Violent/Alcoholoc - Should I get him to leave

[Nats198415090]

Hi Guys,

I have a really, REALLY long story to tell :( I have been with my partner for 12 years. We were together when we were younger but split and then got back together a few years later. We own our house (we have a mortgage still) and have 1 daughter who is 6.
He has always been a drinker. Some days worse than others but I (stupidly) thought he might change once he was a Father. We both work full time and I have had 6 years of the following;
He drinks between 6-10 cans every Friday night at home. On a Saturday he goes out about 11:30 and most weeks now doesn't come home until early hours of the Sunday morning. On Sunday he goes out about 10:30 and comes home about 3:30-4pm. Every time, he is at the pub the entire time. I stay home with our daughter and take her where she needs to go e.g. swimming, birthday parties, to get clothes etc she needs.
I have had one night away in these 6 years (when my daughter was about 10 months old). I can't trust him to have her as he has shouted at her a lot in the past and made her cry. He is very harsh and because she is like him she answers back. He has come close to hitting her before and has screamed in her face and this is just what I have been there for. He said last weekend that he wishes we never had her and she is the worst decision he ever made :(
We recently got my daughter a kitten for her birthday. Last weekend he was angry because I didn't pick him up from the pub when it was raining (I had years of picking him up and waiting outside with my daughter for him, sometimes to say he's changed his mind and he's staying out when I've dragged her out in the cold). He was fuming and he said everything is shit because of the cat. She is a housecat and he said if I had to be out in the rain so should she had chased her and grabbed her to throw her out. I literally had to tackle him to the ground to get him to stop. My daughter said if you don't like it why don't you leave Daddy. The cat, and I, were terrified as he got right in my face and I said you need to leave and he smirked and said don;t you ever f tell me to leave my house again!
He has said he hates the house, hates coming home, has called me a lazy c* on multiple occasions.
He has got mad because I compared him to his Dad and he pushed me down on the bed with the pillow on my face. He said it was nothing and he hardly did anything. He has also had a bad dream in the night where I was cheating on him and woke up and punched me in the chest while I was asleep.
He breaks promises to me and our daughter constantly. He promises her he will come watch her swim, he doesn't. he promises me he will be back at a certain time, he is not. He asks me where his clothes are for work and assumes I should have washed and ironed them, although wouldn't do the same for me.
He says now that the issue is that my Mum is here a lot. I am very close to my family, he is not close to his. My Mum does the school pick up and drop off and had my daughter a lot so I could go back to work full time. I admit she was here a lt, but we changed it to just two nights a week where she has dinner then helps me bath and get my daughter in bed as he wont do that. He wont wash her clothes, he won't iron them, he wont bath her or dry her or help her get dressed.
He has in the past admitted to taking coke and stayed out all night once when I was meant to be going out the next day on my own but I took my daughter with me as he admitted taking it and drinking all night and no way am I leaving her with someone that would do that.
He has now said he doesn't want my family here at all and if they are, he will be in the pub. He has said he is an alcoholic, but I need to help him. I have said he needs to speak to the GP to see what to do next, but he wont. I think it's so he can continue but blame me for it all.
I'm so over it all now. The thing is I have asked him to leave many times and he talks me round. I feel so guilty because he makes me feel like he'll be sad and my daughter was crying and begging me not to make him go the last time so I just gave in.
I'm so tired and need to do what is right for me and my daughter. I don't want her thinking that drinking like that and arguing with a man is the way to have a relationship!
How do i do what is right and how do I stay strong doing it? I have the means to buy him out, but can't make him leave can I? I really care about him but I can;t do it to my daughter anymore as it seems to me to be very damaging to her :)
Do I leave and go to my parents until he can find somewhere else to go as I am worried I'll just get talked around again if I stay.
Or, am I being unreasonable and should stay to help him?
Thanks so much for reading (if you're still here) :)

Imagine a school mum telling you that her child's father told the child he was going to kill himself. That IS abusive. If feels normal because you have been dealing with it for years, but it is very damaging.
Document everything, note the date and time.
Take some time to speak to the experts. They will empower you to protect both of you.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

I kind of wish someone would report it for me as I don’t know I have the strength to do it and that would just be the biggest relief of someone reported it to the police on my behalf 🥺

Pick up the phone now and ring 111. You need to report this abuse to the police and get him away from yourself and your daughter. Its going to be too late if he kills you or your daughter....Enough is enough

Posting here is an important first step. You have told us, now you can tell somone else too.
Also, please delete your browser history. Be safe online.

The school can report on your child's behalf. Is there anyone there you could speak to?

It's hard op. But even with everyone telling you to go, you are still deflecting and defending him. It's not your fault, you have been beaten down to believe it's not that bad and you just should put up with it. But it is bad. If your dd came to you in years to come and told you her partner had banned you from coming to her home, was violent and abusive, had smothered her with a pillow and called her horrible names what would you tell her?

If you can't do it for yourself then do it for her, she has already seen and heard too much. You need to stop any more emotional damage coming to her. Protect her and yourself. You've had some very good practical advice of where to go and what to do. But you have to be strong enough to take it and to make those first steps.

