Am I being unfair? Joint custody/new partner

[jugglingitalll]

My stbxh and I have joint custody, 50/50.

My partner and I don't live together, but he works 4 on and 4 off so we try and spend most of his 4 off together. We will have weeks where it generally lines up quite well with my days child free but sometimes we end up out of sync and don't see each other for a week or two. We live 1.5 hours apart so it isn't as easy as just popping in once kids are asleep.

Stbxh is adamant, and has sent a solicitor letter, re my partner not meeting the children 'even remotely soon'. I have said that I understand this but if he wants me to wait another 6 months then can we not have a level of flexibility with our days with the kids, so that I can somewhat align with him. The kids are very young and wouldn't take badly to meeting one of mummys friend, which is all it would be to start with, they've met lots of my friends and my friends husbands etc they wouldn't understand the significance, he won't appear as a new step dad, I did want them to start gradually getting used to him before he becomes a massive part of their life.

If I'm putting the brakes on this until stbxh is happy, I feel it is fair to ask for flexibility with the rota so that I don't have to go 2 weeks without seeing my partner? Is that unreasonable?

What would you say to someone who meets someone, gets pregnant after a few weeks then decides to stay together? they also wouldn’t have known the person for very long.

You’re still getting to know your boyfriend . You’re projecting way too much into the future. Focus on seeing if the relationship is worth pursuing long term rather than planning arbitrary timescales for including him in your whole life. You hardly know him yet.

He doesn’t get to decided how quickly you introduce someone.

However, that doesn’t mean he isn’t right to be concerned. But it’s your choice.

If I am honest, it sounds like far too soon to introduce your kids to someone, even as a friend. And I don’t believe your time with your child should be organised around what’s convenient for a new partner. Kids usually do better with a routine. Moving it around to maximise time with your boyfriend, doesn’t sound like a great idea to me.

How long have you been split from exh?

A 'few' months, and you aren't even divorced yet? He's not your partner. Slow down with that terminology fir a start...

It's too soon to introduce someone new, and after what I imagine was upheaval in your childrens lives due to the split with your ex.
Your ex should not be dictating terms but equally your own plans are cause for concern.
It's too much, too soon. (For your children, not you).

If you’d said this in the op that would have helped!

that’s all reasonable

Your ex doesn't get to control your life.

No new partner should be introduced to your children until you are both at least 85% sure the relationship is likely to be permanent. Children aren't thick and a "friend of mummy's" who is introduced and then disappears forever a few months later to be replaced by another "friend of mummy's" becomes a pattern that they easily spot. It does no damage the first time but becomes seriously damaging if it happens several times so play it safe.

You aren't unreasonable to suggest a little flexibility with your ex but you would be unreasonable to expect your ex to structure his whole life around your new boyfriend's work schedule. It would be reasonable to identify one small adjustment to your normal 50:50 arrangement which doesn't cause too much disruption and can be trigged as and when needed.

Your DC should come first - not seeing your boyfriend for 10 days or so isn't a massive hardship if you have your priorities right.

Kindly, OP, you have been together less than 6 months - you may not be together after a year. And you can still do the gradual introduction then, if you want.

@jugglingitalll what you propose is reasonable (some flexibility). However, if stbx is trying to control you then he may be awkward. I’d be phrasing it in a way that sounds more collaborative, at least acknowledging some aspects ‘I won’t be introducing anyone for some time’ ‘I want to keep things separate so it would help keep things smooth for the kids if we can agree X Y dates and times due to my new work pattern’. Try not to fall out with each other or you will get nowhere in the long term. Very hard if someone’s being uncooperative of course. And it should not be all about you getting to see the new partner, I’m sure it isn’t but did come across a bit like that in the post.

You need to tell your ex that your partner is none of his business.

BUT

You are making it his business with this plan to work your contact with your children around seeing your partner. You need a stable and secure home for your children. Your partner can fit in to that. If that means you two don’t see each other for a few weeks, that’s fine.

Prioritise your children. Put both your ex and your partner way down the priority list.

Six months is ok

Your ex has ZERO control over this

Personally I wouldn’t be introducing someone I’ve only known for a few months to my children, I’d want to be sure the relationship is going to last longer than a year and that I can trust them around my children, it’s important for children to have stability and safety even so, it’s up to you and your ex can’t dictate when you chose to introduce your boyfriend to your children.

I think you are both somewhat unreasonable. I don't think it's time to introduce a new boyfriend (he's not a partner) to your young children after just 6 months of dating. I think that can wait.

