Divorce grief

[janiejonstone]

Husband and I have just started the divorce process. It's not my choice - he announced out of the blue in March that he was leaving me and our DD7, and has cut all communication down to a minimum. I feel utterly grief stricken. I'm angry and confused but mostly I just miss him every single day. We've known each other since we were teenagers and have been together for 15 years, and I can't get over not being allowed to see him or talk to him anymore. The level of shock and grief really feels like he's died - or the version of him that I knew has died. My mum died when I was a teenager and I find the feeling of missing people very hard to handle.

Has anyone else experienced this and does it get better?

I'm so sorry @janiejonstone
Has he actually moved out?

I'm assuming there's another woman.

It's very cruel of him, with Christmas round the corner.

He moved out in September. He sees our daughter on one weekend day a week but there's very little contact with either of us in between.

The only explanation that makes sense of all his behaviour is another woman, but I don't think I'll ever find out the truth of it. His parents have told him that they'll never speak to him again if it turns out he's had an affair, which is very unhelpful as it makes him less likely to be honest about it.

I'm so sorry. I can totally understand you feeling a loss, especially as or was so out of the blue.

Have you made any small steps to building a new line for you and DD. Breaking things down into small steps might make things more manageable

I feel you 15yrs 20 yrs friends and boom 💥 it like someone’s actually died

I really sympathise- I went through the same thing 13 years ago (but with older children). It's truly the worst thing that could ever have happened to me (other than the death or serious illness of my own children). It was a very rocky time for me for the first six months - and for a couple of years after. I still think about it now. However over time the pain does subside and you become your old self again. I am now in a new relationship.

I had a mantra to only make decisions that were in the best interest of the children, to be dignified and to be amicable (his was down graded to 'civil' over time). In hindsight these were good goals to have.

What helped was writing down the list of 'pros' such as - no longer coping with his bad points, his family, being able to holiday in places he didn't like, sleeping alone and also appreciating that in life 'shit happens' to everyone.

Good luck - strength to you.

Sorry meant new life.

I too think that it was really unhelpful of his DPs. Do you still talk to them?

Thank you for the support everyone, really appreciate it. I've been feeling like I ought to be further along in the process and feeling better by now, but you're all correct that it's such a massive change and I should be kind to myself. My family and friends have been fantastic (and my daughter is lovely!) but I'm really aware that I've been talking about it non stop for months, just trying to process it.

I have a very good relationship with his sister and her partner, they came for a visit this weekend (without ExH here) and have made it clear how appalled they are by his behaviour. PILs are a different matter, I thought I had a close relationship with them but I've had no contact at all from MIL, despite having known her for 20 years.

Sorry you are going through this. It’s a massive shock when the person you may have felt closest to, changes in this way, so dramatically and unexpectedly. It can feel like being hit by a truck. Grief takes its own time. It’s gonna take what it’s gonna take. I don’t think you can put a timeframe on getting over that level of shock, pain and hurt.

Baby steps, you’ll feel better in time. I found doing new things, meeting new people and doing more activities a god send. Do you have meet-up groups or single groups where you can meet others who have been similar? Being around people who have been through similar can help. Try to focus on what you enjoy too and doing more of that. The pain reduces in time. Counselling may help a lot too if you can afford it.

That's awful of your PILs.

He has probably told them a lot of nonsense and lies about you.

Only been 5 weeks since my husband left and I feel utterly distraught and grieving. It is the same as any grief and loss process. 20 yrs of your life just changing like that!

There’s a lot of us in the same boat as you I’m afraid.
Joining a gym has helped me.
Taking myself on a solo holiday earlier this month had also been helpful. It wasn’t the best holiday because I missed him every single minute but it boosted my confidence.
Take baby steps every single day to keep yourself distracted. I’m seeing a lot more of my friends and I’m making holiday plans for next spring.
I’m grieving my very long relationship, I’m not recovering easily, but I keep the faith that one day I’ll feel much better and more like my old self.
He had a new woman within 2 weeks of our split. I think she must have been lurking in the background, waiting her turn.

Ive realised that 25 or 75, if you get blindsided by your man, the pain is just as deep. It’s absolutely devastating. 💔

@janiejonstone how are you doing this week? I feel such a rollercoaster of emotions and feels like it’s hard to catch a break from the intensity of it all. The tears have been flowing for me the last two weeks and the grief is so real.

Very similar. I've got DD7 for the whole of half term by myself and some of it's been lovely, but she misses him so much and is constantly asking why he's not here. I'm sticking to our agreed lines (that we both decided it was better if daddy didn't live with us anymore etc) but it's so hard when I miss him too, and she doesn't understand why "daddy isn't living with us" means that she only sees him once a week. I can't explain it either.