It will be tough to begin with but in 6 months time you and your dd will have a calm, happy home.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

Everyone has given such great advice. He wanted to talk last night and went on for nearly 3 hours saying I hadn’t tried and begging me to keep trying. He wouldn’t let me sleep until I agreed to give it one more go. I feel so broken and such a coward and he is working away tonight so tempted to pack up and go to mums and deal with the fallout later.
he has threatened to take the house (not sure how he will buy me out) and go to court for my daughter so I’m scared of loosing everything :(

Do it. This is the best time to go while he is away. Rather him take the house than your lives! He won't get your daughter especially if you make a report with the police about the abuse. Be brave.

Well done for thinking this way! He may know you are beginning to see this is not normal and the lectures are an attempt to retain control. My ex did similar, very long and repetitive, emotionally intensive and often verbally abusive monologues. Can you speak an advice line today? They will help you leave safely and with the information you need for next steps. Do inform the police too.

Listen to your DD
As for killing himself he won't do it, men like this never do. If he did though it would be solely his own fault and responsibility.

I’m wondering if I do this, how I even begin to have the conversation with my daughter as she has seen parts of it, but she obviously still loves her dad and will not want to leave :(

I asked the National DA Helpline this question and they helped me phrase something specific to my issues. I also had support from a local IDVA who helped with ongoing questions. I am confident I am keeping my children safe and that gives me strength. Hopefully it will give you strength too.

Do it, you have the chance to leave, take it. Everyone here will support you going forwards. He won't buy you out, he may challenge to see your daughter, but only being with him 50% of the time is better than 100%. What happens as she gets older and wants to be independent, won't do what he wants. I doubt he will be a good dad then. She isn't old enough to make the choice, you have to make it for her. I would rather she grumbled and groused a bit than have to go into the foster system after her father kills her mother. Because he could have killed you when he smothered you. This isn't a game, this is your life. Take the chance, you can do this.

Inadequates like this often make that sort of threat, they don't mean it. The excuse for a man who abused by sister did, he even went to the extent of taking a few paracetamol and taking himself to hospital claiming to have taken many more. She finally got rid of him and, guess what, he's still very much alive and probably making some other woman miserable.

You need to leave. He is dangerous to you and your daughter. He put a pillow over your face. He says he wishes his daughter had never been born. I agree with the poster that said you need to report the pillow incident to the police.

Can you and your daughter go to your mum's?

Yeah I can, mum said all three of us can go, even though my daughter can have a small pullout bed and I’ll be on the floor with the cat :) the pillow incident was in August 2022 (I have a load of everything he’s ever done and it reads so badly), surely with no evidence and been so long ago there’s no point now and they wouldn’t even do anything now?

Even if they don't do anything now, say that you would like it recorded as you are in the process of leaving him and are worried about his reaction and whether he will be violent again.

You know why you need to do. By staying you are subjecting your daughter to an abusive situation. Let him report you. All SS will find is a woman protecting her child. Leave him and do it today

I know your daughter 25 years from now. The same story, same alcoholism, same hot and cold, abuse, screaming then praise and bribing. Broken promises, constant low level terror.

Shes an amazing person but the trauma of her childhood never left her. She has health issues from years of fear and repression. Relationships are difficult for her and she deserves so, so much but she has lost so much happiness and joy from her life because of what she was forced to endure. Her mum also minimised and excused and blamed herself, it wasn't her fault she was an abused woman but she didn't protect her child.

Look at your baby, what would you do if she told you this was her partner, her life. Its easy to say, so hard to do but you owe it to you and your daughter to get out.

You have one life, is this what you want?

Keep talking on here. Pack up what you need, take any important documents, bills, passports, statements, whatever you can stand to lose and go to your mums. If he threatens to kill himself, his life is his own, you cannot stop it and thats not on you. The way he's drinking, he's killing himself anyway, don't let him pull you down too.

We're with you.

Yep, this is exactly what I am terrified of. He doesn’t see that this is exactly what will happen to her. He’s just messaged me saying he’s having a long day and he feels really down. I don’t want him to feel like that but I care more about my daughter being ok than anyone else!
This is definitely not the life I want, or deserve to be honest.
I think I need to go home and get some things together. He will be away today and then again Thursday so at least if I don’t get everything together today I can get it all by Thursday and then go

Courage OP. Your focus now needs to be your safety and that of your daughter and your cat. You're absolutely right. This is not the life you want or deserve. You are clearly frightened and very upset and traumatised by his abusive behaviour. Ite good that you've recognised that you deserve a better happy life and you are putting your daughters welfare ahead of him. Your abuser doesn't matter and you shouldn't think about what he feels anymore. You are doing the right thing by packing up and leaving him.

DO NOT pack today. If you are not leaving, DO NOT pack. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when he knows you are leaving.

You only pack on the day you leave. NO POSSESSION is worth your or your DD’s life.

Get advice from womens aid

ASAP, as both yourself and your child and the kitten are not safe.

He's already attempted to suffocate you, you need to live, especially for your child. So get yourself and your child to safety, right away.

Listen to @Iloveshihtzus, i didn't realise but she's right it makes sense. Stuff can be replaced you and your daughter can't be.

After years of this abuse his voice will be in your head and it's so easy to second guess because he's robbed you of your confidence and self-assuredness. Keep coming here for sense checks and reach out to every resource available to you. Be honest with your friends and family.