Head needs a wobble!

[SadSack80]

I need a really good talking to…

I’ve been married 6 years, together 10. We always had what I thought was the perfect relationship, best friends and lovers. Back in march he suddenly went cold, found out in may he was having an affair with a girl at work young enough to be he’s daughter. The lies he told to me and our 2 children to enable he’s affair are unbelievable. Once I’d found out, he stayed around for a short time then he’s disappeared! I don’t know where he is living, and until recently he’s had little or no interest in seeing the kids. I know the affair is over, but I also know he has been out having a party, I found he had viagra in he’s bag, some of which were missing

the past month or so he’s been more interested in the children and has made more of an effort. He is now asking questions about our lives, but has told me he still loves me but not in the same way

i am financially dependent on him which doesn’t help, but I just can’t get over it or get to a place where I don’t want him! I am disgusted at him, the thought of him touching me makes me feel sick, but I’ve lost my best friend and I can’t let it go. I’ll get angry and spend the whole night texting him, which is just giving him attention and making me look like a desperate fool - but I can’t break free of the cycle! I’ve been to counselling, I’m aware it’s a trauma bond, but I’m going mad and I’m so lonely without him

has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you break free? I allowed myself to become isolated in our marriage, I don’t really have any friends anymore - he was my everything. Just reading this back, what a desperate state I’ve got myself in…🥲

If he left you and don't know where he is why are you still financially dependent on him?
The biggest and most significant step you need to make is to get financially dependent even if it means lowering living standards and working more if you aren't full time already.
Once you don't need him in any way then you'll find it much easier to move on

He left our home with just a ruck sack, all of he’s things are still here, he’s toothbrush, he’s glasses, all he’s clothes - everything! He sends me money each month for the kids, but each month it’s less. I work full time but my salary doesn’t cover the bills, I can’t get a second job as I’ve no family nearby to help with childcare. But you’re right, my reliance on him is a massive problem, I just can’t find a way out

Hi, I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself lied to and betrayed by someone you loved and trusted.
I found out a few months ago that my DH of 11 years (20 years together!) had been having an affair with a girl at work young enough to be my daughter!
Dego midlife crisis.

Time is the only thing that will help I’m afraid and going no contact apart from childcare messages.
It’s so hard I’ve had to let my heart and head disconnect.
I actually feel pity now for my ex. He’s lost all his friends & support.
He’s shown his true colours and my friends are all disgusted with his behaviour.

The girl he’s with has had affairs with married men before so clearly is a keeper 🙄
I’m sure once the thrill of the chase wears off and reality hits, she will get bored and move on.
He’s a boring tight arse and he will never change long term.

You need to get a job I’m afraid so you are financially independent. You need to add all your assets up and split them as well. You’re entitled to half of any equity in a property owned, half of pensions etc and he should pay CM so you need to look into that.
Also check what benefits you’re entitled to.

Time to look at clubs/a gym and hobbies to get out and meet new people as well.

Good luck OP.
You'll be ok 💕
It won’t always hurt like this xx

I am so sorry you are going through this too, what is with these men, it’s such a cliche!

you sound a lot more grounded they what I am, I can’t believe the state I’ve got myself into, I’ve been in total shock! I hadn’t thought about the pension aspect so thank you for the advice, I already work full time but I guess I’ll need to look at changing jobs, just difficult with no childcare

I know it’ll all be ok one day, I’m so annoyed with myself for being this pathetic mess!

thank you for your kind words, I hope you find your happiness again ❤️

Pack all his things in bin liners and put them in the cupboard/garage. Notify him he's got so many days to collect then bin them

You need to remove all visible reminder of him from your life and home

If you can't afford the bills can you sell or move into a small rental even if it's tiny? Just to break reliance? If his money decreases each month at some point you won't be able to cover the bills anyway so best to get the ball rolling now so that you don't end up in arrears and destroy any credit rating chance of being able to get somewhere else easily?

You’re right, I’ll pack it all up this weekend. I don’t want him back, I’m don’t know why I’ve left it all there!

we already live in a small rented house, we were saving for a deposit and had just reached our target when he started his affair. I’ve moved that money into my bank account, so I’m not panicking about money short term, that with my salary could keep us afloat for maybe 3 years, but I need to get a longer term plan

just writing this down has cleared my head a little, I’ve spent too long mopping around over him instead of focusing on me! Time to move forward

Given he isn't seeing dc do you have to stay living there. Could you move to be near family? To a cheaper area? Having family help was the most useful thing to me as a single parent.

I've an even better tip @SadSack80 - pack up his stuff in bin liners and put them out next to the bin. Send him the photo and the day/time of the bin collection. He will collect his stuff….or not!

I also got a separate cheap phone just for child contact and gave my ex that number. My mobile provider advised me on blocking my ex from my usual mobile.
Having the separate phone meant I could compartmentalise only using it when child arrangements were needed and putting it away the rest of the time. Another step towards taking control and not spending time with text arguments!

If I needed to talk to him, face to face or on the phone, I did it in a public place ( often from work) so that I treat every conversation as a business meeting, with my professional ‘head’ on!

Awful times. You will get through it. You will look back and wonder why you were ever with him. You will realise that you are so much more worthy than someone like him. ( and he will realise it too!).

Im so sorry you are going through this.

I found out my h of 26 years to be having an affair a few months ago too. I told him to leave and he went to her and is still with her. He left with just a bag too. On two occasions I’ve met him with some boxes of his things. The rest I’m going to start packing up and give him a time frame to collect or put in garage or storage. I’ve decided to replace photos of him also.

I also find myself struggling and wanting to text him. And I do. I want him to hurt like I do. But while they are having a party out in the pretend world they’re in, they won’t realise what hurt feels like. But I do believe it will all come crashing down soon.
I will be waiting and watching with the popcorn.

