Head needs a wobble!

[SadSack80]

I need a really good talking to…

I’ve been married 6 years, together 10. We always had what I thought was the perfect relationship, best friends and lovers. Back in march he suddenly went cold, found out in may he was having an affair with a girl at work young enough to be he’s daughter. The lies he told to me and our 2 children to enable he’s affair are unbelievable. Once I’d found out, he stayed around for a short time then he’s disappeared! I don’t know where he is living, and until recently he’s had little or no interest in seeing the kids. I know the affair is over, but I also know he has been out having a party, I found he had viagra in he’s bag, some of which were missing

the past month or so he’s been more interested in the children and has made more of an effort. He is now asking questions about our lives, but has told me he still loves me but not in the same way

i am financially dependent on him which doesn’t help, but I just can’t get over it or get to a place where I don’t want him! I am disgusted at him, the thought of him touching me makes me feel sick, but I’ve lost my best friend and I can’t let it go. I’ll get angry and spend the whole night texting him, which is just giving him attention and making me look like a desperate fool - but I can’t break free of the cycle! I’ve been to counselling, I’m aware it’s a trauma bond, but I’m going mad and I’m so lonely without him

has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you break free? I allowed myself to become isolated in our marriage, I don’t really have any friends anymore - he was my everything. Just reading this back, what a desperate state I’ve got myself in…🥲

I understand it can feel like this but you're not. You're a person in your own right, 100% worthy of respect and happiness. Try to get a good rest tonight and look over the responses from everyone again on here tomorrow. I'm rooting for you.

She’s amazing- I did something right x

Thank you x I’m just mess. I appreciate your kindness I hate how I’ve made him everything, what’s wrong with me

You're not pathetic - you're hurt, terribly. And who wouldn't be? Cut yourself some slack - it's only been four months since you found out about his appalling betrayal. The old saying "time is a healer" is so well known because it's so true. You need to take each day as it comes. Some days you'll be OK, other days you'll be silently screaming. Just accept the way you feel on any given day, knowing that the next day will be different and as time goes on, better.
I think the advice to get a separate cheap phone purely for contact with him re. children is an excellent idea and apart from that have no contact with him (so don't keep his details stored on your usual phone so you won't be reminded of him nor tempted to contact him). If you keep messaging him he will know he still "has" you - don't surrender your power like this. He is not your friend, let alone your best friend, after what he's done. Freeze him out - as a pp advised, be business-like and detached in your dealings with him. Of course it will be difficult at first, but you will become good at it with practise.
Also as pp's have suggested, do see a solicitor (a financial settlement should be part of the divorce) to understand your rights early.
There's some great advice on here from others so I won't repeat any more of it, but I wish you all the very best. You will get through this painful period - but it will take time and you should allow yourself that. 🤗BTW, you've clearly done a great job with your daughter - she sounds fabulous and supportive.

Run for freedom. I did it and feel so much happier. One life, one throw of the dice. Don't let him bring you down x enough is enough x

Your message hit hard I don’t have words, I’m sorry I’m proud of my girl, I’m a drunken mess. I hate life now, I want I die

Thank you ❤️ it’s so hard x

I'm so sorry OP that you're feeling this low tonight and I'm really sorry if my message hurt you more - I didn't mean it to.
OK, one more piece of advice: stop drinking alcohol - now. It will make you feel a million times worse (particularly in the mornings). You know that alcohol acts on various parts of the brain in negative ways - it's a mood depressant, buggers up your sleep and can lower your inhibitions (so will make you more likely to weaken and contact the H).
There are some great 0% alternatives out there so you can feel like you're having a drink without any of the negative consequences - and you'll sleep better, which is what you really need right now. (I can recommend Captain Morgan's 0% spiced rum and diet coke - 1 calorie for the whole drink - or Gordon's Pink 0% Gin and slimline tonic - 9 calories). When I stopped drinking regularly (I actually used to have one 150ml glass of wine with my dinner each and every night) I felt brilliant after just two days. I was amazed at how bright and clear-headed I felt in such a short space of time, and I wasn't even a "big" drinker.
Seriously OP, I know alcohol can feel like a great crutch when you're feeling low, but it will actually make you feel worse; much worse and you don't need it.
If you're still awake to read this, please get yourself a glass of water and a warm drink and take yourself off to bed. Think of your girl. You made her the brilliant young woman she is today and she clearly loves you very much. You have so much to live for, but you've momentarily forgotten that. In the morning you'll remember. Be kind to yourself and stay strong. I'm thinking of you. 🤗

@SadSack80 it doesn't matter if HE doesn't want a divorce. He has no choice in the matter. He is trying to tempt you by talking about his pension. You said you want that sorted first ? That WILL be sorted as part of the divorce process and will be legal. The longer you linger the more chance he has to juggle stuff around and you could lose out. I know someone that this happened to. He's not saying this out of your best interest - he's saying it in HIS. Nobody wants a divorce but when it happened to me I made damn sure I knew my rights and acted swiftly.

definitely do what’s best for you and your daughter.
if that’s being lied to and manipulated, then keep contacting him. But you know deep down that the best thing for you both is to stand strong and show him your worth. Fake it til you make it with happiness right now. It actually does work.
as I said upstream, I am going out for drives and walks constantly to stop me being able to message H. My daughter is the same age as yours. I’m throwing myself into her right now. I’m drinking a lot too but it’s not the only thing I’m doing. Balance your life and I promise it will work out.

as for divorce, as pp advised. Get advice now. Don’t delay. Mine started hiding money pretty early on but I found out where and my solicitor has now opened a can of worms. He’s furious beyond words. Which to me is fabulous!!

you can do this. Manifest happiness and a future without deception.

sending hugs.

