What’s fair in settlement?

[Divorce4u]

I was hoping for some independent views as I only have friends and family to bounce thinks off

married 25 years. Started marriage in similar positions but I went part time for kids. He is a high earner. Travels a lot. He must have earnt at least 90% of earned income over the marriage.

financial position
house 1 - v good location and value will hold well. Had to move for family reasons but planned to return so rent it out. Rent covers the smallish mortgage. We did well on the property ladder luckily.
house 2 - less good location and a harder property to sell. Worth just under half of other house.

enough savings to pay off mortgages - I don’t have visibility of how much there is

isa - same each

pensions - similar - his is a bit more

inheritance - my parents have helped us a little towards renovation works. I should have some sort of inheritance (hopefully not for a very long time!) but DH will have nothing

I will struggle to go full time and earn more tbh.

so DH proposal is that I get house 2 mortgage free and keep the ISA and my pension. Instead of maintenance he will pay school fees/costs. I can probably afford the running costs of house 2 but will need to tighten belt and stop paying into pension

so should i push for 50/50 or is he being generous? I worry he won’t support the kids past school so uni etc will fall to me.

You need to see a solicitor and you need to have as much financial information available as possible to get some idea of what settlement you will receive. The starting point is usually 50-50 but none of us here can be certain about anything else. I’m sure you won’t, but don’t agree to anything until you’ve had legal advice from a solicitor.

It will be harder OP, going from a 2 parent household to a 1 parent household is always going to be harder both physically, mentally and financially.

You can only buy in what you can afford but other posters are correct when they say you will be expected to maximise your earnings, if that means you can no longer afford to hire help in then that is unfortunately just the way it is.

Don't count on it. The divorce / settlement process is brutal. It brings out the worst in people.

As soon as they realise you are not going to do what they want (especially if you have been compliant throughout the relationship), they usually up the ante and start fighting back. You should be prepared for this.

TBH with the level of assets you have described, I'm shocked you haven't yet sought legal advice. If what you've described is all coming from him, he's trying to shaft you.

I guess that’s what I find unfair. We agreed the kids wouldn’t suffer but they are going to now. And he gets to swan off and leave me to deal with them.

my parents may be able to help me out a bit hopefully but as always trying to arrange childcare will fall to me.

I am trying to find a full time job but my profile is so unusual it’s hard to find anything that will pay at least the full time version of my current. I may need to think outside the box!!

I honestly don’t expect him to subsidise me - if it was just me I would just leave with my pension and current ISA savings and rent somewhere. It’s just these last 5 years of the kids education I want to keep as stable as possible.

I’ve been a bit ostrich tbh. Once he’s left for his next trip I will see a solicitor. Just need to find one now!!

Forgot about any inheritance, if either of your parents needs to go into a care home or need a care package any inheritance could be wiped out. Also if they have a debts, loans etc these need to be paid out of any money left behind. You will never truly know their financial situation until they are gone. There is no guarantee that you will get anything. Don't include anything you don't know you are definitely going to get in any discussions.

I only included it to show I’m not fully dependent - I know it’s not relevant to any settlement. I’m lucky to have supportive parents

Okay, so let me explain how a court is most likely to tackle some of these issues.

If you have the children most of the time then he will have to pay for child maintenance. You can choose to spend this on childcare and work full time or your can choose to work part time. However, this will be your choice and your consequences. So, for example, working part time will still reduce what you can save in a pension. But this will be your choice. If you could earn more net of child care costs but choose not to do so then a court will normally make the financial settlement based on what you could earn rather than what you do earn.

Similarly, they will take your mortgage capacity as being based on what you could earn rather than what you do earn but this is less relevant as you will have a mortgage free house to live in.

It's worth reiterating though that the choice is yours. If you don't think it's worth it, then don't work more. The only caveat though is that the consequences of that choice will all fall on you. He will not be expected to fund this lifestyle choice for example by paying the school fees alone. If you could earn £100 net more a month and choose not to do so, a court might for example still think it's fair you contribute that £100 to school fees.

Would that be net after childcare? Do they take into account benefits as my current place is gold plated and I’ll unlikely get anywhere near elsewhere

We agreed that it was best for the kids to have a parent at home after school. I also need to attend meetings for them so can do those on my days off.

I'm happy to dip into savings if it’s deemed I should pay more.

I guess I am going to take the financial hit to keep the kids steady which is fine but I definitely need to make sure I get a fair setttlement

Sorry I must sound like such a numpty. Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment

A lot of your queries will be answered when you speak to a solicitor. It's worth getting a recommendation if you can, a good one you trust is worth every penny.

