Am I being unfair? Joint custody/new partner

[jugglingitalll]

My stbxh and I have joint custody, 50/50.

My partner and I don't live together, but he works 4 on and 4 off so we try and spend most of his 4 off together. We will have weeks where it generally lines up quite well with my days child free but sometimes we end up out of sync and don't see each other for a week or two. We live 1.5 hours apart so it isn't as easy as just popping in once kids are asleep.

Stbxh is adamant, and has sent a solicitor letter, re my partner not meeting the children 'even remotely soon'. I have said that I understand this but if he wants me to wait another 6 months then can we not have a level of flexibility with our days with the kids, so that I can somewhat align with him. The kids are very young and wouldn't take badly to meeting one of mummys friend, which is all it would be to start with, they've met lots of my friends and my friends husbands etc they wouldn't understand the significance, he won't appear as a new step dad, I did want them to start gradually getting used to him before he becomes a massive part of their life.

If I'm putting the brakes on this until stbxh is happy, I feel it is fair to ask for flexibility with the rota so that I don't have to go 2 weeks without seeing my partner? Is that unreasonable?

I was going to say exactly this!

OP, I understand the excitement of a new love bubble but it's only been a 'few months'. I think you're jumping the gun wanting to move around child contact in order to maximise your time with a new man.

Would you be ok with Stbexh doing the same for a new gf?

I don't mean totally changing the rota but perhaps swapping the occasional weekend so that I'm not spending all my weekends free alone. There has been a level of flexibility on my side changing weekends for ex's work commitments, but feel there is a hesitance to change weekends at my request because he knows I have a new boyfriend.

I call him my boyfriend elsewhere, I thought I'd get called immature for using that word on here so I used partner 😂

Maybe next time ex asks for flexibility then simply use that request to ask for something that suits you. Without explaining why.

I know it's not exactly what you posted about, but I think 'spending all my free weekends alone' is very telling about your life. It is so much healthier to embark on a new relationship when they are not going to be your only life. Otherwise you are in danger of making it far bigger than it actually is without anything other than a desire to be in a relationship, in any relationship.
Spending free weekends alone would be very very good for you, to start building a life of hobbies and friends which mean you don't rely on/change everything to fit a boyfriend.

Totally agree with @arethereanyleftatall . As a mother with small children I'm surprised you also don't crave alone time. I know I did when mine were small. Your marriage recently ended, you aren't even divorced yet, and you have already had a boyfriend for 4 months. Dedicate your free time to yourself and have fun with your friends and maybe pick up some new hobbies. Why are you in such a rush to get into the next relationship? Just land in your new life, make sure your kids are settled and secure.

Your ex (EX) Yes he's the father to your children but he doesn't have a say in who you interior children to, especially a new partner, as long as they are safe around him then that's all that matters...sounds like your ex is just using that as an excuse because he's clearly bitter you have met someone else and moved on

Just focus on your children instead of bringing a strange new man into the equation. Why are you so keen to bring a new man into their lives? Leave them alone. Your children are the number 1 priority. They pick up on the trauma of this separation of parents and the stress of moving back and forth between mum and dad. A strange new boyfriend will mess them up even further. Putting yourself first, and tour children sexond will come back to bite you at some point.

I dont understand people who move from partner to partner when there is a family unit at home that needs to be protected.

The child arrangements between you and your ex should be designed around their needs. That shouldn’t mean that you are both doomed to parental martyrdom. I think you can both get a win win on having some self time on a regular basis. I wouldn’t over complicate the agreement with asking your ex to work around new partner availability. That might mean some separation but you aren’t young free and single anymore. As a parent you cannot have that type of relationship.

I would stand my ground on setting boundaries with your ex on having any say on your relationships and decisions on when to introduce people to your children. It shouldn’t be a point of negotiation or compromise. He should have zero say and you should have zero say in your respective love lives and how they are conducted.

I don’t think giving him any say over who you see will make him more amenable to flexing Co parenting to facilitate your love life. It will do the reverse and embolden him.

Please think of it this way-

Is it a responsible parenting decision to change the routine of young children, in a newly separated household, to fit in with a relationship that's 4 months old or younger? IMO, no.

Should you even be thinking about the point where you introduce the kids- even in another 3 months? Imo, no.

You are falling for a new partner, I get that. But you really need to put yourself in the shoes of your preschool or under age children. In their young life, they have gone from parents together, to apart, from spending every day with mum &/or dad, to spending 50% of their time in a home theyve never lived in before. What they need right now is stability & a solid routine.

Why don't you ask your partner to change his working pattern instead?

Don't change the kids routine.

But introduce them to your BF whenever you want to, and however you want to. Six months, meeting for a few hours in a casual way, sounds fine to me.

From someone who has been there, I'd also suggest you enjoy that time alone a bit more and keep friendships and hobbies going, not just the boyfriend.

Op as someone who has been in your position. One of the best things you can do is learn to enjoy time alone.

your time doesn’t need filling with either kids or a man. Don’t spend all time trying to organise your spare time to fit in a boyfriend of a few months. Build your own life.

It’s been a few months and you don’t see eachother a lot and you are trying to work out how you can fit him into your kids lives or get your kids schedule to fit around his work schedule.

I get that in the first few months amid a relationship it’s exciting and new and you want to spend as much time with them as you can. But that’s exactly how any single parents end up in their next crap relationship. Obviously lots of people have good relationships post divorce. But it’s fairly common to quickly move on throw yourself into the relationship and then a few years down the line realise it’s not actually for you or you missed the signs it wasn’t for you, due to the excitement.

If it’s going to be a long term relationship, there’s no need to rush into meeting the kids. No need to rush into prioritising your time around them. Spend sometime building your own life outside a relationship. It’s honestly, imo, one of the best things you can do.

Op i totally get why it doesn't seem fair that you can't have a proper dating life and trying to juggle kids and ex etc, it's really tough. However, I think rather than trying to change the contact to work around your boyfriend you should instead keep the contact stable for the kids but if you want to introduce your boyfriend gradually you can and don't need your ex to approve that.

It can be very lonely being a single parent, and I really do get it. But you have to put the kids needs first and I don't feel that changing contact days and rushing things with a new partner is in their best interests. If this relationship lasts there is plenty of time to move forward with all of that.

I get what you are saying about introducing the new boyfriend informally and with no pressure. I have a wide social circle who all meet my DS and he did actually once meet my boyfriend for about 30 mins (in other company) only a few months in. DS wouldn't have had a clue he was anything other than another of my friends. They didn't meet again until we were 2 years in though. I didn't want my son being on the backfoot and not knowing the true circumstances. He's my no 1 team mate and my first loyalty and I won't keep things from him unless it's for his benefit.

Please think twice about changing schedules though. My sons dad did this after we'd been split less than a year, because he "needed" to maintain a new long distance relationship. It left DS feeling very mixed up and insecure with not knowing where he'd be when and he was also broken hearted when that relationship ended (having been introduced and got to know the girlfriend a couple of months in because his dad didn't feel able to sacrifice time with the girlfriend in favour of single parenthood). I really regret not putting my foot down about that.

Protect your kids! It's a few months, you don't really know him now do you.... especially if you're not seeing each other 1.5-2 weeks!!! Be a mother