Am I being unfair? Joint custody/new partner

[jugglingitalll]

My stbxh and I have joint custody, 50/50.

My partner and I don't live together, but he works 4 on and 4 off so we try and spend most of his 4 off together. We will have weeks where it generally lines up quite well with my days child free but sometimes we end up out of sync and don't see each other for a week or two. We live 1.5 hours apart so it isn't as easy as just popping in once kids are asleep.

Stbxh is adamant, and has sent a solicitor letter, re my partner not meeting the children 'even remotely soon'. I have said that I understand this but if he wants me to wait another 6 months then can we not have a level of flexibility with our days with the kids, so that I can somewhat align with him. The kids are very young and wouldn't take badly to meeting one of mummys friend, which is all it would be to start with, they've met lots of my friends and my friends husbands etc they wouldn't understand the significance, he won't appear as a new step dad, I did want them to start gradually getting used to him before he becomes a massive part of their life.

If I'm putting the brakes on this until stbxh is happy, I feel it is fair to ask for flexibility with the rota so that I don't have to go 2 weeks without seeing my partner? Is that unreasonable?

He is being unreasonable about who you introduce your kids to.

You can introduce your kids to whoever you like when they are with you.

I suppose it depends how long you have been with the new partner. If you are still in "soon to be ex" stage, then I can't imagine very long. Regardless of any solicitor letters, no one gets to dictate who you introduce your kids to, it doesn't work like that and it's just a sign of someone trying to control you, but you do need to consider your children first and if the relationship is very new, I certainly wouldn't be having the other person stay overnight while your children are present.

For the sake of peace, I'm happy to keep them apart a bit longer but if I'm doing that out of respect for stbxh, I feel like it's reasonable to ask him for some flexibility. Does that sound fair?

You haven't said how long you and your boyfriend have been together.

But.

1. Your ex has absolutely no legal say. You could have met him yesterday and move him in today if that what you want.

1. It is sensible to wait at least 6 months before introducing new potential partners. You barely know them in the first year, because it's all hearts and flowers stuff.

Yes, that would be a fair compromise but is it logistically possible for your ex to switch so easily?

I don’t think you should be equating the two.

A steady routine for the kids is also important.

If you think it’s the right time to introduce new DP, that’s your parenting decision. If you don’t think it is, then don’t.

Using it as a lever with your Ex is not the best idea IMO.

Legally, he has no rights what so ever to tell you when your partner can meet the children. My advice would be though to think what you'd like to happen when your ex meets someone new as you'd hope he would then reciprocate. I say hope as my exH and I agreed a minimum of 6 months. I waited 7 months. When he then met someone, she'd moved in after 6 weeks and was pregnant within 3 months ! I still strongly believe that 6 months was the right decision though as the kids have a fantastic relationship with my partner... his, not so much!

We've been together a few months, I wasn't planning on overnights but towards the end of this year I was going to start having him come down on a day where I've got them until the evening for example, so we can meet him for a walk, or in the park etc, then he stays once the kids go home. I want a real gradual introduction where they just become familiar with his presence and I get to see how they interact rather than waiting until it's really serious and he has to sort of instantly become a big part of their life when they haven't got a relationship with him. My ex is extremely against this and wants me to wait at-least another 6 months, but my concern is at this point it will be a much bigger deal. I'm trying to not rock the boat so agreeing with what he says for now. Our kids are both under 5, so it really isn't an age where they will understand that he's my boyfriend if I introduce him as my friend, I'm not going to be kissing and cuddling him infront of them straight away.

This.

A few months? I can see his point

Whilst he can't dictate, it is far too soon to be introducing the kids regardless of how young if you have only been together a few months. And even more unreasonable to be chasing custody arrangements to suit your sex life.

If this was a man posting this he would be vilified and rightly so.

You will need to find other ways to see your boyfriend when you don't have your children.

I guess I see in the sense of, I went for a walk on the beach with my friend and her husband a few weeks ago. He played with the kids, I got to see how they interacted etc. They didn't come home and ask who that man was. They haven't been confused by it.

I'd rather, again not yet, but at the end of this year when we will have been together for 6 months, have a few casual interactions in neutral settings with my partner, introduced as my friend, so in the same way I did with my friends husband, I get to see how they interact etc. I'm not saying have him in their home, playing step dad, but I'm conscious of wanting to see the dynamic between them before we get more serious. Perhaps I'm missing the mark, I've never had to navigate this before.

It sounds like you are keen on keeping things amicable and harmonious which I think is a good thing.

