What’s fair in settlement?

[Divorce4u]

I was hoping for some independent views as I only have friends and family to bounce thinks off

married 25 years. Started marriage in similar positions but I went part time for kids. He is a high earner. Travels a lot. He must have earnt at least 90% of earned income over the marriage.

financial position
house 1 - v good location and value will hold well. Had to move for family reasons but planned to return so rent it out. Rent covers the smallish mortgage. We did well on the property ladder luckily.
house 2 - less good location and a harder property to sell. Worth just under half of other house.

enough savings to pay off mortgages - I don’t have visibility of how much there is

isa - same each

pensions - similar - his is a bit more

inheritance - my parents have helped us a little towards renovation works. I should have some sort of inheritance (hopefully not for a very long time!) but DH will have nothing

I will struggle to go full time and earn more tbh.

so DH proposal is that I get house 2 mortgage free and keep the ISA and my pension. Instead of maintenance he will pay school fees/costs. I can probably afford the running costs of house 2 but will need to tighten belt and stop paying into pension

so should i push for 50/50 or is he being generous? I worry he won’t support the kids past school so uni etc will fall to me.

No he is not being generous.

Legally the starting point would be 50:50 and if you are likely to have the kids more it might be tilted more in your favour.

Potential future inheritances are not relevant for divorce settlements.

School fees can be negotiated in settlements but are usually additional to maintenance not instead.

Oh that’s interesting re school fees. Thank you

I only mention inheritance because it means I will have a little more and as he has earnt all the money it seems a bit unfair to take 50%

I suppose we could take the future school fee amount and ring fence it outside the settlement?

He earns more because you went part to support his career including him travelling abroad. How much would 2 x nanny and a cleaner cost?

True. I suppose this feeds into the reason for divorce on his side as he feels I’ve never been supportive of his career but been happy to benefit from it.

He has earnt nearly all the money. You have done most of the raising of the kids. So maybe he should have all rights to the kids taken away?

Or maybe the two of you worked together as a team as best you could to try and raise the kids and earn a good living between you?

i guess even if I had stayed fully in my career I was not career driven enough to have ever reached his earnings

Your future inheritance shouldn't come into it. I don't know why you mention that at all.

Pensions -- sounds like you can disergard, if you're sure so certain of little difference.
ISA : if equal size, then easy to keep each.

That leaves "savings" and the capital in the properties.

Savings: you sound really unclear. Either of you could have huge amounts.

Are you living now in house2 & do you want to continue to live there?

Would help if you explain estimated value of each property & mortgage held on each.

I need to stay in area of house 2 for at least 5 years. Would not want to stay here forever. I’m nervous I will struggle to sell/take a hit when I sell

i unsure of savings because they are all his! He tells me he has enough to pay off the mortgages but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have more.

id rather not say values/mortgage on houses in case he comes on here tbh. But safe to say the value of house 2 would be enough to buy myself a 2 bed flat in location of house 1

I suppose I am struggling because he seems so certain it’s unfair for me to ‘take his money’ and I really am not a high maintenance/greedy person

It's not for your DH to propose anything. I really wish men would stop thinking they get to dictate and I wish women would stop going along with it or believing it.

See a solicitor.
File for divorce and tick the financial order needed.
Fill in a Form E.

He is wrong.

You have had a long marriage where both of you went in with few assets.

It has been a relatively traditional marriage where he earned the lions share of the money and you brought up the kids and worked as well.

The law recognises the you have both contributed to the marriage and to the family.

The assets are family assets and belong to both of you, just like you are both parents to your children.

He may feel that the money is "his" but he is morally and legally wrong,

Deep down I know that but I guess I’m struggling with seeing my future now and this is adding stress.

I will go and see a solicitor

He is having you on. Please get legal advice and meanwhile do some reading up on www.gov/divorce and on wikivorce. The more homework you do, the shorter the time you will.need with a solicitor and the lower the costs will be for that all important legal advice. You.need that advice. Your husband has already downgraded your contributions to the marriage and family and has almost convinced you that everything is his and you deserve little. Do not trust him. He is no longer on your side.

Solicitor!!

minimum 50/50 financial split. Usually more to the main parent, especially if your earning potential is lower.

Thanks. I will have a look at the sites you suggest.

if we walk away 50/50 I won’t have to really worry about money so I wouldn’t go for more

i know he’s not on my side but I guess because it’s not a really bitter split it’s hard to disentangle

I’d agree with 50/50, to me (after a long marriage) money and assets should get split equally. However, would you then have to pay half of the school fees and is that viable?

If 50/50 I could pay my half with the savings. I assume I would get maintenance on top of kids are with me most of the time?

Definitely see a solicitor. You'll be surprised - as the lower earner you will possibly be entitled to more than 50% not less. And he will have to provide full financial disclosure. If he's offering you something it's because he knows it works in his favour and not yours. Don't agree to anything without advice and don't feel guilty.

There is nothing to stop you insisting house 2 is sold and then buying something of your choice. You don't know the true value of the house until is sold.

Problem is that I need to be in house 2 location for another 5 years and then would move back to house 1 location so seems unwise to sell and buy again in location 2 for such a short period

My solicitor told me courts are very much in favour of fairness so you would 100% get at least 50% if not more. Yes you would get child maintenance based on how many nights you have them.
He's making out like he's generous but keeping his pension that he will continue to top up when you would have to stop contributing is not fair.
Solicitors needed asap!

I saw a divorce lawyer with my friend last week. Based on what she said you will absolutely get at least 50% of the pot and potentially more.

Assuming you are then primary carer you will get maintainence on top. Don’t take the school fees instead unless that is worth more than the maintenance will be.

Potential inheritance plus the money your parents put in largely irrelevant from a legal perspective.

I’ve just sorted the financial order.
My ex tried all the tricks in the book but I got slightly more than 50%.

Agtee with others. Get a solicitor and go for full financial disclosure.
This saved me! What an eye opener it was!!!

I got the house (small mortgage left on it) my pension and a lump sum from his pension plus CM monthly.

Good luck. It’s now a business transaction.
Don't let him gas light you and don’t believe a word he says.

As there are enough assets to meet both parties needs it’s likely to be 50/50 despite you possibly having children more - as yours needs are met.

when you say high earner, how high? That’s relevant

Also, why can’t you work full time ?
can he afford child school fees on top of child maintenance as well as his living costs ?

Thanks

on the work - I am in a very specialist role and if I moved to a more general one elsewhere I would probably end up getting paid less than I currently am. My boss knows I would up my days but the moment he can’t do anything

i also have childcare issues. I currently have a lady come in 2 days a week to do the chores but mainly to be there for the teens when they are back from school/holiday. They are both ND and I don’t feel comfortable them being home alone. If I go back full time I wouldn’t know what to do and if I stay part time i don’t know if I could afford to keep her

He could afford the fees plus maintenance. I have no interest in going for more than 50% as I wouldn’t need it