But, he's also unreasonable to try and dictate a precise time for the introduction. That will have to be up to you.

You are also massively unreasonable to try and get your ex to agree to a schedule that is based on your boyfriends work schedule. Your kids needs has nothing to do with him and when he works. What if you break up in a couple of months, do you want to keep yours and your ex's childcare arrangement to align with your ex-boyfriends? Until when? When you meet a new boyfriend who has a different work schedule? It would be different if it was according to your schedule, but to change it for a new boyfriend is ludicrous.

And it should not be all about you getting to see the new partner, I’m sure it isn’t but did come across a bit like that in the post.

Well it is, OP has been honest about that!

I can really empathise with your situation as I know it’s hard to juggle being in a relationship while having DC from a previous relationship. I think a little flexibility from ex would be reasonable if he’s expecting you to follow what he wants but eg shifting things by a day, not a full change of routine as that would be disruptive for your DC. You may not feel like it’s having an impact on them but you may see this later. My DC’s appeared to breeze through it all but down the line some anxieties do seem to be coming out.
Re meeting a partner, I think about 9-12 months is a good time as you will be more sure if it is going somewhere than 6 months. I know you have likened it to meeting a friend’s husband but it isn’t the same. That person has a context, they have come with a partner where your DP wouldn’t. Whilst your DC are young they probably understand more than you give them credit for or certainly will when looking back when they are older.
I definitely think Mum’s can and should have a new relationship if they want but to try and minimise the impact on the DC even if it means it’s not so good for your relationship.

I agree these are two separate issues.

1. Your ex can't dictate when you introduce a partner to your children
2. I think YABU to want to switch days around just to accommodate a man you met a few months ago. Children should have routine and know when they're coming and going. If you don't see your boyfriend for a couple of weeks, it's annoying, but not the end of the world. Call, text, sext, whatever.

I suppose we all know people who have introduced men into young children's lives without knowing them very long and it has been a very bad idea. Six months a boyfriend (not a partner - you don't share finances, home or anything else presumably) is still on best behaviour - you don't know what he's really like. Keep your dating life and young children separate. If you're only seeing him 8 days a month, you've known him for about what, 32 days?

In an ideal world there'd be flexibility on both sides. But he is showing you that he's not prepared to be flexible.
So keep your routine and don't ask for any more flexibility. If you judge it sensible to introduce this guy as a friend when you're on a day out then fine, he can't actually prevent this. Only you know whether the scenario you're proposing is truly low key. The advice most would give you is that "boyfriend/partner" intros are usually best done after a decent period of time so you know the relationship has legs once you're past the misty eyed part.
But I'd definitely write back to ex saying that "I a responsible parent and i will not be introducing anyone as a partner any time soon. However you have equally no right to send letters demanding me to do or not do that would have no basis in a court in law. Involving a solicitor like this is not the way to get a reasonable response so just try speaking with me in future"

Your new boyfriend’s shift patterns and travelling time is not your STBXH’s issue to solve.

Stick to the pattern of the 50/50 arrangement for your children’s sake.

Decline any formal agreement about meeting new partners, assure him that you will of course put the children’s interests first and proceed with care and caution.

And even more unreasonable to be chasing custody arrangements to suit your sex life

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan what a vile, misogynistic remark

How is it misogynistic though? Do you think men wouldn't be judged for wanting to rearrange contact times so they could see their new partner?

I think you're being massively unfair to start messing with an established rota with very young children so you can see your very new casual boyfriend of much less than 6 months.

Unfortunately (rightly or wrongly), it often falls to the ex-girlfriend/wife to make relationship sacrifices when she has children. Although I know some don't and carry on with a stream of new 'partners' as they're now called.

However, I do think your husband is being unfair in suggesting you can't introduce these casual boyfriends as it is entirely up to you and your conscience.

When your ex has a new girlfriend how would he react if you made the same stipulations ?
My exh made similar demands and apparently it was “ different” when he introduced our DC to his new gf.

Your children are young and have experienced their family home fall apart and their two parents now living separately. That's a bit change for small children to deal with.

I think it's incredibly selfish of you to ask that your children's routine be moved around as and when, in order to accommodate your new boyfriend's work schedule. You've been together a few months, and you're already happy to prioritise time with him over your children's routine and structure.

I agree there should be a good amount of time before children are introduced to new partners. To be honest, for me, this would be part of forming my opinion on whether a man is for me - I.e. is he willing to accept that my children come first, and my time with them is protected and does he understand I will not drop my children during those times to accommodate his schedule.

I think you're being very unreasonable to want to change your contact times to suit your love life.