Divorce grief

[janiejonstone]

Husband and I have just started the divorce process. It's not my choice - he announced out of the blue in March that he was leaving me and our DD7, and has cut all communication down to a minimum. I feel utterly grief stricken. I'm angry and confused but mostly I just miss him every single day. We've known each other since we were teenagers and have been together for 15 years, and I can't get over not being allowed to see him or talk to him anymore. The level of shock and grief really feels like he's died - or the version of him that I knew has died. My mum died when I was a teenager and I find the feeling of missing people very hard to handle.

Has anyone else experienced this and does it get better?

Not only did he leave you, gave you false hope during the couple’s therapy but he further tortured you by detailing all the ways you failed as a partner. What an appalling person he is.
I’m pleased you’ve detached emotionally. Now you know the true situation you can see a clearer path and have a direction. Best wishes. x

Thank you. I actually have a question for this chat which is would you tell his parents? I'm due to see them at Christmas and I know they will want to talk about what's going on. I don't want to have to keep his secret for him, I hate lying.

Yes, I would. You don't owe him anything. And if they want to talk to you then you should be able to be honest. But also be prepared for them to react in a way that you may not be expecting. They may be angry with him but ultimately forgive him and accept the OW because he is their son. It's difficult when we have been wronged and we share this with other people and they don't completely take our side. But they are his parents so tell them with low expectations. Tell them because you don't like to lie, rather than hoping for any particular outcome. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Don't be surprised if they already know. He's rewritten history so will have told himself that all his actions are justified, including his right to find happiness with someone else. If his parents have not been in touch with you and are supportive of him, he may have told them.

I agree with all the advice you’ve been given but just wanted to add that your contact arrangement seems a little shit for you. If he’s happy with that amount of contact maybe ask to swap to every other weekend and a night/dinner in the week. That way you don’t have to deal with him every weekend, get a proper weekend break to start to heal yourself, he has to properly look after your daughter for a more extended period of time which ultimately will be better for their relationship.

Once I stopped protecting my now ex h, it took a weight off I didn't know I was carrying and it meant people could give me the right support. I'd tell them and I'd do it now.

Just message his DP something like;

I know ex started a relationship with Y from work at the start of this year. Please can we move on from this and build a good relationship between you and DD as she misses her grandparents as well has her Dad. Hope we can arrange a get together over Christmas.

Basically draw a line under it and don't ask them to take side and focus on them seeing DD.

Seems a lot of people experience it such a shame

It is so, so hard @janiejonstone I feel for you, not only are you having to cope with losing him, but also having to deal with other people's reactions to it, your DD and his family.

I am a few years down the line from you, and it mostly does get easier, but as with any kind of grief, it re-surfaces occasionally and that can hit you hard. The maxim of "one day at a time" is the only way through unfortunately...some days you will manage ok, some days will be difficult and some days - eventually - it will feel like the sun has come out again. This time of year, and anniversaries, are particularly crap, when it seems everyone else is having the best time...I promise you they are not, there are a lot of us with a smile plastered on to hide exactly the kind of hurt you are feeling.

And yes definitely tell whoever you need to, this is not your secret to carry - my counsellor told me to be honest about my XH's behaviour, to allow me to begin to feel that what has happened is not my fault...and I suggest you do the same.

Be gentle with yourself dear girl, do whatever you need to do to get through this, easier times will come I promise.

@janiejonstone In the not too distant future you will feel happy again. He's the loser and his younger girl friend will lose her shine when she wants a child and he'll have to start all over again. What an arse wipe he is.

I am sorry it is really hard and it is difficult to get through it - but you will .

Be kind to yourself , it is devastating to go through this and you can only deal with it the best that you can taking all the circumstances and factors into account . Do not put any blame on yourself , as you did not cause this to you and your family . Your H did this with his behaviour and continued to lie and gaslight you .

His parents may well take his side . Blood is thicker than water .

I think finding out that your ex has lied and cheated is devastating on so many levels . Sadly so many of us are in this situation . Happy times you thought you had shared with him/ your daughter are now tainted . It is painful to find out that your EX was /is prioritising a new relationship / OW over your family .

It is also difficult to feel tossed aside / replaced when there is an OW . These are all legitimate feelings for you and personally I do not wish my ex happiness . I know I should be dignified , but it is difficult to do so when someone who professed love to you and you built a family /life with - treats you so cruelly .

Be prepared for firsts to trigger you , just like a bereavement e.g first Christmas , birthdays etc . You will find it a roller coaster of emotions . I am further along than you , it does get better but you will still find days when you weep silently for what you have lost / what you thought you had . You may not always see these coming but just be kind to yourself when they do . I found myself weeping at my laptop this week when I discovered my ex had a new girlfriend to add to his previous cheating and lying .

Just to add that there is also an additional level of cruelty in their ability to detach . Look up cognitive dissonance, they are doing this to preserve their own position and self worth . They have moved on and are prioritising / protecting their "primary " relationship with the OW .

