I am looking for advice for my wife please.

[idiothusband2]

I am after genuine advice for my wife please. I have been married to my wife for over 13 years and I genuinely love her more than I ever new. She recently found out that 2 and a half years ago I sent a sexual messages to a random woman on a chat room. At the time I was at a really low point in my life and we were not in a good place in our marriage. I did only do this the one time and she has been able to check this when she saw the chat room history. I have never done it since and it was a genuine moment of weakness when I was not in my right mind. I’m not excusing what I did just explaining the context. I love my wife more than I can say and she pulled me through my depression 2 years ago and I am so lucky to have had her as my wife regardless of what happens next. We have children together and I want her to know I have never done anything like that since then and never will again and I understand her trust in me is shattered. Understandably she is now making up so many scenarios that never happened and its impossible to have a talk with her and that’s not her fault its mine and I get that but I have been as open and honest as i have ever been to her. Please be as honest as possible in what you think she should do as it stands she wants a divorce. I want to be with her and not throw away the years we have had together. I’m willing to do what ever she wants to make this work. Thank you.

You have no choice but to accept her decision. You aren't doing her a favour saying you'll accept it.

We were in a bad place and I wanted to leave her. I was Suicidal as I had lost my job my wife wasn't at the time supporting me and saw no way through it. I am so much better now and this happened 2 and a half years ago. We have been stronger than ever since then and then she found this message. I have shown her all my history on the websites which we sat down and went through for hours to see all the chats over the last few years and there was only one message that was of a sexual nature. I have never met, spoke or touched another woman and never would. It was a stupid message that i sent.

What are we supposed to do? She’s made up her mind.

Did you think of your children before you tried to get your dick wet with another woman?

Then you should have left her. Instead what you’re not seeming to realise is you went behind her back, you broke her trust. & then for the last 2 & a half years you have pretended like it never happened. You messaged another woman sexually, that’s completely unacceptable when you’re in a relationship with another person.

Tell her to post on her own behalf and then she can get support on here without being subjected to your side of the story and attempts to excuse your actions.

I will give you some advice though, which is that no one is entitled to a relationship nor does anyone need a "good" reason to end one. You may think that your wife would be unreasonable to end your marriage over one text, but if the upshot of that and everything else going on is that she no longer wants to be in this marriage, you have to respect her wishes, hard as it may be.

You’ve broken the trust that a marriage contract implies, and that makes you, fundamentally, a liar. And you did it in a way which there’s no coming back from. Honestly, ‘I was so depressed that I tried to have sex with another woman than my wife’ is not something that many therapists will have heard. Why would your wife want to stay with someone who values her and your marriage so little? And why would anyone want their children to be influenced by someone who is dishonest and doesn’t respect their mother? You’ve failed to keep your end of the contract, and now you don’t get a say in what transpires. I am very glad to see that your wife values herself more highly than you do.

OP

I would suggest that if you are ever in a position where your wife feels like listening to you that you refrain from using the expression 'I knew it was wrong but".

It was wrong. No buts.

That is what you need to accept.

After that, you need to accept what your wife thinks of it.

I would suggest that it would be more helpful for your wife to have her own thread.

You're not looking for help for your wife, you're looking for help for yourself.

You won't fix this if you can't be honest, both with her and with yourself.

Why didn't you call the Samaritans like everyone else suicidal? What did you think that messaging a stranger in a sex chat room would do for your mental health?

Given those two questions, I'd be disbelieving the depression excuse too, if I was your wife.

I never tried to have sex with anyone. In fact the exact text i sent was "You have a beautiful voice" as she was talking in a public chat room for suicidal help. That is the text that my wife now wants a divorce for.

What sort of idiot are you that, when someone is telling you they want to end their life, you decide to bring up how attractive their voice is? It’s the definition of hearing what someone says as opposed to listening to their words. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what you’re doing on this thread.

Why do you want your wife to be "wrong" and you to be "right"? Relationships don't work like that, they're voluntary. She doesn't want to be in one with you and she doesn't have to justify herself.

Respectfully, OP, she's divorcing you, not a text. And I can see why. You keep saying she's 'not acting rationally' and 'not thinking straight', then you say you were suicidal after losing your job and you sent a text complimenting a random online for her voice because your wife 'wasn't supporting you' and that you wanted to leave her. Maybe she just wants a quiet life without someone who appears to struggle with theory of mind and with taking responsibility for his own actions around.

Eurgh that's even creepier than being in a sex chat. Also creepy is the way you patronise your wife and try to paint her as some hysterical woman. She's well rid of you.

This. You sound like hard work and maybe she thinks she'd be happier without you around.

So she can see what you wrote in an environment where you could also talk with voices to each other? But she can't hear the sound because those would be huge files, too big for the chat room to save them.

Either: nothing happened, in which case why do you want to stay married to someone who thinks you've done something so serious when you've not done it?

Or: something did happen.

Either way, this is not fixable.

What have you actioned to try and resolve this situation?

I can see why you think one stupid text can be forgiven but have you seen it from her side? How would you feel, after helping her through depression that she messaged another man like that? What would she need to do to prove it was a mistake and loves you? Put yourself in that mind frame and find way to show her what you actually feel and mean.

Give her the divorce she wants, you fucked this up and now these are the consequences.

I don’t know you, I don’t know your wife. I am pretty confident however the text isn’t the problem. I imagine she’s just had enough. Do you always say she isn’t thinking straight when she goes against what you believe to be correct? Funny, years of being told you’re irrational, you’re too emotional, too sensitive whatever the phrase might be, you do just have enough.

when I met my ex he told me his wife ending it over teabags, I just knew as woman it was the teabags. The teabags was the final example of his selfish lazy arse and it was just enough.

she may not want to share with you the reasons why it’s her enough but it is. Sadly you will need to accept it’s done. It won’t work when it’s single sided

Exactly my thoughts. I imagine this was just the last straw.

OMG I did not even spot that aspect of it. (I'm blaming autism for that.) But yeah, you're right. You wouldn't say to someone about to jump off a parapet, "hey, nice butt".

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp springs to mind.

You're still minimising it. It sounds like what happened is all tied up in how you were feeling then, how you felt she wasn't supporting you, which maybe you have never talked about, and what you needed from her that she didn't give. The story will be different from her perspective; she probably had her head down trying to get through with the kids until you were able to join her again. She maybe feels betrayed because of that.

No way of knowing any of that without having a conversation though. You're trying to change consequences of things without looking at the things themselves. However, it may be too late to have this conversation. It may be that neither of you can support the other in the way you would each like anyway. In that case you will have to accept that it's not a punishment for your action, she just doesn't want to be married to you any more.

So let me get this straight… You were on a online chat room… For suicidal help & during your moment of need for feeling as you have said, suicidal, you tell a woman her voice is beautiful? Make it make sense?