Violent/Alcoholoc - Should I get him to leave

[Nats198415090]

Hi Guys,

I have a really, REALLY long story to tell :( I have been with my partner for 12 years. We were together when we were younger but split and then got back together a few years later. We own our house (we have a mortgage still) and have 1 daughter who is 6.
He has always been a drinker. Some days worse than others but I (stupidly) thought he might change once he was a Father. We both work full time and I have had 6 years of the following;
He drinks between 6-10 cans every Friday night at home. On a Saturday he goes out about 11:30 and most weeks now doesn't come home until early hours of the Sunday morning. On Sunday he goes out about 10:30 and comes home about 3:30-4pm. Every time, he is at the pub the entire time. I stay home with our daughter and take her where she needs to go e.g. swimming, birthday parties, to get clothes etc she needs.
I have had one night away in these 6 years (when my daughter was about 10 months old). I can't trust him to have her as he has shouted at her a lot in the past and made her cry. He is very harsh and because she is like him she answers back. He has come close to hitting her before and has screamed in her face and this is just what I have been there for. He said last weekend that he wishes we never had her and she is the worst decision he ever made :(
We recently got my daughter a kitten for her birthday. Last weekend he was angry because I didn't pick him up from the pub when it was raining (I had years of picking him up and waiting outside with my daughter for him, sometimes to say he's changed his mind and he's staying out when I've dragged her out in the cold). He was fuming and he said everything is shit because of the cat. She is a housecat and he said if I had to be out in the rain so should she had chased her and grabbed her to throw her out. I literally had to tackle him to the ground to get him to stop. My daughter said if you don't like it why don't you leave Daddy. The cat, and I, were terrified as he got right in my face and I said you need to leave and he smirked and said don;t you ever f tell me to leave my house again!
He has said he hates the house, hates coming home, has called me a lazy c* on multiple occasions.
He has got mad because I compared him to his Dad and he pushed me down on the bed with the pillow on my face. He said it was nothing and he hardly did anything. He has also had a bad dream in the night where I was cheating on him and woke up and punched me in the chest while I was asleep.
He breaks promises to me and our daughter constantly. He promises her he will come watch her swim, he doesn't. he promises me he will be back at a certain time, he is not. He asks me where his clothes are for work and assumes I should have washed and ironed them, although wouldn't do the same for me.
He says now that the issue is that my Mum is here a lot. I am very close to my family, he is not close to his. My Mum does the school pick up and drop off and had my daughter a lot so I could go back to work full time. I admit she was here a lt, but we changed it to just two nights a week where she has dinner then helps me bath and get my daughter in bed as he wont do that. He wont wash her clothes, he won't iron them, he wont bath her or dry her or help her get dressed.
He has in the past admitted to taking coke and stayed out all night once when I was meant to be going out the next day on my own but I took my daughter with me as he admitted taking it and drinking all night and no way am I leaving her with someone that would do that.
He has now said he doesn't want my family here at all and if they are, he will be in the pub. He has said he is an alcoholic, but I need to help him. I have said he needs to speak to the GP to see what to do next, but he wont. I think it's so he can continue but blame me for it all.
I'm so over it all now. The thing is I have asked him to leave many times and he talks me round. I feel so guilty because he makes me feel like he'll be sad and my daughter was crying and begging me not to make him go the last time so I just gave in.
I'm so tired and need to do what is right for me and my daughter. I don't want her thinking that drinking like that and arguing with a man is the way to have a relationship!
How do i do what is right and how do I stay strong doing it? I have the means to buy him out, but can't make him leave can I? I really care about him but I can;t do it to my daughter anymore as it seems to me to be very damaging to her :)
Do I leave and go to my parents until he can find somewhere else to go as I am worried I'll just get talked around again if I stay.
Or, am I being unreasonable and should stay to help him?
Thanks so much for reading (if you're still here) :)

Contact Blue Cross. They may be able to house the cat while you and your daughter go to a refuge.

Because you have to leave. Never mind the alcohol, this man is violent, dangerous abuser. Report the pillow incident to the police.

Start planning your departure by talking to Women's Aid.

Agree with pp, please make a plan to leave as safely and as quickly as you can. Everything else can be sorted out later. His behaviour is dangerous, intolerable, utterly unacceptable and very very unlikely to improve.

This man is dangerous, unpredictable and escalating. Please speak to the police about the pillow incident, he could have killed you. They can advise if you can get him excluded from the property. I had police involvement, they can put a DV flag on your address so you get a rapid response in case of emergency.

Speak also to Women's Aid / Refuge about leaving safely. Do this as a matter of urgency. They can help you plan and support you.

If at any time you feel in danger, please call 999 without hesitation.

Thank you to those who have commented :)
I have been made to feel and I think made myself believe that these were insignificant outbursts as he didn't really hurt me. He is a nice person some of the time which is what makes it all so difficult. I have asked him to leave a few times and he just comes back as he says he has nowhere to go.
If I take myself and my daughter (and the cat of course) to my parents, and then go from there with regards to buying him out, he wont have any more rights over the house than me will he?
I can just see him being very difficult and trying to get me to change my mind for the months it will possibly take to sort the house and I just don;t have the strength for it. Seems unfair three of us going to one room at my folks (I'll be on the floor) but it beats the alternative I guess?
My daughter last time was sobbing at the thought of him going and that's part of what made me change my mind and stay :( I know she'll be he same again as he has been getting her to cuddle him on the sofa and giving her treats and watching Disney films with her yesterday (before passing out) and he has just said to me on the phone that even Christmas Day he will stay out until my family have gone :(
I'm so weak and know I will probably give in though :(

Speak to Women's Aid, read them this. They need to know you are in physical danger and they can help. You need to leave. The house can be dealt with later. Speak to a solicitor if you think it would help to understand the options, speak to the GP if you are anxious. Tell them all the background too. Speak to the safeguarding lead at your daughters school. Your daughter is upset as she doesn't know a different normal. You can show her that normal. The more people you tell, the easier it will be to leave as it will become real. You have got this.