"Can't catch a break from the intensity" is a really good way of putting it. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning with the effort of holding everything together.

It sucks with the half term doesn’t it. Even worse when they tell you oh you’re thriving you look so well you’re doing great. Mate I’m surviving on red bull panic attacks and three hours sleep a night. You just hold on for the kids and hope you survive it.

It IS like a bereavement, you’ve lost the one person you thought would always be there for you. Yes it gets better in time, but it’s a lot to deal with especially when your daughter is being affected.

If you can access counselling I would recommend it, just having an impartial and independent person that you can tell about it can help you to untangle your feelings. Even the best friends will find it hard not to have their own take on what’s happened.

If you were bereaved nobody would expect you to be coping with it by now. Take time to come to terms with things, don’t make any sudden decisions and ask for as much help and support as you can. Unfortunately you may find some friends and even family are not able to deal with it. The surprising thing to me was the people I hadn’t thought were close friends, who turned out to be absolute rocks.

You will come out of this, and you’ll be stronger and happier but it takes time. What helped me was taking control and making my own decisions, rather than letting him call the shots. I wish you well.

I am so sorry you are going through this heartbreak, it’s definitely the worst feeling in the world and can take a very long time to process and come to grips with. However I wouldn’t adhere to the ‘agreed line’ in that it was both your decisions that he is not living with you. I think it would be different if he was fully involved and your daughter saw him more than one day a week, but why should you have to go along with that. I would be honest, but in a gentle way. Something like ‘I understand, Mummy doesn’t understand either and wishes he could live here too’.
keep it simple, where you are not necessarily putting the blame on him but you are making it clear that you are not the joint cause of her continuing heartache. Sending so much love to you both.

@Glitter0 I have said similar as I didn’t feel I could lie as it wasn’t what I wanted and my son said it was my fault as I wanted it so I told him the truth that it wasn’t but daddy didn’t love me anymore. Was too hard for me to lie.

@janiejonstone its so tough when you’re trying to be a fun mum too with all the sadness and emotions. I’ve had a lot of anger and a friend said yesterday to just stop focussing on what he is doing and shift the focus to myself which I’m trying to do.

40 years for me - we got together at 17. The grief is overwhelming . We tried to reconcile but after several moths told me he no longer fancied me.
4 months since discovery day of his affair. Our kids are young adults . They have gone no contact with him ( 4 months in ). It is hard.

I have no answers just I know exactly how it is. I do have regular contact on various things but that doesn’t help . In fact it makes it worse probably

@Kea6 I have had that too .”You look so well “. “You are coping so well” . “You are so strong” . No I am not I’m not sleeping properly . I’m a lonely mess despite having a lot of friends . I appreciate it is hard very hard with kids still at home too . ( and I know how painful 2/3 hours sleep is too )

It's just crap. I had to end my marriage and we had been together over 27 years. No surprise that two months after the divorce was finalised he's with someone new. It's pathetic how they can't manage alone and he lives with mummy.

I am thriving with moments of hurt but it won't be forever and moving into my new home hours from him will help.

Kids wise -utter crap with them.

I don’t think they feel it as much. They emotionally detach which is something that women find very hard to do.

I emotionally detached from him in a moment. The pain of what happened takes longer to get past. I'm still a bit in shock, disappointment and disbelief I think @Torktork

@Torktork totally agree with this!!

I’m so sorry you are going through this pain, and so many others here too. After 25 years together I left my cheating husband, our lives had been completely entwined since our teenage years. I think it took a couple of years to just believe it had happened and the grief was very intense. I still thought of him as my best friend and the adjustment to the new version of life was hard. The pain and anger faded over the years to a dull disappointment that so much love could mean so little. Sometimes I’m still sad though I feel nothing for the man he has become.

what helped:
counselling
listing daily what I was grateful for
drinking less
exercising a lot
meditation, especially as I couldn’t sleep
joining new social hobby groups to make my new world.

It takes a lot of time to adjust and you deserve to give yourself kindness, and to recognise what a winner you are to overcome such trials and sadness. Your child is your blessing. No one escapes life unscathed and you will find the strength for this.

Hope everyone is doing ok, and thankyou for sharing, I'm really glad I'm not alone in feeling like this. Today, after eight months of him denying it, my husband finally admitted that he is seeing someone from work and has been "for some time". I'm so furious at all the time that's been wasted - all the friends and family desperately trying to figure out what was happening with him, the hours (and hundreds of pounds) on couple's therapy where I had to listen to him detail all the ways I failed as a partner. And all the time he was sleeping with someone ten years younger. I know I shouldn't be blaming her, but honestly what kind of person has an affair with a married man who has a 6 year old child. I can't get my head around it.

But I have now emotionally detached, which is something. I'm absolutely done.