Anyone awake for a hand hold?

[anothernamechangess]

DH and I are in the midst of a rough patch. Two kids 2 and 3, and he is grieving for a close family member who died almost a year ago in tragic circumstances.

We've been arguing a lot, a huge one tonight and he's yet again threatened divorce. He threatens it a lot and has not yet done it. Every time he threatens it I go through this rollercoaster again - even know I know realistically he will calm down tomorrow and (hopefully) things will be ok.

We have had therapy, but I think we need to go back to keep working on our communication.

I'm an anxious attachment type so this is awful for me, he's gone to bed in another room and refusing to talk to me. I asked him if we would be ok and he said he didn't know any more.

Any tips on how to sleep tonight and not have a panic attack would be great 😟

Do you actually want to be with someone who thinks it’s ok to treat you like this? Or is it more the worry of not being with ‘someone’.
Because it doesn’t sound very nice being on eggshells

The serenity prayer works well for me at times like this, and I’m an atheist.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

@fashionqueen0123 that's something I'm currently trying to work out. That's a bigger question really and not one I feel I can answer right now. I just need some help with the initial panic feeling - it's just awful

Thank you @HairyFeline that's a really wise prayer

Wow - sorry OP, he sounds awful.

Grief is not an excuse to treat you so horribly. It sounds like emotionally controlling behaviour. He will know the effect that his words have on you.

Can you listen to some calming music, read a book you like, watch a film fantasise about him being abducted by aliens.

@ItsKaos the issue is, I genuinely think he is unhappy with me and that's why he threatens it. Then he calms down and hopes that I will change. And then inevitably I don't and it starts again.

His major issue with me is that he thinks I nitpick at him constantly. He says it's like living under a microscope. I genuinely try hard not to and don't feel like I do, but I think he's now super sensitive to it and misreads me sometimes.

So I'm not sure it's a way to emotionally control me, I do believe that's how he feels in that moment

I wish I could deal with it calmly, and not let it affect me. Then he might stop doing it. I just go in to absolute panic mode and start apologising and catastrophising and I wish I could just stay calm and rational

My husband sat at the computer with the divorce form. I told him to be sure it was what he wanted if he pressed submit. We'd been going through a tough time but alway said we'd never divorce so just get on with it.

22 months later from that moment I'm a divorced woman. We split last summer and have been divorced just over two months. For a reason I couldn't ignore.

You need help to get to a point where him threatening divorce is not sending you into panic. No man should have that power over his wife.

It's an awful feeling OP and I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time and that your husband is grieving. Its really hard to stay married to someone who you are struggling to communicate with and who constantly threatens divorce. It is upsetting to you and has to be awful for your kids if you are having to tread on eggshells around him. Is it time to sit down with your husband and agree that neither one of you wants to be unhappy and to have to live like this anymore. Would agreeing that the marriage is over bring a bit of relief and an end to the arguing and the awful atmosphere.

One thing that helped me was when a friend said to me 'why are you crying over someone who's not sat crying over you?'

Do you think he's sitting in there feeling panicky? No probably not, so why should you. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but the peace that comes when you're not treading on these emotional eggshells is bliss.

Hope you feel better and manage to sleep x

Thank you @BirthdayRainbow

So he didn't click submit? My DH always calms down but has such a terrible temper in the moment and it's gotten worse since he lost a close loved one.

@TeaMistress the thought just makes me sob. We were so happy once upon a time and I love him dearly. I couldn't bear us not being together as a family.

Of course your husband threatening divorce is going to affect you.

Stop apologising. The next time he pulls this emotionally abusive stunt wait until he's calm the next day and tell him that you agree with him. That perhaps divorce is the best option. His reaction then will tell you everything.

@justfirthisboard I can hear him peacefully snoring. Whereas I'll lie awake all night upset!

Is he drinking OP?

Of course not. He never wanted the marriage to end.

A bereavement is no excuse for controlling behaviour.

@ItsKaos no, neither of us ever drink.

Oh my dear....this is really hard to hear but you sound so desperately unhappy and he shouldn't be allowed to continue bullying and emotionally manipulating you. Even if you can't see this for yourself, think about the impact that this awful atmosphere is having on your small children. He sounds as though he is really struggling with grief and has turned very nasty. He has to realise that he is hurting you with his cruelty. I know divorce sounds awful but how much longer do you want to go on like this.

Huge hugs op, do you have any books that might take your mind off? Or can you turn on something on Netflix? Sounds like I’m being glib but I’ve had so many nights I just lay here and what is the point? Especially if they’re not as upset and asleep or watching something

@ItsKaos I wish I had the guts to do what you've suggested. I feel so overwhelmed by life at the moment. Two young children, my job is so incredibly stressful, lots of other stressful things happening, I feel like if I gave him an out and he took it I'd just collapse and wouldn't get back up again to be honest. I'm hanging on by a thread

Of course he is. He has no worries. He feels in control of you and your emotions.

This is going to sound harsh and I apologise in advance.

Leave him. Let him have that divorce.

He's already emotionally manipulating/abusing you. What about the children? At what age do they become fair game for his appalling behaviour.

@ItsKaos is it emotional abuse though if that's genuinely how he feels? Maybe I am just awful to live with etc etc. I keep questioning myself wondering if it really is me.

I thought we were happy. Today I felt sad at how things used to be. But I'm 100% happier than I thought I'd be without him. I'm managing 99% better than I thought I would. I've lost weight as I'm not comfort eating or as stressed. Life is 100% better without him.

You sound very strong @BirthdayRainbow . I'm glad you're happy now - it's all we all deserve