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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I am looking for advice for my wife please.

61 replies

idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 09:46

I am after genuine advice for my wife please. I have been married to my wife for over 13 years and I genuinely love her more than I ever new. She recently found out that 2 and a half years ago I sent a sexual messages to a random woman on a chat room. At the time I was at a really low point in my life and we were not in a good place in our marriage. I did only do this the one time and she has been able to check this when she saw the chat room history. I have never done it since and it was a genuine moment of weakness when I was not in my right mind. I’m not excusing what I did just explaining the context. I love my wife more than I can say and she pulled me through my depression 2 years ago and I am so lucky to have had her as my wife regardless of what happens next. We have children together and I want her to know I have never done anything like that since then and never will again and I understand her trust in me is shattered. Understandably she is now making up so many scenarios that never happened and its impossible to have a talk with her and that’s not her fault its mine and I get that but I have been as open and honest as i have ever been to her. Please be as honest as possible in what you think she should do as it stands she wants a divorce. I want to be with her and not throw away the years we have had together. I’m willing to do what ever she wants to make this work. Thank you.

OP posts:
Spinet · 16/10/2024 09:50

I must say that your post is phrased very strangely and distances you from the action- 'she found out that...' when the key information is that you sent the messages. I suggest you start there, with yourself and what you did. You can't control how she feels but you can be honest about how you feel about what you did. Very few things are unforgivable but if you think it was understandable/explainable that might be the problem. Asking for forgiveness does not start with 'sorry but,' it's just 'sorry'.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Honestly I agree with her, I’d get a divorce. It’s incredibly difficult to continue a relationship after cheating, it really alters the way your mind see’s a person and now she rightly so won’t trust anything you say.

Staying with you could well ruin her mental health as any time you’re on your phone, home from work a bit later than expected, go on a night out etc, she will immediately think the worst. No matter what you say, the damage is done now.

rubyslippers · 16/10/2024 09:51

She wants a divorce
let her
you’ve broken the trust in the relationship and she can’t recover from that
I don’t blame her

MyEarringsAreGreen · 16/10/2024 09:53

I would listen to her for once. She wants a divorce because she no longer trusts you and she thinks that while she was doing the right thing being a supportive wife, you were getting your jollies elsewhere. Depression does NOT give you an excuse to forget your morals.

Turn it round and imagine your wife sexting some hot guys because she wasn't getting anything off YOU because you were depressed. Would you forgive her? I doubt it very much. Men don't forgive infidelity, their male ego just won't let them.

Original poster
idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:04

I sent a message in a chat room one time. I know that was wrong but i was in a suicidal frame of mind and have never done anything like this before or since. I love my wife and I think a stupid text in a chatroom to someone who I still to this day do not even remember is something that can be forgiven and i will do couples therapy or whatever it takes to find a way back to my wife.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 10:06

idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:04

I sent a message in a chat room one time. I know that was wrong but i was in a suicidal frame of mind and have never done anything like this before or since. I love my wife and I think a stupid text in a chatroom to someone who I still to this day do not even remember is something that can be forgiven and i will do couples therapy or whatever it takes to find a way back to my wife.

The thing is though none of this is relevant now. It doesn’t matter if YOU think it can be forgiven, your wife doesn’t and that is all that matters. She has to be the one who wants to try therapy or working through this because she is the one who’s trust has been broken, only she knows if she is even willing to try and repair it.

Respectfully OP what you want doesn’t matter now.

MyEarringsAreGreen · 16/10/2024 10:07

idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:04

I sent a message in a chat room one time. I know that was wrong but i was in a suicidal frame of mind and have never done anything like this before or since. I love my wife and I think a stupid text in a chatroom to someone who I still to this day do not even remember is something that can be forgiven and i will do couples therapy or whatever it takes to find a way back to my wife.

You said in your original post messageS. Plural. And you spent time looking at the site. All demonstrates a lack of respect for your wife. Why should wife forgive you because of how YOU feel?

NikKai · 16/10/2024 10:08

idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:04

I sent a message in a chat room one time. I know that was wrong but i was in a suicidal frame of mind and have never done anything like this before or since. I love my wife and I think a stupid text in a chatroom to someone who I still to this day do not even remember is something that can be forgiven and i will do couples therapy or whatever it takes to find a way back to my wife.

Entitled.
You do not get to decide how your wife feels re if it's a big deal or not.
Isnt it funny how suicidal men always manage to function via sexual outlets and cheating rather than turning to their wives/ counselling/ any number of normal coping methods. I have been suicidal more times than I can count. Not once have I thought I know, I'll send some sex texts to some random, that'll help!

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 16/10/2024 10:10

You seem to think you are entitled to be forgiven. You're not.

Original poster
idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:11

I completely agree with you. This just happened and I understand she has every right to be angry and I will support whatever she wants to do. Understandably she is acting in haste and again not in any way her fault but also not thinking straight or acting rational. Which i don't deserve but our Children do. Thank you for your response.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 16/10/2024 10:11

What you think should be forgiven is irrelevant. You aren't her. She decides whether to forgive you or not.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 16/10/2024 10:12

She sounds totally rational to me. Stop pretending it's irrational to want a divorce from a cheater.