If asked, I would tell his parents they need to ask their son about what's been going on and for how long and you'll see if FIL will stand by his word - he almost certainly won't but if your ex asks, you'll be able to truthfully say you didn't tell them about the affair.

Regarding MIL, it's her behaviour with you AND her DGD that will show her true colours. Don't bend over backwards as you'll be taken for a ride and feel evenn ore betrayed when they welcome the new DDIL and rewrite history to make themselves feel better about themselves and their son.

It's human nature and most ex-wives try and put the blame on the other woman - how could she do that to another woman and a child. It's terrible but the fault lays entirely with your ex. He didn't accidentally trip and fall into bed with the evil temptress.

Good luck.

Really appreciate the solidarity, thank you so much.

I really wish I could cut him out of my life, it's so hard to have to try to create a functioning parenting relationship. He currently refusing to reply to my messages (or those from his family) about plans for Christmas. It's now two weeks away and I have no idea whether he will see our daughter, which days, whether he will be doing any childcare over the school holidays, etc. I messaged him three days ago saying he needed to let me know so I could plan, and if he didn't want to see her then I wanted to make alternative plans for her to see his family. He hasn't replied.

DD7 is asking me every day what the plan is for seeing daddy (and his family) at Christmas and I have to keep fobbing her off by saying we're sorting out the details.

He was such a devoted father up until we separated, I feel so shocked at his cruelty now.

My EX has chosen to spend Xmas Day with the new supply and isn’t seeing our son.
He’s picking him up on 26th.

I didn’t think he could disgust me any more but he’s on another level.

i have to tell my son to turn the phone away when he Facetimes for his 3 minute check in every night so I don’t catch a glimpse of his lying cheating face 🤮

i hate him for what’s he’s done and wonder how he’s walked away without a backward glance to his new life with his OW after 20 years.
I still can’t get my head round it!

I'm so sorry, what a dick. It's baffling, isn't it. My best friend said something really helpful to me at the beginning when I was stuck in trying to understand it. She said it was a good thing I couldn't wrap my head around his actions, because it showed that I cared about other people and avoided hurting them.

It really is awful. I have had it pointed to me I can't understand my ex's behaviour because it isn't understandable. Similar to you @janiejonstone

my ex h has invited his new gf to Christmas at his parents and didn't discuss with our children first to see if they were okay with it. They've not met her. Have no interest in her and will be forced to meet her just so they can see grandparents.

Hope you are doing better

So sorry to hear this and I hope that you're now feeling a little better.

I'm newly separated and can totally relate to the grief. It's like he's died. I've lost my best friend, business partner and husband in one go, overnight and it's hurts.
Everyone says it will get better an I know it will in time but at the moment every day is a battle. Emotions are so close to the surface, the smallest of reminders set me off. I moved out as he refused to leave (another story!) and I've never been single or lived on my own so adjusting is tough, but it's early days (only moved out in early Dec).

It sounds like you have a good support network which is so important.

Op , I hope that your Christmas was ok . I know how rubbish it is for the first one . I too experienced that this year , dreaded the build up but the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought .

What did you decide re his parents ie whether to tell them about the OW ? I have taken the view that the affair isn't my secret to keep and whilst not blasting it from the rooftops have told some people in real life . It gives me some comfort to know that whilst I didn't get a say in how the relationship ended , I do get a voice now and to give my version of events .

Be prepared however that although it is very clear who is at fault re how the relationship broke down , that for some family bonds / friendship bond are stronger .So whilst they listen to you , their loyalties may also lie with your cheating ex .

Hope you and your family are doing ok OP.

This is true. I’ve told everyone about his affair & he dared to tell me that I’ve turned everyone against him. I explained that no one likes a liar and a cheat and our friends who thought he all had the same morals and values as them, are disgusted with the way he’s dealt with me and how he’s treated me when I’ve done nothing wrong. He’s deluded!
He's been vile and is now lying to DC about his GF not having a house when I know for definite she has bought one in the town I live in. He has actually dropped himself in it during a conversation we had but is now trying to make out I’m the liar.
i now just have to sit back and wait for him to take the DC to the new house to stay when he’s got them and for them to realise he’s living with his GF and I can call him out and the DC will realise I’m not making stories up.
But it’s hard knowing he’s lying and trying to turn it round on me.
l

Hi Op ,
I am glad that you seem to be getting some real life support .

I think " cognitive dissonance " is at play in these situations . For your H to move on he believes his version of events where he hasn't really done anything wrong and that you are the one at fault for something you did / didn't do .

I know this seems crazy when it is patently obvious that H was the one that cheated here . He will also be in an exciting phase of his new relationship and this will be his priority .
Accordingly neither your nor your child's feelings will come first . I think all you can do is accept that this is the position and do everything you can to protect you and your child .

If you can , I would try and keep any contact with your ex to a minimum and try and be as civil as you can . Not for him but for your child .

I am really , really bad at this still, but do try .

You did not cause this and you are also still very angry with the situation .