I suspect if the shoe was on the other foot and you were resistant to your ex introducing a new woman to your kids, you would be met with an abundance of replies saying ‘good on you, stand your ground’. I guess affording him the same angle, he can’t really be accused of being unreasonable, although legally he can’t do anything to prevent you.

I would just wait and do the best you can until such a time as you are both comfortable with the children meeting new partners.

He doesn't have any say over who your introduce them to or when. If it was just an actual friend, would you even have asked him?

That said, a few months isn't long to be upending your contact schedule for. Just bear in mind that what gets agreed now is hard to undo later when people's jobs are worked around it etc-and also sets precedent for what goes on later. Consider your relationship doesn't last, but a year or so later exh gets a girlfriend and wants to suddenly alter your schedule so he can see her. Is that going to be agreeable to you?

I don't want to the be the voice of doom at all-hopefully all will work out well, and I'm not a Mumsnet-no parent shall ever have a new relationship ever-person. But in a bad divorce (which if is he laying down the law already seems possible here), what has been set as a precedent can come back to bite you on the arse later on.

It's far too soon to be introducing a new man and yes kids will pick up on it being different to a normal friend. They are very observant.

Usually on here people say you should wait a year to introduce a new partner.

I think what you're not understanding op is the 'why' of not introducing a new boyfriend.

It isn't about introducing them slowly, as friends etc, that's all fine.

The problem is you don't know him. At all. No one knows anyone after a few months. I'm guessing you are naive and think the best of people, but when you have kids, you need to up your caution.

The comparison with your friends husband isn't the point. Your friends husband is a known person, this man isn't yet.

How long she has known him is irrelevant. She’s not asking her DCs to call him daddy or have him move in. as far as they are concerned, this is one of mummy’s friends.

He’s reasonable to feel you should wait before introducing a new partner. He doesn’t have any right to enforce that so you’re free to make poor decisions if you like…

It is way too soon to be introducing your new ‘partner’ to your children, and I think it’s pretty ridiculous to be suggesting your children’s routines should be upended so you can prioritise seeing your, at best, boyfriend.
Ultimately your ex has no say in what you do but if the shoe was on the other foot on here and a woman was complaining her ex was introducing a recent new girlfriend and if he couldn’t wanted contact schedules amended, 💯 they would be on the woman’s side.
Perhaps prioritise your children over your very new relationship.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm making poor decisions, I explained my logic of why I wanted to start slow introductions at the end of this year once we've been together for 6 months. I have also said that I have agreed with my ex to wait another 6 months. So it will have been a year. I just think by that point he and I will be a lot more serious, and it'll be a bigger deal than it would of been if I'd started slower introductions earlier.

I'm asking for opinions, and I'm happy to take them on. I'm trying to be very thoughtful about how i navigate this. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable and if I am then that's ok, that's what I wanted to know.

OP, your ex is trying to control you by emotionally blackmailing you, I have absolutely no doubt that the solicitor whom he employed to write you this letter will have explained that legally your ex cannot stop you from introducing your Dc to anyone.
Your priority should be to keep the continuity with the DC. By asking your ex to agree to be flexible with the days so that you can see your DP is doing the very opposite to that. It’s putting your new relationship before your DCs needs, and it’s also giving your ex something else to manipulate you with: ‘Hey kids, you can’t go to your mums today because she wants to see her boyfriend’.
I would respond with: “thank you for the letter from your solicitor. As I’m sure you’re aware, the decision as to whom our DC are introduced to is up to the parent that they happen to be with at that time. I would never presume to tell you who you can introduce them to, so expect the same respect from you.”
Then don’t be drawn into any more discussions with him. Make sure you keep a record of the conversations, preferably by email, as proof of his controlling behaviour.

You’re not being unreasonable.

Legally he can't dictate who you introduce the children to or who they spend time with (aside from of course if there was genuine safeguarding concerns). If I was him I'd also be very uncomfortable about them being introduced after a few months, but sadly there isn't much the other parent can do so you can introduce them. What did he say about the proposed flexibility? It's not unreasonable to ask as an option, but if he can't facilitate this then I don't think it means he's comfortable with you spending time with him when your 2 young children are there. Again though, he doesn't really get a say sadly.

Ignore the people saying you're making poor decisions. On Mumsnet if you waited six years to introduce your new partner to your kids it would be too soon for some.

I'm surprised your ex's solicitor gave this the time of day because it has no legal standing unless there is a safeguarding issue, in which your ex needs to go to court. But KERCHING, the solicitor just sees pay day.

I personally think you are being more than reasonable @jugglingitalll and nothing you've said sounds like a poor decision. Just carry on as you plan to - you know your situation and children best, and there's really not a lot your ex can do other than lump it.