Moving out when child wants to stay

[Bluepomegranate1]

Reposting as something odd happened to my original post earlier in the day.

Marriage irretrievable, has been for many years. More or less been living separate lives in same house for ages. DH wont move out. Says its 'his' house (we have joint mortgage on it). House has come up for rental a few streets away. Considering renting that but would still have to pay my share of mortgage too, on top of monthly rent, til we can sell it. I wont qualify for financial help. Still have 16 year old at home who gets on with his dad. He wont want upheaval of moving as weve had the house a long time, he loves his room and has many shared interests with his father, clubs they go to together etc. As he's old enough to choose where he wants to live, and hed likely want the familiarity of the family house, i face taking the rental and child saying they want to stay put - so will look like (and feel like to me) that im abandoning him. Cant face heading into another new year of this but know DH will never move out. Anyone been in this situation? *My understanding is that moving out wouldnt act like me giving up my entitlement to the equity on our family home but id have to let the mortgage lender know i was moving out

He can't just bully you and decide that he's staying in your joint house.

That's not how the law works.

You have as much right to it as him, if not more because you earn less so it is easier for him to get a mortgage.

Whilst you might not want to press the go button yet because of all the reasons you've stated, you can investigate all options stealthily which will make you feel better. It took me over a year of slowly learning and going through all the options.

Can you buy him out with half of your joint assets?

Several people have said stop paying mortgage share but my solicitor said unless he agrees straightaway to take over full payment soon as i start renting, that i have to keep paying it because im equally liable, but that i should let lender know we're separating and proceedings starting. Have all those saying stop paying had partners who agreed to pay it all? Otherwise i dont understand how this is possible with the joint liability.

My exH did not pay mortgage when he moved out - zero consequences for him. I suggest you double check and challenge solicitor. Yes in an ideal world you would pay it but if you can't, you can;t. Would your H step up and pay both if you don't or do you think he would default?

It is joint and several liability. Mortgage company don't care who pays it as long as it it is paid. If payments cease then they go after both parties equally. Maybe you could ask for a 6 month holiday of payments but I still think you need to rip the plaster off if you want to end your marriage. Start divorce proceedings, move out and stop paying your side of the mortgage. If you are able to maybe offer to cover a smaller proportion of it?

I would think also about the consequences of moving out and allowing your stbx dh to control the narrative with your 16yo - you said 16yo gets on fine with dad; if you leave then what’s stbx dh going to be telling 16yo?

You already know ds will want to stay in his room so he won’t overnight with you at all.

And you’re going to force the sale of this home he loves, that dad wants to keep?
Dad will say “mum is forcing us out of our home and refusing to pay the mortgage, I just wanted her to stay and try to make it work but she’s left us even though you’re in the middle of your A levels which are so important.”

From what you say, you’ve protected the kids from the worst of this, you will be painted as the bad guy.

Don’t you think dh will hold that over your head? He will use it to try and control your actions. He will poison your ds thinking about you in your absence. Your dh will be angry and bitter and I wouldn’t be surprised if your ds is absolutely broken by this experience, I cannot imagine his room will feel lovely and cosy after you have “abandoned” him.

I would honestly either buckle down until DS is through A levels, or I would file for divorce whilst still in the house and allow dh to “explode” then make plans to get you and ds out quickly. Whilst that will be awful for ds to see, he will understand that you cannot stay in the house and need to create a calm space where both ds and you can be safe.

I have. Because DH has always been way harder on our eldest than the youngest and made it constantly obvious that he favourited our youngest - to the point others remarked on it to me. Me being around to defuse things was preferable than them splitting their time between us and eldest having a rough time with his dad without me there as a buffer. I have privately started to prepare to go several times. 1st time my dad died suddenly. A major life stress in itself. Then Covid wrote off a year. Then at least one of them had gcses or a levels for 3 years straight and i didnt want them to have major upheaval during important times for their education. These read like excuses but you can only absorb so much stress at one time. I clung on til eldest left for uni in Sept. Im aware this means they wont have thought this was marital bliss but throughout ive done my best to protect them. And now i want them to see that im doing something about it.

Sounds like youve met him! Yes this is the narrative he'll use with our children - but he'll do that regardless of whether im living there or not. Ive seen friends go through the same blaming narrative. Its awful but he'll talk to him about me in the same way whether im in the room or not. He doesnt do subtle and has zero filter.

Hi, I disagree with most posts, you have been incredibly patient and have done what you feel best as regards to your kids. The stress you have on a daily basis is unthinkable, as people would say it sounds like you have got your ducks in a row, are very capable and deserve to be out of your miserable situation.
I have a niece and daughter both paying their part of the mortgage and renting, they both fortunately have decent incomes. Both houses are up for sale and they are glad to be moving forward with their lives. Neither regret their decision. Continue to pay the mortgage to be able to be in a good position to purchase your next home when the time is right. Get the rental, take the hit with maintenance if it happens.
A sixteen year old is still self absorbed (however lovely) and will want what is easiest and most comfortable for them, I know you will make a home that will welcome him whatever he chooses.
As kids get older they change perspectives and he will appreciate how difficult it was for you and why you had to be the grown up and sort the mess out unlike the burying head in sand Dad.
I hope you have a wonderful life moving forward, you are taking control and are admirable.💐

Thanks to all who replied to my thread, especially those who recognised how difficult the situation is. Those who read it as a straightforward situation, or said I should 'just stick it out' until youngest leaves home, are fortunate that they haven't experienced this. Living in the same house when a relationship isnt salvageable is very, very hard. Living on eggshells is draining. I have had it re-confirmed by 2 solicitors and Citizens Advice that I must keep paying my portion of the mortgage after I leave, until the house sells. So I will have to do that alongside paying rent and feel the pinch for as long as it takes. Just leaving and not meeting my commitments on the mortgage isnt an option and could be viewed as abandonment. So new house, new start it is.

I could have written most of your posts myself! Just to give you some hope, I am now three weeks past leaving…I’m in an Airbnb but now have a rental lined up for at least the next six months. I am in a fortunate position of not having a mortgage but renting by myself and paying maintenance is going to be a stretch. My maintenance is for an 18yr old though, so not enforceable but he’s doing an apprenticeship and obviously not able to contribute greatly to his own living costs yet.

I’ve got a 0% credit card to help and will be furnishing the house on a shoestring. I don’t want us to sell the family home but stbx is being very insistent that he wants to stay (whilst acknowledging the kids (we have a 16yr dd who is with me) would be better with me at home) but also doesn’t want a mortgage to buy me out. I can afford to buy him out if we split assets with me getting a little more of the house in exchange for pension/second property but he doesn’t want that as he thinks I’ll move someone in to replace him.

I’m going to have to get mediators involved as he is not willing to discuss at the moment, but I knew this would happen - I tried doing all this in the summer and living together was horrible and I relented and agreed we should go back to trying to make it work but I just couldn’t so this felt like my only viable option.

I have no advice OP but am coming on to say I admire your strength and resilience and I'm rooting for you!