Thank you x I actually feel better today, I had a letter from a debt collection company for him! Once confronted he admitted to taking out a loan that had nothing to do with this letter, so god knows what else there is… I’ve removed him from the electoral roll and taken him off our joint accounts. It was what I needed! He will destroy himself, why tf am I destroying me too. I shall fake it, but I will make it!

the drinks too easy isn’t it… but tonight I drunk, but I danced! I hope I feel the same tomorrow and I hope you’re dancing too.. I wish I could bottle the clarity I’m feeling tonight.

I’ve not contacted him, I’ve left him on read. Big steps! Xx

And your solicitor sounds amazing! Go get him! My 18 year old I can deal with, but we have a shared 8 year old, that’s where I struggle - I can’t go no contact, despite wanting it

I’m sorry, it literally wasn’t you it was me 😆 bad night but I’m fighting again tonight 👊🏻 I’ll get there. Sorry and thank you x

I’ve read the book! I’m trying not to give kibbles, he can ram he’s cake up his arse! I do want him to pick me, solely so I can say 🖕🏻 but I know caring enough to want to be chosen says more- I’m a mess 😆

You do not need to apologise to me at all. And you're NOT a mess - please stop saying this. You will get there and there's a big crowd of MNetters cheering you on! I'm glad tonight's better. Sleep well. 🤗

Thank you ❤️ you’re a nice person, I wish there was more of you x

The money saved in the bank isn't you're solely, assuming you can live off that for a few years isn't true- it's a joint asset which will be considered and if you've taken it and run it down, he may be awarded more assets elsewhere. You've said that you can't afford everything right now, have you worked out CSM, and if you're entitled to anything? If you can't afford where you are, and you've said it's rented, then you need to move, or increase your income. You won't get access to his pension, or as much, if you've taken all the assets in regards to joint,y saved money. You need to see a lawyer, work out what you can afford, and start from there

That’s terrifying to me, am I that vulnerable? What did I get myself into- I gave him everything x

Don't worry at this stage. Get strong.

The finances are a ‘pot’, all assets of the marriage added together ( including both pensions) and divided out. You won't be left with nothing.

You know, my ExDH treat me awfully. I was a mess initially too, even had to move back in with my parents. Breakdown point.

But I slowly picked myself up. I can remember thinking I'd climbed a mountain, the first day I managed to walk 5 minutes to buy a newspaper.

Small steps, nice things that you want to do, that make you feel better, more in control. My ExDH at some point in our marriage decided that we were having a mobile hairdresser cut our hair, at home, rather than me going to my rather upmarket salon. After he'd gone, YES, back to my upmarket salon…just because I could! I could choose for me!

And a decent haircut made me feel so much better.

Don't panic OP, but the pp is right - if you have joint savings, 50% of the value is his. This is why people are advising you to see a solicitor sooner rather than later - to understand your entitlement to marital assets (the starting point is usually 50/50 for longer marriages, but it's a negotiation). These assets include pensions (you would have a claim on his fund, but he would also have a claim on yours - it cuts both ways).
Also, you can use this benefit calculator to see if you are entitled to any state help: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=9a89ff7c-0dec-433d-9777-85b1b1250adb
You need to arm yourself with knowledge to take back some control, which I think will help you stay calm. 🤗

You need a lawyer. You need to file for divorce, or at least get a separation agreement in place that mandates how much child support he must give.
Also, visit chump lady.com for support. Lots of people there have gone through exactly the same thing.
The key to getting out of this loop you're in is to limit contact. You absolutely must stop texting him about your feelings or anything of a personal nature. Your only contact should be about the kids, and use the BIFF method; keep it Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Be pleasant and polite but completely impersonal.
If he tries to start and argument, you end the conversation.
Severely limited or no contact is really the only way you can break a trauma bond and begin to heal.

I'm surprised that a bank will let you remove someone's name from a joint bank account. Which bank is that ? Imagine if he did that to you? You do need to get accounts frozen though and to open up a solo bank account.

Have you checked if you can claim any benefits? Look on www.entitled.co.uk.

I’ve submitted the request, he has to agree before it’s approved. I have another account so if he doesn’t, plan b is to phone the bank to move my direct debits over to that and remove myself instead

Never heard of the BIFF method! You’re absolutely right in everything you say, I need to learn some self control, now the shock has passed, and take proper steps to protect myself. Thanks for the advice