Moving out when child wants to stay

[Bluepomegranate1]

Reposting as something odd happened to my original post earlier in the day.

Marriage irretrievable, has been for many years. More or less been living separate lives in same house for ages. DH wont move out. Says its 'his' house (we have joint mortgage on it). House has come up for rental a few streets away. Considering renting that but would still have to pay my share of mortgage too, on top of monthly rent, til we can sell it. I wont qualify for financial help. Still have 16 year old at home who gets on with his dad. He wont want upheaval of moving as weve had the house a long time, he loves his room and has many shared interests with his father, clubs they go to together etc. As he's old enough to choose where he wants to live, and hed likely want the familiarity of the family house, i face taking the rental and child saying they want to stay put - so will look like (and feel like to me) that im abandoning him. Cant face heading into another new year of this but know DH will never move out. Anyone been in this situation? *My understanding is that moving out wouldnt act like me giving up my entitlement to the equity on our family home but id have to let the mortgage lender know i was moving out

He can contest all he likes but he can't win over the law.

Solicitor confirmed what id read - its a joint mortgage so if payments were missed it would affect both our credit ratings and affect future mortgage applications. They said not to stop paying as it would look reckless.

Thanks. The scenarios are i cant make him move out. So i file for divorce while living under the same roof and endure an awful, toxic living environment for however long the process takes, with him flying off the handle constantly, and my son in the middle of it. He is not a compromising individual. He will make daily life as hard as possible for me for what could take years. That is a lot to try to stay resilient against, and ive used up all my resilience the last 7 years. Or leave now and start proceedings, stay nearby so children can see me easily, spend almost all my pay and my savings on rent, my share of the mortgage to protect my credit score, and potentially maintenance even though he earns way more. But knowing i wont have to be around him 24/7 when the things that will cause him to react the most happen eg financial discussions etc - so i wont be living on egg shells all the time as ive done for years. And i can hopefully protect my children from witnessing as much of the awful treatment hes going to dish out to me.

I mean hes going to make my daily life hell about absolutely everything. Living in the middle of that is a lot even for the most resilient person.

Does your son know you’re heading for separation and divorce?

Then just tell DH that you're moving out and that he's now responsible for the mortgage if he wants to stay or you'll have to sell the house. He earns more presumably he can afford it.
This forum is full of threads of women in this exact situation!

@Bluepomegranate1 What other children are there? If it's just the 16 year old staying with him and other children going with you, he'll have to pay you maintenance.

Solicitor should be telling you how to force the sale not just you have to continue to pay the mortgage.

Another 18+ living away at college most of the year. Solicitor said i can only push for house sale once proceedings have started. I want to start proceedings but cant while living here for the reasons ive explained. It will honestly be unbearable and id be concerned about my own safety (yes people have posted if he goes mad at me call the police and obviously i would, but thats no way to live for years til the house sells, being on egg shells that hes going to go crazy at each stage and our youngest being around it. How bl#%dy miserable and even more exhausting that would be).

No.

You need to start by telling your son. He knows at some level something is wrong. Tell him and that will make it easier. Sleep in separate bedrooms too

Thanks. The 'just' makes it sound a lot simpler than it is in reality. All of this is really, really difficult and draining, especially after 7 years of it. My solicitor has said absolutely do not stop paying my share of mortgage when i move out, that when i move out i should inform the lender that ive left and that im starting proceedings. I cant be under the same roof while lengthy legal wrangles happen about the house.

If you think he is going to be violent then contact Women's Aid. For proper advice.

Part 1 - i cant tell my son that im intending to go until i also tell his dad - which i can only do on the day i go. I cant put him in the position of knowing something that big and asking him not to mention it to his dad. He gets on well with his dad. Part 2 - already taken care of.

OK sorry I thought your DH knew that you were unhappy. Can you at least introduce the fact that you are not happy to both DH and DS?
It sounds a very tricky situation for you. Ultimately maybe best to rent and put up with extra costs ?

Thank you. Im well informed on that score. Not wanting it to get to that point is one of the reasons im looking to go.

There is no way a 16 year old (or the older one for that matter) thinks you are in a happy functioning relationship. Give him some credit and talk to him/them.

If you move out you will loose any power you have over sale of property and divorce. If you can move into a spare bedroom and start divorce proceedings immediately.

If he acts out in front of dc that is on him. They are no longer small children that need to be protected. At this point it is actually dishonest to hide who he if from them. Let him cause the scenes. Just stay present and consistent and do not engage in any drama.

If he is intimidating or violent call the police and go down arrest and non molestation route.

Why should you leave. If you are there you will be able to do house viewing etc and make sure husband can't ruin viewings.

If you leave it sounds like it will take years to sort. Ne of my friends is still waiting for house sale 11 years later because she is passive.

Please get legal advice before you make your next move and make a safely plan.

I have been in a similar position so I know how hard it is. Grey rock him. As pp said, your son is already going to know your marriage is not good. You do not need to pay the mortgage if you do not live there. I stopped paying when I moved out, told the mortgage company he was taking over payments and accepted proportionately less when the house sold. Now is the time to be brave, even if you are not feeling it.

Well i guess separate bedrooms isnt a sign of a hugely harmonious marriage. But its been like that for a long time. His dad talks down to me often which i challenge because i have sons and its very important to me that they dont see that behaviour as acceptable, for their future relationships. DH absolutely knows theres no repair possible, just doesnt want to accept it, mainly for his own ego. He's a very domineering personality and looks like hed carry on like this indefinitely, as we have for the last 7 years (in my case because i decided to keep going til eldest, who doesnt get on with his dad, went to uni - that way i was always around to defuse things between them and for my eldest to get less of a hard time from his dad) to avoid financial upheaval and to keep up appearances.

If DH is abusive and it sounds like he is please talk to women's aid and try to enrol of freedom programme. It will help you process what you have gone through and I promise it will help you feel stronger for what is to come.

Im not a passive person. After 7 years of knowing this is over, ive endured up to my limit to try to limit impact on my children, and to act as a bit of a buffer for my eldest who doesnt get on with his dad. I have the option of renting and retaining part of my sanity, or starting proceedings while in the same house with the hammering that will do for my mental health, still living on egg shells and trying to live around his erratic temper. Knowing i can call the police if he explodes isnt really much comfort. If he explodes with me 121 after ive moved out thats preferable to me than my child witnessing it. I cant do more years of living on eggshells.

Don't pay towards the mortgage, at worst your contributions would be deducted from your final pay out but even that's unlikely from the people I know.

Get the close by house so your son can see you whenever, be available for lifts, make sure he has a room and a dinner available. He's nearly a grown man, he's growing away from you anyway and that's normal.

I agree. Im not naiive to that. My parents divorced when i was 16. For their future relationships i want them to see that there are some things you shouldnt tolerate for your own wellbeing and self respect - and that im not a doormat wholl just accept this treatment forever. I dont think theyll have considered that we might not all live in the family home though.

But, kindly, you have tolerated toxic behaviour for a number of years. They will have friends with divorced parents who spend time in separate homes. They know.