TheConvalescent · 16/10/2024 10:13

Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 10:06

The thing is though none of this is relevant now. It doesn’t matter if YOU think it can be forgiven, your wife doesn’t and that is all that matters. She has to be the one who wants to try therapy or working through this because she is the one who’s trust has been broken, only she knows if she is even willing to try and repair it.

Respectfully OP what you want doesn’t matter now.

Show quote history

Exactly. What you want is irrelevant here. She wants a divorce.

And stop with the 'I'm looking for advice for my wife, please' nonsense. You're not looking for advice for your wife, you're asking for advice on how to stop her divorcing you. This is not in your gift. She doesn't want to be married to you any more. Accept it.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 10:13

Oo I don’t like the “our children do” there OP. Your wife is entitled to leave if this is a deal breaker for her, it would be for me personally, and the impact that has on the life of your children is down to YOU, not her. Do not start laying any blame at her feet for the consequences of YOUR actions.

OnlyOneNotOnWeightLossDrugsInTheVillage · 16/10/2024 10:15

Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 10:13

Oo I don’t like the “our children do” there OP. Your wife is entitled to leave if this is a deal breaker for her, it would be for me personally, and the impact that has on the life of your children is down to YOU, not her. Do not start laying any blame at her feet for the consequences of YOUR actions.

So true. The bloody entitlement.

EveryKneeShallBow · 16/10/2024 10:15

idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:11

I completely agree with you. This just happened and I understand she has every right to be angry and I will support whatever she wants to do. Understandably she is acting in haste and again not in any way her fault but also not thinking straight or acting rational. Which i don't deserve but our Children do. Thank you for your response.

She is thinking perfectly straight and rational as far as I can see. And your children deserve her to model strong boundaries. You don’t deserve any of them.

MyEarringsAreGreen · 16/10/2024 10:16

idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:11

I completely agree with you. This just happened and I understand she has every right to be angry and I will support whatever she wants to do. Understandably she is acting in haste and again not in any way her fault but also not thinking straight or acting rational. Which i don't deserve but our Children do. Thank you for your response.

You sound very controlling and entitled. I think this is the straw that broke the camel's back. "She's every right to be angry" - that's big of you. She also has every right to end your relationship if she is unhappy. Let her go. And next time, treat your women with more respect.

undripfeedswede · 16/10/2024 10:16

I'd dump your ass today and not look back. Sorry.

Original poster
idiothusband2 · 16/10/2024 10:17

Fair enough I respect all of your opinions thank you for your help. I will accept her decision.

OP posts:
TheGirlInTheGreenDress · 16/10/2024 10:20

You say you don’t remember the message / messages - but she does.

Meadowfinch · 16/10/2024 10:23

You've destroyed her trust OP.

Look at it from her point of view - you message other women, you were clearly looking elsewhere. In her shock and distress, after years of being together, of giving you children and a happy home, she has no idea what else you have been doing.

Other devices, other user IDs, other chat rooms, prostitutes in real life etc. How can she be sure? The message she knows about could be the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn't trust one chat room history either.

Accept her decision. Assure her that you will continue to be a loving and involved father and keep to that. Help her with the process. Do your share of child care. Over time, she may give you a second chance, she may not.

Rimtimtagidimdim · 16/10/2024 10:26

What actions are you taking to help your mental health? Are you speaking with your GP/taking medications/accessing therapy?

If your wife chooses to stay, how can you guarantee you won't do the same again next time you're feeling down? (Though agree with a pp that I'm not sure how being suicidal meant you needed to chat about sex with strangers 🙄)

BobbyBiscuits · 16/10/2024 10:28

I think the way your framing it is trying to minimise your actions.
You say you were suicidal, as the reason you sent a sexual message? I'm not being rude but people who are considering ending their lives aren't usually madly horny for strangers.
She wants a divorce. She doesn't trust you. You can't do anything now to change it but at least you should stop giving off excuses.

buttonsB4 · 16/10/2024 10:32

You are minimising your actions here.

It sounds like you spent around two years "depressed" while your wife picked up your slack, running the family home, raising the kids, looking after you and your "depression", just to find out that it was a cover for you to sext other women and have a wank in peace (because god forbid having to do housework or parenting should interfere with your-wanking-over-strangers time).

YOU broke the moral contract of your marriage and all she is doing is confirming your actions by breaking the legal contract as well.

You brought this on yourself and your children, so please don't try and blame your wife for dividing the family, it is all on you.

ZippyLimeSnake · 16/10/2024 10:32

Any form of cheating is a deal breaker for me & I’d class that as one unfortunately. My trust for that person would be totally shattered & I genuinely would never be able to trust them again. I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship as that would forever be on my mind.

Sadly, this is a mistake you will have to learn to live with & accept your wife’s choice. I am sure this isn’t an easy thing for her either right now, especially as she stuck by you during as you have said during a very low point in your life. That couldn’t have been easy for her, she had a depressed husband & children to look after & at the end of the day regardless of how depressed you were, you went behind her back into a chat room & messaged another woman. You must try see it from her point of view. I’d be heartbroken to say the least & would most certainly divorce over it.