I try and keep myself busy. I hate being home because I still expect him to walk back in and it not to have happened. I often go for a drive in the evenings. I’m lucky I live near the coast so often take the children to the beach in the evenings.

the weekends are the hardest because I know he’s living like a teen, not a care in the world.

we will get there OP, and the best revenge is to show them we got there without them! Our success will be their failure.

Oh OP he is not your best friend he is barely a friend. Be strong . You deserve so much better than going back to this idiot.

I’ve thought about this, I want to do just this! But I have an 18 year old who has a boyfriend, friends and a life here, my family are 5 hours away, doesn’t seem fair to take her happiness away too and I’m not leaving her

I know you’re right, it just feels like I lost 2 people, my husband and my friend. His a horrible weasel now. He actually turned up for the kids tonight, he’s had Botox!!! Denying it, but the frozen face is obvious, at least it made me laugh

Love the separate phone idea wish I’d thought of that sooner! I’ve given him he’s own ringtone and message sound so my heart doesn’t race every time it goes off!

how long did it take you to realise you were so much more? Did he regret it in the end? I want to be strong enough that if he does try to come back I can resist his charms (or ideally be repelled by them) and give him the big fat no he deserves, I know I can never be with him, the trust has gone and that’s not the life I want

bin day idea would be hilarious! He’s a City tw@t so lots of designer stuff, my daughter wants to put it on vinted and go for a spa day 😆 he wore the shoes I bought him for our wedding on one of his dates, so they’ve gone - we had a lovely day out with the proceeds’

thank you for your advice, I think I just need time …

Are you entitled to any benefits?

https://entitledto.co.uk/

If you're working full time & still can't afford the bills it sounds like you might be.

I would also get some legal advice about what you will be looking at from a divorce & think about putting in a claim for Child maintenance!

Knowledge is power & all that!

If you can take some practical steps, you may feel less hopeless!

I'm very sorry this has happened to you

I’m sorry you are going through this too, they have absolutely no idea of the pain and devastation they leave behind. I think my one has come out of the party era now, I have no doubt he would have gone to he’s mistress too had she not lived with her mum being so young, she was terrified of her mum finding out, so obviously that message was sent! Thoroughly enjoyed that evening and the full out after 😆

stopping texting is so hard, but it’s pointless! He doesn’t care what I have to say or how I feel, I’m wasting my time and I know he thinks he’s wasting his too. Part of me does it to interrupt his evening when he was still partying

i also expect him to walk in still, I look
at he’s empty chair and I still can’t believe it, but you’re right! Keep busy, walk the coasts and try to stay out of the house when it feels too much. Weekends suck now, they stretch before me, but try not to focus on what the is doing, they’ve both proven they’ll do whatever suits them anyway, focus on you

that would be the best revenge, but I really want to hurt him! We will get there, sending a supportive hug 🤗

‘How long did it take to realise I was so much more’

It was incremental as I watched his behaviour. It took time and increasing distance. There were so many awful, selfish things he did. I didn't rush anything, I wanted no regrets.

He treat me like I was the one who had the affair.

He treat the OW poorly too. He lied between us. He prevented the three of us getting together to talk ( ha, you bet he did). I asked if she was the love of his life, because if I wasn't, we all deserve that. He said she wasn't.

OW’s husband was in touch with me. We compared notes and called them out on their lying, to both of us and stupidly, to each other! I could see what DH was in other peoples eyes.

OW’s husband said to me,

‘OW will fight you every step of the way, she always get what she wants’.

My response to OW husband was
‘no she won’t, she can have him! Why would I fight for him?’

DH was disgusted that I didn't stand by and defend him!

DH and OW lied to our children, changing OW name so that they could all go out together. Really messed with our LO’s when they realised. DC’s thought I was lying.

I returned from holiday with DC’s and DH was in our house. He asked to come back.
I asked ‘so tell me when you last slept with OW?’

He said ‘ don't ask me that’.
I said ‘why would I not ask, if we are considering getting back together’ .

His response ‘well it was on offer’. (YUCK, JUST YUCK)

And that was it, after two years, that very degrading, uncaring sentence.
It was an instant thought.

Why would I want to be with a man like you?

Distance made me see him as a stranger and I knew if I was meeting him as a new partner, I would have avoided him wouldn't have stooped so low. He stood for everything I hated in people. Disrespect, selfishness, manipulation, liar.

I am better than that.

Forgot to add ‘go girl’ to your daughter. Selling his designer clothes on Vinted.

You brought her up well!

Have I missed that part where it says you have filed for divorce?

That's what was thinking. You have enough in the bank to cover you for a few years. File now and grey rock him. Every time you wobble think of his botoxed face. Onwards and upwards for you don't let him stand in the way of your bright future.

OMG he's having a mid life crisis . Leave him to it. I hope you're okay

My god I thought I’d had it bad, he is deplorable- in your house! I’m so sorry you ve gone through this… and having her around your children! I hate him but he is looking quite saintly right now. I hope you’re ok, you sound strong!!

you are better than him. What is it with these weak men with no morals! It hurts, head up girl x

At the moment he doesn’t want a divorce but is saying I can half of he’s (massive) pension. I want that legally sorted then divorce. I’m trying to play a good game, but my hearts broken. I know I’m a weak and stupid idiot, I still miss him. I’ve been completely blind sided

I wish I could.. I’m a complete dick

I’ve no confidence, I know I’ll recover but I’m so deep in, I feel like nothing without him. I’m just pathetic

You’ve had a shock and you are going through a process

Have you considered cutting him dead? No or low contact - acting cold and giving short sharp answers - basically acting like a stranger towards him?

You living your best life and being happy is the only thing you can do.

Hold off from contacting him and look up the pick me dance - I think you might be in that phase at the mo