Pick up your dd and leave today.

You cannot help or cure him.
You need to leave before you dd or cat is seriously hurt. One of you will be very soon

Please take your DD and the cat and go to your parents. It isn't the drinking, he is abusing you and your DD. I can't imagine being 6 and locked in a house with a shouting, foul mouthed, mean spirited, violent, unpredictable adult.

You can't change him.
You can't fix him.
This is the best it is going to be and it's going to get a whole lot worse unless you leave.

To be fair the violent parts were a while ago (apart from the cat which was last week), but doesn't change the fact that they happened.
My Mum admittedly was there a lot until recently. We have cut it down to 3 evenings a week and I offered to just do 1 a week and he said no, don;t want her there at all and I don;t want your family around when I'm there at all, end of! I am so close with my family and cannot cut them out like that, which may sound daft to some :(

I bet my last pound that if you banned your mom from coming round he would find another excuse to be at the pub

He is an abusive man who is now trying to isolate you from your family. Do not let your DD see or hear this anymore. You need to get some support and leave.

Get out of there, take your daughter and go to your mums, don't tell him just leave. If not for you then do it for your daughter. As someone who also has an abusive alcoholic father having him in my life really messed me up. I struggle with relationships and self-esteem issues and mental health issues thanks to him and have to see a therapist. don't let him do that to your daughter. Don't let her think this is how she is to be treated by any future partners, don't let her see her mum be treated like this. She is your first priority not him. Do it for her.

Is your mum there a lot because he isn't? He's got the cheek to whinge about her being there but doesn't see that she wouldn't need to be if he pulled his weight and acted like a father!

She used to be, pretty much every day. She takes my daughter to and from school and she takes her to rainbows and comes swimming when he can’t make it. Now it’s only three evenings, which he agreed. Now he said none. But he’s now saying ok one hit don’t blame me if I get angry about it or go out. He said he’d go to AA but just said he never said he’d give up alcohol and I won’t even try :(

OP. Please listen to us. You need to pack up your things and your daughter and your cat and leave him. Go to your mums where you will be safe. You need to ring the police and report that he has tried to smother you and he has hit you. He's a violent abusive alcoholic. You need legal advice about an occupation order / non molestation order to exclude him from the house. By staying with him you are exposing your daughter to a violent man who has already tried to suffocate you.

He has called me and said mum can come over but once a week and if he gets angry or annoyed about it he’ll just go out. The violent parts I mentioned were about 2 years ago, does that matter? My mum said to just go to her house, I just feel so awful because my daughter won’t want it and neither will he and I’m just gonna to upset everyone!

Do you want your daughter to grow up and end up in a relationship with a lazy abusive violent drunk??? Because right now she will end up there unless some miracle occurs. Get her out before he decides to "accidentally" kill the cat in front of her, or you know actually smothers you. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

Does he care if you are upset? Please speak to people in real life. We believe you. It is truly horrific. Nobody should be living like this, especially a 6 year old child. Does she worry about upsetting him? How do you think she felt at the cat-incident? It isnt high quality time cuddling a drunk person, what do you think she is learning? Children absorb a huge amount and it will have a long-term impact. You are her Mum, you can protect her. You sound so sad, pleasw find your anger. How dare he treat you and your daughter like this. How dare he speak to you like that. Do speak to someone, find out your options and think about being free.

Pack your important belongings and your personal items and move to your parents while he is at work.

let your solicitor deal with the house. You might lose the physical building in a divorce, but you will get your money. Staying or leaving now won’t make any significant with the result of your financial settlement.

your husband is an abusive alcoholic. You know this. If you keep your daughter in this environment, you become culpable in her abuse. If may not be fair because you are a victim as well, but you are the only person on the planet on a position to protect her.

I agree with the above poster, go to your family and get a solicitor, it's good you have a job so can hopefully afford to move. Get away from that abusive man, if he threatens to kill himself ignore him.

Please find your anger and your courage. Hes a violent sadistic abusive alcoholic who will end up killing your daughter or your cat just to spite you or he will kill you. Do you want your daughter growing up witnessing this kind of horrific abuse..please leave him.

If I knew you I would be reporting this to the police and social services. You need to get your child out of there. She is being abused and thinks it's normal. Very very worrying.

He threatened that last time and went to the train station to “jump off a bridge” just said to my daughter he might as well jump off a fucking bridge which she repeated. She just told him she wants a girls only household, is and the cat

I’m not sure I understand your question. Are you asking whether you should leave a man who tried to suffocate you with a pillow while he was in a rage and also punched you in your chest? Are you saying that you change your mind about leaving because your emotionally abused DD cries when she thinks he’s going to leave? Sorry, I’m getting confused, maybe your DD cries when her dad tells her he will kill himself?

Your DD deserves better. At the very least report him to the police for the violence as that will get him out of the house immediately.

I know it's so daunting being the instigator of a separation. There will be feelings of guilt, lots of questioning yourself, scared of making a terrible mistake and it all being your fault. Then you add abusive behaviour into the mix, where you have been conditioned over the years to minimise and disbelieve your own feelings, no wonder you're so conflicted.

Your daughter has been upset when you've previously attempted to split because she doesn't know any better. You need to do the very difficult thing and act on her behalf, push forward with separating as it's in both of your best interests, you are protecting her.