I am looking for advice for my wife please.

[idiothusband2]

I am after genuine advice for my wife please. I have been married to my wife for over 13 years and I genuinely love her more than I ever new. She recently found out that 2 and a half years ago I sent a sexual messages to a random woman on a chat room. At the time I was at a really low point in my life and we were not in a good place in our marriage. I did only do this the one time and she has been able to check this when she saw the chat room history. I have never done it since and it was a genuine moment of weakness when I was not in my right mind. I’m not excusing what I did just explaining the context. I love my wife more than I can say and she pulled me through my depression 2 years ago and I am so lucky to have had her as my wife regardless of what happens next. We have children together and I want her to know I have never done anything like that since then and never will again and I understand her trust in me is shattered. Understandably she is now making up so many scenarios that never happened and its impossible to have a talk with her and that’s not her fault its mine and I get that but I have been as open and honest as i have ever been to her. Please be as honest as possible in what you think she should do as it stands she wants a divorce. I want to be with her and not throw away the years we have had together. I’m willing to do what ever she wants to make this work. Thank you.

You can't stop her from divorcing you, if that's what she wants to do. You might be able to make the process more difficult and acrimonious, but you can't stop her.

You said you think she is not thinking straight or acting rationally. It sounds like you don't respect her. Maybe that's the real reason why she wants the divorce.

You want advice for your wife. Ok

"Hi Mrs IH2. Sorry he turned out to be a dick. Get over to the ChumpLady website for the voice of experience, and don't fall for the script.
Divorce him, you'll probably be happier without. Don't be surprised if he quits his job with "depression" to avoid paying CM though. Or wants 50:50 custody to wriggle out of CM, but ends up not taking the children when when was meant to or leaving them watching TV all day while he sadwanks upstairs. Good luck."

There is absolutely nothing irrational in wanting a divorce from someone who has betrayed your trust. Who has done something you never, ever thought they were capable of. It would change how you feel about them, the respect you have for them, the trust you have in them. Suddenly, they are no longer your partner, you're not a team. They're now someone who is capable of betraying you and hurting you deeply. Sometimes people can come back from this, but it's not irrational in the slightest to not be able to or even not to want to. The fact that you think your wife is irrational is a good indication that you will never do the work required to help her trust you again or see you as being a team again.

Your wife looks at all the time you were depressed and she was dealing with you, the kids, life etc and you were messaging another woman.

Because wife wasn’t supportive of you in your depression … probably because she was cooking, cleaning, paying bills, school run, shopping, washing, ironing, Christmas, birthdays, bedtimes etc. This is the support she was providing op… whilst you were depressed but not TOO depressed to message another woman.

you are taking no responsibility for your actions and think your wife is over reacting… I’d walk too. It’s not the text it’s everything else

Maybe the question you should ask yourself is, why is remaining in the marriage the rationale choice for your wife? What's in it for her?

What did the message say? I can't imagine a sane woman throwing her marriage out of the window over a few texts, especially with kids involved. You say she is inventing scenarios ... what scenarios? She must have a reason not to believe you.

"Your comment was just a complement, an appreciation as you were in a chat room seeking help,"
It doesn't really pass The Rock test does it?

I had to look up what The Rock Test was. It is a brilliant idea.

@idiothusband2 You may well not return to this thread but I hope you get to read this. I’m
going to go against the grain here. Your wife is entitled to react as she does and it will have hurt her to read what she read, it’s up to her how she decides to come to terms with it. But for what it’s worth, you’re not a criminal. You reached out for human connection and escape when you were at a low point. You’re only human and we all do things when we’re low or lonely. Chat rooms provide an anonymous escape and fantasy and you needed it in that moment. You clearly hadn’t formed a long lasting emotional bond with this woman, it was a moment of fantasy within the ‘safe’ confines of a chat room rather than real life. Please don’t beat yourself up about it, while most women on here get the pitch forks out in a moment, some of us do understand the nuances and complexities of human relationships. I do hope your relationship is salvageable because you clearly do love her.