knows you're leaving you need to go as his abuse will escalate

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. Can you get to a solicitor without him knowing? Can you pay for the appointment without him knowing? A good family lawyer will tell you how to go about it, step by step.

Your children will understand. You really can do this OP.

Thank you so much for your posts leia24. I did contact couples counselling a few years ago when the sleep stuff blew up and yes they said no to counselling. I had hoped we could get couples counselling recently but yours and I think other posts have made me realise it's a really bad idea.

Thank you for your practical advice. I will try to speak to a local service this week. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone but maybe the next big town I can find something.

I worry that my situation is not that bad, that everyone will judge me for uprooting what looks on the outside like an idyllic home. My kids are so amazing. We have a nice big house (although I don't care about that).

I don't need to be in a refuge, it's not like he's beating me. He can't legally stop me leaving and surely we can afford two small flats or something. I need to speak to someone...

You will do more damage to your children by staying, as they will think that is what a normal relationship should be like. If you have sons you are raising them to think abusing their wives is ok. If you have daughters look what example you are setting them.

I'm not sure you quite grasp the definition of domestic abuse - physical abuse is only one part. You are being abused sexually, emotionally and economically, your standard of living does not diminish or mitigate that.

This is something Women's Aid can answer. They will get these questions multiple times a day unfortunately. They will also know about more local and therefore targeted help. You won't lose anything by calling/emailing.

If he's been monitoring your phone and (I assume from your posts) also raping you then you are certainly NOT safe.

Physical abuse often starts or ramps up when the person tries to leave, leaving via the refuge should be seriously considered.

Talk to Women's Aid they help in all sorts of situations including sexual and financial abuse.

I would take the children and move in with family, claim UC as a single parent. Apply to Divorce him and eventually you'll hopefully get a portion of the house, savings, pensions etc. Therapy and counselling for you and the children to talk things through..