It will be OK in the long run, you will get through this. 💐 I am so much happier now and life is good.

No it is your pay, what you could earn vs what you do earn.

Even when parents divorce with nursery age kids the nursery fee’s aren’t factored in (so mum’s typically end up shafted with paying those solo as it’s on “their time” and only get CMS). Yes by having kids full time you’ll be able to argue for a bigger % but the bottom line is they don’t really care what you do currently earn, they care about what you COULD earn. So say you could earn 50k full time but choose to earn 25k part time, you don’t get a bigger % for choosing to work part time, it’s expected that if you want/need the money you will increase hours to earn that.

You need to let go of what you agreed between you when you were a couple. What was agreed when you were a 2 parent household doesn’t matter once you become a 1 parent household, so if that means you have to increase your hours to fund help or continue working at your current wage when you COULD earn more, that that is up to you.

If he is a high earner and you work part time in a lower paid job yo look after the children, it's highly unlikely your pensions are similar in value. He's trying hard to rip you off. Solicitor, form E, let the court decide.

I guess the problem I have is that in order to facilitate his career I have got myself in a position where I am indispensable where I am but will struggle elsewhere. Also doesn’t help that my confidence is through the floor and haven’t interviewed in over 20 years!!!

I guess I need to make a plan for what I will need for the next 5 years to get the kids through. If that means downsizing to release equity then so be it. I will still be young enough to build up some more savings etc after and hopefully I can use the time to make myself more employable

I’ve seen his pension. That’s the one thing I know for sure along with the mortgages and rental income

Well, it depends whether what you are spending on childcare is reasonable but generally yes.

What you agreed when married is no longer an agreement when you are divorcing and it's relevance depends. It costs more to run two households so it might not be realistic for one parent to be part time anymore.

This is why you need to see a solicitor though because your circumstances will dictate the outcome. But one where you have a little job working part time whilst he cannot for the sole reason that he has to pay you maintenance doesn't tend to be how divorces end in the 21st century.

@Mrsttcno1 might be wrong about nursery fees though. I've certainly seen cases where these are factored into a settlement in court. Otherwise, the advice is sound. Ultimately, a court will make decisions to support your needs. If they see you earning £25k when you could earn £50k then they can satisfy themselves that you are capable of meeting those needs yourself.

Get to a solicitor and find out.

Tell him you just want what’s legally yours, and that a judge is the best person to decide this.

I’m a higher rate taxpayer so don’t earn badly. If I have no mortgage I can manage but would need help with school fees and childcare. I guess if I use savings for school fees and cms to help with childcare I should manage. I need to cost it out. I’ll sit down and do that properly

BirthdayRainbow ·

It's not for your DH to propose anything. I really wish men would stop thinking they get to dictate and I wish women would stop going along with it or believing it.

It’s not just men, being the primary breadwinner makes people think they’ve a say over it all, I sat in a pub listening to a friend of a friend explaining about how lucky her dh was with the deal she was giving him, from the way she spoke about him I thought hed been cheating but no, he was making her feel guilty for the 60 hours plus she was working by asking her to come with him to a pt meeting or come to see the kids play football. Have heard another woman since going on about how much her pt working dh and kids got from her, I say there listening and it sounded like she lived the high life when they were supposed to be grateful for scraps. As a sahm at the time I felt sick

How severe are your DCs SEN? Are they able to get themselves to and from school? Will they be able to be fully independent in the future? Do either of them get PIP payments or have educational plans in place?

Fortunately not that severe - it’s just school is a struggle and I’m trying to help manage their mental health. I have no doubt they will thrive outside a school environment as long as I can get them through with their self esteem intact

I’m glad to hear that, as it’s difficult to be a (mostly) single parent of SEN children.

Yes - it is emotionally hard and dh definitely blames me for a lot of the trouble (what am I working part time for if I can’t even bring them up properly?) but I recognise I am lucky to be financially secure

I wish you all the very best in a difficult situation. I'd encourage you to break out of the mindset that your needs don't matter and it's all about protecting your children from the impacts of your breaking up.

Where is his role in shielding them, why is it you taking the gig in your future pension.

I'd also encourage you to catch up on the likely court view of what is fair. Do not listen to your STBEx, he does not have your or your children's best interests at heart.

Good move to start here. Follow up all the links and make notes if you need to. It will be much easier for you to make good use of the legal advice if they are merely confirming what you have already read and digested.

All the very best.

Just realised how many responses there were! Thank you everyone - I’m looking for a solicitor and getting as much financial info a possible!