Moving out when child wants to stay

[Bluepomegranate1]

Reposting as something odd happened to my original post earlier in the day.

Marriage irretrievable, has been for many years. More or less been living separate lives in same house for ages. DH wont move out. Says its 'his' house (we have joint mortgage on it). House has come up for rental a few streets away. Considering renting that but would still have to pay my share of mortgage too, on top of monthly rent, til we can sell it. I wont qualify for financial help. Still have 16 year old at home who gets on with his dad. He wont want upheaval of moving as weve had the house a long time, he loves his room and has many shared interests with his father, clubs they go to together etc. As he's old enough to choose where he wants to live, and hed likely want the familiarity of the family house, i face taking the rental and child saying they want to stay put - so will look like (and feel like to me) that im abandoning him. Cant face heading into another new year of this but know DH will never move out. Anyone been in this situation? *My understanding is that moving out wouldnt act like me giving up my entitlement to the equity on our family home but id have to let the mortgage lender know i was moving out

Why haven't you started the divorce?

I think all you can really do in this situation is try to do your best for you and your child. If that looks like moving out then that’s just how it is. All I’d say though is how affordable is rent + mortgage option? Considering if divorce isn’t even in progress yet then it could be months or even years before the house is sold, especially if your soon to be ex makes it difficult to sell.

What is your son currently doing-is he hoping to go to university, an apprenticeship, etc.?

If your son plans to go to university, he might feel less abandoned if you can hang on until then, because he won’t be home full-time anyway.

Could your husband buy you out of the house?

Because he is very difficult to live with and his ego needs to cling onto the status of marriage even though its failed, so will contest everything. Having proceedings underway when we're under the same roof isnt an option. It would be unbearable for me and i dont want my son witnessing that level of hostility.

Yes it could take a long time to get to the selling point, although things sell very quickly where we are. Obviously having to still pay my share of the mortgage plus rent is going to be a big outlay but ive prepared for it and its the only alternative to staying.

I've 'hung on' for 7 years already, til my eldest went to college. Have kept stalling to avoid disruption around their big exams and big life events like both of us losing parents. I had thought about it a lot but dont have it in me to 'just hang on' for another 2 years til youngest likely goes to college.

You would also have to pay child maintenance for your son

File for divorce. Stop giving in to what he might behave like. You get one life. Live it.

DH wont move out. Says its 'his' house (we have joint mortgage on it). House has come up for rental a few streets away. Considering renting that but would still have to pay my share of mortgage too, on top of monthly rent, til we can sell it. I wont qualify for financial help.
Wouldn't all that be the same for him?
If he moved out Wouldn't he have to pay rent and the mortgage?

Cant be done under same roof. He will go berserk - this is something i know, im not guessing - and no way am i letting my child witness that. If ive moved out i can hopefully protect my child from seeing that sort of behaviour towards me.

@Bluepomegranate1 Ah, that’s a long time.

At 16, your son can at least see you when he wishes as opposed to being tied to a schedule. Your husband’s going to have to buy you out eventually then if he wants to stay in the house.

The irony. DH earns more than double what I do.

He would - he earns considerably more so would be more manageable based on his income. But he'll never go.

Go to a solicitor and see if you can force the sale of the house. The court can order it even if your husband refuses. 16 year old can live with husband if he wants, check if he can claim CMS if it's temporary until the house is sold but make sure you have evidence if most of the child's costs have fallen to you previously. If he doesn't continue full time education you don't pay CMS anyway.

You're not abandoning a 16 year old. But do not put yourself in debt by letting your stbxh stay living in the house while you pay rent. Force the sale or he buys you out.

What does your solicitor advise? Mine advised to not leave marital home. By rehousing yourself before settlement, you are usually at a disadvantage when the assets are split. You are rehoused, the other side will need rehousing on sale so they get more to enable that.

Finances will have to be sorted legally. Don't be worrying until you have to. Get all the paperwork you can now incase he hides money. If he goes ballistic, call the police. Don't be bullied.

I echo what others have said. See a solicitor.

Paying rent and a mortgage isn't ideal.

Thats what im trying to say - I cant start the process until im living elsewhere. Based on his previous behaviours it will be too toxic to live together when proceedings start - he will contest every single thing - and even if I could take the MH hammering that would definitely involve, i cant put my son through living in toxicity. I have to get out so i can get the ball rolling.

I already did see a solicitor. They said he's entitled to live here - which I know as it's a joint mortgage - and that usually one partner reaches a point where they feel the living situation is intolerable and that partner moves out. He wants to maintain appearances and will never get to that point so it has to be me if I want this situation to end.

I’m not sure if this is helpful but my experience is that a true divorce can only happen when you move at the pace of the slowest, less willing person. It means a stalemate for a long time, if you’ve an intransigent partner. In the short term, yes, you could move out, but at huge immediate loss (and I appreciate and empathise that you’ve already endured a crumbling marriage for seven years.) You’ve a long life ahead, and you really want to optimise your chances for an arrangement that doesn’t see you leave the family home without your son. My anecdotal observation is that in situations like this, things move painfully and slowly for a long time, and then a switch happens, that suddenly moves things along. My advice would be to take legal advice, establish what scenarios are open, present them, and wait.

You can just not pay the mortgage. There isn’t anything he can do without risking defaulting. It won’t make any difference to the equity share. I wouldn’t worry too much about the being adequately housed argument. It applies in limited circumstances. Your ex is just as likely to be deemed over housed. By the time this is all sorted your son will be 18. Equity and assets will most likely be shared.

But you will need to pay child support if your son refuses to spend time at yours.

Can you afford rent plus mortgage plus child maintenance? Have you had a look online to see what you'd need to pay him if you have no overnights?

My ex moved out and is renting. I stayed in family home and am repaying the mortgage myself - many people just can't afford both?

Tell your son you're splitting up and let him know he can go with you if he wants to or can split hia time between you?

You've given more than enough, time to start living the life you want.

He will be entitled to live there but surely the answer is he buys you out or you sell the property?
If he earns much more than you why can't he buy you out?
How long are you prepared to pay rent and a mortgage and potentially maintenance as well?

And it also sounds like you may be heading for excessive legal bills too.
Why don't you stop paying the mortgage and tell him your share will come out of your share of the equity when then house is sold or he buys you out. Simply because you tell him you can't afford both.
Let's not make this too comfortable for him.