How... 3 kids large outgoings...

[Notmefornow1]

I need to leave my husband. We need to separate. We have 3 kids 13 10 and 7. The worst ages for the us but I cannot stay here anymore.

We got together young... I absolutely adored him, was obsessed. He's very charismatic.. has ended up being a high earner but also being very controlling financially and in general. I work but also have to be a trad wife. There is sexual abuse recent history (sleep stuff, I don't want to detail here now). I have recently come off long term antidepressants and it has opened my eyes to my need for emotional connection - the kids provide this but he does the exact opposite.

Anyway.

How do I even start? We don't talk - I'm too scared of him. Counselling seems pointless but is it an important step for both of us to move to the next stage? I see no way back. He probably, in fact almost definitely does, but only because he is used to having a full time maid housekeeper and nanny. He hates me far more than he loves me. He would be scared of the change. I'm not. I can't prioritise him and my in laws any more, it's been 22 years together, 15 married and the abuse and the realisation... the growing up that I have done - I need to be away from him.

The damage to the kids and their expectations of relationships is what stops me from just walking away.

Please help. I may have drunk a few gins.

I resent my mum for making some terrible choices, we don't have a great relationship. Some poor choices she made that I juat can't get my head around, having 2 children (second child she got pregnant on purpose by getting him drunk) with an abusive man, giving up her job and we lived a poor existence, was brought up in a very shouty household, was smacked so hard we were left with red marks, she had an affair and left, us children left with father, que custody battle....it was shit.
Make a clear plan and leave with your children, make better choices for your children as they don't have a choice.

Hello,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence_ Domestic
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Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

The very first thing you need to do is to sort out where you're going to live.

Go and see a mortgage broker and see how much you can borrow. When you know how much money you can borrow you'll be better placed to make an informed decision.

You've said you work and earn £20k OP but have no access to money - does the money go to a joint account that he controls? Can you speak to your employer about changing the account to which it's paid? Obviously this would then alert your husband that things are changing but you would at least have the means to leave.

What is your access to money op? Do you have your own account? You could use some money to get an initial consultation with a solicitor which should come in at under one hundred pounds. Otherwise there are free consultations I understand. Making the appointment is the hardest. But it will be a relief to know where you stand financially. I am not a solicitor but I'm guessing your marriage would be considered a long marriage. Likely all in one pot and halved included pension. Inheritance is usually a different issue (not paid into mortgage etc.) There may be paperwork lying around, filed away, I appreciate a lot is done on-line these days in relation to bank accounts. Money in the house (an asset) that could be put toward a new property. I think you need to establish exactly how much in assets you have op. Perhaps get copies of paperwork. Salary slips and so on.

Talking to a counsellor might help you gather strength to make the changes you need to. You've done a difficult thing and realised what is happening to you. This is the start of things. It takes a lot of courage to make this kind of change but you've realised you need to. Wishing you the very best op.

You don't want to hear this and I know you're not ready but sexual abuse is a crime, as is coercive control. You can in time involve the police which will help protect the children.

You need to lay off the booze. It's a coping mechanism but it's al an enabler for the abuse given he sometimes does it when you're drunk. You also won't be able to think straight when you need to.

Where are your family?

Do you have access to bank accounts or bank statements?

Where does your money go that you earn?

Thank you so much to everyone for posts.

I spoke to him on Sunday night and said I can't do this any more. Made it mainly about his lack of help around the house and with the kids etc. but did also allude to the sexual stuff.

He has gone into full on heartbroken mode and I feel awful, I can't stop crying. He said he can't imagine growing old with anyone rather than me.

He cried on the phone to his boss and has been signed off for the rest of the week.

He says he needs to know he's tried everything before we give up.

I'm so exhausted and every part of my body hurts. It's going to be such an awful few days... whatever happens. How do you know if you've made a mistake? What if I'm about to make a huge mistake and ruin all of our lives, ruin his life, ruin the kids lives (I promise they have no idea it's as bad as it is, they might hear the occasional argument but they would never expect this), what if the kids all hate me?

I have no family near by, only my in laws who adore him obviously, he's the golden boy and they could never know the truth.

Thank you for helpful comments about money. My work is freelance and all goes into joint account. I can access it via cash machine but it never has much in it. We have various accounts but I don't really have access to them, not the savings ones. I have read on here before about getting copies of paperwork. I can try to do that but I am hoping it will be amicable and will definitely use a solicitor... although I can't get my head around how that would work. I could change my pay details but that would alert him massively and prompt him to start aggressively limiting funds for me and the kids immediately (I do obviously accept that we would have to make do on a lot less)

OP can you go and see a solicitor ASAP. If the abuse is as you describe you may be able to get a non molestation order and occupation order so you and the kids can stay in the house and he has to leave, whilst you sort out the finances post separation. If he can stay with his parents or pay rent temporarily then you shouldn't be the one to move out.

but that would alert him massively and prompt him to start aggressively limiting funds for me and the kids immediately

There is sexual abuse recent history

sexually abusive (when I'm drunk or asleep) and controlling like of my phone and financial.

How do you know if you've made a mistake?

^^ Your words. He thinks it's okay to sexually assault/rape you. He thinks it's okay to limit funds so you and his children will struggle to eat. That is not the actions of a kind and loving person. Why do you think it would be a mistake to end a toxic and abusive relationship where he will go out of his way to punish you?

He says he needs to know he's tried everything before we give up.
It is not up to him though. You can end this fake marriage for any reason you like. Move your wages into a separate account, if you have any access to joint savings then move 50% immediately. Protect yourself. It sounds like it is time.

I haven’t read all of the replies but wanted to say I was in nearly the exact situation, down to the financial and sexual abuse.

I left him two years ago. I’ve never been happier: the divorce is proving stressful, women’s aid could help me, and difficult but it’s nowhere near how bad life was.

In terms of the children; it has been hard. Similar ages to yours and some have struggled more than others. But now I can protect them from his moods, I’m a much better mum and am teaching them all sorts of other far more important lessons. I want them to learn boundaries and what a healthy relationship looks like. I want them to know we treat each other with respect, all communication is welcome and that our home is happy and safe.

Good luck; I have a feeling you won’t regret it.

I promise you aren't making a huge mistake.
His behaviour is absolutely textbook, classic, manipulative behaviour. That doesn't make it easier to live with but it might make it easier to rationalise. I promise you that
The kids will never blame you. Parents separate all the time, for reasons much less harmful than this. You deserve to be happy and safe. Your children deserve a mum who is happy and safe. I am 100% a better parent now that I'm not thinking and worrying about placating an abusive man.
You don't need to try anything and he doesn't get to decide when you've tried hard enough- in his eyes you'll never have tried enough to fix things.
Please please speak to a professional to plan how you are going to leave.

This! He's got signed off so that he can keep tabs on you.

Do you have anyone that can support you? Even if it’s just emotional support.
My advice is, having been through similar, don’t let it overwhelm you. If you allow that you will be permanently frozen to the spot.
One baby step at a time. I recommend Citizens Advice to help explain your options, what benefits you are entitled to.
Next step is find a nice friendly local solicitor and take advantage of the free half hour advice many of them offer.
Once you have your basic understanding of your financial options and your legal standing etc you can plan the next move.
One day at a time…